An-Ya and Her Diary

by Christian, Diane René

  I don’t know what was wrong with me but I didn’t enjoy shopping at all. Sitka and Wanna picked out clothes for me to try on. I followed along like I did when I bought the school supplies.

  Sitka pulled me into a dressing room and Wanna waited outside for us.

  Sitka gave me the clothes in my size to try on. I hung them all on a hook. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing the same room as Sitka and taking my clothes off. Sitka didn’t seem to mind, and she started throwing her clothes off and trying on the store clothes.

  Sitka tried on a purple shirt with small white stripes that wrapped around her body like Hula-Hoops.

  She looked at herself in the mirror and said—

  Do you think this makes my waist look big?

  I said—

  You are being crazy. Listen, I need to talk to about something important.

  She said—

  This isn’t about being worried that people are telling you the truth about Ellie, is it?

  Sitka pulled on a pair of black pants with blue patches on the knees. She looked at the mirror and asked herself if the pants were weird or cute.

  I said—

  No. It’s not about that. Can you stop with the clothes for a minute? I need to tell you something and you need to be quiet about it.

  Sitka looked at me and said—

  Ok. I am listening.

  I told her about Levi giving me the letter and what he wrote. I said that I needed to give him an answer, and I didn’t know what to say.

  Sitka covered her mouth and then grabbed my shoulders and yelled—

  Are you being serious with me right now? Oh my God!

  I told her to be quiet or I wasn’t going to talk about it with her anymore. I didn’t know where Wanna was and if she heard Sitka. It felt like I made a big mess and shouldn’t have said anything. But Sitka was so angry with me when I didn’t say anything before. I wasn’t sure which reaction was worse.

  Sitka whispered—

  Ok. Ok. We will finish shopping and then we will go back to your house. I will call my parents and tell them that I want to sleep over at your house tonight to talk about our new clothes and school starting. It’s perfect. We will figure this out together.

  It didn’t feel perfect to me.

  Standing in that dressing room, I felt like I wanted to go back to the orphanage in China and be with Abby. At least things made sense there.

  I feel bad writing that in your pages. I just mean life here is always so complicated.

  217

  Dear Penny,

  I have new clothes to wear to school. Sitka and I tried our new things on in my room, and we picked out what we will wear on our first day.

  We both bought a pair of jeans that have silver stars on the back pockets. On the first day, we will wear the same jeans but a different shirt.

  I forgot to tell you—Sitka wears a bra now. I first saw it when we were trying on clothes at the store. I don’t have anything growing there yet to put in a bra. She didn’t mention anything about me not wearing a bra. But she did tell me she knew some girls who bought a bra and put toilet paper inside to make the bra puffy. I would never do that. What if someone hugged me and the toilet paper popped out?

  I thought that I would be unhappy about Sitka spending the night, but I was wrong. She made me laugh and told me funny stories about some of the schools that she has been to before.

  Sitka was nervous about going to a new school again. She said she was excited that we would be going to our new school together. Sometimes I forget that Sitka moved here right after I did. She seems comfortable here, like she has been in this town forever.

  I was also happy that she took Levi’s letter seriously. I was worried that she would be too crazy about the whole thing, but she wasn’t.

  She read the letter a couple of times and then asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that I didn’t know. She asked me why I wasn’t sure. I told her—

  I am not sure why I am not sure.

  Sitka said the only choice I had was to let Levi know that I needed some more time to think about my answer.

  It seems like good advice. It was better than anything I could think of on my own.

  Do you think I am going to be the only girl at school without a bra?

  218

  Dear Penny,

  Today we went to the ice cream parlor. Wanna wanted to take Ellie and me because it closes at the end of the summer and won’t open again until the spring.

  It was the first time that Ellie has been out of the house since she came home from the hospital. I asked Wanna many times if she was sure that it was safe for Ellie. After the last time I asked, she said—

  An-Ya, please. I promise you that I wouldn’t do anything with either of my children if I thought it wasn’t safe. Ok?

  Ellie wore one of the hats that Daddy and I bought her on the computer. She chose the blue hat with the purple feather because it matched her purple dress and shoes. She also wore the charm bracelet that I bought her for her birthday.

  We drove to the parlor because it was too far for Ellie to be pushed in her bee chair. It was strange to drive somewhere that we always walked to.

  I didn’t want to go, but I knew I needed to go for Ellie. I was worried about Levi being there. I was also worried about Lex being there because he helped Levi write the letter.

  At first everything seemed ok. We took the bee chair with us and put Ellie in it when we got there. Wanna rolled her inside and Jazz was there.

  Jazz came over to Ellie and kissed her on the cheek and told her how beautiful she was and how gorgeous Ellie looked in her fancy hat.

  Then Jazz kissed me on my cheek too and told me what a great sister I was to Ellie. She smelled like vanilla ice cream.

  Jazz asked Ellie how she was feeling, and Ellie said—

  Hungry!

  Wanna and Jazz laughed and then Jazz took our order.

  Ellie wanted something big. Wanna ordered two scoops of strawberry and I chose chocolate with chocolate sprinkles.

