Jordan

by Lindsay Paige

  “Do you know the sex?” I keep my question steady.

  “A boy. Which means I’ll be gray or bald by the time he’s a teenager.”

  I genuinely laugh at comment. I know Jordan would be too with his daughter. “It just shows you’re a good mother and I’m sure your boyfriend is great too.”

  “He’s going to be the best.” She bites her lip as her smiles grow. “What about you? Do you have kids?”

  It’s the one question that seems to throw me off. On one hand, I do have a child, but she’s passed on. On the other, if I tell her I have a child who has passed, I get the horrible pity looks and the I’m sorry. But there’s something about the kindness in her eyes, and it makes me tell the truth.

  “I had a little girl. She would have been three this year, but she passed at birth.” I continue to snip at her hair. I don’t look at her in the mirror, but after a good minute, she says nothing and I look up. Sofia’s face is pale. I’ve scared her. “Oh, I’m sure your baby will be just fine,” I reassure her quickly.

  “Um…it’s not that. I mean,” she shakes her head. “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your pain.”

  And there it is. The boilerplate of all condolences. “Thank you.”

  She opens her mouth to say something else, but quickly stops.

  I need to change the subject and fast. “Do you work close by?”

  “Oh, I’m a massage therapist.”

  “How interesting.” I pipe up my tone. “Strange to say, but I don’t think I could touch sweaty bodies all day.” I shudder.

  “Actually, my job involves athletes, so they’re in fairly good shape.” She giggles, but I’m not sure I get the joke.

  When I’m done with her hair, I give it a quick style and I’m finished. “All right, what do you think?” I spin around.

  “Holy crap,” she gasps.

  “Is that a good holy crap or bad?” I’m not sure.

  “It’s good. I mean, wow. Blakey will freak when he sees this. In a good way, of course.”

  I smile and brush her off a bit more and then head to the cash register. After I give her the total, she hands me her card and then hands me a fifty-dollar bill.

  “It’s for you. I’ll be back too.”

  “Great and thank you.” I slip the cash into my pocket and then hand her the credit card slip to her for her to sign. She smiles as she gives it back and we head toward the door.

  Right before we reach it, Sofia spins around, almost knocking me off balance. “I’m Sofia Gardner.”

  “Um…I know. I made the appointment.”

  “I mean, I’m Blake Foster’s girlfriend,” she rushes out.

  “Okay.” I’m not sure where this is going.

  “Damn, I have pregnancy brain. Let me start over.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m Sofia Gardner, Blake Foster is my boyfriend; he’s the catcher for the Memphis Angels. I’m also their massage therapist.”

  My heart stops. “You were at the bar.” It dawns on me she had been in the corner.

  “Yes, and I wasn’t going to say a word, but,” she stops. “May we sit down? I’m asking for five minutes of your time.”

  I don’t know why I do, but I nod, and we sit in the lobby chairs.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything. In all honesty, I just wanted to check you out. I’m extremely nosey, and Blake is going to really yell at me when he figures out what I’ve done, but Jordan is like a brother to me.”

  I wait for her to continue.

  “The past two weeks, he’s been a wreck. He’s hiding it, but I see it. His eyes are bloodshot, he’s not sleeping, and he even yelled at Colby.”

  “Jordan?” Jordan doesn’t yell.

  Sofia nods. “Look, I’m not an expert and can’t even imagine the pain you’ve been through, but Jordan loves you. I can also tell you that no one knows about your daughter on the team.”

  “Jordan is very private.” Hardly anyone knew I was pregnant on his old team because he didn’t want a lot of the wives around me, spreading germs and whatnot.

  “He is. But I think you should hear this. He needs you. I don’t know how much longer he can go on like this before he finally blows up.”

  “He doesn’t need me.”

  Sofia scoffs. “You’re so wrong. He needs you more than anything right now. None of the team can reach him. The road games were a disaster. I’m sure you saw.”

  I did actually. I saw Jordan strike out and crack the bat in half on his knee. I saw the tiredness in his eyes and body.

