Eat, Sleep, Fuck - The Wit & Wisdom of the World Wide Web - Vol. 4

by James Cox

  Eat, Sleep, Fuck

  The Wit & Wisdom of the World Wide Web

  Volume 4

  James Cox

  Copyright © 2012 James Cox

  All rights reserved.

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  Dedicated to the unsung heroes &

  the twisted geniuses

  of the world wide web

  which make life worthwhile

  with their wit & humor.

  Thank you.

  Politically Correct: A term used for whiny people that need shit sugar coated.

  We obviously don't strive for that.

  So be forewarned.

  Eat, Sleep, Fuck is a series of one liners

  & the occasional jokes

  collected from the furthest corners

  of the world wide web.

  A few of these have even been attempted by the

  author himself to stoke his pathetic ego

  & to boost his low self-esteem

  for a few minutes.

  If you are easily offended, this book is not for you.

  If crass, crude, sexist & blatantly offensive humor

  turns you on & makes your day, welcome inside.

  Hope you enjoy the ride.

  Each book in the series has a collection of about 300 witticisms.

  Please do leave a review

  Appreciate it. Thank you.

  Preface

  This book is to be savored like a fine Barolo

  but then, I don't give a fuck if you were to

  race through it in one sitting.

  I'd do likewise but the tormented demons

  in my head made me type this out.

  This is only to shut them up.

  Go ahead, do what you feel like with this book.

  Thank you for purchasing this book.

  Enjoy the ride.

  Warmth,

  James Cox

  If you'd like to contribute to the future editions with your wit & wisdom in exchange for deep gratitude & acknowledgement (no monies will be sent to the brave, funny, witty contributors), do shoot me an email.

  submissions.esf@gmail.com

  Chick logic: He's nice, but I'd rather date an asshole, try to change him, fail, get my heart broken and then preach "All guys are the fucking same!"

  For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you'll end up married.

  The absolute worse thing you can hear during sex is,"Sir, the mannequins are just for display."

  You marry & have kids for one reason: so somebody will cry at your fucking funeral.

  I wish all chicks could be a man for a day & try picking up a woman the way they say women wanna be picked up & see how full of shit they are.

  Women are like amusement parks. Choose the one with the best rides, not the cheapest admission.

  A good woman will open her legs and say,"Come fall in, love.”

  A B C D E F G H I A M H O R N Y

  Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty, which makes them feel inadequate, yet they buy 12 inch dildos.

  Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

  Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's idea of what a relationship should be.

  When your co-worker goes on vacation, draw a chalk outline on the floor by their cubicle & pretend they were murdered.

  Love (n): Enjoying someone's company after sex.

  Women aren't that complicated. Just kidding! They're fucking nut jobs.

  Get fat, stop wearing make up, become a total bitch... why would he ever leave?

  Condoms because that 1 girl you banged, banged 26 guys that banged 369 girls that banged 1105 guys that banged 7797 girls.

  Porn. The only industry where women get paid more than men, yet they manage to get fucked over by them.

  I'm glad women aren't physically stronger than men cause after destroying our confidence & self-esteem the last thing we'd need is a beating.

  Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures.

  We get it, you came in her!

  You know the oxygen masks on airplanes?

  I don't think there's really any oxygen in there.

  They're just to muffle the screams.

  The sooner men stop looking for that one sane woman in the world, the better off you'll be. They're all crazy. Pick the crazy you can handle.

  Let me stop you before you go any further...You seem to be under the impression that I value your opinion.

  Been trying to write an instruction manual on women but each page keeps contradicting the one before.

  James Bond is my favorite drunk, horny murderer.

  The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

  Cunts love it when you call them that.

  My favorite eye color is horny.

  It's odd that Rose said "I won't let go, Jack. I promise," and then let him drop to the bottom of the ocean.

  Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

  Ate an apple. All I need now is a smoke, a bottle of vodka, a bacon sandwich and a blow-job and I've had my five-a-day.

  I was asked to run a marathon, I said 'No way!'

  Then they told me it was for blind handicapped kids.

  I thought 'Hey I could win this.'

  One of the toughest, most agonizing decisions people have to make is, whether to be alone or to be alone with someone there with them.

  Pregnant women look so happy. It’s like they don’t know what’s going to happen.

  Today I feel like a birthday girl. But my wife says I can't have one.

  I look forward to coffee each morning in the same way I look forward to sex each night. Only difference is, I always get coffee.

  "I need commitment" said Tanya.

  Damon ripped off his shirt and wrote "Tanya's" on his chest in permanent marker.

  Now, she felt safe to love him.

  I didn't realize the dark back story of some of these Disney characters, like Goofy is brain damaged from untreated syphilis.

  My sex life basically consists of wanting to sleep with people who won't fuck me and masturbating to Enrique songs.

  I have a feeling that Victoria's Secret is actually herpes.

  Sure, masturbating to a lingerie catalog is lame but not nearly as shameful as stroking it to that instructional manual in a box of tampons.

  Hand jobs are like women's football. A cheap imitation of something men do better themselves.

  Your boyfriend looks like…I’d fuck you better.

  Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all. The only people that will call me sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

  My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

  I'm a liar, truth be told.

  All the women in my life are crazy. What about yours?

