Becoming Faith

by Joy Eileen

  “What are you saying?” Kill’s body leaned toward Doctor Dacky. He looked like he wanted to absorb every word as soon as they left her mouth.

  “I’m saying this baby has latched on pretty good. You have made it almost thirteen weeks. It has as good a chance at going to term as any other thirteen-week fetus.”

  Kill’s smile was so radiant I could have sworn the sun entered the room. “Okay, so bed rest? What are you thinking, Doc?” Kill’s attitude was infectious, and the nerves I was already dealing with ratcheted up.

  Doctor Dacky patted Kill on the shoulder. Her body visibly relaxed, and as I predicted Kill’s love for me showed his innocence. “Calm down, daddy. Really, there’s nothing I can tell you two to do differently.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, grabbing onto Kill’s hand. In my mind I had already sequestered myself to bed, taking every precaution to keep the baby safe.

  “Faith, your blood test came back perfect. The baby’s heartbeat is strong. At this point, I can’t even categorize you as high risk.”

  “How can that be? You said she couldn’t get pregnant. Multiple times. And then you said she most likely wouldn’t be able to carry a baby to term. To me, that’s the exact definition of high risk.”

  She smiled. I held my breath, waiting for her to address Kill’s concerns. As usual, Kill and I were on the same mental wave length.

  “I understand what I said. And I never expected this to happen. The baby has attached to a place where the scar tissue hasn’t affected the uterus. In fact, it’s in quite possibly the only place it could have attached. You’re also close to your thirteenth week. Faith, there really isn’t much you can do. If it’s meant to be, that baby’s going to stay.”

  “What about precautions?” The tick in Kill’s jaw showed he was on the verge of a mini panic attack.

  “All I can say is, don’t lift anything too heavy. Listen to your body. When you’re tired, stop what you’re doing and put your feet up. Drink lots of water and take your prenatal vitamins. Because of the scar tissue you’re going to experience more cramping than normal. Especially as the baby grows and the uterus expands. There will be time the scar tissue will stretch and sometimes break. When you feel pain, check for any bloody discharge and call me right away. Any concern you have, please don’t hesitate to call me. Other than that, keep living your life as you were and just take care of yourself.”

  “What about her book tour? Should we cancel that? I think we should.” Kill bent down and kissed my cheek, his hand clammy in mine.

  Kill sounded a lot like Tilly. Her persistence that I quit the signings was annoying. Kill’s was charming.

  “Well, I don’t see why you should cancel it. Many women work while they’re pregnant. As long as you’re able to relax and listen to your body. No stress. Also, you need to be here for all of your appointments.”

  “I can do that,” I told her, watching Kill’s argument form on his lips. “I’ll be fine. Just think, I made it twelve weeks. And I had an intense schedule. I’ll tell Andrea not to add any more signings. It will be perfect, and I’ll be near you. I would go insane if I had to stay home while you were on tour.”

  “I’ll let you guys discuss that. Make sure you reschedule your next appointment in about three weeks. We will continue to do twice a month unless there are complications. Congratulations. You’re a strong woman, Faith. I really do think this little miracle has an amazing chance. January twenty-first’s going to be a special day.”

  My fingers fumbled with my jeans. Kill came up behind me, stilling my shaking fingers.

  “It’s going to be all right.” He was quiet, helping me finish getting dressed.

  “I have to go back on tour,” I told him, facing the wall.

  “Slick.”

  “No, if I’m home I’m going to constantly think about what’s happening inside of me. I’ll go crazy. At least if I’m on tour I’ll have something to keep my mind busy. And I’ll be near you.”

  “I don’t like it, Slick.”

  “I promise to tell you if it’s too much. If I’m tired, I’ll slow it down.”

  Kill kissed the back of my head and held me tight, his hands automatically landing on my stomach. The hysteria in my voice was noticeable.

  “All right, but if I see you taking on too much, I’m going to call you out.”

