The Weight of Madness

by Randileigh Kennedy

  “Hey, Tony’s working tonight,” Olivia said over the loud rock music playing in the background.

  “Who?” Lexi and I asked in unison.

  “I used to work with him, he’s bartending tonight. I’ll get the drinks. Geez, there are quite a few guys in here. This may be our place after all.”

  As we made our way toward the long wooden bar stretched across the front of the room, my eyes locked on the familiar ones I’d been staring into just days earlier.

  Lance.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I groaned, stopping in my tracks. Sure enough Logan was sitting right next to him. Apparently there was no family emergency.

  “What?” Lexi asked curiously. Her eyes darted around the room, trying to figure out why I froze. Olivia picked up on it right away.

  “Son of a…”

  “Olivia, don’t,” I cut her off, grabbing her arm to stop her from heading over to them.

  “Sophia, I cannot let this go,” she replied, seething with anger as if she was just as hurt by all of this. “He owes you an explanation.”

  “No he doesn’t,” I responded, trying to avoid making eye contact with him again. “Maybe it was me. I put too much stock in it right off the bat. I built it up to be this thing, but maybe that was my bad. Maybe it wasn’t all that I made it out to be in my head. Maybe I misread the entire thing.”

  “That’s BS, Soph,” Olivia continued, still angry. “I watched the two of you together all afternoon the day we all spent together. It meant something to him. I’m sure of it. You could see it all over his face. All I want in the world is for a man to just own it – to be honest and just say whatever it is that’s made him change his mind. But they never do. For once I just want a man to own up to whatever happened.”

  “This isn’t your battle,” I said warmly. I appreciated the way she wanted to stand up for me. I really did. But I also felt stupid, like some dumb, naïve girl, begging some guy she just met to love her. It was ridiculous. At least he did me the favor of backing out now before things got too serious. There was so much more heartache to be had over a guy like that. I had to at least appreciate that maybe by this thing ending so soon – maybe that was better for me in the long run.

  “Either call him on it now, or I swear I am chopping down the stairs to his patio,” Olivia sneered, still fired up. “He does not get to treat you this way, Soph. Nobody does.”

  A waitress came by with a tray of shots and Lexi wasted no time snatching up three of them, holding out a twenty dollar bill. “Liquid courage,” she declared as we slugged down our drinks. It tasted like fire.

  “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I grumbled, walking toward Lance still sitting at the bar. His eyes were locked on mine, and within six seconds, I was standing right in front of him.

  “I feel like such an asshole,” Lance said, running a hand through his dark hair. “I’m sorry, Sophia. I really am. I just can’t do this.”

  “That’s all I get? Some vague apology? I actually thought something bad happened to you, or maybe to your dad. I was genuinely concerned for you. But it appears you’re just fine.”

  “I’m not fine, Sophia.”

  “Okay…then what I meant to say is, you look well. Not mangled from a horrible accident, that’s what I’m getting at.”

  “I’m not well, Soph…”

  “Well then what the hell are you?” I huffed.

  “Ashamed? A liar? I don’t even know,” he muttered. “Meeting you wasn’t the coincidence I thought it was.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him, not understanding what he was saying.

  “I’m really messed up, Soph. I’m not okay.”

  “Yeah, well I’m not okay either. Right now I’m some psycho girl screaming at a guy in a bar,” I replied, putting my hands on my hips defensively. “Why didn’t you just call me?”

  “I did,” he answered quietly. “I’m sorry, Sophia. I just…I can’t do this.” He stood up, as did Logan, who was listening to our conversation. Lance offered me the saddest look, and although I felt some sorrow over whatever emotion was behind his eyes at the moment, I was still angry more than anything.

  “You never called, Lance. My phone never rang.”

  “I did,” he repeated. “You wanted nothing to do with me. You made that clear.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m so sorry.” He brushed past me, heading out the door of the bar.

  “Sophia, we need to talk,” Logan interjected, trying to smooth things over.

