BOMAW 7-9

by Mercedes Keyes

  "You shut your mouth! Disrespecting your father that way! Disrespecting me! Fine, you want to go back to ruining your life! Back to setting yourself up as a fool! Everything I've ever done was to assure the best possible benefit to all in this family! Everyone of you! I tried to save you from yourself in all that I've done for you! You think you know what's best for you, but you don't. You continue on this course and you'll know truly what its like to be less than a man! Your father is more of a man than any you've ever known! You've shamed this family enough! You hear me!? You've humiliated us beyond what should have been allowed, you and your rebellious arrogance! You got that girl pregnant and married her just to snub your nose at me!" She'd ranted on as he ignored her packing his things. Trying to block out what she was saying to him and the tiny part of it that was true. His entire life, thinking, and behavior was geared off of her influence on him, he had to break free of it, of her - before it was truly too late. He couldn't take it anymore. If he were to ever look at himself in the mirror again without feeling the shame and humiliation brought to him because of her, he needed to break off all ties. She'd followed him to the door, watching as he went to his car, loading his things, then back in again for more, following him each way going on and on.

  "You go back to her, you'll be sorry! You think with her, you'll be a better man? With her beating you every chance she gets? Whipping you like a little boy! That's all you are, you're just a little boy trying to play at being a man! You're not a man! You don't know what it means to be a man! She'll bring you more shame than you've ever known; she'll humiliate you and bring you so low, you'll be crawling everywhere you go! Do you hear me! Fine, fine then, get your things out of my house! Take it all! When you're ready to admit that I was right, you'll be back! When you're stripped down to nothing but a pitiful, shallow shell of a man with nothing to show for your life! For your sons! You'll be crawling back here then."

  With the last in hand, he'd turned in the front door looking at his father, who'd stood by the entire time her rant went on, saying not a word. They'd made eye contact. Looking at his father, he had shook his head in pity for him. Just as he was about to say something more to him, his mother had slammed the front door in his face.

  Exhaling, he'd turned away, walking to his car, loading the last of his things inside. After getting in, he'd suddenly felt the need to go by Sylvia's to see his wife. He knew that he would have to face Shawn's wrath, his displeasure and so-be-it, he would take whatever he had to give, just as long as when he finished, he was able to see his wife. He wanted her to know, that he'd left his mother's house and for good. No more games, no more tearing himself down the middle to please her and then try to keep his wife happy as well. He'd tried it and it just didn't work. Thinking back to the things he'd done concerning Crystal, treating her as he'd done. Not standing up for her before his mother. He could see it all so clearly now and he was ashamed reflecting on it, ashamed for not turning his back on his family since they refused to embrace his wife. And yet, there was in undeniable self-loathing because he knew why he hadn't. Often there had been times when he'd left her at home and shown up at gatherings for an hour or two to please his mother, never telling Crystal about it. Telling her instead that he'd been hanging out with a few friends from college. That had been furthest from the truth. He remembered one of their fights had been because she'd discovered what he'd been doing.

  She'd been so angry, and yes, humiliated. He'd tried explaining that he'd only done it to keep the peace. That it wasn't because he was ashamed of her, or embarrassed to take her around his family. It was to keep his mother happy so she wasn't so hard on her when they did come together. Thinking back to that now, Victor realized his wrong in their marriage. A marriage that existed because of his love/hate feelings towards his mother. Yes, he loved her and hated her. And for her, he'd made his wife feel insignificant and unimportant against his family. He'd put her feelings and needs second to them, to the "Prescott's"; to his mother. In truth because his primary goal had been to displease his mother and not, to please his wife.

  Now he stood before her mother's home. Without her or his family. He shook his head, she, his sons ... they were his family, he hadn't really felt it so much then, as now. "Why God has it taken me so long to wake up?" He stood finally seeing it all and could recognize many instances, where he had given his wife fuel to lash out in frustrated anger, hurt by him, the things he subtly did.

  He checked his watch to see what time it was.

  9:45pm

  Yes it was getting late, but he didn't care, Crystal would still be up. He wanted so much now to talk to her. He wanted her to know that he'd been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about so many things concerning himself, his past, their marriage. Really deep soul searching and what he'd discovered, was wrecking him from within.

  For one, he wanted her to know that he could see his part in making her feel in a way she should have never been made to feel. He wanted her to know that he realized everything, that it hadn't been all her, even though he'd made it out like their problems had been all her fault. Looking back, he knew that he'd done it, set things up so that he could walk out of the marriage with a clear conscience.

  Manipulation ... guilty. He knew it and facing it made him scared.

  Because at the very start, he hadn't really been as much in love with her as it had been lust. The marriage was to keep himself in an honorable position. Also, he finally admitted it to himself, as his mother had ranted at him, he had married Crystal in direct defiance of her. What love there was, he hadn't been completely sure of it; which was the real reason he left, as he did, when he did, still not sure that he loved her. He remembered his words to Shawn when he asked him,

  "Are you still in love with her?"