  I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You’re the best, Killer. Also, can we keep this a secret from the boys for a little bit longer?”

  “We can do whatever you want. I have a good feeling about this, though.”

  “Kill,” I warned.

  “I understand you’re scared. Hell, I am too, but, Faith, we can only worry so much. Let’s just take this day by day. I’m a daddy. It doesn’t matter if I’ll ever get to hold that baby inside of you. If I get to watch it grow old. I’m this baby’s daddy forever. You gave me a gift nobody has ever given me, and I’m forever in your debt. I’m going to take whatever I get and be grateful for the time I have. No matter how short or long it is.”

  I buried my face into his shirt and sobbed. He was right. He was always right.

  This was our little miracle, and no matter how long we had, we needed to embrace it. Fear like I’d never felt in my life had wedged in between every nerve ending. But hope had also settled in. January was a long way away, but there was really nothing I could do but wait. It was all in the hands of our little fighter.

  “I think it’s time we tell everyone.”

  Kill’s hand stilled over my growing tummy when I spoke.

  Rubbing my extended stomach was becoming one of his favorite things to do. His calloused fingers felt amazing on my stretched skin, so I wasn’t complaining. Kill hadn’t said anything, but I knew it was torture to keep this from the band.

  The boys and my parents suspected something already. My pregnancy was now in the twenty-seventh week. It was time to tell everyone. Every month the baby grew stronger, and the fear woven around my heart loosened.

  Doctor Dacky praised me on every appointment. At my last appointment she urged me to stop hiding and start celebrating.

  The boys’ questioning stares were becoming more often. My huge sweaters were suspicious. The only one that accepted my new wardrobe without a hint of curiosity was Tilly.

  “Are you sure?” Kill asked, his lips kissing my stomach where his fingers had been tracing.

  “Yeah, it’s time. I was hoping to wait so we could reveal the gender. But with this tiny munchkin refusing to open their legs and show us the goods, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

  “You’re just shy. Aren’t you? I bet you’re a little girl and you don’t want some weird technician with a lubed up wand looking at your stuff,” Kill cooed, making me chuckle.

  A hard kick hit my stomach, right under Kill’s lips.

  “Did you feel that? I’m telling you, Slick. She’s a girl. When do you want to tell everyone?” His lips didn’t move, waiting for another kick.

  “Tonight after the concert. It’s getting too hard to hide this belly on the bus. And I want to tell them before they figure it out.”

  “We’re going to tell your uncles about you. You have so many people who are going to spoil the hell out of you. What about your parents?” Kill lifted his lips from my belly.

  “I guess we could call them later. I hate telling them over the phone.”

  “I have a better idea.” Kill threw his shirt at me. “Put that on.” He jumped off the bed and yanked a pair of jammie pants on, then snatched his laptop off the hotel dresser. “Let’s VisitTime them.”

  “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  Kill sat down next to me, and we hit the button to call my parents. A hard kick to my stomach cranked up my nerves. Martha’s face popped up after the second ring. “Oh, hi, Faith. I didn’t realize you were with Kill,” she said, nervously looking around.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, getting the feeling she was
trying to hide something.

  “Oh, of course everything’s fine. How are you? I miss you guys so much,” Martha gushed, moving closer to the camera, blocking the background.

  “I’m good. Great actually. In fact, we have something to tell you. Is Dad around?”

  I saw Kill’s smile in the tiny box on the corner and couldn’t help but turn and kiss his cheek.

  “Eugene, the kids are on the computer. Come talk to them. Faith’s on it too,” Martha yelled.

  I didn’t have time to wonder why she was acting so weird. My dad came into the picture soon after she called him. His cheeks had patches of red on them, and he glanced at Kill before smiling at me.

  “Hey, baby girl. How are you? It feels like we haven’t talked in forever. Now that you’re famous you don’t have time for your parents?”

  Guilt swamped me. I’d been avoiding them a lot since I found out about the baby, afraid they would see right through my bulky clothing.