  “Shouldn’t I be talking to him?” I replied angrily. “What the hell was that about? He never called me, Logan. I’m certain of that. Why would he say that?”

  “Because it’s true,” he said hesitantly. “He did call, but you didn’t realize it. He didn’t even realize it the first time.”

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” I stared back at him, waiting for more.

  He shook his head, looking up at the ceiling and then back down to the floor. He was about to say something, but then he paused, and the silence between us felt infinite until he finally got the words out.

  “He was the wrong number who called you before you two ever even met.”

  Chapter 10

  “That’s impossible,” I hissed. “That wrong number called me twice while we were together, so it wasn’t him. Wait, how do you even know about those phone calls?”

  “Can we talk about this outside?”

  My head was spinning. Surely part of that was the alcohol, but none of this was making sense to me. I couldn’t put it all together. It just seemed like a cruel joke

  .“What’s going on?” I asked directly, unsure as to why I was even bothering at this point.

  “Lance is pretty messed up,” he began, choosing his words carefully. “He has some…issues. He called you before you even met. He just doesn’t remember it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He was in a bad car accident awhile back. That’s when it all started.”

  “I already know he was in a car accident,” I interrupted. “He showed me the scars on his legs. What does that have to do with any of this?”

  “He was pretty messed up afterwards. He had a couple surgeries but that wasn’t the worst of it. The doctors aren’t sure if he really had a head injury or whatever – there was nothing conclusive on any of his scans. They thought maybe he suffered a concussion or something. But I don’t know, he started changing… Like his mind wasn’t quite right. So many other things happened. Please, can we just go outside?”

  I nodded, feeling defeated. I wasn’t sure what else to do. Logan led us out the bar doors. Olivia and Lexi eyed me curiously as I passed them, but I motioned to them that I was fine. As we stepped out the front doors of the bar, Lance was still standing there in the parking lot, no doubt waiting to see if his brother was coming out. He didn’t look all too pleased to see me with Logan.

  “Sophia, I really am sorry,” Lance said again through gritted teeth. “You’re making this so much harder on me.”

  “I’m making what harder? You’re not telling me anything. I don’t understand,” I replied, my voice full of heavy emotion. It seemed stupid to me that I was so worked up over the entire thing, but I couldn’t help it; he had that effect on me. “Logan said this has to do with your car accident? You already told me you had surgery on your ankle, what does that have to do with anything?”

  “It’s not the car accident,” he said somberly, running his hands through his hair. “There was so much more that happened afterwards. It’s messed with my head, and I just… I…” He couldn’t get out the words.

  “Logan said you did call me – before we ever met. Is that true? Were you the wrong number who called me the night before we met? Is that why you came into my shop? Just because I told you where I worked?”

  “I didn’t know it at the time, which makes me look like a damn fool. I’m not who you think I am. I have to go.” Lance shook his head, seemingly un
able to say anymore. His eyes looked dark and full of concern. Something about him had changed so drastically. Up until this point, he seemed so carefree and full of life. But now, looking into his eyes as they stared back into mine, all I saw was pain and regret. It lit a fire in me.

  Lance turned and walked away from me, and I hated the way my heart ached. I’d only known him a couple days, so I knew my feelings were irrational, but they consumed me nonetheless. It seemed impossible to have this heaviness on my chest, but yet watching him walk away from me, carrying some weight on his shoulders that I knew nothing about – the darkness behind his eyes just now spoke to me louder than all the joy I saw in him before. I hated that all I wanted to do was save him – when I had no clue what he even needed to be saved from. Worse than that, I wasn’t sure he even wanted to be saved.

  “I have to go with him,” Logan replied apologetically. “I know this sucks, Sophia. But please believe me when I say it’s for the best. He’s not in a good place. I thought meeting you was good for him. I thought it could restore him in some way. After you left our apartment the other night, the way he spoke about you…there was life in him again, and I’d missed that. Yet somehow he’s getting worse all at the same time. It’s better to just let him be.” Logan turned toward the direction Lance headed, picking up his pace to catch up with him. Just like that, they were gone, and I still felt completely in the dark.