  "I don't know... to be honest with you... I don't know. I thought at first, that I could handle her. I thought all she needed, was some tlc. But - it goes deeper than that, tlc is only a band-aid that keeps coming off before the wound can heal. I've tried to just hold her down, just pin her to the bed until the rage passes, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It depends on what its about. I think she needs to be on medication... but that makes her angry for me to say that. I've tried Shawn... but she pushes me to the edge. I've hit her twice and its two times too many, I had no choice though, its like... she needs me to hit her or something. The two times that I did... the rage dissipated, she starting crying and apologizing and she was as sweet as could be for days. Its weird."

  All that he'd said that day, had been said so cunningly smooth. One truth, he had thought he could handle her. And yes, she surprised him, everything about her stunned him. She made him, see her differently, from the way he'd viewed her from the start. She was a precious possession/weapon with all the right stuff to benefit him and fill his needs, all accept that fiery temper. That had not been apart of the plan. It had taken him by surprise, sitting him in a trap of his own making. All that time, he'd used her as a private weapon to rile and shake his mother. Dating her, her getting pregnant, true it hadn't been intentional, getting her pregnant, but it gave him true reason other than his mother to marry her, which had been the ultimate blow to Natalie Prescott.

  At present, he stood wondering how could he have been so immature and stupid. Looking back at all the times she'd attacked him, he knew now that he deserved it. He hadn't felt that way then, because she'd turned out to be more than he'd bargained for. Unwilling to face the shame of his own wrecked game, he'd stayed with Crystal despite it all. Coming towards the end, he'd known he wanted to go, but didn't have the nerve to just go, so he had to set her up and then pulled the trigger. He knew what buttons to push with her because he'd gotten to know her. That day, in her mother's basement, he'd in one fell swoop, laid the dynamite track and lit the fuse and she blew. Giving him the way out with witnesses. Her own mother and Shawn. Who were both on his side, Sylvia more so than Shawn. Shawn even then while trying to be understanding towards him, was more compassionate and co
ncerned about Crystal, so he hadn't completely won him over, even though he'd said all the right things.

  He stood from his car walking in circles, looking over the top of it at the paused construction across the road. Inhaling deeply, he shook his head at himself. Why? Why had he done it? It all kept coming back to his mother.

  He now knew more than ever, because of the time apart from Crystal and his boys, just how sick and twisted his own motives were for what he'd done. He'd gone into that marriage with her, knowing that he could always get out of it when he was ready to, just get a divorce; just like that.

  His walks in short circles brought him over and over to his own self analysis and he concluded that his mother's influence over him was a great deal deeper than he'd ever imagined. It had guided his actions unchecked because in his private war with her, Crystal had become the innocent casualty. His boys, the innocent bystanders. There was no longer a way to justify his actions, not when he faced the possibility of losing her; with no one to blame but himself.

  Now, he knew how ridiculous he'd been, and in truth, cruel to toy with her emotions that way.

  He wanted her back and he wanted her to know that he wanted her back. Not just that, he wanted to tell her that he was sorry. Sorry because there had been actions on his part that he knew would provoke her anger as if deliberately pushed a certain way. Now, he hated what he saw, what he was indeed guilty of. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for ignoring her needs because her needs hadn't been all that important to him at first. Sorry now, because there would be no one to match the incredible way she made him feel. He loved having sex with her, making love to her, knowing that no man had every laid his hands on her. It had been that, he couldn't turn loose of; because who could claim what he could? That no man had touched his wife before him! He'd even thrown that in his mother's face with much pleasure. Going to bed with Crystal, having her, electrified him and it had been nowhere near the same with Jeanine.

  After Jeanine is when it hit him hard and heavy, that he was throwing away a rare and precious find, over what?

  Some stupid vendetta against his overbearing mother.

  To think that he'd actually tried to walk away. That had been the plan. Problem with the plan was, it had been too much to walk away from. She had given him two beautiful sons, two sons that she loved with all of her power and he thought he could just walk away from that, not look back and start over. He hadn't realized how much he would miss his boys. He hadn't realized what they meant to him and what it meant to be a father until he was, a father. Now, here he was trapped in his own scheme that was now backfiring on him. He couldn't walk away; not without feeling like shit. Not without remembering the birth of his boys. Not without remembering the good times, and there had been many good times. Times when his wife brought him laughter, great pride and tremendous pleasure. No, there was no way that he could walk away; if he did, something told him, he would never know, or taste true happiness again.

  That was the thing, when he wasn't playing mind games, she had done just that, made him happy.

  Right now, he felt less than a man. Right there, he felt lower than ever for making her a victim of his bitterness towards his mother. What was evidently clear and certain is that he was hurting without her.

  His heart was pounding so hard facing all that could no longer be denied. He took several deep breaths trying to squelch his chaotic system. He was a bundle of nerves. Too much thinking, so much regret. He ran his hands through his hair, looking up the road and wondering when would they turn down it returning home? It didn't matter where they were, he would wait. Because he wanted his wife to know that he wanted her back and that his parents would no longer dominate their lives. No longer would he allow them to be a grey cloud over their world. He wanted her to know that if they didn't accept her - then they were unacceptable to him.

