How to Love a Monster

by Lyssa Dering

  “Fiend.” On my Universe, is Seraphim mocking me with that tone? “It wouldn’t make any sense for me to run if we’re going to wake up Wish. Are we going to wake him up?”

  I click my tongue and huff. If only Seraphim didn’t give me hope, however little, that Wish might be able to change everything. That he could take away my hunger for brains. I can scarcely imagine what that would be like, but I know what would be missing: The repulsion of others when they learn the truth. Seraphim’s fear of me. My pain.

  Oh, my pain.

  I grind my teeth. “Wish won’t let me stay leader. He’ll want to be leader.” Would Wish take away Love, too? Would he take my soldiers? Oh, my precious soldiers!

  Seraphim closes his eyes for a second as if he’s gathering strength. Then he fixes me with a look that has a few pieces of my shattered heart gluing themselves back together.

  “Is all of that shit really more important to you than being with me?” he asks.

  It’s a ploy, say my instincts. Don’t believe him! But now I’m thinking of having Seraphim again. Feeling him give himself to me, and having that little spell afterward where he tells me he liked all the things I did.

  “No, my love.” My voice cracks over the words. “I would very much like to have those moments with you again.”

  “Then get me out of here. Let’s get this over with. Please.”

  Resigned despite the terror making me sweat, I loosen Seraphim’s bonds.

  11

  Sera

  Finally out of those fucking restraints, I get to my feet only to wobble as a wave of dizziness hits me.

  Fiend rushes to my side and slides an arm around my waist, and it’s all I can do not to shove him away. Of all the stuff I said to get him to do this, I don’t know how much I actually believe. But I do know he killed Thisbe, and that probably, if he’d really wanted to, he could have let her live. I mean, he let me live.

  “I’m fine,” I grit out. “I had a seizure earlier, but—”

  “A seizure?” Fiend grips my head.

  I wince; I shouldn’t have told him. Plus, my temples are still tender. “I tried to use my power too many times when your fucking goons wrestled me to the floor.”

  “Oh, my poor thing.” He kisses my head. “I’m so, so sorry. Maybe Wish can fix you, too.”

  “That’s kind of the point. This isn’t all about you, you know.”

  Fiend stares at me, looking wounded, and I remind myself I shouldn’t lash out until I get what I want. Afterward, once Wish is safe and in control of his own damn dimension, I’ll be able to wade through my feelings without being a jerk. If Fiend is even still here to think about like that. I’m not letting myself explore the possibility that Fiend’s right about what Wish will do to him. I might be pissed off and confused, but I don’t want him to die.

  “Can we please get a move on?” I snap, worry keeping me irritable. “I can walk on my own. I’m fine.”

  “Yes. Sorry.” Fiend pulls away and leads me out into the hallway.

  Staring at his leather-clad back, I swallow with a dry throat. I’m nervous being in this place crawling with goons even if I am under the “protection” of the man who commands them. I mean, Fiend’s treatment of me hasn’t exactly been consistent. Just a few minutes ago, he was going to kill me, though I doubt he would have gone through with it even if I hadn’t convinced him to try this instead.

  We stop outside of the door with the outer space mural. My stomach does a tumble as Fiend presses his thumb to the sensor, which immediately turns green. “Hello, Fiend,” says the robotic voice. The door unlocks.

  As Fiend pushes it open, my knees nearly give out.

  There he is: Wish. His blond hair is as shiny and gorgeous as ever, and despite being hooked up to all kinds of monitors, he looks peaceful.

  I push past Fiend on my way to Wish’s bedside. I know Wish probably can’t feel me, but I need to touch him to make sure he’s real.

  I press my face to his temple, holding his cool cheek. “Universe, you’re really here.”

  Behind me, Fiend clears his throat. He reaches around me, his leather coat squeaking, and presses a red button on the wall above the bed. “Paging Dr. Wyatt,” he says.

  “Right,” I say.

  A couple of minutes later, a woman in a lab coat enters the room. I’m sure she’s the woman I saw leaving this room earlier. She startles when she lays eyes on me.

  “Hello, Dr. Wyatt,” says Fiend.

  “Boss,” she says.

  “I’m going to need you to lift Wish out of his coma, please.”