  “What the hell is going on?” Olivia asked, walking out of the bar with Lexi following close behind. Logan and Lance were out of eyesight by that point after walking around a street corner.

  “I don’t know,” I replied, shaking my head. “He was acting strange. He wasn’t himself at all. I can’t even explain it.”

  “Drunk?” Lexi suggested.

  “I wish it were that simple,” I muttered. “He was a completely different person tonight. I didn’t even recognize him. It was like our time together never happened.” I wasn’t sure how to explain it to them. Logan brought up the car accident Lance told me about the first night we spent together, but I couldn’t see how that was relevant to what was happening now. None of it made sense to me.

  “Guys suck,” Olivia stated matter-of-factly. “Why do we even waste our time?” Olivia’s phone chimed at that moment, interrupting her. She stared at her screen. “Two days of silence, and Garrett’s finally texting me to come over.” She let out a heavy, frustrated sigh.

  “I’m heading home,” I said wearily, wanting to wish this entire night away. “Beach tomorrow?”

  Both girls nodded in unison. “Ten a.m.,” Olivia added.

  Despite the exhaustion in my head, my mind was full. For days I’d been worried about Lance, wondering if he was ill or if something had happened to his family. Now that I’d seen him and knew that wasn’t the case, I should’ve felt relieved somehow, but instead now I worried about him for other reasons.

  What did he mean? You’re making this so much harder on me. From any other guy, I would’ve suspected I was just getting the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech. But the torment in Lance’s eyes as he said it though – I believed there was so much more to it. The trouble was, I had no clue what to do about it.

  ***

  After a restless night of sleep, I awoke with puffy emotional eyes and a killer headache. I was still frustrated over the events from the night before, but it didn’t seem there was anything I could do about the situation now. I had no control over it. At the end of the day, Olivia was right – guys were just a waste of time, and I didn’t have a lot of free time to spare these days. The ease in which Lance walked away from me spoke volumes. He barely even hesitated. He turned around and that was it, never even looking back. I had to pick myself up and move on.

  Saturdays were meant to be spent refreshing for another grueling week – I had to let everything else around me go. It was the only way to move on for me. Agonizing over it all wouldn’t get me anywhere. He’d made his point. We seemed to be done, and I suppose the high road would be me accepting it.

  Even though I wasn’t scheduled today to be in the shop, I still wanted to go in for a few hours to get some things accomplished. I knew work would be a good distraction for me while I was pretending to be completely unaffected by the night before. I was convinced if I told myself that for long enough, I could probably believe it was true.

  I walked to the store, carrying all of my beach stuff with me so I wouldn’t have to head back home. It was just after seven and downtown was quiet. I put my key in the lock, surprised to see a piece of paper pushed through the mail slot. No. Couldn’t be.

  I closed the door behind me and picked up the folded piece of paper. Sure enough, I recognized the same handwriting from the previous notes he left. Why would he even bother?

  Sophia, I am so sorry for everything. I wish I knew you before. There’s too much to explain, and none of it’s good. You deserve better and I already know it. Sorry for the madness. Please understand the only reason I’m walking away now is so it doesn’t get worse. – Lance

  I studied the note in my hands and it just made me angry all over again.

  I wish I knew you before. I stared at those words. Before what? This note was too cryptic for me and it still told me nothing. If he thought these words were enough to get rid of me for good, he had another thing coming.

  I tried to organize the store, though it was already in good shape. I tried to sketch as it typically relaxed me, but it was doing very little for my nerves now. Around nine a.m. Gianna came in for her shift.

  “You okay boss? You seem off,” she commented as I dropped a few boxes behind the counter.