  He wanted to beg her forgiveness for cheating on her, cheating on them, his entire family. Crystal, Isaac and Darren. He needed her to know all the things that have been on his mind. Other things as well, things like he didn't want his marriage to end like so many others, as further proof to a statistic that claimed marriages like theirs, never lasted. He wanted her to know that he loved her, really loved her. A healthy, sure, firm and more mature, realistic love. Not the love from a college boy who was out to play games and carry himself as if superior to her. He wanted her to know that he would never again do little subtle things to make her feel like she'd been privileged to have him. He bent over the hood of his car, feeling sick to his stomach over it. So clever of him to make her always think that everything was her fault.

  Never had he imagined his psychological game would come back to bite him in the ass. What was making him ill was just how low his motives were in his actions towards her, it was that that was making him ill to know that his mother's influence glowed within, in another way. The fact is, what enabled him to do what he'd done to Crystal was that in truth, he'd felt superior to her.

  Again, guilty as charged.

  Every time Crystal acted in a way that validated his mother's opinion of her, his deeply buried, hidden opinion of her, he made her feel worse. His subtle cunning play of action, word and expression coated with superior arrogance was to check her. To snub her. It was to say to her without the actual spoken words, I am your superior, you are my inferior. Every little thing you do outside of what I've required of you, will be met with ridicule and finely cloaked condescension.

  Disturbed by it all, Victor realized tears fell from his eyes. He wiped his hand over his face as he saw his wife in his minds eye. Yes, she fought what he made her feel, physically fought it. Yet even so, she always maintained a certain dignity. A power that said, I will overcome. I will rise above. No one will keep me down. And as she fought for a place she already deserved, she still managed being humble, loving, gentle and contrite. She struggled to maintain a certain dignity and while not always successful, she was truly, real, substantial, solid, loyal and courageous.

  A Lion heart is what she had, a true young Lioness.

  Victor sniffed.

  "I gotta fix this. Fix it before its too late. God almighty, I'm in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply, in love with her this time. No more games, no more. I'll talk to her, I'll plead with her, whatever it takes to bring us back together, I'll do. I'll do it." He knew that she was someone, he would marry again and again. However for the right reasons, not like before. He suddenly chuckled ironically. He now knew why he kept dragging his feet and unwilling to take the steps towards divorce. He didn't want to let her go. Like some spoiled little rich boy with a special toy, one that he'd played with over and over, he didn't want anyone else playing with it. His going to bed with Jeanine, had been part test, part need, part arrogance. In his arrogance, oh it was okay for him to go about with others, but Crystal, she was his wife and his to stay. He knew her, long as she was his wife, she would let no other touch her, stand in his place, nor lie in it. Basically, he'd held on to be, 100% sure before he would let her go. Now, he was 100% sure that he never wanted to let her go. Enough was enough, it was time to get his family back.

  From now on, he would support her brain storms instead of killing them. He would embrace her for all the right reasons and tell her a thousand times that he loved her. He stood from the car and began walking around the yard as he smiled day dreaming of all the ways he would make a difference in their marriage. As he walked looking around he noticed something. Mundo's blazer was parked on the side of the garage and Crystal's car was parked in front of it. There was also another car parked beside it, he wasn't familiar with that one and wondered who it belonged to? He walked around to the back of the garage and looked in the window, it was dark, but he could make out Shawn's SUV and Sylvia's red mustang.

  "What the hell?" He muttered as he realized that all the vehicles were present, which didn't make sense to him. He also noticed that he couldn't walk between the house and garage anymore and so took the long way around looking up at the
windows in the house. There was faint lighting on as if no one was home. He came back up the other side heading back for his car. He stood there a moment thinking and knew one thing, they were gone somewhere that didn't require their vehicles. It didn't make any sense.

  So much for waiting.

  He climbed back into his car, started it and decided he would return later on in the week, he would see her then.

  * * *

  Sunday Morning Madison...

  Who said Sunday was a day for rest? No matter how many think that statement and privilege to be true, according to Bart's father, the LORD GOD, after creating all that he had for mankind, saw all that he'd done and said it was good. In full agreement, the Lord as far as Rev. Jacob Paul McPherson was concerned, was the only one deserving of that day off - to rest; not man. Man could toil for a lifetime and still never equal the Lord's deserving Sabbath day of rest. His teaching of that belief must be so, because that Sunday, all the McPherson's of Wisconsin were busy.

  Shawn had his crew up, his young men included. Marcus wanted to sleep a bit more, drinking the night before landed him incapable of getting up with Mundo and Benjamin, who had no choice but to get moving, especially with Shawn checking on their progress. With so many in his party, he wasn't about to fall behind in schedule, his wife was up and getting herself ready. The girls were up getting themselves and the little ones ready. The rooms had to be checked over to make sure nothing was being left behind and all of their bags had to be down in the lobby to load the shuttle bus and on time. Shawn stood over Marcus letting him know that his father had been called and would be there to pick him up at 12:30, check-out time because they'd all had to come back to the hotel in a cab, because all had been drinking. Marcus's reaction was a grunted, "Uhm hm."