  “Sorry, Daddy. I’ve been busy and, well, Kill and I have been working on something, and it has been taking up all our free time.”

  Martha and my dad glanced at each other, and something passed between them. Kill cleared his throat, and I could have sworn he shook his head. When I glanced at him, he wore an innocent face.

  “Well, what’s this secret project? Do you have another song?” Martha asked slowly, her body language showing she was nervous.

  “Uhmm, not exactly.” Now that they were as in front of me as they could be, I was losing my nerve. They were going to be the first people we let in on this secret, and it scared me. By not talking about it, I felt the baby was protected from the universe. Once we said it out loud, I was afraid the baby would be on the universe’s radar.

  “What is it?” Martha asked after a long pause. She bounced up and down on her chair, easing my worry.

  “I’m pregnant,” I said in one quick breath.

  My dad and Martha stared at me for a long time. If it wasn’t for the time ticking away on the top of the screen, I would have thought the computer froze.

  Martha was the first one to break out of her shock. She screamed and shook my dad’s arm to get him to react to the news. “We’re going to be grandparents,” Martha yelled, her smile taking up the entire screen.

  I watched my dad, waiting for him to react. Fear that he wasn’t going to be happy for our little fighter clogged my throat. When I saw the single tear run down his cheek, I broke. “Daddy,” I sobbed.

  He blinked away the tears and leaned in and kissed the camera screen. “I’m going to be a grandpa,” he said to nobody in particular.

  I laughed at the stunned expression on his face.

  “When are you due? When do you find out the sex? Are you feeling okay?” Martha’s questions were shot off in quick succession.

  “I’m due January twenty-first.”

  “What? Why did you wait so long? We’re at the end of October. We need to plan a baby shower.” Martha magically pulled out a calendar.

  “As you know, I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant. Kill and I decided to wait until we thought it was safe to tell everyone.”

  Martha sniffled, and I wanted to placate her.

  “You guys are the first people we told.”

  She beamed, and I knew it was the right thing to say.

  “As for the gender, the tiny rebel refuses to open their legs. We’re as in the dark as you are,” Kill answered, making everyone laugh.

  “We don’t have much time to plan a baby shower,” Martha reiterated.

  “I didn’t really want to do one. You know, just in case,” I whispered the last part and a big kick struck in the middle of my tummy. My hand automatically went to where the kick landed. I smiled, secretly hoping it was the baby’s way of letting me know they weren’t going anywhere.

  “I understand that, and I’ll respect that,” Martha replied, closing the calendar. She tried to hide the sadness in her eyes, but I caught it.

  “Thank you.”

  We talked a little while longer. I answered all the questions Martha and my dad asked. I listened to their advice, and Martha’s labor stories. We laughed and cried and it felt amazing to finally come clean.

  Kill left for the concert, and I took a nap. I needed to build up some energy for the craziness that was about to happen.

  Tiny kisses landed on my nose, bringing me back to the land of the living. “Hey, baby. The boys are all downstairs, getting ready to eat. Are you up for it?”

  Kill’s body molded against my back, and I snuggled in as my eyelids refused to open.

  “Or we can just stay here.”

  The baby rolled over, making my whole stomach move.

  “Holy shit, did you feel that?”

  “Yep, I’m awake now. Let me pee, and we can go down.”

  When I stood up, I stopped to stretch. I’d learned over the months to do these things slowly to keep from aggravating the scar tissue. Throughout the pregnancy there were instances I would move, and it would feel like my whole lower half was being torn apart.

  Kill’s hands landed on either side of my belly, pushing my shirt up so he was against bare skin. “Hey, little one. Are you hungry? Or did you just miss the sound of your daddy’s voice?”

  My heart turned into a big glob of melted love, watching Kill talk to my stomach. Every day he became bolder, talking to the baby, telling it how much he loved it. The love he had made me more determined to go full term.

  “I’m going to answer yes to both,” I said, squirming as my bladder was being used as a personal trampoline.

