Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  “I said…” he started.

  “My brother said nothing that pertains to the business at hand,” Ethan cut him off and shot the unrepentant Gareth a glare that would have made a lesser man cower. However, Gareth was not a lesser man. He had the same physical strength and power as his brother—but equal in the common sense department? Definitely not.

  “Okay,” I said putting my hands up in the air making it clear it was my turn to speak before a bloodbath ensued. “Gareth, Venus will put you out of your misery long before we find Vlad if you don’t shut your cakehole. Venus, you’re a big girl and you need to ignore the oversexed imbecile on the couch unless he has something constructive to add that doesn’t include one of your body parts in the sentence.”

  I paused to make sure my posse was following.

  “Ethan, I think Venus is right. It chaps my ass to admit it, but we need Satan. We need to stop the stream of Demons coming in and we need to get the tight ass Vamps off of our case for a day or two.”

  “I don’t want to owe the bastard anything,” Ethan stated firmly.

  “Neither do I. I suppose if I have to, I’ll let him enhance a few more of my Christmas decorations next December,” I said morosely. “That should make him happy.

  My Uncle had destroyed most of my ornaments due to his ornery nature and jealousy over the fact the world celebrated my Cousin Jesus’s birthday and not his.

  “Oh, and Venus once we’re done figuring out how to save the world, I need you to try on your bridesmaid gown,” I added.

  Venus gave me a nod and Gareth the middle finger, which seemed to thrill him to no end. I was going to have to keep them separated if I wanted both of them to be alive for the wedding.

  “Fine,” Ethan said tightly. “Have Satan come back this evening. We’ll come to a consensus.”

  “You mean you’ll compromise,” Gareth corrected him.

  “Why compromise?” I asked not comprehending the difference.

  “In a consensus there are two winners,” Gareth said with a shrug. “In a compromise, one person wins and the other loses. You are about to compromise.”

  Gareth’s British accent mixed with a touch of Russian made everything he said sound correct, but in this case my brother-in-law was wrong.

  “Nope. Satan might get to host the wedding, but we stem the flow of Demons and shut the angry Vampyres up. I say it looks a tie weighted heavier on our side,” I countered.

  “Looks can be deceiving,” Gareth warned as he stood and gave us a cocky salute. “Trust me on that.”

  “I wouldn’t trust you as far I as could throw you,” Venus muttered quietly.

  Gareth crossed the room with inhuman speed and stood toe-to-toe with Venus. He might be aging, but there was no denying how insanely powerful the Vampyre was.

  “Then you’d be a fool, my beautiful Venus. I didn’t take you for a fool,” he said so softly I had to lean in to hear.

  I wasn’t sure if she was going to take his head off or if he was going to remove hers. I’d give them both a fifty-fifty chance.

  “Enough. I do not need my brother and one of my top generals killing each other. Cease the nonsense or I shall do it for you. You two will get along. Am I clear?” Ethan stated in a tone that should have ended the stand off.

  “I can get along with people I don’t like,” Venus promised with a bow of respect to Ethan.

  “Thin line between love and hate, pretty girl,” Gareth commented mildly.

  “I don’t hate you. You mean nothing to me. You’re a sexist pig—nothing more, nothing less,” she shot back with a shrug and a smirk.

  Gareth’s grin spread slowly across his face and he looked ungodly beautiful.

  “I think she likes me,” he said as he crossed the room and walked out the door.

  Venus’s grunt of fury simply made the exiting Vampyre laugh. We were in for a long haul. Ethan ran his hands through his hair and bit back his own laugh. It took everything I had not to tease Venus. She was about to blow and we still had to remove the jungle from Ethan’s office. I didn’t want to have to remodel our suite as well.

  I had a sneaking suspicion Venus wasn’t quite as indifferent to Gareth as she said, but he was going to lose his head if he didn’t back off a bit. A furious Venus was a very dangerous Venus. But Gareth was a big boy. He could fight his battles all by himself.

  We had our own battles to worry about at the moment.

  Chapter 4

  “Dude, did you know that Steve Perry is a Unicorn?”

  “Shut the Hell up. I didn’t think they were alive anymore.” Venus turned around so I could zip her into her gown.

  I squealed with excitement when she turned to face me. Venus looked equally as gorgeous as Gemma. Now I just had to see the dress on my cousin Dixie, Paris Hilton, Raquel and Pam. I had the best damn taste in the world and Satan could kiss my ass if he tried to make the dress code all black.

  “Yep, Steve Perry’s a motherhumpin’ horn sprouting Unicorn. I can’t believe they’re real at all,” I muttered as I continued to admire how beautiful my friend looked.

  “Um, Astrid… we’re dead and I’m trying on a bridesmaid gown for a wedding that’s going to take place in Hell. Why are Unicorns so unbelievable?”

  “And the point goes to Venus.” I giggled and punched her arm. “I still think Unicorns are weird.”

