How to Love a Monster

by Lyssa Dering

  I type back to Mercer: Keep him there. Prep him. Alive.

  10

  Sera

  It’s probably poetic or something that after all this bullshit, I’ve ended up back in a hospital bed. This room is nicer than the ones at the facility, though. Instead of bright white light burning my retinas, it has sunlight via a window that provides a pretty decent view of a magnolia tree, and the wallpaper’s a pleasant paisley in a soft blue.

  Not that the ambiance makes up for anything—especially not the restraints at my wrists, ankles, and waist, which are all too familiar. Luckily I was unconscious for the manhandling-me-into-bed part, but the idea that a doctor might come in here at any moment has me feeling ill. I’d almost rather have Fiend walk in. No, I would rather have Fiend walk in. He’s the devil I know, and the last time I saw him, he was begging and calling me beautiful. That means I’ve got leverage. Right?

  I try to focus on that. Fiend will come, and I’ll apologize for leaving him, even though I’m not sorry. I’ll flirt with him, offer to fuck him, whatever I have to do to win him back over.

  I try not to focus on the throbbing headache that lingers from when I tried to use my power over and over, and I try not to think about that word “prepped.” Prepped. Alive. Prepped for surgery? Prepped for interrogation? Prepped for a fuck (that I’m not sure I want anymore)? I thought they were going to prep me to be dinner, but wouldn’t they have had to open my skull? I wouldn’t have to be dead for that because awake brain surgery is a thing. They didn’t do it to me at the facility, but I know.

  Oh, Universe. Is that in my future? Or does Fiend want to kill me himself?

  I’m going to be sick. For real. Saliva pours into my mouth in preparation, but I can’t throw up while I’m trapped on my back like this or I’ll suffocate. So I take deep breaths, forcing the nausea back.

  It seems my only plan for survival is to lure Fiend back to me, make him want me, whenever he comes. Tears prick my eyes. I couldn’t do that with Wish. I don’t know if Fiend’s pain when I stormed out makes it more or less likely that he’ll do what I want. I’ve never had someone cry over me like that. But he’s had time now. He’s probably stopped caring.

  In this sick room all alone, I sob. My tears tickle my temples, and I can’t even wipe them away. I think about talking to my brain again, but I can’t make myself do it. Even if I pass out and get to disappear for a while, it’ll only make my headache worse when I wake up. And what if I don’t wake up? As much as I’ve fantasized about dying, I’d much rather be happy, free. And I don’t want to feel my muscles seizing again. Please, Fiend, just come and put me out of my misery.

  I close my eyes and try to will my body to sleep without actually telling it to.

  Fiend

  My soldiers are loitering in the City Hall lobby as if they have nothing better to do. When I walk in, they all turn and stare at me. Romy and Neisha have gone, as I don’t require my drivers to wait around for me, but they’ll be back if I call them.

  “Well?” I ask. “Where is he?”

  “Room 4,” says Julian, who runs security here. He’s looking a bit too shifty for my tastes, his mask off and his eyes darting everywhere, blond hair standing on end.

  “Do you know how he got in?” I ask.

  Julian nods. He takes out his phone and comes closer, showing me the screen. I snatch it from him and press play on the security video. After a second or two, it shows Seraphim approaching the back entrance. He has some trouble with the sensor—as he should—but then—

  I blink, rewind the video, and replay it. The system let him in! My security system, into which I place so much trust, has failed me when it never has before.

  But the security system, like everything here, started as a thought from Wish. Oh, I can’t trust anything! Wish is too strong! Either he’s managed to manipulate the system from his sick bed, or he’s had someone else do it for him. Until Seraphim’s arrival, it was only useless objects hounding me, but now…

  Wish must care for Seraphim more than I thought.

  I give Julian his phone back by way of a shove to his muscled chest. “You’re fired.”

  Julian goes red-faced. “But Boss— It wasn’t my fault. It was the system.”

  I get in his face, baring my teeth and hissing. “Post a man at the door then! You almost lost us everything, you lazy fool. If Seraphim had gotten into Wish’s room, Wish might be awake right now. He could make us all disappear in an instant. Or have you forgotten?”

  “No, I—”

  “Mercer.”