  I watched Jazz as she smiled and put together our ice cream treats. Her hair was beautiful. On each side of her head was a small braid that dipped and rose to join a larger braid that ran down her neck. The larger braid was tied together with a skinny silver ribbon.

  When Jazz brought our ice cream on a tray, Ellie started to clap. Jazz made her an ice cream treat like I never saw before. It had vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry scoops with chocolate sauce and rainbow sprinkles. There was even a giant cherry on the top.

  When Ellie started to clap, then Wanna started to clap, then Jazz started to clap, and then I started clapping too. It was a great feeling to see Ellie excited. I knew in that moment, all of her insides were happy and she wasn’t feeling any pain.

  We started eating our ice cream and then things changed. Lex and Levi walked in.

  219

  Dear Penny,

  When I saw Levi, I felt like spitting my ice cream back into my bowl.

  Jazz hugged Lex. I think she whispered something about Ellie. Jazz and Lex stared at Ellie and smiled. At least they didn’t stare at me.

  Levi smiled at Ellie too and said hello to Wanna. He didn’t look up at me. His blue eyes were hidden under his hair.

  I pretended to keep eating, but I stopped putting ice cream on my spoon.

  Levi asked Wanna if he could speak with me for a minute. I didn’t know which one I was more scared of…Wanna saying yes to Levi or Wanna saying no.

  Wanna said to me—

  Just for a minute, ok?

  I stood up and followed Levi out of the ice cream parlor. We walked around the corner, then we stopped and stood next to each other. I began to doubt if Sitka’s advice was going to work.

  Levi started kicking a rock on the sidewalk. We watched the rock move around on the ground. He didn’t look at me, but he said—

  I hope I didn’t make you mad with the letter.

  I said—

  No. It didn’t make me mad a
t all. It was a nice letter.

  Finally he looked up at me.

  He said—

  Are you sure?

  I said—

  I’m sure. It was really nice. I just need some time to think about it. Is that ok?

  He said—

  Sure.

  Then he smiled at me. He has the best smile.

  I smiled back but I kept my lips closed. I was worried my teeth might be brown from the chocolate ice cream.

  Can you believe it? Sitka’s advice worked.

  220

  Dear Penny,

  Tomorrow we are going to the lake to watch the end-of-summer fireworks. Wanna told me every year this town has fireworks that celebrate the end of summer and the beginning of fall. Wanna said they are very pretty. I am not sure if Ellie is ready to go to a fireworks show.

  221

  It is late and I am home from the fireworks. Wanna was right…the fireworks were pretty. It was like there were double fireworks because the fireworks in the sky were reflected in the lake water.

  We drove part of the way to the lake instead of walking the path through the covered bridge. Daddy parked the car and carried Ellie to the beach. Wanna brought a big blanket for us to sit on.

  There were people everywhere sitting on the sand.

  The air was cool, and Ellie was wearing one of her new pink hats and a puffy jacket. She looked like she was going to fall asleep on Daddy’s lap. The fireworks didn’t start until it was dark, and it was past Ellie’s bedtime before they began.

  Wanna sat next to me and asked me if I was warm enough. I told her that I was fine, but really I was a little cold. I was wearing a sweater, but I should have worn a big jacket like Ellie did. I sat closer to Wanna to stay warm.

  When the fireworks started, it brought back a memory that I had forgotten about. A memory from China.

  In China we celebrated Chinese New Year. I don’t remember everything we did, but I do remember one year when all of the children in the orphanage were taken to see big fireworks.

  The nannies gave the children a big rope to hold onto. One nanny held the front of the rope and another nanny held the back. We were told to hold onto the middle of the rope, and we started walking. It felt like we walked far into the night. Even with tiny street lanterns lit along the way, it was still dark. There were many small streets that we walked on, and we kept turning down more streets and walked on some more. Every once in awhile, there would be a banging sound, and sparkling colors in the sky would light the way.

  Abby walked in front of me, but I could tell she was tired from the walking. I was about to pick her up and put her on my back when we reached a large road crowded with people.

  The nannies told us to sit down together on the big street’s sidewalk. It was loud and I could tell that Abby was scared. She wrapped her arms around my waist and dug her head into me. I put my jacket around her and held her close to me.

  When the fireworks started, Abby started to shake. I rubbed her back and tried to tell her that if she looked at the fireworks, then she might like them. But she wouldn’t look.

  She kept saying over and over—

  An-Ya, don’t leave me. An-Ya, don’t leave me here all alone. An-Ya, it is so loud. An-Ya, make it stop. An-Ya, please don’t leave me.

  I promised Abby over and over that I wouldn’t leave her. I told her that I would never leave her. I told her that we would always be together and I would never ever leave. I said whatever I could think of to help her stop shaking.

  I lied to Abby. I left her.

  When I looked at Ellie tonight, sitting in Daddy’s lap, watching the fireworks, I promised myself that I wouldn’t break a promise like that again.