  “I heard they died out a long time ago—killed for their horns. Supposedly the horn could make a human immortal.”

  “How in Uncle God’s name can a horn make someone immortal?” I asked. I fluffed the tulle skirt and made sure the length was correct with the fabu blush colored Jimmy Choo stilettos I’d bought for my girls.

  “It was thousands of years ago when humans still believed in magic. They would kill the Unicorn as a sacrifice, tear off the horn, and then grind it to powder and eat it.”

  “Um, gross. Did it work?” I swallowed back a gag and turned her to adjust the neckline.

  “No clue.” She slapped my hand away with a smirk and pulled the material lower to display her enormously attractive cleavage. “Better?”

  “Much,” I agreed with an eye roll and a laugh. “I’d dare say Gareth will approve.”

  “Gareth can kiss my ass,” she hissed.

  “I’m sure he’d be happy to,” I shot back with a grin. “What’s going on there?”

  “Nothing is going on there,” she snapped. “He’s a disgusting jerk who can’t keep his pecker in his pants. I’m truly sorry that he’s dying, but he rubs me wrong. Most of the time I want to decapitate him.”

  “That probably wouldn’t go over too well,” I said, helping her out of the dress.

  Her giggle made me laugh. Venus was serious so much of the time. Her life had not been easy. She’d spent her human years as a slave on a plantation. Her family was killed by the slave owner. After she was turned, she went back and took her own vengeance. Venus was a vicious fighter, but compassionate and loyal as well. Her story broke my heart, but the simple fact that she could still find joy in life humbled me.

  “I promise not to kill the idiot Prince of the Asian Dominion. However, if he makes another comment about my ass, he won’t be able to sit on his for a very long while.”

  “Sounds pretty fucking fair to me,” I told her.

  “So have you decided on a date for the wedding?” Venus asked as she slid a few daggers into her boot and strapped on her sword.

  “The sooner the better. Everything is kind of ready. We just need to set it all in motion with Satan,” I said, trying really hard to be positive about the fact I was getting married in Hell. “Everyone thinks it’s a joke anyway. If we can stop the flood of Demons coming in by partying down-under then I suppose it’s a win-win.”

  I shoved the dress back in my enormous closet and slammed the door so hard it came right off the hinges.

  “Fuck,” I mumbled as I held the door in my hands and attempted to suck back my tears.

  “Oh Astrid.” Venus took the doo
r from my shaking hands, propped it against the wall and wrapped her arms around me. “I don’t think your wedding is a joke at all,” she whispered. “I think it’s beautiful and I’m proud and honored to stand up for you. You, Ethan and baby Samuel mean the world to me.”

  And the floodgates opened.

  “Damn it,” I blubbered, swiping at my bloody tears. “I can’t get used to crying fucking blood. I’ve ruined about fifteen really expensive shirts.” Glancing down at my white cashmere Prada sweater, I sobbed even louder. “Oh my Hell, I’m wearing blood polka dots. This so sucks butt.”

  “Shhhh,” Venus said, trying not to laugh. “It’s okay. Seltzer water gets blood out. Trust me, I know. Everything will be okay. I promise.”

  “All I want to do is marry Ethan. I know it’s dumb, but it means something to me. I want Samuel to be there and see how much his mommy and daddy love each other. I want my friends and family to come. I want to eat wedding cake and smoosh it in Ethan’s face, but I can’t eat because I’m dead,” I wailed as I dropped to the floor and curled into a ball.

  “Gemma can eat the entire cake and then you can drink her blood and taste it,” Venus consoled me. She squatted down next to me on the floor and rubbed my back. “I know it’s not the same as eating it, but you can still taste it.”

  “But if Mother Nature makes it, it’s going to taste like ass,” I whimpered.

  “Mmmkay, can’t help you there,” Venus replied with an audible gag. “Wait! How about I order you a black raspberry chip ice cream cake and we hide it in Hell’s kitchen. Gemma can eat it on the sly and then pretend to eat the real wedding cake. I’ll put a spit bucket under the table and Gemma can drop something and spew out the nasty cake your grandma makes.”

  “You would do that for me?” I asked, my voice still clogged with tears.

  “I’d kill shit for you. Of course I’ll buy you a wedding cake that tastes good,” she replied with a smile as she wiped away my tears.

  “I’d kill shit for you too,” I said.

  “Dude, you’re a freakin’ killing machine. Nobody can pop a Demon like you.”

  “Thanks,” I said, starting to feel better. “I am pretty good at that. I think maybe the wedding stuff is getting to me.”

  “You have a lot going on, dude. I mean this year has been a killer.”

  “Pun intended?” I asked with a small smile.

  “Totally,” she answered with a delighted smirk. “Let’s get you changed. Sammy will be up in a bit and you’re a bloody mess.”

  “Again,” I said with a huge groan. “Pun intended?”

  “Again. Totally.”

  “Venus, I adore you.” I hugged my friend tight.

  “Back at ya. Forever and always.”

