Becoming Faith

by Joy Eileen

  “I honestly don’t remember. I think it was right when we moved to LA.” I tried to concentrate around my swirling thoughts, but the more I tried to focus the more jumbled everything became.

  “What about your birth control?” Kill asked.

  “I don’t think I’ve taken since LA. I forgot to pick up my prescription before we left. I never refilled it. Between your record, the book, and our tours it never crossed my mind.”

  A knock sounded on the door, and the same nurse as before entered. Another lady wheeling in a large machine followed behind her.

  “I will come in after the ultrasound so we can discuss things further.” The doctor gave me a taut smile before walking out of the room.

  “Hello, Mrs Taylor. I’m Robin. I’ll be your ultrasound technician today.”

  “Please, call me Faith,” I told her.

  Robin looked at Kill and jerked, a clear sign she recognized him. To her credit, she didn’t fan-girl out but gave him a large smile.

  “Are you the father?” she asked, fumbling with a bottle of something, catching it before it fell.

  “I am,” Kill answered.

  The reverence in his voice made my heart clench. He may have been trying to keep the hope out of his voice, but it was pushing through. Before we became a couple, I confessed my infertility. We both mourned in our own way, but it was never mentioned again. Kill accepted me with full disclosure I was defective. This just seemed like a cruel joke to play on us.

  Robin flittered around. The nurse stood next to us, adjusting sheets so my stomach was revealed. Kill’s hand protectively went over my belly, and I wasn’t sure he noticed.

  “This is going to be cold.” Robin squirted clear jelly on my bare stomach after Kill removed his hand. “Normally, we would do an internal ultrasound, but judging by your HGH levels, I’m thinking we should be able to see the baby this way.”

  My body went numb at the word baby. She slid the device around my stomach, unaware of my turmoil. When she pressed into the soft tissue, the pressure didn’t even register. I was outside my body, watching a train wreck I couldn’t stop.

  “You have a lot of scar tissue. Have you been having any pain?” Robin frowned. She moved the wand, trying to get around the scar tissue.

  Her statement was exactly what I needed. Memories of my doctor reminding me every visit nothing had changed, and I would never be able to carry a baby full term crushed me.

  “There’s your baby,” Robin said with happiness in her voice. She turned the monitor around so Kill and I could see.

  I wanted to scream at her, rip her hair out, but I told myself she had no idea the pain her words caused. She didn’t realize this tiny moment of happiness was going to haunt me forever.

  “Look,” Kill whispered. He turned on his side and ran his fingers through my hair.

  Against my better judgment, I turned to see the black screen with a tiny little peanut shaped object circled.

  “Now let’s do some measurements.” Robin moved the wand around, clicking and noting things on the screen.

  Kill and I stared at the little blip in front of us, our eyes glued to the screen.

  “That’s what I thought,” Robin murmured to herself while she continued clicking and noting.

  As she moved, I tried to force the happiness wanting to bloom to go away. The more I watched the blip on the screen the stronger it got. Tears leaked down my nose as I focused on the screen in front of us.

  “Faith, the baby’s measuring twelve weeks and three days. You went quite some time without noticing this tiny peanut.”

  My breath knocked out of me, and I struggled to bring oxygen to my lungs.

  “Is the baby healthy?” Kill’s question was the same one sitting on my tongue, but I was too scared to ask it.

  “All the measurements look perfect. In fact...” Robin pressed a couple of buttons and a weird swooshing sound filled the room. She did a couple of calculations, adding them to her notes. “The heartbeat’s perfect. You have a very strong baby.”

  Something wet hit my cheek, and I looked over to see Kill swiping at his eyes.

  “Let me clean you up, and I’ll bring the doctor back in.” Robin wiped my stomach, and pulled the sheet back over me. The nurse and Robin left with a congratulations.

  Kill and I stared at each other, our foreheads pressed together. We waited in silence for the words to come.

  “Kill, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, wanting to crawl into him and stay there, to wait until he made everything better, like only he could.