  “Yeah, my mind is just elsewhere at the moment. I’m anxious and I can’t focus. I was going to stay until about ten, but I may cut out now. I need the break today.”

  “I’ve got things covered around here,” she said assuredly. “Don’t worry about a thing. Go relax. It should be nice today, are you headed to the beach?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded, “with a May this warm I need to take advantage of it before tourist season hits.” I said goodbye and headed out. It was still too early to meet the girls at the beach, but I wasn’t headed there now anyway. I had another stop to make.

  Within seven minutes I was confidently knocking on Lance’s large, wooden apartment door. After a night of drinking, I typically wouldn’t bother someone at nine-fifteen on a Saturday morning, but I didn’t care at this point. I was too riled up to let this all go despite what I was trying to tell myself. Lance wasn’t one for sleeping anyway, according to what little I knew about him, so I told myself I probably wasn’t disturbing him in that regard.

  A few seconds of silence passed, then I heard footsteps. A moment later, the front door creaked open. Logan stood there in Under Armour shorts and no shirt. He looked tired.

  “Sorry, did I wake you?” I asked sincerely.

  “It was a late night,” he replied with a raspy voice.

  “Is Lance here?”

  “Yeah, but he’s sleeping.”

  I didn’t believe him. “Lance doesn’t sleep. At least that’s what he told me.” I pushed the front door open, clutching onto the note. I usually wasn’t so feisty, but I just wanted to get this over with before I lost my nerve.

  “It’s not a good time…” he started as I walked past him. I gasped once I looked into the apartment. One of the chairs from the living room was broken in pieces and there was a sizeable hole in the wall. There also appeared to be shattered glass on the floor.

  “What happened?”

  “It’s been a rough few days,” he replied solemnly. “Why are you here?”

  “I’m not crazy. He wrote me a note,” I explained, holding up the folded piece of paper in my hand. “If he wanted me to disappear, I was ready to after last night. But then he wrote this, which makes me think he has more to say. If he’s not letting this go, then neither am I.”

  “Do you want to go out on the deck to talk?”

  “Is Lance really sleeping?” I
narrowed my eyes at him, hoping for a truthful answer.

  “He fell asleep a couple hours ago,” he replied, running a hand through his hair the same way Lance did. “I’d rather not wake him. Let’s go talk on the deck.”

  I followed him to the patio furniture where Lance and I found ourselves tangled up in one another earlier in the week. It still seemed so strange to me how we went from that experience to last night in just a matter of days.

  “He’s not well,” Logan began, gesturing for me to sit down. “Has he told you much about his ex-girlfriend?”

  “Not really.”

  “I think she had some issues before they even met,” he continued, apparently ready to have an honest conversation with me. “After the car accident happened, that just made everything worse. She had some addiction issues. It spiraled out of control from there.”

  “Was her name Emily?” I brought up the name again that I recalled from the first phone call. “If he really is the one who called me before we met, he mentioned her then. He thought I was her on the phone.”

  “That’s the thing,” he stated, choosing his words carefully. “His insomnia issues, the post-traumatic stress from everything that happened after the accident… He wasn’t even aware he called you. It’s kind of like sleepwalking. He’s completely out of his own mind. Sometimes he goes days without sleeping. I’ll hear him late at night and he’s up at all crazy hours, listening to music or drawing or just standing out on the deck. No matter how tired he feels, he still can’t sleep. Sometimes he’ll take some pills to help calm him and put him to sleep, and that’s when it happens. He does things, bizarre things, and doesn’t remember any of them the next day. He’s awake, but yet it’s like he’s dreaming.”

  “I don’t understand any of that,” I said empathetically, trying to connect with what he was saying, though I couldn’t fully wrap my mind around it. He’d said something about posttraumatic stress? I’d heard of PTSD, particularly the way it affected members of the military once they’d returned home, but outside of that scenario, I was very unfamiliar with it. Could a head injury cause that? Or maybe it was caused by something else he’d been through?