  The reality show about my life is Dancing with the Scars.

  I went on a date with a girl I met on Facebook once.

  It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

  I'm going to have to pay for my girlfriend's nose job.

  You know what they say...you break it, you buy it.

  A wise woman once said,"I'll clean & cook."

  If someone tells you to get to know yourself don’t do it. I did that shit & now I hate myself.

  It's not my job to judge people. But I'm more
than happy to donate my time.

  Not all men want a relationship for sex. Some want their laundry done too.

  Oh! I thought you would be funny because you are so ugly. So... there's kind of no point to you really.

  The secret to any successful relationship is to discuss everything together and then settle with the woman's decision.

  Being gay looks mighty expensive.

  "You look like someone that enjoys good food." - A compliment, or was I just called fat?

  I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

  Imagine the horror of being the first to be eliminated on a reality show but trapped in the opening credits for the entire season.

  Some Of My Facebook Friends

  Capitalize Every Word Of Their

  Status Updates Because

  Everything They Do Should Be

  The Title Of A Book.

  Sometimes I feel like the world is continually closing around me. Then inevitably someone asks me to stop standing in the elevator doorway.

  If I had to choose between drinking and fucking, I think I’d have to stop fucking.

  When everything in your life goes wrong just remember somewhere there’s a hippy chick who can’t wait to tell you that it’s all for a reason.

  Any bank can be a sperm bank if you can jerk off discreetly enough.

  "Please be fat now, please be fat now, please be fat now..."

  (Inner monologue of a girl looking up an old friend on Facebook).

  I want to love. I want to be loved.

  Until then, I'll just do what everyone else does.

  Pretend like that shit is like OMG so stupid.

  The only thing standing between you & a great joke is YOU.

  I have been married for so long now that my wife has perfected her 'silent treatment' to the point where I can hear my brain cells dying.

  Turns out,"Yes, please!" is not an appropriate response when your doctor asks,"Any cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol?"

  Yes, I understand. Now bend over.

  Communication is important in a relationship? Well, so is shutting up. Let's talk about our feelings through interpretive fucking.

  If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward.

  If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

  I understand, it's ok, I get that you're an idiot and I accept it.

  We could make love but I'd rather just fuck.

  Ironic how a bug that women find so repulsive contains two words that give them so much pleasure... cock...roach.

  I wear an automatic watch just so I have an excuse for my masturbation habit.

  I should be a career pallbearer, I'm pretty good at letting people down.

  Can we skip the part where you ask for my opinion and just be mad at me for no fucking reason?

  Most people's lives seem to be a never-ending cycle of the stages of grief.

  I only like putting my penis in a vagina because it's a self cleaning organ. It's like a penis carwash.

  Offering a guy a hand job is like offering a baker a cupcake.

  Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

  It's not a lie if you believe it.

  That urge you get to write "No one gives a shit" on someone's Facebook status.

  Most things just go away if you ignore them except women. That doesn't work with women.

  If giving blowjobs were a sport, I'd suck at it.

  My ex-girlfriend wouldn't break her promises to me, she'd shatter them on the floor, hand me a broom and then blow my friends as I swept.

  Remember, a random act of kindness can be as simple as leaving someone the fuck alone.

  I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments.

  "Ladies first" because, how else am I supposed to stare at your ass?

  The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

  Vaginarella: A girl who fucks you and leaves before you wake up.

  I was sexting a girl and she said she can't get wet. I told her to turn her vagina off and turn it back on.

  Love is a four letter horror story.

  I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.

  Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

  Women: And for my next trick I will be visibly annoyed at you and slightly distant for a few hours but never tell you why.

  If you won't sleep with me, at least let me disappoint you some other way.

  If you own something I could never afford, I’m gonna assume you have a small penis because it makes me feel better about my miserable life.

  Blessed are those that shut the fuck up every once in awhile.

  There's a special place in hell for people who call you when you text them.

  That moment in every man's life when he realizes he can be easily replaced by a little plastic vibrator.

  What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.

  Kids today are pussies because everything is considered child abuse.

  Back in the day, you slapped the fucker once and he learnt his lesson.

  Life's too difficult, so let's lie to ourselves and everyone else, cause that will fix everything and absolve us of our own wrong doings.

  Can I blow it like a Nintendo cartridge before you put it in?

  Will love girlfriend for food.

  Weird how I don't have a crush on you once I'm done masturbating.

  I can't even remember whom I'm trying to impress anymore.

  The deep end of my pool is so deep it listens to the Smiths and reads Kafka.

  When can I taste you?

  I don’t want to understand you…Your mischief is what keeps me around.

  If you work out without telling everyone on Facebook about it then you didn't really work out.

  Sometimes what doesn't kill you looks exactly like someone you used to love.

  Wings? The only thing Red Bull gave me was an irregular heart beat and violent twitching.

  I have seven feelings: whiskey, bourbon, scotch, gin, tequila, hate, and fuck you.

  I prefer to do my stalking undetected. At least up until the point where you wake up tied to my bed.

  Your penis looks simply ravishing in those instagram pictures. Is that the Valencia filter? Lovely choice.

  Cynical, sarcastic asshole, and I'm fine with it, so piss off.

  I do not like you and I never will.