  “Don’t be sorry, Slick. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  “But my doctor. She said I couldn’t carry a baby full term.” My hand and his both went to my stomach. We linked our fingers together, pressing against it, desperately trying to keep it there.

  “Stranger things have happened.”

  Those words slapped me in the face. He was hopeful I was going to be able to keep the baby. Reality that this wasn’t something I could do kept me grounded. Kill didn’t seem to have that sense of reality. His words were enough to show his optimism.

  “Kill, I can’t. I don’t want you to hate me.”

  Kill’s lips pressed against mine, stopping me from talking. “Everything will be okay. Whatever happens.”

  We stayed like that, our lips mashed together, our foreheads touching, and our eyes locked until the doctor returned.

  “The ultrasound looks promising. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor as soon as you can. My nurse is bringing your discharge papers and you’re free to go. Good luck to you both.”

  After all the papers were signed, Kill helped me get dressed. We were silent, lost in our thoughts. Yet, we never strayed more than a couple of feet from each other, silently taking comfort.

  “I want to see Emily before we go,” I told him, taking my first stiff steps out of the room.

  “I called Catcher. They’re waiting for you.” Kill’s arm swept around my shoulder, letting me borrow some of his strength.

  My hand held my stomach as we climbed out of the elevator.

  An older woman, who looked just like Emily, sat in a chair next to the hospital bed. A look of peace blanketed her face. Catcher stood in the corner, and when he saw me, he hurried to meet us in the hallway. He wrapped me in his arms, closing the door so we could have some privacy before visiting Emily.

  “You scared the hell out of me. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I shouldn't have left you. I wasn't in my right mind and I put you in danger.” The torment was thick in his voice, making me hug him harder.

  “You’re the best bodyguard a girl could ask for. It isn’t your fault the universe decided to throw us a curveball. How’s she doing?”

  “She’s better. She’s a fighter. The X-rays showed there wasn’t as much damage as they initially thought.”

  “You staying with her for a while?”

  “No. I’m your bodyguard. I’ll go with you as long as you want me to. I totally understand if you decide to fire me.”

  I slugged him in his big beefy shoulder, rolling my eyes. Kill wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing my back flush with his stomach. It didn’t go unnoticed his hands rested on my belly.

  “Of course I’m not firing you. The only way you’re getting rid of me is if you quit. Which I totally understand, because I seem to attract drama.”

  Catcher smiled. The look of relief soothing the lines on his forehead showed how worried he was.

  “But I do need you to stay with Emily for a while. I’m taking a break from the tour, until my doctor clears me. There’s no reason for you to follow me when you’ll be more useful here. I’ll call you when I know more.”

  Kill hugged me a fraction tighter, and I tilted my head to plant a kiss on his arm.

  “Is everything okay?” Catcher asked, fear once again taking over.

  “Yes, they want to do some tests to make sure my ulcers aren’t back. That’s all. Now, let’s go talk to Emily.”

>   I hated lying to him, but I couldn’t say I was pregnant. The more I acknowledged it, the harder it would be when it wasn’t so.

  I swallowed my gasp when I entered Emily’s room. Her blond hair was a dull shade of pink, showing they’d tried to wash the blood out. Her right cheek had stitches across it, and both of her eyes were bruised. I was thankful for the blanket hiding her body. I couldn’t bear to see any more of her injuries.

  The lady beside Emily got up and hugged me. “I’m Emily’s mother, Julie. I can’t thank you enough for what you did for my daughter.”

  The urge to dry heave was strong. My hands became clammy from the praise I didn’t deserve. “I wish I had done more.” My gaze traveled to Emily’s broken body.

  “Hush. If it wasn’t for you, who knows if she would have ever found the courage to leave him. She called us and confessed she was leaving. She also told us about you and the help you offered. My family will be forever in your debt.”

  “Mom, let her go, you’re scaring her.” A weak voice came from Emily’s bed.

  Julie squeezed me tight before letting me go.

  “Hey, you.” I sat down in the chair Julie had abandoned.

