Behind Her Smile

by Rosemary Hines

  Reaching over, she squeezed Madison’s hand. “Of all the things I’ve learned in my life, Maddie, the most important one is to put God first. You’ve probably heard that many times from many people. But it’s absolutely true. I remember my father, your great grandpa Phil, used to start each day by praying, ‘Lord, I want to know You more and love You deeper today.’”

  “Grandpa Phil was one of my favorite people,” Madison said, her voice filled with affection.

  “Mine, too,” Sheila replied with a smile. “And if he were here today, I think he’d advise you to be very careful about who you choose to be your lifelong mate. The world is pulling further and further away from God. We need those closest to us to be beacons of light, not a strong current to pull us away. Does that make sense?”

  Madison studied her face. “You remind me of him,” she said.

  “Who?”

  “Grandpa Phil.”

  Sheila’s heart soared and the surge of emotion caught her off guard. After so many years of spiritual wandering, she’d never imagined that anyone would compare her words with the godly wisdom of her father. Fighting back tears, she once again smiled at her granddaughter. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

  Madison leaned over and hugged her. “I love you, Grandma. And I think I know what I need to do now.”

  That night, as Madison was getting ready for bed, Miles called again. This time she answered.

  “Finally!” he said. “I tried calling you twice this afternoon.”

  “I know,” she replied.

  Silence.

  “We need to talk, Madison,” Miles said, sounding very much in charge.

  “You’re right. We do,” she agreed.

  “You know I love you, right?” he asked.

  “I know you said you do,” she replied, sinking down onto her bed and praying silently, God give me strength.

  “So that means I do.”

  “Okay.”

  “So are we fine now? I mean is everything back to normal with us?” he asked.

  “If you mean are we going to keep making out at my house, the answer is no.”

  There was a pause at the other end, and then Miles said, “What’s going on with you? We have a good thing going. Is this about your church? Are they making you feel guilty or something? Because if they are, they’re just stuck in the dark ages. We love each other. Who are they to judge us?”

  Madison could hear the desperation in his voice. And the anger.

  “Look, Miles. I never should have let things get this far. And it isn’t the church. It’s my own beliefs about what is right and wrong. What we were doing is wrong.”

  “Says who?”

  “Says me. Says the Bible,” she replied.

  “Like I said, it’s that church of yours. They refuse to recognize that everyone our age is doing this. It just means we love each other.” His voice broke as he continued, “I need you, Madison. And I do love you.”

  For a fleeting moment, Madison remembered how it felt to be in his arms as he murmured words of affirmation into her ear. Without warning, she began to cry. It was so hard to put a stop to something that made her feel loved. Her voice shaking, she said, “I can’t be with you, Miles. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love God first.” Her heart ached as the words tumbled out. And then an unexpected peace fell upon her.

  After a moment of silence, Miles said, “Goodbye, Madison. I hope you don’t regret this.” And then the phone went dead.

  When her anxiety threatened to surface again, Madison fell to her knees in prayer. And the peace returned.

  The next morning was Saturday. Sheila was in the kitchen about to call Michelle, when Madison walked into the room. “I did it, Grandma,” she said. “I broke up with Miles on the phone last night.”

  Sheila breathed a prayer of gratitude and relief. It would be a little easier talking to Michelle now. “I’m so proud of you, honey. I know that must have been really tough,” she said.

  Madison’s face revealed a gamut of emotions. “I hope someday, someone else can love me the way Grandpa Rick loves you,” she said, her voice breaking.

  Sheila stood and drew her close, holding her in a firm embrace. “God has someone special for you, Maddie. I just know it.”

  As Madison dissolved into tears, Sheila found herself feeling a strength and inner confidence that could only come from above. It was as if God were using her as His arms around Maddie. ‘Jesus with skin on’ is what her father used to call it. It was a sacred moment she’d never forget.

  “You know, he helped me make my decision,” Madison said, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

  “Who?”

  “Rick.”

  Sheila’s heart leapt. “He did?” She thought back to their discussion in bed the night before when her husband had shared about his conversation with Maddie.

  “Yeah. We talked on the way home from school yesterday. He’s really wise.”

  Sheila smiled. “I’ll tell him you think so. That will mean a lot to him.” Cupping her granddaughter’s chin in her hands, she brushed Maddie’s hair off her face. “I love you, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”

  Madison gave her a half smile. “Thanks, Grandma.”

  “You sit down here,” Sheila said, guiding her to the table and pulling out a chair, “and I’ll fix you some of my blueberry pancakes.”

  “I’ll help you,” Maddie replied, ignoring the chair.

  Sheila smiled. “You’re on. You can wash these blueberries, and I’ll start the batter.”

  “Where’s Rick?” Maddie asked as she pulled out a strainer and began her task.

  “He went to campus to get a file he forgot to bring home,” Sheila replied. “He’s got a lot of work to do this weekend.”

  “What are you doing today?” her granddaughter asked as Sheila added the berries to the batter.

  “I’m going to see your great grandmother. Want to come along?”

  Madison nodded. “Sure.” She looked relieved to have something to do with her day. “I’ll go get ready,” she added, giving Sheila a hug and then leaving the room.