  Ellie wasn’t afraid of the fireworks like Abby. She cheered and raised her hands into the sky like she wanted to catch a firework and hold onto it forever.

  That night in China, I carried Abby back to the orphanage. I carried Abby the same way that Daddy carried Ellie to get her back home tonight.

  222

  Dear Penny,

  School starts tomorrow. I think I have checked my backpack more than 20 times to make sure that I have everything that I need.

  My clothes are hanging on my door knob and are ready for me to put on in the morning.

  After dinner tonight I asked Wanna if she could help me with something. She looked surprised but said that she would help me with anything I needed.

  I asked her if she remembered Jazz’s hairstyle in the ice cream parlor the other day. Wanna thought for a moment and then said—

  Oh. Yes. Jazz looked so cute. Why do you ask?

  I told Wanna that I wanted to wear my hair like that on my first day of school. I asked Wanna if she could help me do my hair the same way.

  Wanna said that she needed to finish the dishes and put Ellie to bed, but after that she would help me do my hair.

  I am waiting for Wanna to come and get me when she is finished.

  223

  Dear Penny,

  Wanna came and took me into her bathroom. Ellie was still sleeping in Wanna and Daddy’s bedroom. She was sleeping with her arms wrapped around her stuffed Sweet Pea.

  We shut the bathroom door so we didn’t wake Ellie up.

  Wanna brushed my hair with her brush. She told me that my hair was getting so long and that my hair shined like a black moon.

  She told me that she was jealous because her yellow hair never seemed to want to shine.

  I thought about saying something about Ellie’s hair shining too, but I stopped myself before I said the words. Ellie was missing part of her hair, and I started to feel guilty about my own hair.

  Wanna must have been thinking the same thing because she said—

  Ellie’s hair will grow back just as beautiful as before.

  I said—

  Does she know? Does Ellie know that part of her hair is missing?

  Wanna said—

  I don’t think she realizes yet. She has a bandage on most of the time and when the bandage is off, she hasn’t been in front of a mirror.

  I said—

  You should tell her. She shouldn’t find out on her own.

  Wanna said—

  I agree. We will tell her soon. But let’s just worry about creating for you Jazz’s beautiful hairstyle. This is your big night before school. We should focus on you tonight.

  It took Wanna many tries before she made my hair look the way that I wanted it to look. I thought maybe it wasn’t going to be possible to do with my hair the amazing things that Jazz did with hers.

  It was hard to get the side braids the right size. If the braids were too big or too small, then it didn’t look right.

  While Wanna was braiding and unbraiding my hair, she asked me—

  Are you nervous about tomorrow?

  I thought about what I was most nervous about and I answered—

  I am nervous that my diary is running out of pages for me to write in.

  Wanna didn’t say anything. She kept lifting my hair off of my neck with her fingers. Then she said—

  I think I got it right this time.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and my hair was exactly like Jazz’s. It looked better than I thought it would.

  Then I looked at Wanna in the mirror standing behind me. She looked older somehow. There were lines in her face that I never remember seeing before.

  She asked me—

  Do you like it? Your hair?

  I said that I liked it. I told her it looked great and I was telling the truth.

  Wanna smiled, but her eyes looked concerned. Then all of the sudden, her face became brighter.

  She said—

  What if we bought your diary a friend?

  I didn’t know what Wanna was talking about and I asked her what she meant.

  She said—

  We could find your diary a new diary friend. They could hang out together and share secrets. You wouldn’t be replacing her, but giving her a friend to spend time with.


  I said—

  Maybe. I need to think about it.

  Wanna said that she understood and that nothing could replace you, the diary that I was found with.

  What do you think, Penny? Would you like a new friend to hang out with and share secrets?

  Thinking about you running out of pages makes my stomach feel like it is filled with rocks.

  224

  Dear Penny,

  It is early in the morning and I should be sleeping. School starts in 4 hours. It is dark outside.

  I woke up from a dream. I was standing with Ping-Hao outside of the orphanage. She was beautiful just like I remember.

  She spoke to me in English and told me how pretty I was and touched my hair. I was happy to see her but I was confused about why we were at the orphanage.

  Ping-Hao said that everyone was waiting for me inside, and she pointed to the orphanage door.

  I asked her who was waiting.

  She said—

  Your friends, of course.

  Then she whispered in my ear and said—

  And…some special guests.

  I asked her—

  What special guests?

  She whispered again—

  Your parents.

  In the dream I knew that she meant Them. She didn’t mean Wanna or Daddy. She meant They were here to see me.

  Ping-Hao opened the orphanage door and there was a bright light inside. I couldn’t see anything.

  Then I woke up.

  In the dream I was afraid, but I still wanted to go inside.

  I have questions that only They can answer. Maybe I live on the other side of the world now, but the questions are still inside of me.

  Everything keeps changing but my questions are the same.

  I wish summer could last a little longer. I want the morning to stop coming.

  I feel like I need more time before I go to school. I thought I was ready, but now I am not sure anymore.

  I don’t want to leave you and Ellie and Angel Bones. Every day I will come home from school, but every morning I will have to say goodbye.