Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  “You are a horrible woman and I will get you back for this,” he warned as he shook his head and grimaced. “Do not ever do that again. Please.”

  “Don’t ever tell me what I can and can’t wear again,” I shot back.

  Ethan’s head fell back on his broad shoulders and his chuckle went all through me. “You win, Astrid. It was appalling, but you win. And don’t refer to my dick as a weenie.”

  “Roger that,” I replied with a laugh. “Aren’t you going to thank me?”

  “Um, no.”

  “That’s not very nice.”

  “True, but it’s not very nice of you to have left the visual of Martha and Jane anywhere in the vicinity of my cock either.”

  “But I did solve your problem,” I said trying to lighten the mood a bit.

  “Yes,” he agreed with an arched brow. “And I think it might be a week or so before my pride and joy is able to come out and play again.”

  “Dude, I could get him back up in five seconds,” I promised and went for the hem of my dress.

  “Stop,” Ethan bellowed and turned his back on me. “Do. Not. Show. Me. Your. Ass. I can’t take another quickie that will force me into therapy, ever again. Am I clear?”

  “Very,” I said.

  “Good.” He turned around, eyeing me cautiously, just in case I’d disobeyed and whipped the dress off after all.

  His audible grunt of relief was hilarious. Even five hundred year old all powerful Vampyre Princes could be controlled with a little T and A. I thoroughly enjoyed knowing I could bring him down—or up, as it were.

  “You ready for the Vamps?” I asked as I took a seat and crossed my legs primly.

  “Are you?” he asked as he sat down behind his desk.

  “I was born ready. Oh, Satan is scheduled to arrive in two hours. I figured that would be enough time to get the Vampyres out of here.”

  “Sounds like a plan. We’re going to play nice unless they give us reason to behave otherwise,” he said as he went through a file and got his game face on.

  “I promise not to light up like the Fourth of July and blast anyone through the roof. It will be my good deed for the day.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  Of course, no good deed goes unpunished…

  Chapter 5

  “They’re here, sire,” Venus said as she shut the office door behind her and waited for further instruction.

  Ethan sat behind his desk. My cousin, Heathcliff and his mate Raquel, who happened to be Ethan’s sister, had transported back from Europe for the meeting and stood behind him and to the left. Ethan’s father, the King, had arrived with his mate, Pam—my profane and fabulous Guardian Angel. They were seated in chairs in front of Heathcliff and Raquel.

  Gareth was standing on the right hand side of the desk and I stood proudly next to my mate. Three times I’d had to pull back the magical black glitter that covered my arms. It simply wouldn’t do to have the visiting Vampyres see me all sparkly. I’d save that for the finale, if I needed it.

  We presented a frightening picture. The power gathered in the room was unheard of and sent the message that we weren’t fucking around very clearly.

  “Bring them in Venus, and then you will stay,” Ethan said. His eyes glowed green and his power literally filled the room.

  Damn that was hot.

  “As you wish, my liege.” Venus bowed respectfully to hide her grin. She wouldn’t have missed this showdown for anything. The only ones of our inner circle that were missing were The Kev and Gemma, but Ethan had thought it wise to have only Vampyres present for the initial meeting. Pam was an Angel, of course, but she was mated to the king—everyone expected her presence. Fairies would make the visiting group more wary than they already were.

  I agreed.

  “Asscrackada,” Pam said as Venus left to retrieve the guests. “What’s this shit I hear about you tying the knot in Hell?”

  Everyone gaped at me and Ethan, except for Gareth who was already privy to the horrendous news.

  “I cut a deal,” I said with a careless shrug to hide the fact that it really bothered me. “Satan’s going to close the portals, and in exchange, I’m going to trade vows with Ethan in Hell. No biggie.”

  “I call bullshit,” Pam said. “That sneaky motherfucker is always up to no good. How are the Vamps going to be able to go to Hell at all?”

  “I’m working out the details tonight. Satan will be here later,” I told her with a smile plastered on my face that I was fairly sure came nowhere close to reaching my eyes.

  “Do you want me to stay?” Pam asked. “The crafty bastard’s a little afraid of me.”

  “As he well should be,” the King said affectionately to his mate. “You are as frightening as they come.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart,” Pam said to the King as she lovingly stroked his face and planted a big wet one on him.

  I almost laughed at the juxtaposition of their words to their actions, but I held it back. They were a very magically powerful pair and had gone through Hell to be together—their adoration moved me. Actually, all of us had had travelled to Hell and back to be together—Heathcliff and Raquel, and me and Ethan, and we were all stronger for it. A meeting with some pissy Vamps would be a piece of cake.

  “I can handle Satan,” I assured Pam.

  “You can handle anything, Assbag.” She nodded and winked.