  “Faith, I’m so sorry,” Emily said, tears sliding down her bruised cheek.

  “Shhh, I don’t want your apologies.” I waited for her tears to dry up. “Instead, I want you to promise me you’ll find happiness. That you won’t go back to him.”

  Emily nodded while I spoke, her eyes locked on mine to make sure I understood her agreement.

  “I want you to promise you’ll do whatever you can to make yourself happy.” I wanted to mention giving Catcher a chance, but it was too early for that conversation.

  “I promise.”

  “Good, and I expect you to come visit me when you get settled in. And if you need anything, please call me. I’ll help you with whatever I can.”

  “I don’t deserve you,” she said, her broken lips trembling.

  “No, you deserve even better. Now get some sleep. I’m going to be out of town for a while, but please call me.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  “Just remember what I said.” I kissed her on the cheek.

  Her eyes blinked, showing her exhaustion. I hugged Julie again before walking back into Kill’s open arms.

  “Keep her safe. I’ll call you later in the week to let you know what’s going on. Where’s Tilly?” I asked, realizing I hadn’t seen her.

  “She went home. She said to call her later,” Catcher answered, his eyes shooting back to Emily’s room.

  “Okay, I’ll text her. Watch over her.” Catcher kissed the top of my head and went back into the room.

  Kill put his arm over my shoulder, leading me back toward the elevators.

  “I called your doctor in Portland. You have an appointment tomorrow. Our plane leaves in a couple hours,” Kill said.

  “I would argue with you, but I’m not.”

  “Thank you. If we need to, the boys already agreed we can cancel the next shows.”

  I jerked in his arms, ready to argue.

  “I didn’t cancel them, yet. I just told them we’re on standby.”

  “Good. What did you tell them about the...?” I couldn’t get the word baby out.

  The elevator’s doors dinged open and we walked out of the hospital huddled together.

  “I told them we needed to make sure you’re healthy. That the doctor wanted you to see your primary physician, and we would tell them more when we know more. They send their love. They’re worried.”

  I kissed Kill’s cheek, climbing into his rental car.

  “I love you, Killer,” I said, sinking down in the seat.

  “Love you more.” Was the last thing I heard before I fell dark to the world.

  My hand never left my stomach.

  Chapter 18

  “I don’t understand why we’re staying in a hotel. Why aren’t we staying in our house?” I asked.

  Kill rubbed the back of his head, a sign that he was nervous, which made no sense. It was late by the time we made it to Portland. All I wanted to do was curl up in our bed until I had to face my doctor.

  “I’m having the house painted for a surprise.” He fidgeted with my fingers.

  I had a feeling he was lying, but I couldn’t figure out why.

  As soon as we were in our room, I stripped down and headed for the shower, needing to wash away everything. Kill came in behind me and held me close. The water and my exhaustion had my muscles liquid.

  Kill snapped off the water and took his time drying me off before tucking me into bed. I let him take care of me, knowing he needed to take charge of something. Especially when so much had been taken out of our hands. My legs intertwined with Kill’s. My whole body latched onto him.

  Kill’s arms were locked around me, keeping me close. The sound of our breaths the only soundtrack in the room. My hands wandered over his abdomen, tracing the grooves. I didn’t stop until I reached below his belly button. Kill’s stomach clenched when my hands encircled his thick shaft.

  “Slick, you’re tired. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  He didn’t say it, but the last of the sentence was he didn’t want to hurt the baby. The baby that shouldn’t have been there. The baby that had already hung on for twelve weeks.

  “I need you,” I said, pumping his shaft with my hand.

  Kill groaned when I climbed on top of him, kissing my way over his pecs, nipping his collarbone, and peppering his jaw with tiny kisses. We were frantic when my lips landed on his.

  Kill took over. His lips seared mine, branding me as his. I sat up, and he positioned himself at my entrance. I sank down onto him, impaling myself. We both groaned when I was fully seated.

  I stayed locked on him as we kissed, our lips bruising each other, saying the things we were too afraid to put into words. Kill’s tongue plunged into my hot mouth. I moved up and down, letting him fill me completely.