  Her brows shoot up under her bangs, and she clutches the chart at her chest a little tighter. Her gaze flickers to me and then back to Fiend. “May I ask why the sudden change of heart?”

  Fiend fixes me with an intense look. I get butterflies, but it’s probably just nerves from what we’re about to do.

  “It’s possible I jumped to conclusions regarding Wish’s motives,” says Fiend. “I’m aware it poses a risk, but Seraphim and I need to speak with him.”

  Dr. Wyatt purses her lips but nods. “Certainly.” She goes over what we should expect. She’ll take him off the drugs immediately, but it could take anywhere from minutes to hours for him to wake up.

  Personally, I don’t care how long it takes; I’m waiting right here until it happens. I take a seat in the chair next to the bed while Fiend stands at Wish’s feet. He rests a hand on one blanket-covered foot, and I think about what Fiend said in the other room: “I want his brain the most.”

  Clearly, everything I’ve been through in Wish City has taken its toll on my sanity because the thought of Fiend yearning for someone else’s brain… It actually makes me fucking jealous.

  I put my head in my hands. At least if things go according to plan, I won’t have to worry about that anymore. Images of Wish with blood pouring out of his nose haunt me, but I refuse to let them stay. Wish still has his power. He has to, or he wouldn’t have been able to send me those messages.

  If this were Earth, I’m pretty sure Wish would need to be on a ventilator, but he’s not. I also figure Dr. Wyatt would need to bring in an anesthesiologist to help her bring him out of the coma. But she proceeds on her own, removing Wish’s IV without preamble before rolling the drip bags on their metal pole out of the room.

  Then it’s just the three of us—Wish, Fiend, and me—in a heavy silence broken only by the occasional beeping of Wish’s monitoring equipment.

  Fiend is staring at Wish without blinking, and it’s about the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen, but I can also sense his terror. If only we could use each other as a distraction right now. If I thought I could handle his touch in my current state, and if I didn’t want to risk Wish waking up to us fucking, I’d make it happen. I’d have us disappear.

  Instead, I grip Wish’s hand, which is soft, cool, and a little swollen, and I lean down to whisper in his ear: “Please don’t kill Fiend.”

  “What are you saying to him?” Fiend barks.

  I roll my eyes then shoot Fiend an innocent look. “Don’t worry about it. Just—”

  Wish’s hand leaves my grasp.

  I inhale, my heartbeat ratcheting up. Fuck, that was quick. “Wish—”

  Wish’s eyes snap open. With no apparent grogginess, he sits up and immediately begins yanking off all his wires.

  I glance at Fiend, who is still staring unblinkingly, his eyes wider.

  Wish pulls the pulse oximeter off his finger and chucks it to the floor.

  I lick my lips, gripping the arms of my chair too hard. “Wish, shit, shouldn’t you—”

  “Sera.” Fuck, but Wish’s voice doesn’t even crack! And his gaze is fiercer than I’ve ever seen it. He throws the blankets back and swings his legs around. “Do me a favor and stay exactly where you are for this. Okay?”

  I glance at Fiend again, and this time he’s looking at me, eyes twisted with anguish. He probably wants me to plead on his behalf and make sure Wish saves him. But this
is Wish we’re talking about. I trusted him with my life long before I met Fiend.

  He won’t kill Fiend. He won’t. And even if that’s his intention, it’s not like I can stop him. Not if his power is intact.

  I nod.

  Wish slides off the bed. Smoothly, he stalks toward Fiend, each tap of his bare feet on the tile like metronome clicks as Fiend shrinks toward the wall.

  I want to cover my eyes, but I can’t. Now I’m the one not blinking. Wish reaches Fiend and grips him under the chin, holding him against the wall by the throat.

  I stand, balling my hands into fists. “Wish—!”

  “I’m doing what you want, Sera. Let me concentrate!”

  It takes everything in me not to lurch forward and tackle Wish. But he’s doing what I want. He’s going to make Fiend not want to hurt me.

  Eternal seconds pass. Then Wish lets go, and Fiend crumples to the floor.

  Wish stares down at Fiend with his upper lip curled in obvious contempt. “You deserve so much more for what you’ve put me through.” Then his expression shifts into an easy smile, and he looks at me. “There. Finished. He’s all yours.”

