Break Me Down

by Tasha Gwartney

  “I don’t look at you like that. Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” Brice asked.

  Shay sat up on her bed, still staring at Brice. Did she want to know what he saw when he looked at her? Lately the only thing anyone else saw was a problem that needed to be fixed, and the truth was that she didn’t want to be anyone’s problem anymore.

  “That depends,” she whispered.

  “On what?”

  “If you think I’m a problem that needs to be fixed,” Shay whispered.

  “Shay, look at me.” Brice placed his hand on her chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “I’m not them. I’m not your best friend, I’m not David, or your parents, or your brother. I’m Brice. I’m the guy who acted like a total dick to you the first time I met you, but soon felt the need to be your friend. I don’t see you as a problem, or something that needs to be fixed. I see you as you. You’re beautiful, amazing, kind, funny… I see you for who you are and not who I want you to be. I love hanging out with you, even when you leave me in a lake all by myself without any explanation as to why. The thing is, I have plenty of friends, but I don’t have any like you. I care about you, maybe more than I should, but Shay, don’t ever think that I’m not here for you,” Brice said.

  “Brice, you shouldn’t want to be around me. I ruin everything that I touch. I don’t want to ruin you.” Shay feared where her friendship with him was going. She couldn’t handle the thought that Brice cared about her. She couldn’t handle any of it.

  “I’m not going anywhere. You can tell me to leave, and you can tell me that I shouldn’t stick around, but I’m not going to let you push me away. I won’t let you do that. And I won’t let you destroy your own happiness.”

  Sighing, she said nothing. She just looked into his beautiful green eyes that she loved so much.

  “Why did you do it?” Brice asked, breaking the silence. “Why did you break that mirror?”

  “I don’t know. I was upset and I just- I can’t explain it. I don’t really want to talk about it either.”

  “Okay, then. What are your plans tonight?”

  “Nothing,” she said flatly. The only thing she wanted to do was stay in her room, and not have to face the rest of the world.

  “Come home with me. To dinner with me and Mom. She was just telling me that she’d love to see you again.”

  A smile lit up her face. The thought of seeing her again made her elated.

  “Okay,” she responded, hurrying to the bathroom for some water to take her pills with and to get dressed. With everything else that was going on, she was glad to have one thing to look forward to in her life.

  Chapter Ten

  “Shay, I’m so glad you could make it for dinner.” Kris’s arms wrapped around her as she and Brice came in the house from riding his bike.

  “Thanks for having me,” Shay said to the older woman. It was strange; she barely knew her, but with Kris she felt like she didn’t have to pretend as she had to with her own family.

  “My pleasure,” she smiled, which faded upon seeing her hand. “Oh my goodness, what happened to your hand?” Kris asked.

  Exchanging a glance with Brice, she began to panic. Placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, Brice spoke first. “We were outside messing around, and she tripped over her own two feet and her hand went flying into the window.”

  “Oh, you poor thing. Are you okay? Does it hurt?” Kris asked, taking her injured hand in hers.

  “It’s bearable. Scars on the outside, they’re nothing compared to scars on the inside, right?” Shay asked, hitting a nerve at how true that statement really was for her.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re okay. Is there anything special you’d like for dinner?”

  “Anything is fine, Mom,” Brice told her.

  “I think I’m just going to order a pizza. I’m way too tired to cook anything,” she said, then walked into the kitchen.

  “Thank you,” Shay whispered to Brice, grateful that he didn’t tell her mother the truth. The last thing she needed was another person to pity or feel sorry for her.

  “There’s no need for her to know what happened. That’s your business; no one else’s.” Brice laced his fingers with hers.

  Butterflies circled in her stomach; she wasn’t sure if it was due to the fact that Brice made her feel better or if it was due to the fact that when she was with him, she felt scared, not because she was afraid of him but because she cared for him. And caring for someone was something she’d tried to avoid for so long. Looking at Brice, she felt herself begin to unravel. His hair fell in his face in a way that she loved so much, his green eyes fixated on her as if he could stare at her forever. And that scared her the most.

  “You have to stop looking at me like that,” Shay told him.

  “Why?”

  “Because, you just have to,” she replied.

  “What if I don’t want to?” Brice challenged, and the truth was that he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to stare at her forever. He was falling for her without even realizing it.

  Before Shay had the chance to answer, Kris walked back into the room.

  “So I ordered pepperoni, I hope that’s okay with you Shay.”

  “I love pepperoni.”

  “Good. Oh, Brandon, Marissa came by here a bit ago,” Kris blurted out, without even acknowledging what she’d said, but instantly regretting it with Shay being in the room.

  Shay wondered who Marissa was. He’d never mentioned her in any conversation they’d had before. Maybe he didn’t want her to know.

  “I really don’t understand why she keeps on like this. I’ve told her dozens of times that I’m tired of it and uninterested.”

  “I have no idea, but if she doesn’t stay away, I will have a restraining order put against her. Tell her to back off.”

  “I have nothing to say to that bitch,” Brice said, his voice cold and angry.

  “I’m going to shower; I’ll be back down soon,” Kris said and vanished from the room.