  Mercer steps forward, his demeanor calm despite my outburst. “Yes, Boss?”

  “You’ve been promoted.” I turn my attention back to Julian. “And Julian here will pass on everything you need to know before he leaves tonight. Or I’ll have him for a midnight snack!”

  Julian pales but nods, while Mercer grins smugly.

  I storm away, heading for room 4.

  I slow when I get to the hallway. It isn’t that I don’t want to see Seraphim, or…perhaps that’s exactly it. His brain and his soul are different things, after all. One makes my mouth water while the other…

  I wish it weren’t true, but I still ache despite my anger at him for coming here. I only began getting to know him; it would have been nice to go deeper. To have him remain in my bed despite knowing my nature.

  But he balked. And here we are. And I think I’ll play with my food this time. The darkest, most twisted parts of me feel Seraphim deserves it. I was in my little room, unable to move for the pain, while he was walking around Wish City, getting into trouble. It isn’t fair. He should ache as I do.

  When I pass by Wish’s room, I linger, but I don’t go in. I will deal with him after Seraphim is gone. Once Seraphim’s beautiful brain has given me sustenance, I’ll be in a better place to make decisions. Because now, a way to keep Wish from playing with my security system escapes me. I’m not sure there is a way. And where does that leave me? Clinging to existence while Wish slowly closes in?

  I shudder and make my way to room 4.

  When I get there, I freeze.

  Its door is painted now. Before, only Wish’s door had a mural, but now, room 4 boasts…letters. Letters and punctuation painted in swirly white on a black background. “,YAKO S’TI” sits on the first line, while “.DNEIF” sits on the second. Obviously, the second row is my name spelled backward, so it’s an easy puzzle to solve. “IT’S OKAY, FIEND.”

  The pieces of my heart twist and turn, cutting my chest. “It’s okay, Fiend,” says Wish. But of course he would say that! He wants me to wake him up. But I won’t do it. I won’t!

  I give the door my thumbprint. “Hello, Fiend,” says the system I can no longer trust. I hiss at the disembodied voice as I step into the room, the door falling closed behind me.

  “Fiend.”

  Oh, Universe, there he is. The sight of my precious specimen, strapped into his bed, looking at me with soft eyes like I’ve come to save him weakens me to my core.

  My breath catches. I clench my hands into fists.

  “Can’t you leave the door open?” Seraphim asks. “Please.”

  I know he doesn’t like to be trapped, but after the security breach, I can’t trust him. Even if Wish has corrupted the system, the closed door would at least delay an escape.

  “No. Sorry.” Listening to myself apologize to a meal, I wince. I am only making this harder on both of us by delaying his death. But I can’t bear to let him go just yet. He’s mine. He’s mine!

  I draw closer, glaring at the open window. I close the blinds then turn on the overhead lights, dimming them to a comfortable level. Seraphim’s eyes and the skin around them shine with tears. He follows me with his desperate gaze, and I want to crumble into the floor.

  “What made you come to City Hall?” I ask. I reach out and brush at the moisture on Seraphim’s temple with a shaky hand.

  Seraphim flinches. So he is afraid of my touch now? I should have expected it, but it sti
ll digs at me. I think I’ll touch him many more times before he goes. Perhaps we’ll make love one last time, but any resistance from him, I’m sure, will be real.

  “Wish showed me a picture,” Seraphim answers.

  “A picture?”

  “Yes. A magnet on the fridge. I guessed he wanted me to come here.”

  “Hmm.” How much does Seraphim know? Does he know about Thisbe or that Wish is here?

  “Do you know why Wish would have you come here?” I ask.

  Seraphim shakes his head. “I can only guess. You know, though, don’t you?”

  Suddenly, the eye contact between us is electric. Not sexual, but it still snaps and crackles. I grit my teeth.

  “Why would Wish want me to come here, Fiend?” Seraphim asks.

  I stare a little longer before cracking a smile. “Is interrogating me how you plan to save your life?” As if he has even the slightest chance. I trace the collar of Seraphim’s shirt, dipping my fingertip under the flannel to feel his smooth collarbone. I want him, want to taste the salt of his skin.

