Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  Wait.

  Oh shit…

  No. Fucking. Way.

  “Spike? But I like Spike.”

  “You are a poor judge of character,” she replied with a nasty little laugh.

  “What the fuck?” I shouted, as I spun around and blew up the furniture in the room. “I’m supposed to be planning my wedding with a three headed monster. I’m supposed to be getting manicures and pedicures and opening wedding presents. I haven’t even booked a photographer yet.”

  “Why would you need a photographer?” she asked, perplexed.

  “To take pictures, nimrod.”

  “No one would show up in them—we’re undead. Skip the photographer,” Mary replied logically.

  “Point,” I agreed, even though it was difficult to take someone hanging in the air like a marionette with no strings seriously.

  “Nix the photographer. I always forget about the reflection thing. My damn dress hasn’t arrived and I left the planning of my bachelorette party to four Baby Demons who think strip clubs are high entertainment. Do you see why this isn’t working for me?” I demanded as I accidentally set my pants on fire.

  “Um… you’re smoldering,” Mary said, pointing to the burning leather.

  “Goddamn it,” I shouted, dousing the flames and then calming myself with effort. “So you think Spike is impersonating me at the portal openings?”

  “I think it’s possible,” Mary said carefully.

  “But he’s not opening the portals,” I shot back, remembering Samuel’s assessment of Spike.

  “The Kev said there was Fairy essence there as well.”

  “True, the Fairies don’t like me at all,” I muttered.

  “Not many people seem to like you very much,” Mary commented.

  “Pot, kettle, black,” I said, matching her bitchy tone. “Now I’d like to ask you why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why the information?”

  “Two reasons,” she replied smoothly as she attempted to look dignified while dangling up above. She failed. “I despise Spike far more than I despise you.”

  “Reason two?” I questioned. Her reasoning was heinous which made it believable… Vampyres were a very nasty lot.

  “You spared my life and restored my beauty,” she finished.

  “Well, you’re certainly vain.”

  “Pot, kettle, black,” Mary repeated my words right back at me.

  She wasn’t exactly wrong, but she wasn’t right either.

  “I might be a materialistic Prada whore who has a slight obsession with shoes and purses and Chanel lipstick and few hundred other meaningless things, but we are nothing alike, Mary. While there may be a few unfortunate similarities, I have morals and a conscience. You lost yours a very long time ago.”

  “Possibly,” she agreed. “But looks can be deceiving.”

  “Pun intended?” I couldn’t help myself.

  “Very.”

  “Sorry to leave you hanging—not,” I said with a humorless laugh as I moved toward the door. “But I have to go play Buffy the Vampyre Slayer for a bit. I’d say it’s been a lovely visit, but it hasn’t. As soon as I’m done here, I’ll let you down and you will leave. Permanently. Capisce?”

  “Take me with you,” she begged. “If it’s Spike, I want his head. He ruined my life. I’d like to kill him for a legitimate reason.”

  “Do I look like an idiot to you?” I demanded as she raised a brow pointedly. “Do not answer that. Why in the Hell do you think I would trust you enough to let you free?”

  “Two reasons.”

  “Oh my Uncle God,” I griped. “Are we back to this game?”

  Mary went on ignoring my sarcasm. “One, I owe you my life which means I’m unfortunately in your debt until I can return the favor. I know Spike far better than you ever will. My presence will throw him off.”

  “And two?” I questioned, knowing every aspect of the first point was accurate.

  “I want Ethan’s respect. I can’t have his love, but if I can save what he does love… I’ll have the most I will ever get from him,” she said quietly unable to meet my eyes.

  I watched her struggle with the impact of her admission and I actually felt sympathetic. What the Hell was wrong with me? Sometimes this compassionate shit sucked. I might be tolerant, but I wasn’t a pushover. I was a deadly motherhumpin’ powerful freak of nature.

  “You make one wrong move and I will kill you so dead you won’t even know what hit you. Clear?” I told her.

  “Very,” she said. “I’ll have your back. I’ll do nothing to harm anyone you love, but once I save your life, all bets are off.”

  “Fair enough.”

  The knowledge that no good deed goes unpunished kept bouncing around my brain, but my gut said to go with the plan.

  My damned gut had better be right this time.

  Chapter 15

  We entered the large weapons facility to find a very confused group of Vampyres and Fairies. Venus, Gemma, The Kev, Gareth, Martha, Jane, Francisco and Trista stared at me like I had two heads. Was Mary doing something weird next to me?

  I glanced over at my hostile ally but she was just staring back at the surprised Vamps.

  “Ohhhhhh,” I said, realizing the confusion. “I restored Mary. Mother Nature went a little too far and I just thought it was the right thing to do. It’s all good. She owes me her life and all that crap, so she’s coming with us tonight.”