  “Okay, Mom.”

  “Who’s Marissa?” Shay asked when his mom was gone.

  Turning to face her, Brice felt his eyes widen. How could he possibly tell Shay about Marissa if he wanted her to maintain a permanent residence in his life? He also knew that he couldn’t start something with her based on lies and secrets.

  “She’s an ex, and not one I prefer to talk about,” Brice admitted, leading her to the couch.

  “Oh.” Shay was jealous. She felt stupid for it.

  “We ended several months ago, ten to be exact, but she keeps coming back around,” Brice added quickly to assure her that there wasn’t anything happening between him and Marissa. “It didn’t end on a very good note though.”

  “What happened?”

  “I saw her for who she was. She wasn’t just sleeping with me; she was sleeping with a buddy of mine. Of course, neither of us knew about the fact that we were screwing the same girl. When I found out and broke it off, she claimed to be pregnant. I didn’t believe her so I made her get a test. It came back negative, but she still wouldn’t give up. She kept on and on until I finally had enough. I called her a few names, said some things I shouldn’t have, and she had her brother kick the living shit out of me. It was so bad that I was in the hospital for three days,” Brice told her. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t feel the need to hide. He confided in her the train wreck that was Marissa, and the truth was that he felt better after talking with her.

  “I’m sorry, Brice,” Shay said. She couldn’t imagine how that must have felt.

  “Hey, it’s okay. It was months ago. It’s in the past.”

  “Just because something is in the past doesn’t always mean it stays there,” she said.

  “It does if you let it. The thing is, we all have a past, whether it’s good or bad, but if we don’t dwell on the past, then it can’t control us.”

  “Brice, you should stay away from me. I have too much baggage for you to be around.”

&nb
sp; “Like what?”

  “I can’t talk about it,” Shay said.

  Shay and Brice sat on the couch in front of his flat screen T.V. in the garage. After dinner, his mother got a call from a client, and decided to head to the office. Brice put on some show about cars. Shay couldn’t help but feel relaxed. Being with Brice was different. She could be laid back. Around her friends she was jumpy, afraid, and lonely. Most of all, depressed.

  “So, do you play?” Shay asked him, eyeing the drums that sat next to his bike.

  “I do,” he responded.

  “How long?”

  “About a year. I’ve been playing guitar since I was eleven though. Music is my life. In fact, I even write my own songs.”

  “You write,” she asked. Brice didn’t strike her as a writer. Sure, she could totally see him in a rock band, but she never thought of him as a writer.

  “Why does that shock you?” Brice asked. He’d been writing since he learned to play guitar. It was a good outlet for him. He didn’t think it was such a big surprise.

  “I don’t know. I just didn’t think you were the type to write.”

  “And from what I saw, so do you. I saw your journal on your desk at your house.”

  Shay froze. “You didn’t read it, did you?”

  “No, I’d never do that.”

  “What do you write about?” Shay asked.

  “Everything. Do you want to hear a song? I actually just wrote a new one about a week ago,” he told her with a smile. He knew the minute he played the song, she’d know exactly what it was about.

  “I’d love to.”

  “Come on then, pretty girl.” Brice smirked, holding a hand out to her.

  Taking his hand, Shay followed Brice into the house, up the stairs and into a room. His bedroom. She wasn’t expecting his room to seem so normal. His walls were painted a grey color and there were lyrics of rock bands that were painted in red on them. There were pictures of his mom and him on his wall. His bed was huge, bigger that hers. On the other side of his bed sat a desk. His room was organized and she was surprised. Brice didn’t seem like the type of guy who kept things organized. She took him as the sort of guy who put things where he wanted and didn’t give a damn about the mess. It was looking as though she and Brice had more in common than she thought.

  “You look shocked,” Brice said, breaking their silence.

  “You know, I didn’t imagine your room to be so organized,” she admitted.

  “I don’t like things messy,” he said, and it was true. The past few years, with him and his mom being on their own, he was the one who always did the cleaning since his mom worked long hours.

  “Me either, so how about that song?” She was excited to hear it.

  “Are you sure you want to hear it?” Brice asked, grabbing his guitar from the corner. He remembered the first time he saw the guitar. He knew it was meant for him.

  “Yes, I’m very intrigued to know what Mr. Hotshot writes about,” Shay joked.

  Sitting on his bed, Brice softly began to play. His notes were soft and sweet as he began to sing. Shay was blown away with how amazing of a singer he was.

  Through an endless diamond sky

  I won’t let you down

  I can see it in your eyes

  All the pain you feel inside

  you walk this life alone Because you have nowhere to go you think you’re all alone

  In this cold and messed up world

  But Shay you’re so wrong

  Just take my hand,

  I can’t promise to make things better but I promise I will try

  I’ll be your friend when you need somewhere to go

  I’ve watched you fight this battle all alone

  But if you get up off your knees, I’ll catch you when you fall

  Because where there’s rain the sun does follow and leads you home again

  The darkness that you feel inside won’t keep you down forever

  and if you just take my hand we’ll get you through this together

  I’m not special, I’m no saint but tonight I’ll be your hero

  Yeah, just take my hand,

  I can’t promise to make things better but I promise I will try

  I’ll be your friend when you need somewhere to go

  I’ve watched you fight this battle all alone

  But if you get up off your knees, I’ll catch you when you fall

  Because where there’s rain the sun does follow and leads you home again

  As he finished the song, Shay took a step back. She didn’t know what to make of any of this. She thought she was just going to hear a simple song, but instead he played her a song that was about her. She closed her eyes, in hopes that if she couldn’t see him then she wasn’t really here. She felt her invisible walls slowly begin to crumble. How did this happen? Was it possible to actually care about someone enough to let them in?