  Seraphim takes a breath and exhales audibly. “No, that wasn’t the plan.” His eyes go vacant, and it’s as if I’m trying to catch a cat that’s running away from me. I can’t bear to see the life in his eyes disappear before I decide it should.

  “Wish is here in this very building,” I say.

  That wakes him up. He glowers and even tugs at his bonds. “Was he in that room with the stars on it?”

  I smile. “Yes.”

  Seraphim bares his teeth. “And he’s been there this whole time, hasn’t he?” He struggles in his bonds once more. “You lied to me!”

  Excitement boils through the pain in my chest. I grip Seraphim’s jaw.

  He stills, meeting my gaze defiantly.

  “You want to go save him, do you?” I ask. “Want to wake him up so he can break your heart again?”

  Seraphim’s nostrils flare. “Fuck you.”

  I laugh maniacally. “Is that a request?”

  Seraphim growls, and I laugh some more. This power makes my skin hot.

  “Don’t think I don’t know everything.” I stroke Seraphim’s stubbled jaw. “I never showed you Wish’s room of iniquity, but there were tapes. Video tapes of him and everyone he took to bed, including you. Tapes and tapes and tapes. He’s a bit of a whore, isn’t he?” In reality, there were only about…twenty tapes, but the fire in Seraphim’s eyes is addictive. I pat his cheek. “You got around, too, didn’t you?”

  Seraphim spits on me. It lands, warm and wet, on my cheek.

  I wipe it off and glance at my glistening fingers. “Do you think saliva bothers me?” But I know what people mean when they spit on someone. Anger builds up inside me like air in a pump, and I lash out, laving Seraphim’s cheek with my tongue. He tastes of layered sweat, tears, and dust.

  He whimpers, turning away from me. “Why?”

  I grip his chin again, digging my nails in as I force his gaze back onto me. “Why, what?”

  “Why do you have Wish locked up? What’s the point?”

  My laugh this time sounds desperate even to my own ears. Perhaps the end is closer than I expected. Perhaps I won’t kill Seraphim, devise a wonderful plan for keeping Wish subdued, and go on to kill again. Perhaps Seraphim is my last specimen.

  I don’t know why my mind feeds me this, but I feel it. Things are falling apart. In this battle for Wish City, I could very well lose.

  Moisture wells in my eyes, but I don’t let it fall. Not like Seraphim, whose tears leak onto his pretty lashes. But oh, how my chest hurts again. How everything hurts. My whole body feels like a bruise.

  “He’ll kill me for what I’ve done,” I say, “make me disappear with a thought. That is why I have him locked away.”

  Seraphim sniffs. “Maybe he won’t. Maybe—”

  “Don’t try and manipulate me.” I let Seraphim go and step away from the bed, pressing my thumb and finger to my tear ducts to stop their flow. “Your precious Wish has manipulated me enough. And anyway, you don’t know everything.” There is one thing I am still holding back. But why do I guard it so? Why not turn Seraphim completely against me? He’s going to die hating me anyway.

  “What don’t I know?” Seraphim asks. Always so curious. Always with the questions. And now, it seems he’s reading my mind.

  I smile as my heart grinds itself to dust. Here is where Seraphim shuts down completely. There will be no more fire in his eyes for me. His death will be a vacant thing.

  My lip trembles. “You were the third to arrive in Wish City. Wish was the second, and Thisbe was the first.”

  For a moment, Seraphim just stares. Then his eyes widen. “Is she locked up here, too? Is Thisbe here?” Asking this question, he is more childlike than ever. Blissfully unaware, still naive. His gaze, like always, cuts me, but this time because it is so hopeful.

  I shake my head. I cannot look at him when I say, “She’s gone, my sweet. I ate her.”

  Seraphim shouts. The sound is loud and strangled with pain, and it soon breaks into sobs. I clamp my eyes shut. The bed jostles audibly as Seraphim writhes. I want him to suffer, but I also want to comfort him and kiss him and call him my precious thing. This torturous affection I have for him is making me insane!

  Seraphim goes quiet, and I open my eyes.

  I’m crying now. Pathetic.

  “Why?” Seraphim’s voice comes out choked with sobs. “Why did Wish make you like this?”