  The peanut gallery was still mute.

  “Seriously guys, it’s fine. Mary knows I’ll wipe her ass off the face of the earth if she even looks at anyone wrong. Right, Mary?” I asked in a politely civil tone, to show my peeps I’d made the correct move.

  “Right,” she agreed equally as politely. “Why is David Cassidy here?”

  I waited patiently for The Kev to set her straight on his disguise, but he simply stood there gaping at me with alarm written all over his Michael Bolton face.

  “What the Hell is wrong with you people?” I demanded, starting to feel very uncomfortable. “Truly, Mary is fine. It’s all under control. I mean she’s still a rude bee-otch and all… Wait. Where’s Ethan?”

  “He’s with you,” Gemma whispered in distress.

  “Um, no. He’s not with me. I was just in Mary’s suite kicking her ass around a little until we came to a belligerent compromise. Gareth, note I said compromise, not consensus. I won.”

  I expected something sarcastic from my brother-in-law’s mouth—or at the very least a comment about Venus’ ass, but nothing came.

  “Okay, you guys are going to give me gas which is impossible since I have no internal organs. What’s happening here?” I snapped.

  “You told us that you’d received information from Satan about the portals,” Venus said speaking calmly, but the slight tremor in her voice made my blood run cold. “You told us there was a new plan and it didn’t include us.”

  “What?” I shouted as fear and anger gripped me.

  “You said that Satan only needed you and Ethan to come. He had it covered and too many of us would destroy the plan,” The Kev insisted. “You were right here not even five minutes ago. I fought you on it, but you pulled the Chosen One card.”

  “I would never do that,” I said, as I began to pace the room in agitation.

  This was not good.

  “I thought it was out of character,” Gemma said, taking The Kev’s hand in hers. “But you’re under so much pressure now, I didn’t listen to my gut.”

  “It wasn’t me.” I glanced wildly around the room and just as I suspected, Spike was missing. “It’s Spike. He morphed into me and lied. He’s the one who’s been at the portals. How could Ethan think he was me?”

  “We all did,” The Kev said, shocked.

  “Spike can be very convincing when he wants to. His gift is like no other morpher’s,” Trista informed us from the back of the group, trying to hide her smirk.

  “Absolutely genius,” Francisco added with grudging ad
miration.

  “You two.” I growled as I pointed at Francisco and Trista. I released a wave of magic from my fingertips and levitated them into the air, rendering them helpless. “You two knew Spike was gone, but you did nothing to stop it.”

  They hung silently and glared.

  “Mary, start talking fast, or you’re gonna be hanging there with them.”

  “There was a loose plan to discredit you,” Mary said as she glared at the furious Trista and Francisco. “Nothing solid was decided, so I assumed it was moot.”

  “Watch what you say, Mary,” Trista snarled as she hung in the air. “We have plenty of ammunition to blacken your reputation with your beloved Ethan.”

  “Go to Hell,” Mary shouted. “You wanted her gone as much as the rest of us. At least my reason was realistic.”

  “That’s debatable,” I said as I watched the drama unfold. With a flick of my fingers, I levitated Mary as well. I added a little extra painful zap to Trista and Francisco just because I could. My kind understood pain and violence. I was happy to indulge their expectations. “Did you know what Spike was doing? Are you part of this plan?”

  “No,” Francisco said, gnashing his fangs at me. “We don’t work as a team—never have and never will. We developed our own plans. Mary was supposed to seduce Ethan. Trista was supposed to kill the child. I was to find blackmail information on you to halt the division of wealth or kill you if there was nothing to be found. And Spike? Spike always did his own thing.”

  “We had no idea what Spike was going to do. I never thought he was very smart with all the film talk nonsense, but now you’ll be blamed for everything,” Trista snarled at me as she wriggled and tried to free herself. “The brilliant Spike marches to his own drummer.”

  “His next performance will be the death march,” I snapped as I turned and let Mary down with a slash of my hand through the air.

  She fell to the floor with a thud and crawled to her feet with as much dignity as she could.

  “Let us down as well,” Francisco bellowed. “She is as guilty as we are.”

  I slowly glanced up at Francisco and Trista. My hair blew around my head and my eyes had turned a sparkling blood red. My voice lowered in pitch and it took everything I had not to fry them where they hung.

  Their gasps of fear were music to my ears and my own friends backed away from me just in case I went ballistic. With a quick glance to my mentor, The Kev, I found my inner balance and touched the tattoo on my chest that had been a gift from my Baby Demons. Power, both dark and light coursed through my veins and I floated up to the deceitful Vamps.

  “Can’t do that,” I stated calmly to the terrified Trista and Francisco. “You see, Mary owes me her life. She is beholden to me in ways that you are not.”

