Eat, Sleep, Fuck - The Wit & Wisdom of the World Wide Web - Vol. 4

by James Cox

  Deal with it.

  Fuck you.

  99% of your problems could be solved with a punch in the face and a weekend in jail.

  Wish I could smack the first woman who ever thought it was a good idea to fake an orgasm.

  Never underestimate the power of a woman who knows exactly what she does not want.

  If she isn't a quivering and an exhausted mess when you're done, you're not doing it right.

  Don’t be shocked when somebody fucks you over. The real surprise will be finding someone who won’t.

  Hell can't be worse than being the guy working at the mall baby store & hearing all the women squealing about the little baby shoes everyday.

  As a young man I was an ass/legs man, now I strictly get hot for the proper usage of your/you're, to/too and there/their/they're.

  I'm thankful you can hide friends who are thankful on Facebook.

  If you are having difficulty understanding someone’s perspective, try removing your head from your ass.

  It does not make any sense that a happy meal doesn't come with vodka.

  Hands are the best bras.

  I checked into a hotel & asked the receptionist if the porn was disabled.

  She replied,"No, it's regular porn you sick cunt."

  You say,"I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so for months.

  This post contains one or more words known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash your eyes after reading.

  While you're waiting for Mr Right, let Mr Right Now ravish you.

  My boyfriend wants to know why I haven't found a husband yet?

  You say,"It's not you, it's me" like I'm not already painfully aware of that fact.

  That awkward silence when your spouse asks why you're so happy and your mind races to decide if "I'm in love" would be a passable answer.

  Having sex with your biographer is unquestionably more exciting than having sex with your autobiographer.

  Nobody will ever love you as much as a less attractive person.

  I admire my wife's business ethics. She has drawers full of sexy lingerie but will only wear them on business trips since her boss bought them.

  When I was a kid, we were so poor we sometimes had to travel on vacation in our small, single-engined plane.

  I like my men how I like my belts: Choking me.

  Dear female orgasm...will you just hurry the fuck up already.

  When it came time to have that talk with the kids about sex, I told my wife I wasn't qualified without an intense refresher course myself.

  If you miss someone that bad, just dig them up.

  Never underestimate the power a vagina can have over you.

  Here's some chocolate. Be less bitchy.

  A fuck saved is a fuck earned.

  A midday boner is terrible for productivity.

  Dear future wife, I hope you're doing your kegels.

  I do not mind the darkness, because in the darkness, girls take their shirts off.

  20% of the guys get 80% of the women.

  I'll take a fuck, but I'll never give one.

  Flirt with all, finger many, fuck few.

  Morning wood is nothing more than a systems check.

  Women use emotional firewalls and shit to distance themselves.

  I just use a distinct lack of personality and my non-existent social skills.

  A blowjob with a rubber on? Christ! I might as well shit with me panties up too.

  Is it a coincidence that Ford vehicles sound cooler if you put "anal" in front of them? Excursion. Probe. Explorer. Ranger.

  I'll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

  I've never seen "The Fast & The Furious" but I assume it's about a chronic pre-ejaculator and his constantly disappointed girlfriend.

  By far, the most useless home remedy I've ever tried was an open and honest dialogue for salvaging my relationship.

  I laugh when people tell me I have no life. I didn't get 3 stars on all the angry birds levels by doing nothing.

  I never believe it when a woman compliments me but if a gay guy does, you know you're doing something right.

  Remember when you were young and you could just walk around your parents' house naked? I miss being 31.

  Drunk wife + sober husband = Great sex

  Drunk husband + sober wife = Husband sleeps in the garage.

  My 10 year old thinks I expect too much out of her. I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

  I always text my husband those 3 little words: "Take your pills."

  Babies aren’t born singing with masks and weird costumes. Lady Gaga is such a liar.

  When more than one bride-to-be is celebrating her bachelorette party in the same bar, they should have to fight to the death.

  My wife just asked me how much weight I think she should lose, so I ran head first into the wall and knocked myself unconscious.

  Whoregotiate: (verb) Using sexual favors as leverage to get what you want from your spouse or significant other.

  Ladies, men in their twenties have so much to offer if you're willing to wait 15 years.

  I'm only good enough to be invited to the evening part of your wedding. Fine. That means I can drink all day and turn up as a drunk cunt.

  “Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object.” – How I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station.

  Threesome? Why the hell would I want to humiliate myself in front of two women?

  The only reason I don’t use condoms is because I never have sex.

  You didn't ask for my opinion but I gave it anyway. It's like I'm your wife.

  Hate to brag about my my sexual stamina, but I once made it through an entire commercial break.

  You said you wanted a dog so you bought a chihuahua!? I don't think you know what a dog is, do you?

  Well, I never have to worry about my husband turning gay. He gags brushing his teeth in the morning.

  When a couple asks me for directions, I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach the bitch a lesson.

  I don't usually cry for onions, but this one's story is so inspiring.

  Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

  One time I met a vegetarian who waited an entire 16 seconds to bring it up.

  Does begging count as foreplay?

  I have this horrible eating disorder where I eat a ton of food, don't exercise and get fat.

  Next time you sit at a McDonald's play land and a parent asks you,"Which one is yours?" Say,"I haven’t picked one out yet!"

  I wonder how many babies have been born because of "Trust Me."