  I come close to the bed again, though I hide my hands in the pockets of my trench coat instead of petting Seraphim’s anguished face. “His parents were neurosurgeons. They were the first to notice how special he was. When he was a child, they told him that if he told anyone about the things he could do, then bad people might try to control his brain. I am the monstrous thing his little brain imagined.”

  Seraphim is watching me closely. He hasn’t disappeared on me yet, and I’ll do anything to keep his attention for just a little longer.

  “I grew up with him, though. When he discovered he liked boys, I got these.” I pull a leather lapel aside and lift my t-shirt, exposing a rectangle of my toned abs, which I never have to do anything to keep. No one in Wish City can change how they look. We are all how our god made us.

  Seraphim’s gaze trails down to that patch of skin. “Are you really going to kill me?”

  I let the t-shirt drop. I should eat Seraphim. I should want to eat him. I’m not starving, but I’m hungry enough. And yet, my urge to touch and cuddle is still stronger. I picture him cold and dead in the morgue and nearly retch.

  “No. I…” I haven’t cried this much since…ah yes, three days ago. When Seraphim left me. I should want to kill him for that! But my pain outweighs my anger. I slash at the tears on my cheeks.

  Seraphim watches me with pitying eyes.

  I sigh, my shoulders falling and my cheeks burning for how humiliating this is. “I still want to keep you. Alright? But you hate me! You’re afraid of me. You left. And you tried to come here and wake Wish up, and he—”

  “Wake him up?” Seraphim’s tone is oh-so casual, but his hands are in fists. Is he still trying to manipulate me? Is his attention only a ploy to get information? But what more would I really lose by giving him this?

  I swallow. “I put Wish in a coma. He’s sleeping, but he’s fine. I can’t kill him, or everything he made could die with him, including me.” I peer at Seraphim warily. “I’ve thought all this through, my sweet. It’s how it has to be. I can’t kill Wish, even though I want his brain the most.”

  Something unrecognizable flashes in Seraphim’s eyes. “Is his brain broken like mine?”

  I look down at the tiled floor, scuffing the toe of my boot against it. “I don’t know. I couldn’t risk finding out.”

  “Fiend.”

  I flick my gaze back up.

  “Wake him up,” says Seraphim.

  I chuckle mirthlessly. Has he lost it? “No.”

  “Wake him up! Okay?”
Seraphim licks his lips, his pupils dilating. “If Wish’s brain is broken, then he can’t kill you. Right?” He pauses and raises his brows expectantly.

  I bite my lip. “Maybe not. But he’s already made changes to things while asleep. And he’s getting stronger.”

  “Okay. But that could be a good thing.”

  I scoff and throw up my hands. “For you, maybe.”

  “Fiend!” Seraphim’s gaze is frantic but determined. “He could take away your hunger for brains! Haven’t you ever thought of that?”

  Take away my hunger? I gasp and recoil. Could Wish really? Would it even cross his mind if he could?

  But no, no. Seraphim is spinning a web of tricks! “Wish wouldn’t do that. He’s not that nice!”

  “Oh, come on. He’s nice.” Seraphim jerks against his restraints. “Can’t you take these off? I’m not going to try anything. I don’t want either one of us to get hurt. Please.”

  My brain is twirling and twirling like a cyclone, trying to fight off these new ideas. They are risky. I could die. I could disappear! But Wish’s message…on the door…

  What if he really could forgive me for all of the horrible things I’ve done?

  I bite my thumb. What to do, what to do? Who to believe?

  I glare at Seraphim. “If I let you out of these binds, and you somehow manage to escape, I will send my men after you. I was happy to let you run free until the moment it threatened my livelihood, but you have crossed a line by breaking in here, my darling.”

  Seraphim stares at me, expression firm. “I understand why you’d feel that way. But I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together now.”

  I squint. I don’t see how we’re in this together when I’d be the only one risking my life!

  Seraphim makes his eyes bigger and sweeter. “Come on, Fiend. We have to try this, or we can never be together. I missed you, baby.”

  The words send my bottom lip trembling anew. My stomach twists and turns, and I hold up a hand. “Seraphim, don’t. There isn’t much of my heart left to break, and I don’t need your lies and manipulations to push me closer to the edge.”