  I idly wondered if she would ever get tired of turning my name into something paired with the word ass. Secretly I hoped not, but I gave her an enormous eye roll to make her happy.

  “Any word on Vlad’s whereabouts?” Gareth asked Heathcliff and Raquel for an update on the search.

  “We have a few leads and the Angels are cooperating. We’ll get him, I promise,” Heathcliff said.

  Gareth nodded curtly and leaned on the edge of the desk. None of us knew how much time he had left. The whole situation was sickening and made me furious.

  “How are Lelia, Alexander and Nathan holding up?” Raquel asked Pam and her father.

  The three other Royal siblings who had also been cursed were being cared for in the King’s South American Palace. The fact that four were in danger of dying made finding Vlad all the more urgent.

  “They’re not in as bad shape as Gareth,” the King said, watching his son with concern. “We believe they might have more time.”

  “Vlad’s a damned fucktard and when I get my hands on that little pissant he’s going to wish he’d never been born,” Pam hissed and began to light up like a firework.

  “Dial it back,” I instructed firmly. “We all want him dead, but right now our focus is on the shitshow about to go down right here. One hellacious problem at a time.”

  “Astrid is correct,” Ethan said quietly as the Vamps were on the other side of the door now. “We deal with the matter at hand and then move on. Am I clear?”

  “You are,” Pam replied tersely. “My apologies.”

  “Can I ask a quick question?” I inquired.

  “How quick?” Ethan shot back.

  “Really quick.”

  “Yes,” he replied as he checked his weapons.

  “Why is it that the people you’ve hired to run parts of North America—for lack of a better word—are so dangerous?”

  “Because we’re a race that respects violence. I trust them enough and they fear me enough to make the situation as stable as an unstable situation can be.”

  “Do we think they might be opening the portals?” Heathcliff questioned.

  “I sure as Hell hope not, for their sake,” Ethan muttered.

  I hadn’t even considered that it could be Vampyres doing this. I’d assumed it was coming from Hell. Never assume, Astrid…

  It was however, an excellent question considering the fault would lie with me because of my association with Satan. It would be a very smart way to discredit me to our race, not that I needed a whole lot of help with that. My plan to make the undead pay their fair share had made me beyond wildly unpo
pular.

  “How are we gonna do this?” I asked, wondering if I should say anything at all since I was the one truly out of favor with my kind.

  “Astrid, you take the lead,” Ethan said with an evil little grin. “Let’s unnerve our guests a bit. It will be interesting for them to see we’re both in charge. It might also throw them off enough to play their cards.”

  “The pleasure will be mine,” I replied with an enormous smile and a disrespectful curtsey.

  “Oh shit,” Pam muttered with a laugh. “I suppose today is as good as any to die.”

  “No one’s going to die—although, it would be it would be lovely to shed a little blood,” Raquel chimed, giggling.

  I loved my sister-in-law.

  “Is everyone armed?” Heathcliff asked as he popped his neck and checked his weapons.

  “Oh my Uncle God,” I griped. “I’m not going to start a war.”

  “Famous last words,” Gareth commented with chuckle and a feral grin.

  God, we were a violent bunch.

  And the fun began.

  There were four—two men and two women. They were as beautiful as I expected them to be. The women were blonde and statuesque and the men had darker coloring. They were a pretty picture on the surface, but what lay beneath was anyone’s guess. Each of them oversaw a section of the North American Territory and reported to Ethan. The sheer power the new Vampyres added to the room would have made it hard to breathe if I needed to—which, thankfully, I didn’t. In a less violent race they would be called governors or mayors—in our world they could be labeled somewhat hostile allies.

  They were not elected. The four had been appointed by Ethan centuries ago and could only be removed by death. Before my time, several had been removed at the hands of my mate, but this particular group had been stable enough for the last several hundred years.

  However, today they seemed anything but rational. An unhappy Vampyre was a dangerous Vampyre—this group was unpredictable.

  “Welcome,” Ethan said without getting up.

  The slight didn’t go unnoticed, but was politely ignored. Each came forward and bowed to Ethan and the King, and then moved back to the appointed sitting area.

  The women, Trista and Mary, each took a seat and the men, Francisco and Spike, stood. It was very clear by the tension in the room they didn’t like what they saw before them anymore than they liked each other. This was going to be delightful.

  “Shall I start?” Trista inquired staring daggers at me.

  I smiled and waved. I hadn’t had the pleasure of making her acquaintance yet—and it wasn’t a pleasure at all.

  “Please do,” I said evenly.

  “She’s running this meeting?” Spike inquired with raised brows.

  “She has a name,” I shot back with a cool smile. “It’s Astrid. And no, I’m not running anything at the moment. This is my home and you are our guests. I was simply being gracious. Is that a problem for you, Spike?”

  “Not at all, Your Highness,” Spike said with a small smirk and a bow. “Just clarifying, Astrid. Your house. Your rules.