  “I demand to be released. Our people will not tolerate this kind of treatment from someone as worthless as you,” Trista snarled. “You’re an abomination.”

  “You may be right,” I agreed with a smile that came nowhere near to reaching my eyes. “But the prophecies make me your leader. And while I might not be your first choice—I’m not even my first choice—it is what it is. I am fair and I have morals. Something the two of you wouldn’t understand.”

  I floated nearer and got close enough that whispering would suffice.

  “I’m not going to kill you,” I murmured quietly. “Nope, I’m going to do something much worse. You see, my Uncle really enjoys new friends. Normally he has to coerce people to join him in Hell.”

  “Or kidnap them,” Venus added from the floor.

  “Exactly,” I agreed with my friend. “Rarely does he receive a gift of such highly esteemed Vampyres to play with. He’ll be so happy.”

  “You’ll do no such thing,” Francisco shouted. “Our people won’t allow this.”

  “Our people are in for some changes,” I explained in a flat tone. “And some new leaders. If you have anything else to say, I’d suggest you come clean now. It might make your time in Hell a bit less, um… excruciating.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Trista said, baring her fangs at me. “Your mate, the Prince, will be dead this evening and you’ll be blamed. The monarchy will fall apart. You will lose.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” I informed her as the room began to tremble with my fury. “Spike could never eliminate Ethan. My mate’s power far exceeds that of that Buffy the wannabe Vampyre slayer.”

  “But you could kill him.” Trista hissed, her eyes wild with insane glee. “He would never harm you.”

  “Sweet Hell on earth, she’s right,” The Kev said, alarmed. “Ethan won’t fight you. He believes Spike is you.”

  My vision blurred and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. This was not happening. Why did I think being a Vampyre-Demon was okay? Was every moment for the rest of eternity going to be like this? Was my life and the lives of everyone I loved going to be in danger because of me?

  “Unacceptable,” I roared as a violent wind blew up and scattered everyone all over the room. “Satan, come to me.”

  The wind amped up and black and gold glitter obscured everything in sight, but I knew where I was and I knew what I was doing. I just needed to move quickly.

  “Really?” Satan coughed in annoyance as he appeared half dressed. “I was just getting to the good part with Jessica.”

  “I thought it was Esmeralda,” I said as I took in the ungodly beautiful sight of my half naked Uncle.

  “That was last night. Jessica is every Wednesday,” he explained with a shrug of masculine pride. “This had better be good.”

  “It is,” I replied. “I have some Vampyres to loan you for a while. They seem quite keen to spend some time in Hell.”

  “Interesting” Satan purred. He snapped his fingers and halted the windstorm. “I’ve been a bit bored lately.”

  His evil chuckle even made me uncomfortable…

  “You can’t kill them. It will be Ethan’s honor to destroy them,” I warned. “But they came here to kill me and Samuel.”

  Satan glanced up at the dangling and now petrified Vamps and winked. “Are they daft? You can’t be killed except with The Sword of Death and neither can our boy Samuel. Stupidity is such a wonderful trait. I’m very fond of playing with stupid people.”

  “Yes, well, they’re yours until further notice.”

  “You will let us go immediately,” Francisco shrieked.

  I was certain if he was capable of pissing himself, he would have.

  “I’m sorry,” Satan said silkily as sparks of fire began to dance lovingly around his entire body. “Did you say something?”

  “I said you will let us go at once,” Francisco demanded, cowering back from Lucifer.

  “I had no idea you wanted to visit Hell so badly. Far be it from me to delay your request,” Satan replied, misunderstanding him on purpose. “Your wish is my command.”

  My gorgeous and very evil Uncle waved his pinkie at the hanging traitors and they disappeared in billowing red and golden flames. Their screams could be heard as they got sucked into the fire and transported to Hell.

  “Do not under any circumstances kill them,” I told Satan. “Punish them certainly, but stop short of death.”

  “Astrid, Astrid, Astrid,” he said with a pouty expression on his pretty face. “You really are no fun. And to think I was under the impression your Demon side was coming to the forefront.”

  “You thought wrong. Do we have a deal?” I inquired, as I let my power recede some and floated back down to the floor.

  “Yes,” he said slowly and clasped his hands together with delight. “But you will owe me for this.”

  “I know,” I shot back. “What do you want?”

  The King of Darkness pursed his lips and feigned deep thought. “Can I get back to you on that one?”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “No,” he replied with a laugh and a quick hug. “I love my job. See you at the wedding, darling niece.”

  With that he blasted away
in an enormous puff of black glitter. I prayed he’d hold true to his word, but right now I didn’t really care. I had to find Ethan.

  “Where did they go?” I demanded of my friends.

  “We don’t know,” The Kev said in frustration. “You said you knew of the next portal that would be opened. You said you were going to ambush the Fairies with the help of the Demon SWAT Team.”