  I rush to Fiend, and I crouch and grab his head. He looks groggy, but his eyes are open at least.

  “Precious…” Fiend gropes weakly at my flannel shirt. “The hunger. It’s gone, it’s gone…” He smiles like a drugged person. “Gone.”

  “Happy?” Wish asks.

  I look over my shoulder to where Wish is now sitting on the hospital bed.

  I try to form adequate words to convey the gratitude swelling in my chest, but it’s as if my tongue has become too big for my mouth. “Th-Thank you.”

  Wish’s lips twitch. “You’re welcome.” A glass object materializes in his hands—a snow globe? “I’m only letting him live because of you. Fucker kept me asleep too long to save Thisbe. It didn’t matter what I tried, I couldn’t wake myself up. It’s like my subconscious was working against me or something.” He sighs almost like he’s bored, turning over the snow globe. “Thisbe’s already been reborn.”

  Fiend tugs at my shirt.

  I look back at him.

  “Do you hate me?” Fiend asks. “Will you come home with me?”

  “Uh, that was definitely my house you were staying in,” says Wish. “You guys gotta find someplace else.”

  “That’s fine,” I say quickly. To Fiend, I whisper, “We’ll have to talk things through. But yeah, I think so.”

  Looking at Fiend pout and nod, I don’t hate him. But my stomach is swimming with all kinds of feelings I can’t process yet.

  “Come see Thisbe,” says Wish.

  Furrowing my brow, I get to my feet, leaving Fiend sitting against the wall.

  Wish hands me the snow globe. But no, that’s not what it is. It’s a crystal ball. Something is moving inside of it, and I bring it closer to my face, peering into the glass.

  It’s…a baby. A baby with blond hair laughing and sucking on its little finger.

  Dumbstruck, I ask, “Is this…her?”

  “Her soul, yeah,” Wish answers.

  “Wow.” I sit down next to Wish. As the baby continues to giggle, my brain offers up something I almost forgot about. “Wait, what about me?” I ask Wish. “Can you fix my head?”

  Wish snatches the crystal ball back and smiles at me. “Already fixed, babe.”

  It takes me a moment to digest his words. My chest cracks, or at least, the layer of reinforcement I’ve built around it does. “You fixed me? I’m not broken anymore?”

  “You’re not broken. No one’s going to be broken here.” Wish stares into the crystal ball and wrinkles his nose and squints his eyes like the baby inside can see him. “Everybody’s going to be exactly how they are meant to be unless I made a mistake. Like with Fiend.” Wish gives me a sheepish look. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all this. I know I promised you something different. But as powerful as my brain supposedly is, I can’t control it all consciously. And Fiend just… He slipped out. I thought I’d made him disappear years ago, but I didn’t, apparently.” Wish laughs. “It’s too bad I don’t have your power, right? Controlling my own brain.”

  My stomach flutters. “Y-Yeah. Sure.” I look down at my hands, which are shaking uncontrollably. But if I have my power back, I can control the shaking. I tell my brain: No more shakes.

  Immediately, my hands go still. And I don’t get a headache or a nosebleed.

  Tentative relief courses through me. I put a hand on my forearm. Make goosebumps, I tell my brain. And the skin prickles beneath my palm.

  I laugh, tears welling in my eyes. “You really did it. I have my power back.”

  “Yeah.” Wish’s eyes crinkle when he looks at me, but they’re also glistening. Is he crying, too? “I could make you that red velvet cupcake now, but I bet you’d prefer a gift from Fiend. Am I right?”

  The words are like boots on my chest. What is he saying? Is he— “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Because if Wish is confessing feelings for me, I can’t take it. Not now. Not after how he hurt me, and not after Fiend.

  Wish is smiling, but it’s more like a grimace. “I didn’t think I liked you like that; I really didn’t. But seeing you and Fiend together…” He shakes his head. “Giving your body away? That’s nothing new. But your heart… That was always mine.” He grits his teeth. “I saw everything.”

  My skin crawls as once again I learn my privacy has been violated. Universe, how connected are Wish and Fiend? “Will you still be able to watch now that you’re awake?”