  Without a word, he flipped us over. Hovering over me, his eyes roamed all over my body before leaning down and molding his lips to mine. I wound my legs around his waist, and he set a slow, sensuous pace.

  Our kiss deepened, our tongues dueling, tasting, marking. Kill moved faster. My thighs tightened, locking him in place. I tore my mouth from his, gulping for air as an orgasm built, ready to crest with each thrust. Kill’s lips were everywhere, branding my neck, my breasts, and anywhere else he could reach. When he sucked a nipple inside his mouth, I exploded in sensation.

  Colored dots shot across my sight. A full body shudder had me swamped in pleasure. My legs wound tighter around him, keeping him in me, wanting him to stay with me forever. His movements became rapid. The look on his face showed he never wanted to leave me either.

  My clouded vision cleared just in time to watch his jaw clench. The veins in his neck stood out as he released his pleasure. I felt him pulse inside my walls, surrendering to me.

  We snuggled into the blankets. Kill kissed the top of my head, his hand possessively on my stomach.

  “I love you, Slick.”

  “I love you more, Killer.”

  We didn’t say a word, but I knew he didn’t sleep. I didn’t either. I watched the darkened wall as it slowly turned pink from the rising sun. Kill’s hand touched my back, arm, hair throughout the night, always returning to my stomach.

  “Do you want something to eat?” Kill asked when we were getting ready.

  My stomach flipped and churned at the thought of food, but when my hand brushed across my abdomen, I was reminded it wasn’t just me anymore. This tiny little thing had stayed alive for more than twelve weeks. I was going to do everything I could to give it a fighting chance.

  “I can try.”

  Kill kissed me hard on the lips, reading my mind and my decision. I drank him in, taking the love he was offering. His dimples were deep grooves on his face when he pulled away. I rubbed my tummy, terrified of the love I already felt for the baby still holding on.

&nb
sp; “Ginger tea’s my new best friend.”

  Kill laughed at my newfound buddy.

  The paper under my ass crinkled when I adjusted myself on the doctor’s table.

  “I told you it would help. Grandma B made us drink it when we weren’t feeling good. That stuff’s a miracle.”

  Kill leaned against the wall, his gaze locked on mine. His smile was still carved on his perfect face. The knock on the door broke through our bubble. It was time for a reality check.

  My doctor walked in, her eyes zeroing in on Kill. The guarded expression on her face made it clear she assumed he was the one who had caused the damage to my body.

  “I’m Doctor Dacky.” She strode up to Kill, reaching out her hand.

  “I’m Killian. Faith’s soon-to-be husband and the daddy.”

  Every single wish, every single shooting star, every penny I’d thrown in a fountain, I wanted to take back. I wanted to horde them so I could use them in this moment. Hearing Kill say he was the daddy altered my mindset. No longer was I going to roll over and let this baby leave without a fight, mourning it before it left me.

  If it wasn’t meant to be, I had no control to stop it. But I was going to take everything I could to give it the opportunity to stay.

  His gaze never strayed from Doctor Dacky’s face, allowing her to judge him. I watched their silent stare down. Doctor Dacky nodded, going to the sink to wash her hands. Kill winked, coming to stand next to me.

  Doctor Dacky turned back around and gave us both a tense smile.

  “Faith, all your blood work is perfect. I know this is something we hadn’t planned on.”

  My hand rubbed my tummy. To me Doctor Dacky had just uttered the understatement of the century. Kill placed his hand over mine, letting me know he was there.

  “Tell me what you think, please,” I pleaded, knowing she would give it to me straight. If I needed to squash the sliver of hope, she would be the one to tell me.

  Doctor Dacky gave me a true smile, one that lit up the room. I held my breath when she opened her mouth. “Faith, as you know there’s no guarantee to any of this. I have healthy women miscarry for no reason. There are also instances, like yours, where the chance of getting pregnant or staying pregnant is next to none, and they end up having healthy children.”