  “I’m overstepping, and I know Jordan won’t be happy either, but you needed to hear it from someone.” She pats my hand before standing and heading out the door. She turns right as she opens the door. “Heidi, if anything ever happened to my baby, I would want Blake by my side. I can’t imagine even breathing without him next to me. It wouldn’t be easy, but together we’d make it.” She gives me one last smile and leaves me.

  The sobbing starts all over again.

  ***

  I GOT NO response from Heidi from my last letter. I was expecting something and I got nothing. It broke off another piece of my resolve. I’ve been trying my damnedest to keep going strong, and instead, I break down a little more every day. Honestly, I think it’s a long time coming. The stress from this entire ordeal is stretching me thin. I’m falling apart.

  My thoughts are borderline obsessive as I run over all the ways my life is going to suck without Heidi. Then, I think of all the ways her life might suck without me. I try to come up with new ways to get her to see what she refuses to see. I start thinking about how I’m going to make sure I can sneak visits to Eden without having to run into Heidi. Because I’m not going to want to run into her. I realize that I will in fact have to make a call to my parents to say that I’m divorced.

  Not going to lie that I even start wondering about the possibility of being traded away from Memphis. I’ll be away from Heidi, she can go to baseball games again, and maybe life would be bearable.

  And after I have all of those thoughts, I start beating myself up for even thinking such things. I’ve promised Heidi I wouldn’t give up, and I won’t, but damn if I can’t stop thinking about the day I may have to. If Heidi doesn’t change her mind, if I have to sign those papers, then I will have to give up. I also promised her I would do that.

  I harshly rub my hands over my face. This is exhausting. My phone rings and my heart stupidly skips a beat, hoping it’s Heidi.

  It’s not. It’s Colby.

  “Hey,” I answer. I still feel bad for blowing up at him.

  “Want to come with me to Big Blue?”

  “I really don’t feel like it.”

  “Well then, it sucks to be you right now.” Before I can ask why, my doorbell sounds. Colby grins from the other side of the threshold when I open the door. “Put some shoes on and let’s go.”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “Nope,” he smugly answers.

  Sighing, I get some shoes on my feet, grab my wallet, and follow him to his vehicle. If he’s dragging me out of the comforts of my own home, then he can drive and take me back home. The entire drive there, he keeps looking at me, as if he’s expecting me to speak. I’m not in the mood, so I don’t. Tough shit for him.

  As if the night couldn’t get worse, nearly all of the guys are crowded around two tables when we arrive.

  “Sugar Daddy!” Hector yells when he spots us. I can’t help but laugh. Colby glares and Hector slaps me on the shoulder when I get close enough to him. “Let’s get the man a beer,” he tells the waitress.

  Conversation seems to flow smoothly between everyone. Tanner is the butt of the jokes. Spencer tries to get Colby to hit on the waitress. Roman seems to like soaking in everyone’s behavior. Trent just keeps shaking his head and laughing. After my beer, I’m done drinking and ready to head home. Don’t get me wrong, hanging with the guys is fun, but I haven’t gotten much sleep lately, and I’m exhausted.

  They don’t even give me
the chance to bolt.

  “So,” Trent begins in a tone I’ve heard him use with Kaelyn. “You’ve been in a sour mood lately.”

  “We can all guess it has something to do with your wife,” Spencer adds.

  “Because your separation is the only thing you ever constantly whine about,” Tanner says with a roll of his eyes.

  “Am I having an intervention?” I interrupt as Roman opens his mouth. They all look a little guilty. You have got to be kidding me.

  “We want you to know we’re here if you need us, and if there’s anything we can do to help, just ask,” Colby tells me.

  I glare at him. “If I needed your help, I would have asked.” Like they could help me get my wife back! Colby should know better than to pull this shit. He actually knows what’s going on.

  “The point,” Roman speaks up, “is we’re here if you need us.”

  My shoulders, which I didn’t realize were tense, begin to relax. They all look concerned and sincere. “Thanks. I’ll work on my mood.”