  Maybe your dick would be bigger if 3/4 of it wasn't in your personality.

  Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk and only one person knows about it.

  Wish my husband would pound me the way he pounds those beers.

  You are cordially invited to join me for an evening of destructive, poor decisions, followed by a morning of sorrow and regret.

  When my ex worked out of town,

  he would take my vibrators away from me.

  Said I was cheating on him with them.

  Should have taken his brother too.

  People say,"If you could have any job in the world, what would you do?" and I say,"If I have that kind of power, why do I need a job?"

  Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"

  I'm English, which means I'm looking forward to my 50's when I can play an evil genius in most Hollywood films.

  The internet is not making me dumber and lonelier, it's making me lazy and delusional.

  Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't workout.

&n
bsp; Don't be afraid of intelligent women. When they fall in love, their brains automatically switch off.

  College was the worst get rich quick scheme ever.

  Guess who lost 25 pounds! The girl at work did. What a bitch!

  J.K. Rowling stole my idea of writing a book and becoming the richest person on the planet.

  Smart men know that when a woman sends them to the store for tampons, they should pick up a case of beer for themselves too.

  I'm on this great diet called poverty.

  The first step is admitting you have a problem.

  The second step is freaking out.

  The third step is pretending you don't have a problem.

  Biggest mistake of my life was letting my family know I'm good with technology.

  I never tell women my real name cause I don't like the restraining orders to become "legal."

  I like my Men how I like my Zombies; Chasing after me, just to eat me.

  Most people's creative juices are made from high-fructose corn syrup and preservatives.

  If you've done your job properly, there should be a little splash when you stick it in.

  You don't have to drive a fancy car if you can find the G-spot and the clitoris.

  It's weird to see a girl's wedding pictures on Facebook when just eight months earlier you had your fingers in her.

  If she's pretty, pretend you don't like her.

  If she's ugly, pretend you do.

  I always prefer to treat women with the respect, dignity, adoration and appreciation they deserve. But I like having sex, so I don't.

  Love is letting him shoot it in your hair.

  That fancy wine glass makes you think what you're doing is elegant instead of desperate.

  You don't have to go to the zoo to see a once powerful animal in captivity. Just go hang out at your married friend's place.

  Strong independent women make crappy sandwiches.

  That hot girl you've been after has never given a blowjob and nothing kills the mood like her asking,"So, I put my mouth on it and then what?"

  Other than my ex wife's vagina, what is known to spit venomous poison with blinding accuracy from up to ten feet away?

  A woman's psyche often matches her vagina. Hostile, acidic and sometimes bloody.

  Give him the butt, guys will do pretty much anything you want if you let them do you in the butt.

  You are who you used to do.

  After dissecting your psychological profile I've come to the conclusion that you're little more than a common household bitch.

  If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.

  The number one thing I look for in a woman is my penis.

  Him (Flexing): Why do I get a raging erection when I look at myself in the mirror?

  Her: Because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.

  Dildos were invented when women realized they wanted to keep the only part of their ex that made them happy.

  My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards.

  I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

  That simple phrase "We need to talk" has the ability to bring to mind everything I've ever done wrong.

  People should receive a lifetime prescription for valium the day their first kid is born.

  Any man that goes to the store to buy tampons for his girl is thinking “Thank God I’m not buying a pregnancy test”

  Heads up boys: If she describes herself as "intense", she means "fucking bat shit crazy!"

  What do you call a woman with an opinion? Single.

  The only "B" word you should call your girlfriend is beautiful . Bitches love that.

  If I see that you have a family car window sticker, there's a 100% chance I'll draw a dick on every single figure .

  My Indian name is Fuck You I'm White.

  What's the best way to ask your doctor to add another finger during a prostate exam?

  Maybe she's born with it, maybe she's just a cunt.

  Fucking black guys should be considered beastiality.

  Bukkake. Because who wouldn't want to be the center of attention?

  The quickest way to a mans heart is to make semen shoot out the tip of his penis.

  I have an extra bag of false hope and empty promises if anyone's interested.

  Everyone is beautiful with a bag over their head.

  Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'

  Give her slippers and a dildo for her birthday. So if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

  My plan of winning the lottery and living happily ever after is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.

  Tits and ass are fantastic, but brains don't sag.

  No matter how many holes you put in your face, daddy's never coming home.

  Money can’t buy happiness, but it can get you a wide array of anti-depressants.

  You don’t need to worry about wasting your life.

  Your life would have to be worth something for you to be able to waste it.

  And you're fat.

  There isn't any big conspiracy holding you back, you just aren't very talented.

  Women are not indecisive. A woman knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want. The problem is that most of the time it's the same thing.

  Eat too much? Fat.

  Eat too little? Anorexic.

  Not a virgin? Slut.

  A virgin? Boring.

  Society is so full of shit!

  When a guy says “I love funny girls”… What he means is a funny girl with nice tits. And they have to be pretty. And they can’t be fat.

  A one armed man trying to rowboat is a good metaphor for my life.

  I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

  If it doesn't make you stupid, it's not love.

  I feel sorry for you.

  Why?

  Because I'm the love of your life.

  You just don't know it yet.

  An asshole a day means you're gay.

  Baby, it's okay to have feelings. They're normal. If I were chained up in this basement like you, I'd be angry too.