  As soon as Sheila was alone, she picked up the phone and called Michelle. They made a plan to go out for dessert that evening.

  By the time they got over to Joan’s apartment complex, it was nearly eleven. As they walked through the grounds, they passed a group of seniors with easels as an instructor was teaching them how to paint with watercolors. The view of the ocean, with the flowers that skirted the complex in the foreground, was their subject. Madison stopped walking for a moment to watch them work.

  “That looks fun,” she said to Sheila. “Maybe I’ll take an art class for my elective next semester.”

  “You know, I’ve actually been thinking of taking one at the college,” Sheila said. “They have community non-credit classes that Rick was telling me about, and I saw one for painting. Would you want to give it a go with me?”

  Madison’s mood brightened. “Okay. Let’s do it, Grandma. When does it meet?”

  “It’s late in the afternoon, I think. Around four o’clock.”

  “Perfect!” Maddie replied, thankful for something to help fill the afternoons she’d been spending with Miles.

  “It’s a deal, then. We’ll try our hand at this together,” Sheila said, draping her arm over Madison’s shoulder and giving her a squeeze.

  Rounding a bend in the path, they found Joan watering some potted plants on her front porch. She welcomed them into her tiny apartment and offered them some cookies. “Michelle brought these over yesterday,” she said.

  The three of them sat in the living room and visited for a while. Then Sheila asked, “Do you have a list for the store, Mom?”

  “Right here,” she replied, reaching over and picking up a piece of paper from the end table.

  “I can go if you want,” Madison offered.

  Sheila smiled. “Thanks, honey, but why don’t you stay here and vi
sit? I won’t be gone long, and I’ll bring back something from the deli for lunch, too.”

  “That would be nice, Sheila,” Joan agreed. Turning to Madison, she added, “We could go check on my vegetables in the garden.”

  Madison had loved the vegetable garden as a child, and she still hoped that one day when she had a home of her own, it would include a spot for growing her own food. “Good idea, Grams,” she said. “And did you know about the watercolor class here? It looks like a lot of fun. Maybe you should try it.”

  “Let’s go have a look-see at that class,” Joan replied. “My neighbor is in it, and she’s been wanting me to join.”

  The three of them headed out, Sheila with the grocery list in hand, and Joan and Madison along the path toward the class. Not wanting to disturb the instruction, they observed from a distance. Shortly after they got there, Joan’s friend looked over and waved, and then returned her focus to her easel.

  “Doesn’t it look fun, Grandma?” Madison asked.

  Joan nodded, but she looked a little skeptical. “I’m not much of an artist,” she said. “And these old hands are getting kind of shaky. But it’s fun to watch them work,” she agreed.

  When they got to the vegetable garden, there was one other woman just leaving. She had a basket full of fresh-picked tomatoes and broccoli.

  “You’ve got a good harvest there, Olivia,” Joan said as she eyed the vegetables. Then she gestured to Madison. “You remember my great granddaughter, Madison, don’t you?”

  Olivia smiled. “Hi Madison. It’s good to see you again.”

  Returning the greeting, Maddie held the gate open for Joan. They walked over to her corner of the garden. Raised beds made it easier for the residents to plant and tend their vegetables. She noticed a few stray weeds were threatening Joan’s tiny crop. “I’ll get those,” Madison said as she pointed to them. After that was accomplished, Joan gave her instructions about which vegetables to harvest. They walked away with a bunch of carrots and some cucumbers.

  As they headed back to the apartment, Joan asked, “How’s that youth group of yours these days?”

  “I haven’t been attending lately,” Madison admitted.

  Joan nodded. “I looked for you when they came last weekend to paint the fences.” She paused and then added, “Life must be pretty busy for a young lady like you.”

  Madison cringed inwardly. Images of her and Miles together flashed through her mind. “I guess you could say that,” she replied evasively. “If I would have known the youth group was going to be doing a workday here, I would have tried to come, though.” A part of her wanted to believe that was so.

  When they got back to Joan’s apartment, they found Sheila inside unloading the groceries. As Madison helped put things away, a scripture on the refrigerator caught her eye.

  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;

  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

  Lamentations 3:22-23

  “That was one of your great grandfather’s favorite passages,” Joan said, pointing a bent finger at the paper.

  “I really like it,” Madison replied. She went to her purse and retrieved her cell phone then came back and took a picture of it. “I want to mark it in my Bible,” she added, noticing both her grandmother and great grandmother smiling at each other.

  Joan put her hand on Madison’s back. “There are many wonderful promises in God’s word, dear. Come sit with me,” she said. “I want to show you something.”

  Madison followed her into the living room and over to the chairs by the front window. A basket between them held Joan’s worn Bible and a journal. They sat down and Joan leaned over, retrieving the burgundy leather volume of scriptures. She pulled it open to a ragged bookmark in the first chapter of the Old Testament book of Joshua.