  They, too, seem to relax. Hector claps me on the shoulder. “Now that we’ve settled that.” He turns to Colby. “How’s online dating going, Sugar Daddy?”

  Colby groans. “Any time you’re ready to leave, Jordan,” he tells me.

  I laugh. “Oh, no. You brought me here for a damn intervention, then we’re staying until they’ve drilled you.”

  He grumbles, but we don’t leave yet. Maybe the night won’t turn out so bad after all.

  A shrill ringing annoys the hell out of me. I feel like I just fell asleep and now someone is calling me to wake me up? I blindly reach out to grab it from the nightstand, the charger yanking out as I pull it to my ear after swiping to answer.

  “Yeah?” I grumble.

  There’s a small pause and then, “Were you sleeping?”

  I immediately sit up. “Heidi? Are you okay?” I glance at my clock; she should be at work. God, her voice sounds so good.

  “I’m fine. Well, actually,” her voice trails off and my body goes rigid.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing bad,” she reassures me. “I have a flat and—”

  “I always told you to call me to change it,” I finish for her.

  “I can call someone though, if you don’t want to come or if you rather sleep some more.”

  “No, I’ll come. Where are you? You have a spare and a jack, right?”

  “Spare, but no jack.”

  I laugh. “Okay, there’s one in mine.” I get out of bed, put it on speaker, and start to change while I talk to her. “I’ll let you use my car while I’ll get your tire taken care of, so you don’t get a rental again and you can go on to work. Give me two minutes to finish getting ready and I’ll be on my way.”

  “Okay.” She tells me where she is. There’s a brief moment of silence. “Thanks, Jordan.”

  “Any time,” I answer honestly.

  We hang up and I quickly brush my teeth, slip on my shoes, and grab my things to go help her. I’m easily able to find her. She’s pacing next to her car on the side furthest away from the road. Is she nervous about seeing me? Does she regret calling me?

  “There’s a nail in it,” she says when I get close enough. “I must have run it over yesterday; there were some pieces of plywood in the road and I didn’t see them in time to avoid them. I found it while I was waiting.”

  “Okay. I’ll get it fixed. Do you want to go ahead and leave for work? I can handle changing it and everything.”

  Heidi hesitates. I pop her trunk and lift the cover for her spare to give her time to think. She wants to leave; I can practically feel the urge coming off her in waves.

  “I’ll wait until you’re done,” she finally says. “You may need help.”

  I half smile to myself. We both know I won’t need help. While I start changing the tire, I decide to make conversation. “Did you get a massage yet?

  “Yes, thank you. I felt so much better afterward.”

  “Good.”

  “So, I met Sofia. She’s nice.”

  My hands freeze as I glance up at her. “What? How?”

  “She came in for an appointment.”

  Shit. I told her where Heidi worked. What was Sofia doing visiting my wife? “Sorry, Heidi. I swear, I didn’t ask her to go see you or anything. I saw her for my shoulder and she asked about my wife. I told her where you worked and described you. I didn’t know—”

  “Jordan, it’s fine.” She sounds like she means it, so I keep working. “I figured you knew already actually.” I shake my head. But then, with my mood, I doubt Blake would have mentioned what his girlfriend did, and I’m sure he knows. “How did you describe me?” Heidi asks quietly, trying not to sound curious.

  For a moment, I recall that memory. Then, I replay the words for her, “Stubborn, hardheaded, strong, caring, amazing.”

  Heidi doesn’t say anything, and I don’t offer to speak again until her spare tire is on. I toss the flat one into the back and face her. We wordlessly exchange keys.

  “Do I need to follow you to the repair shop? How are you going to get home? What are you going to drive? Don’t you have to be at practice soon?”

  I shake my head to answer them all. “We have the day off. It won’t take long for them to fix it, so I’ll wait. Once it’s done, I’ll drop it off with you.” Swallowing hard, I add, “If you want, you can leave the keys where the gas cap is, so I don’t have to bother you at work, and I can leave your keys with your receptionist.”