  “I’ll take it,” Kill responded, letting me go so I could rush to the bathroom.

  The boys were all downstairs, shoveling food into their mouths. Lissa sat next to Van, tapping away on her phone. I tried to stop my mouth from turning down when I saw her. It was selfish, but I wanted this to be a moment between us. I hated that she was going to be around when we broke the news.

  With the success of the tour, and Kill letting her be the first to break our proposal, she’d become more tolerable. It didn’t stop her from interjecting rude comments whenever I was around. Her favorite was to remind me that my book doing so well had everything to do with the band.

  “He’ll smarten up eventually,” Kill whispered in my ear, reading my thoughts. “I kind of got them all something to break the news.” The excitement in Kill’s voice distracted me from Lissa’s presence.

  “What did you get them?” I asked, wanting in on the surprise.

  “You’ll see.”

  “Tilly’s here?” I couldn’t hide my surprise when I saw my accident prone assistant. In all the time I had known her she never came out with us. I invited her to eat after every signing, and she always refused.

  “Yeah, I figured since it wasn’t just us, we might as well break it to everyone at once.”

  “She is going to be even more persistent I quit the signings,” I groaned.

  “I’m not going to lie. I’m on her side.”

  I elbowed Kill in the side. He kissed me on the cheek, laughing at me.

  Before coming down, Kill and I decided I would wear one of my bulky sweaters but have a tighter shirt on underneath. There would be no mistaking I was pregnant once I shed my sweater.

  We sat down on the two empty seats and grabbed the food they’d already ordered. My morning sickness had been banished and was replaced by constant hunger. I bit into my cheeseburger as Kill, Van, and D talked about the show. Jet and Amy were in their own little world, whispering back and forth. Lissa ignored Van, while she conducted business or whatever the hell she did on her phone.

  Tilly eyed the group warily her face turning red when she looked at Kill. Kill winked at her, and she turned away quickly.

  “Don’t tease her,” I hissed in his ear.

  Catcher was also on his phone, and I assumed he was talking to Emily. They had been going back and forth ever since he’d come back to be my bodyguard.

  Once the foo
d was cleared away, Kill stood up. “I have an announcement to make.”

  “You’re becoming a woman, and Faith was just your beard,” Jet chimed in.

  The boys kept glancing at me with a wary expression. I knew they were worried, and I felt bad for keeping the baby away from them for so long. I smiled at all of them, knowing our news would erase the tension I’d caused them.

  A waiter came over and handed Kill five wrapped packages.

  “Presents,” Amy yelled, clapping her hands.

  Kill handed everyone a package, except for Lissa and Tilly. Lissa didn’t seem to mind. She never looked up from her phone. Tilly refused to look at Kill and peered over as D opened his present. Her eyes were open wide with surprise, and she pulled her phone out.

  While they were unwrapping, I shed my sweater, leaning back so my belly would be visible.

  “I don’t get it,” Jet said, confused.

  “Holy fuck,” Van cried, getting up and running toward me.

  “I’m going to be an uncle,” D whispered in a hushed tone.

  Lissa’s head shot up from her phone after D’s confession. Catcher glanced back and forth at me. He turned the shirt to me so I could see how Kill had announced our little rockstar. The shirt itself was black, but across the front in bold red lettering it said, Proud JackholeS Uncle.

  “You’re having a baby?” Amy screamed, knocking Jet out of the way so she could hug me. Before her little arms could engulf me, she changed directions and put her hands on my belly. “I’m going to be an aunt.” Her lips landed all over my belly.

  “Move over.” Jet got down on his knees so he could talk into my belly button. “Hey, baby. I’m going to be the best uncle you can have. Holy shit, we’re having a baby.” His eyes were bright when he got on his feet and kissed me on the cheek.

  Catcher pushed them out of the way and hugged me. “So are we going to name it Ulcer?”

  “We haven’t really discussed names, but that will be considered.”