  The pages were marked with a multitude of underlines and words scrawled in the margins. Beside one verse, she’d drawn a heart. Pointing to it, she said, “Listen to this, Maddie. When God took the Israelites through the wilderness and into the Promised Land, He told them, ‘I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised.’ Did you catch that? They had to walk throughout the land and stand on the very soil in order to possess it.”

  Madison nodded.

  “Do you see what that means, sweetheart?”

  Studying her great grandmother’s face, she tried to understand the significance of what she was saying.

  “It means that we have to actually know and personally stand on God’s promises in order to possess them for ourselves.”

  “So how do you do that, Grams?” Maddie asked, realizing she’d never heard anything like that before.

  “You find a promise in here,” Joan said, patting her Bible, “that applies to a need you have. You take that scripture to heart and you stand on it just like the Israelites had to set their feet on the Promised Land to possess it.”

  Sheila piped in, “For me, that means I memorize the scripture, and I keep saying it to myself until it becomes real in my life and my situation. That way it moves from the pages of the Bible, into my mind, and finally into my heart. That’s how I stand on it.”

  A light went on for Madison. “Oh, now I get it,” she said. “I’ve heard people say they stand on God’s word, and I always thought they meant they believe it. But now I see what you mean about the promises in scripture. There might be lots of promises we don’t even know about. They aren’t really ours until we find them, learn them, and let them sink in to who we are.”

  “Well said, young lady,” Joan replied. “You just might have a future as a Bible teacher someday.”

  Madison shook her head thinking about how her life and choices would certainly disqualify her from that possibility. “I don’t think so, Grams.”

  “You never know,” Sheila replied knowingly. “God is full of surprises.”

  “You didn’t tell Grams about me and Miles, did you?” Madison asked her grandmother on the drive home.

  “Not about the things you shared in confidence,” Sheila replied.

  “Thanks for covering for me when she talked about me becoming a Bible teacher. I know I’ve blown any work I could do for God. He’s probably pretty much over me by now.”

  Grandma Sheila looked shocked. “Madison, don’t ever think that about God. He is in the business of restoration. There’s nothing you’ve done that He won’t forgive. He’s able to take the fractured parts of our lives and bring beauty out of the brokenness.”

  Madison stared out the car window, trying to imagine God using her life for something good.

  “You know, Maddie, you are a sweet person with a beautiful, gentle countenance. God’s given you a sensitive heart and a love for others. I know for certain He has a good plan for your future. You need to spend some time alone with Him, and let Him show you all that He has for you.”

  “How do I do that, Grandma? Every time I start to pray, I think about how I let Him down and compromised on things I knew I shouldn’t.”

  Her grandmother glanced over at her with compassion. “Oh honey. We all make mistakes.”

  “Yeah, but mine are pretty bad. I’m not sure how to even begin to make this right.”

  “Here’s what I do when I need to really have a good talk with God,” Sheila said. “I go down to the beach alone and just sit and watch the waves for a while. Then I start telling Him everything that’s on my heart and mind. I tell Him how badly I feel about the mistakes I’ve made, I ask Him to forgive me, and I usually end up shedding a few tears in the process.”

  “Really?” Madison was surprised to hear that.

  “Yes, really. And those tears end up helping to wash away my pain, as God reaches down and forgives me.”

  Madison tried to imagine her grandmother crying with God that way.

  “You want to give it a try?” Sheila asked.

  “You mean go to the beach and talk to God?”

  “Yes,” Sheila nodded. “
You can take my car if you want.”

  Madison thought for a moment. The idea of just sitting and watching the waves sounded really soothing. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to talk to God the way Grandma Sheila did, but maybe it would help her sort through her thoughts and make some decisions. “Okay. Yeah, I’d like to do that,” she replied.

  Before she headed out the door, Grandma Sheila stopped her. “Hold on. Let me get something for you.”

  She returned a moment later with an old flannel shirt in her hand. “This belonged to your great grandpa Phil. It was his favorite bum-around-the-yard shirt. After he died, I asked my mom if I could keep it. Now, whenever I’m wrestling with something or just plain missing him, I pull it on, and it’s almost like he’s with me again. Take it with you,” she said.

  “Thanks, Grandma,” Maddie replied, her heart touched by the intimacy of the gesture. Pulling on the soft, warm flannel, memories rushed back of a very special man, and she hugged it to her chest as she walked out to the car, feeling like a part of him was going with her.

  Parking her grandmother’s car on a road that led to the beach, Madison carefully locked it and walked down onto the sand. The sky was a little gray but didn’t look like rain. Not yet, at least. The cool air nipped at her cheeks, and she drew her great grandpa Phil’s flannel shirt close over her thin frame as she made her way toward the surf.

  Standing at the crest of the slope leading down to the water, she gazed out over the sea, thankful the beach itself was empty. She could see a boat far out in the distance, but otherwise she was completely alone. She wandered over to an old picnic table perched in the tall grass, and climbed onto it, taking a seat on the rough wood top.

  Memories began washing over her like the salty foam on the shoreline. Memories of Luke and their playful times at the beach growing up, her crush on him in junior high, and how their relationship had evolved into something much more to her than just friends. Memories of Miles, his eye-catching smile and the electricity that he had sparked in her heart and body when they were together.