  “Spike, may I ask you a question?” I inquired.

  “By all means.”

  “Do you watch Buffy the Vampyre Slayer?”

  His laugh was delightful and filled the tension-laden room. “As a matter of fact, Astrid, I do. It happens to be the greatest television show ever made. I’ve memorized most of the episodes.”

  I wasn’t sure, but I thought I might like Spike. The TV obsession was a little off, but let’s face it, we were all a little off.

  “Are we done with the pleasantries?” Mary asked tonelessly, as she examined her manicure. She obviously didn’t find Spike’s quirks as amusing as I did.

  “I wouldn’t call them pleasant, but yes,” Ethan said in a cold voice, making the guests slightly uncomfortable.

  The exchanged glances were a bit unnerving, but what did I expect? These Vamps were old and angry. I was new and an unwelcome game changer.

  “The Demons are wreaking havoc in our territories. This is unacceptable,” Trista went on with acid in her tone. “This lands squarely in your court. It’s interesting that it occurred so soon after your mating, Ethan. The timing leads us to believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg due to the… heritage of your mate.”

  “Trinka? May I call you Trinka?” I asked politely, taking a page from Pam’s book by mangling her name.

  “My name is Trista,” she corrected me with a sour expression.

  “That’s what I said, Trunkie,” I replied with an innocent smile. “I will freely admit my heritage is dubious, even by my standards.”

  “Which are very low,” Pam added with a sassy grin.

  “Thank you, Pam. My hanging out with you can attest to that.”

  “Amen to that, Assmunch,” she said with a thumbs up.

  Trista stiffened and Mary’s eyes narrowed to slits. Francisco simply watched without expression except for a raised brow and Spike seemed to be enjoying himself.

  “So be that as it may, my suspect heritage is actually in our favor at the moment,” I explained, walked to the front of Ethan’s desk and perched on the edge.

  The grin on Spike’s face put him on my good list. The utter confusion on the three other faces fed my need to screw with them. With a quick glance to Ethan to make sure that he was with me, I continued.

  “I find this difficult to believe,” Mary said talking to me, but eyeing Ethan like she wanted to eat him.

  “Scary, while I appreciate both your concern and your lack of manners. I can assure you that the portal issue will be taken care of shortly. However, my suspect heritage didn’t open the portals. Someone else did,” I said, watching closely for any sign of guilt in the group.

  Damn it, no one even flinched.

  “Well, I’m good with that,” Spike said, clapping his hands together. “Are we done here?”

  “Absolutely not,” Mary hissed. “We’ve not come all this way to leave after five minutes. Our people have other issues as well.”

  “Let me guess, Harry… the wedding and the division of wealth,” I said.

  “And the child,” Mary said silkily, ignoring the fact that I’d just called her by a man’s name.

  “What about the child?” Ethan demanded making the guests blanch.

  “Many don’t believe he could possibly exist, darling,” Mary recovered and went on talking to my mate as if they were the only two people in the room.

  Darling? WTF? That was so not working for me. She was messing with the wrong chick. Ethan was no one’s darling except mine. Furthermore, I was going to have a serious chat with my mate right after we got rid of our guests. If he’d popped her sometime within his five hundred and twenty-two years on this earth, he was losing panty privileges for the foreseeable future for not making me aware of the disgusting fact.

  Her posture and the way she batted her long lashes at him made me want to flick my fingers and singe the hair off of her gorgeous head, but that would be childish. I could do far better than that.

  “Well, Larry, it’s quite easy to understand. Ethan and I screwed. A lot. And it was awesome because he’s hung like a horse. In fact, right before you got here, we had a quickie—on the chair you’re sitting in, which was wildly satisfying. So like I said, we had an enormous amount of very aerobic sex, and since I’m the Chosen One, I got knocked up. The end,” I explained sarcastically.

  Mary practically jumped out of her chair and Pam’s loud cackle filled the room. I refused to glance back at Ethan because I was mad at him. I knew he’d had a life before me, but I would have liked a little heads up that he’d done the nasty with Mary-Scary-Larry-Harry.

  “Venus, would you please have Samuel brought in? I’d like to him meet our esteemed guests Spike, Francisco, Trudy and Skank,” I said in such a pleasant tone that the butchering of their names almost went unnoticed—or maybe they were still digesting the fact that some nookie had taken place recently.

/>   “Yes, my Liege,” Venus said as her eyes danced with mirth.

  “It will just be a moment folks,” I said as I made myself comfortable and avoided Ethan’s gaze, which I could feel boring into my back. I still didn’t like him. “Samuel is a delightful child, but watch what you say. He has a habit of changing the color of people’s skin.”

  The open mouthed expressions of horror from Mary and Trista were all kinds of awesome, but the best was yet to come…