  ***

  “You can’t wear that.” Ethan’s tone was clipped as he glanced up from the paperwork on his desk.

  I was happy to see the office had been restored to its former glory. The trees and birds were gone and the rug had been replaced. We kept furniture and rugs in a stock room now in anticipation of my family’s destructive visits.

  “And why not?” I glanced down at the icy blue fitted Stella McCartney sweater dress Venus had picked out for me when I was sure I was done crying. “Is there something on it?”

  “No, there’s nothing on it,” he said with an eye roll.

  “Then why in the Hell can’t I wear it?”

  “Because it shows off your body too much,” he informed me as if that were a reasonable objection.

  “Um, are you serious? I wear stuff like this everyday and I’ve never heard you complain.”

  “I’m complaining now.” His superior tone made my fangs drop and my fingers spark.

  “You are not the boss of me. I am the boss of me and I look fantastic in this dress,” I snapped and accidentally put my fang through my bottom lip. “Dang it, look what you made me do. If I bleed on this dress because you’re being a butthole, I’m gonna kick your ass.”

  “Did you just call me a butthole?” he asked with a closed eye wince.

  “If the shoe fits,” I muttered angrily. “Samuel thought I looked pretty.”

  “You do look pretty,” he shouted. “You look beautiful. You look hotter than Hell. I’m just not in the mood for any other male Vampyre to ogle you. Killing someone today would be bad form. Besides, that damn dress is boner material.”

  “You did not just say boner material.”

  “I most certainly did,” he shot back in a tight voice.

  “You have a boner?” I asked, biting back my victorious grin with effort.

  “Yes,” he hissed. “Are you pleased?”

  “Yep. Does it hurt?” I bent forward, purposely revealing a whole bunch of cleavage.

  “Now it does,” he griped. “Not sure I’ll come off as the all powerful Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion with a monster erection.”

  “I think your package is mighty impressive. I say wear it with pride. You’ll scare the shit out of them and they’ll run screaming from the compound with jealousy.”

  “Astrid,” Ethan warned as I lifted up my dress and mooned him, revealing the lovely fact that I was going commando. “Are you trying to kill me?”

  “Since you’re already dead, that would be an impossibility,” I told him with a careless shrug as I pulled my dress back down over my naked bottom. “But I could help you out real quick if you’d like.”

  “There are four irate Vampyres on the way to my office as we speak. We have about ten minutes and all the blood from my brain is now in my dick, thanks to your lack of panties. If you’re going to do something, do it now,” he hissed.

  “Fine,” I said, trying not to laugh. He was so easy and he was about to pay the price for thinking he was in charge of me… “Close your eyes and listen to my voice.”

  “Did you hear me? I said we only had ten minutes.” He closed his eyes and sat forward in anticipation. He was clearly on board for a quickie.

  “Won’t even take thirty seconds,” I purred.

  “You’re that good?” he asked. He opened one eye and gave me a grin so sexy, I actually felt a little bad about what I was about to do.

  “You know I am, Big Boy. Close your eyes,” I instructed.

  “Can I touch you?” he ground out as he went to unzip the fly of his pants.

  “Nope and you can’t touch yourself either,” I told him. I took his hands and held them in mine.

  “Hurry up,” he choked out, squeezing my hands hard.

  “Lights are low,” I whispered slowly, pulling my man in immediately. “You’re completely naked and your body aches with need.

  “You got that right,” he said gruffly.

  “Shhhh, you hear her enter,” I continued.

  “Who enters?” Ethan asked, confused. “It’s supposed to be you.”

  “It is me,” I said as I bit down on my lip and tried not to giggle. “Just go with it. I’m telling it in third person because that’s the way they do it in my romance novels. Do you want to have a mongo hard-on when they get here or not?”

  “Not,” he said through clenched teeth.

  “Then shut up and listen.”

  “Listening,” he growled.

  “You feel her touch. It’s so very soft. Her hands move in a circular motion down your body with purpose. Slowly the hands move lower and lower…”

  “Go on,” he urged desperately when I paused.

  I put on the sexiest voice I had and let her rip. “You moan as she begins to move her hands up and down your thick shaft. You can feel the starched edge of her habit as she works the rhythm into a quicker pace. And then you realize that there are four hands pleasuring you—four bony, old, nasty hands on your man tool. You open your eyes and scream like a girl when you see Martha and Jane completely naked squatting over you with your weenie in their foul clutches. The only thing they’re wearing are their wimples. They look like deranged religious penguins and…”

  “Sweet Jesus,” Ethan shouted
and jumped up from his chair in terror. “What the hell kind of fucked up story is that?”

  “Do you have a boner anymore?” I inquired with a polite tilt of my head.

  “No,” he yelled as he looked down. “I may never have one again. I’m pretty sure my dick just shriveled up and died.”

  “Mission accomplished. You can take the meeting fully confident that your weenie will not be making an appearance,” I informed him.