  “Shay, are you still with me?” Brice asked, breaking the silence that lingered in the air.

  Opening her eyes, she began to feel the tears that pricked her eyes. This couldn’t be happening, for so long she’s tried not to feel anything, and yet here she was standing in front of someone that she considered to be her best friend, only it was so much more than that. “Why did you write that?”

  “I didn’t intend to, it just kind of happened. The night you ran away after I dropped you back off at home, I was just inspired by you. I want you to know that no matter what happens in your life, I’m here,” Brice told her, and it was the truth. He saw something in Shay, something great.

  “Brice,” Shay started with every intention of telling him that they shouldn’t be friends anymore.

  “Stop. I know what you’re going to say, but I’m not going to let you. Let me ask you something, do you trust me?” Brice asked as he stepped closer to her.

  “Yes. Brice, I trust you more than anyone else in my life, but…” He cut her off by placing his finger over her lips.

  “If you trust me, then trust me enough to know I don’t want you to push me out. I care about you, a lot.” Brice spoke with such a sweet voice as he cupped her face with both hands.

  The moment their lips touched, every invisible chain binding her to her past didn’t matter. She knew she should push him away; every instinct inside her was telling her to run away, but there something about the way he made her feel that was pulling her towards him. As much as she wanted the kiss, as much as she wanted to stay in this moment forever, she knew the happiness wouldn’t last.

  “Brice,” she whispered, pulling away.

  “Don’t pretend you didn’t want that as much as I did,” Brice said. The kiss had been so much better than he’d planned. It was soft and slow. Her lips were soft, and he could kiss her again, if only she’d let him.

  “Brice, I ... I don’t. I can’t. I just have to go.” And with those final words, she was gone.

  Chapter Eleven

  Shay fled from the house and ran as fast as she could. It didn’t matter that it was cold or raining. All she knew was she needed to get as far away as possible.

  Brice kissed her, and what was even worse was that she kissed him back. She wanted it as much as he did. She couldn’t deny it any longer; she had feelings for him and the intensity of how much she felt for him scared her to death.

  Shay found herself in the clearing that Brice brought her to the first time they’d hung out. She’d paid someone to buy a bottle of whiskey for her, and its half-empty bottle dangled from her fingertips. Shay wasn’t much of a drinker; in fact it wasn’t something she ever did until tonight.

  She didn’t know what brought her here, but she knew she just didn’t want to feel any longer. She couldn’t handle any of it anymore. Shay wanted nothing more than to just stop the madness, the darkness. Brice kept crossing her mind as she stood at the edge of the cliff. The water began to flow faster as the rain came down harder. She was a broken shell, and there was no one left to save her. She wondered what it’d be
like if she just jumped. Ended it all.

  She couldn’t handle the past that was holding her to that God awful night. She couldn’t move forward even though it was what she wanted the most.

  Brice kissed her, and rather than staying with him, she ran away from him. If that didn’t say he deserved better, she didn’t know what did.

  She felt the tears begin to fall from her crystal blue eyes as she moved closer to the edge. All she had to do was take one more step, and she could end all the pain, all the misery, and all the memories.

  “Shay!” A familiar voice called out to her through the rain.

  Turning around, she could see Brice standing behind her. He was wearing the same jeans and pants he wore when they’d been together, except now they were drenched.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” Shay scolded him.

  “Shay, get away from the edge,” Brice begged as he stepped closer to her.

  “Brice, stop. You don’t get it. You can’t be with me, and you shouldn’t want to. I ruin everything I touch. I’m a monster.”

  “You’re not. Shay, I know you believe that, but you’re not a monster. Please don’t end your life. Please just come back with me. I’m here for you, I can help you.”

  “Except you can’t! You can’t erase what happened. You can’t erase all the pain, or the anger or guilt of knowing that it was my fault,” Shay said.

  “I can’t help you unless you tell me what happened,” Brice responded compassionately. The sight of her in tears on the edge of a cliff made his heart hurt. The only thing he wanted in that moment was to grab her and never let her go.

  “It hurts. It hurts so much,” she told him before gulping down a long sip of whiskey. The burning sensation ran through her veins.

  “What hurts?”

  “All of it. I can’t stop the memories. Brice, I just want my life back. Why can’t I have my life?” she pleaded.

  “Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Brice said, trying to comfort her.

  “It can’t be. Just go Brice, just get away now, before I ruin you. I ruin everything. Just walk away from me now and never look back,” Shay begged him as she took yet another large gulp of the only thing that would help her forget, even for just a moment.