  “Yeah. I can see everything in Wish City, but I won’t watch you if you don’t want me to.”

  “I don’t fucking want you to.”

  With the crystal ball sitting in his crossed legs, Wish raises both hands in a gesture of surrender. “Fine, I won’t. I’ll have more important shit to do now anyway. I won’t have to be stalking Fiend looking for a way to get at him.” Wish gives me a charming smile. “Good job, by the way, following my hints. I know I can always count on you.” He squeezes my shoulder.

  I shrug him off.

  “Wow,” says Wish, brows raised. “You really don’t love me anymore.”

  “Guess not,” I say. But I know he’s right. I don’t love him anymore. I care about him as a friend, but that longing I used to feel, eating at me like a parasite, is gone. I look over at Fiend, who’s sitting curled up in a ball, hiding his face, and my chest constricts. He must be a tangle of emotions just like I am. I need to get him alone…

  I take a deep, cleansing breath and turn my attention back to Wish. “I really am grateful for everything you’ve done for me and other specials. Seriously. But whatever we almost had romantically is gone.” I smirk. “Why would you want me anyway if you can just make yourself the perfect boyfriend?”

  Wish laughs, the sound full and genuine. “I guess you’re right.”

  While I’ve got Wish’s attention, I figure I should ask the question most important to Fiend, since it seems Fiend isn’t going to ask anything on his own. “Are you going to take Fiend out of power?”

  Fiend looks up.

  Wish stands, tossing the crystal ball on the bed. “You bet I am. You know how much I like being King.” Wish flashes me a sinister grin. “That okay with you, Fiend?” he says loudly.

  Fiend doesn’t answer.

  I frown.

  Wish shrugs. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay, Sera?”

  “Sure,” I say.

  Wish turns to leave, his bare ass visible between the flaps of his hospital gown. Thank the Universe his naked body doesn’t do anything for me anymore.

  Once he’s gone, I’m relieved, but exhaustion hits me like a truck. I could use my power to give myself energy, but rest sounds so good…

  Fiend gets to his feet and hovers a foot from the bed, his arms wrapped around himself and a nervous smile on his lips. “I thought he’d never leave.”

  Awkwardness hangs between us like a fog made of all the panted b
reaths we took in Fiend’s bedroom. Thinking about how Wish said we can’t return there, a tiny sinkhole opens up in my stomach. I should have asked him for money or guidance as to where I could go, what to do…

  “You said we could talk things through?” Fiend asks.

  I scratch at the back of my neck. “Yeah. But I just… I really want a shower first. And some sleep. But I don’t even know where—”

  “Hush, my sweet.” Fiend comes close and takes both my hands in his. “Do not worry. I know of a place.”

  Fiend

  Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. My phone won’t stop! I’m standing with Seraphim by the fountain in City Hall’s courtyard as the sun sets, trying to check my funds. Perhaps Wish has taken my money as well as my position! But morbid curiosity forces me to read the messages first.

  URGENT: Change in leadership

  Effectively immediately I, Wish, creator of Wish City, am taking up my rightful place as supreme leader and King of the dimension. For now, everything else will remain as is but look for future messages detailing changes.

  OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TERMINATION + An Opportunity

  Fiend, as you know, you’ve been removed as acting leader of Wish City and Love production. Your severance package is whatever is in your bank account currently and the following guarantee: I’ll give you a job. It can be anything (except the one you had before, obviously). Baker, jeweler, artist, whatever. I’ll give you your own business if you want. Let me know. No rush.

  The last message is from Neisha.

  URGENT: What the hell, Boss?

  Wish is awake????? Please message me back or call me. And let me know if you need a ride.

  I take a seat next to Seraphim on the stone bench by the fountain, my mind buzzing as loudly as my phone was. The last few hours have been truly intense. Even the lack of hunger I am so grateful for will take some getting used to. It is a fullness inside me that wasn’t there before, like a new organ taken from Wish’s body that is now a part of mine.

  Perhaps I should have fawned over Wish earlier, or at least let him know how thankful I am not to be soul dust. But I couldn’t do it. Wish might be my savior, but he was my tormentor long before that. I’d rather never see or talk to him again, even though I know this will be impossible.