  “Okay, that sounds good.”

  We stand there for a moment. She seems like she wants to say something, or do something. Suddenly, she throws her arms around my neck. “Thank you,” she whispers, oddly sounding emotional.

  “It’s no big deal, Heidi.” It really isn’t.

  She pulls away with a shy smile, and then I have to fuck things up by blurting out a simple, yet loaded down question.

  “Can we have another night of normalcy?”

  ***

  I’M SITTING IN the hairdressing chair, just swinging side-to-side. When Jordan asked for a night of normalcy three days ago, I only shook my head and ran away. The problem is, I don’t know why I did it. I’m guessing I’m so used to saying no, I’ve become Pavlov’s dog.

  The salon is about to open and I’m only half listening to what the girls are saying. I have a doctor’s appointment in a little bit because I’m still very fatigued. I’ve come to realize it’s because I’m working too hard. I did enjoy the massage from Jordan. It’s been a very, very long time since I felt that relaxed. It is why I have today off. I told Skye I would open and close only because I want to do the nightly paperwork.

  I smile at the girls as I leave and head off to my doctor. I’m hoping she’ll be able to give me something to kick this nausea away.

  I sit patiently in the waiting room and look around at everyone. The place seems to be packed today. I watch a set of toddlers, around Eden’s age, playing and laughing and for the first time, there isn’t any pain in my heart from watching them.

  “Mrs. Johnson.”

  I stand as my name is called and follow the nurse into the exam room. There’s the usual blood pressure, temperature, and weight I have to go through. I sit on the exam table and wait for the doctor to come in several moments later.

  “Hi, Heidi. How are you?”

  “Okay.” I somewhat lie.

  “Looks like you’ve been having some nausea and fatigue. Anything going on personally?”

  I shake my head. “Nothing majorly different. My salon has been a lot busier and I think it’s just exhaustion.”

  “Had sex lately?”

  “Um…” I’m thrown off by the question. “About a month ago. But before you think anything, I took a home pregnancy test, and it was negative.”

  “When was your last period?”

  “I was spotty a couple weeks ago. Nothing too heavy, but I’d figured it’s the stress,” I explain.

  “Could be. Let’s run som
e tests first, and then we’ll see from there. Okay?”

  I nod, knowing she isn’t going to find anything. I’m normally very healthy. She directs me down the hall to have some blood work done; when it’s finished, I go back to the exam room I was in originally.

  Time seems to drag on, but finally the doctor comes back in, followed by a nurse with an ultrasound machine.

  “What’s this for?”

  “Heidi,” she stares at me with a tight face. “I know you’ve had a stillbirth before, but this machine is to check to see something.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re pregnant again. And I want to check on the baby.”

  My world stops. My heart. My breathing. It all stops in an instant. I can’t be having a baby. The test said negative.

  The doctor has me lie down, and I’m in such shock, I do it. The cold jelly squirts on my belly and the nurse flips the machine on, showing me the hazy black and white photo.

  I gasp as I see it. It’s not big, not much more than a peanut, but it’s there. My baby.

  “Heidi, you’re about four weeks pregnant.”

  I’m unable to cry, move, or talk. My mouth is hanging open. “Is the baby healthy?”

  “It’s really early, but yes. As of right now, this baby is healthy.”

  “What are you going to do?” Patty asks me.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You have options, you know.”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I say again and grab another tissue. Crying seems to be all I’ve done since leaving the doctor’s office.

  “You have to tell Jordan.”

  “I know.” But how and when is a whole other topic, and I don’t want to get into that now. “I’m just going to go.” I stand up.

  “Heidi, our session isn’t over.”

  “I need air.” I rush away from her, out to my car, and spin out of the parking lot down the street.

  I purchase the ticket for the Angels game, which is already four innings in. The crowd isn’t as big today since it’s a day game and on a weekday. I sit in my assigned seat and see the score. The Angels are up by three. I watch Jordan out on the field. He still looks tired, and I know it’s because of me.

  What will he say?

  What will he do when I finally tell him the truth?