Jordan

by Lindsay Paige

  I think of the late nights he was home and he’d rub my huge belly with Eden tucked inside. He would talk to her all the time. I remember one night she kept kicking me, and I couldn’t sleep, but Jordan was the one who soothed her to sleep.

  I can’t stay in the stadium. I can’t tell Jordan yet.

  The entire day, I’ve wondered the streets of Memphis. Driving up and down, going nowhere, and just wasting gas. I’m so tired, but I need to close up the salon.

  The girls are laughing when I walk in. They’re almost finished cleaning up. I put on my fake smile and ask the normal questions. They seem to be overly happy with the business pickup, and I can’t agree more with them. It’s really been great.

  “Heidi, this came for you today by messenger.” Colette hand me the large envelope.

  I open it and gasp, falling into the nearest seat.

  “What is it?” Skye asks first.

  “My divorce papers.”

  The girls are silent.

  “Heidi, can you explain to me why you want a divorce?” Skye sits in the chair next to me at her station.

  “Because I love him.” I wipe the tears and look up at her. “We had a daughter, but she died at birth, and I don’t want him to be sad.” I give them the abridged version of my life.

  “I’m sorry about your daughter, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Kassy, the usually quiet one, chimes in. We all turn our heads to her. “What? You know I’m right. Why are your torturing you both for nothing?”

  “It’s complicated. But now it’s over.” I wave the papers in the air.

  “No, it’s not. Those papers aren’t final until they’re signed and filed. Right now, it’s just a bunch of words.” Kassy comes over. “Do you love him?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you want to be with him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then you’re a fool to be sitting here right now,” Kassy states, crossing her arms. “I’d give my soul to find my true love and you have yours waiting for you.”

  “I can’t fix this.” I hold up the papers again.

  The room is quiet, and suddenly Colette squeals. “I have an idea!”

  “What?” we all ask.

  “I remember reading about a celebrity who was going through a divorce too, but neither of them wanted it. So, they locked themselves into a hotel room. No phones and no distractions for twenty-four hours. I remember hearing in an interview she said they were either going to leave the room married or divorce. It was no holds barred. They put everything out on the table. You should do that.”

  It’s as if a light bulb goes off; it’s a brilliant idea. Jordan wanted a night of normalcy, and I can lure him to a hotel for that.

  I jump from my chair and hug all three of the girls. “Lock up for me!” I yell as I race to my car again. This time, it’s because I’m going to get my husband back. Or die trying.

  I find my phone and call Jordan. He doesn’t answer. I know the game is long over. I send him a text to call me. I head home and sit by the phone. He hasn’t texted me back. An hour ticks by and then another. I rub my belly in a nervous twitch, even though there really isn’t one yet.

  We’re going to have a baby. The dread of losing another child outweighs the emotion of having a new life in me.

  After three hours, the thought that Jordan finally doesn’t want me anymore goes away when my phone dings. I jump at it.

  Jordan: I’m in SC. There’s a car here I’m shipping home. I’m leaving here late tomorrow evening.

  He’s in South Carolina. It’s perfect. I send him a message back.

  Me: Meet me at the beach house for lunch.

  I grab my purse and keys and head to him.

  I’m tired from the drive, but I’m here. My heart jumps when there’s a knock at the door. When I open it, there he stands. He’s in jeans and a t-shirt, but he looks the same as the first time I saw him.

  “Hi.” I’m suddenly shy. “Come in.”

  Jordan walks through the doorway and into the house. “What’s going on, Heidi?” His tone is harsh and his brown eyes aren’t as bright as they use to be. I’ve hurt him and it’s not what I wanted at all.

  “I’m taking a page out of a celebrity handbook.”

  “Huh?”

  “Let me explain.” I step closer to him. “I want your phone.”

  He stares at me, and I think he won’t do it. After a moment, he hands it to me.

  “You and I are going to stay here until we both either want to stay together or get a divorce.” I turn off his phone and lay everything on the counter.

  “Heidi, I want you. There’s nothing else to discuss.”

  “Jordan—”

  “Is this about not having kids? Fine, I’ll go get a vasectomy.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “Then what?” he shouts so loud, I jump. “What the fuck do you want me to do?” His eyes are cold. He grunts in frustration and sits on the edge of the couch. “Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it,” he says more calmly. “I’m spinning out of control. I don’t know what to do anymore,” Jordan sniffs.

  “Please, don’t say that,” I whisper. “I don’t want you to lose yourself. I need you to help me.”

  “Heidi, I’ll always help you. I’m in your life for the long haul.” He looks up and his brown eyes are wet with tears.

  “I want you to be,” I sigh. “I’ve messed up so much, but I thought I was helping.”

  “You’ve helped. It’s just that it’s you you’re helping.”

  “Everyone thinks it’s dumb for me to divorce you because I love you.”

  “That’s because it is dumb, Heidi. What do we need to talk about? What do I need to do to get you to come home?”

  “I’m scared. Maybe I’m not the same person I was before Eden. What if you figure out I’m not a good person? What…what if I get pregnant again and we lose another baby?”

  “What are you talking about? You are a good person. If what happened with Eden happens again, hopefully, you won’t push me away. I can handle anything as long as I have you.”

  “What if I said I was pregnant right now? What would you say?” My tone is low, and I feel my insides shaking.

  Jordan is hesitant for a moment. “I would be thrilled, you know that, but I’d wonder if you were happy about it.” He shifts in his seat and clears his throat. “Why does it matter?”

  “I did everything right with Eden’s pregnancy. I avoided all the bad foods. I did pregnancy yoga. I stayed away from smoke and as many chemicals as I could. Hell, I gave up caffeine. I did it all, Jordan, but I still wonder what I did wrong.”

  “Nothing. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes, we can do everything right, and things still don’t turn out like they should. It’s not your fault, Heidi.”

  “It’s not yours either. You shouldn’t blame yourself.” I suddenly giggle. “Patty would be proud of this breakthrough.”

  “Patty? Is that your therapist?”

  “Yes. Believe me when I say she’s Team Jordan. She’s told me from day one I shouldn’t have run away.”

  He grins. “I think I like Patty. What made you go see her to start with?”

  I take a deep breath. I’m here to be open and honest with him, and I am going to be. “I destroyed my apartment after you sent me a letter. I went crazy and broke everything in my path. I even ripped up a wedding picture. I just lost it.”

  “Oh.”

  “I hate the house,” I suddenly blurt out. “The one you’re in now. I never felt at home there. We didn’t pick it out together. We always picked our homes together. I know you did this place, but our home is for us.”

  “I had no choice but to pick it out myself. You weren’t exactly helping me, but if you don’t like it, I’ll sell it and buy us a new one. Problem solved. What else?”

  “Well, we’ll need a big yard and a garage for all your tools and cars. And…” Now here comes the big part. “And I’m not going to s
ell the salon. I love it. It has helped me so much.”

  “I wouldn’t ask you to sell it, Heidi. I know you love it. I wouldn’t try to take it away from you.”

  “Okay. I’m not saying I’m going to be perfect either. I may break down again, but I give you my word, I won’t run away again.”

  Shock comes across his face when he realizes what I said. “You…we’re…you’re coming home?”

  “That depends.”

  “On what?”

  “On how you take this.” I stare into his eyes, and I know it’s time. “I’m pregnant and it’s yours, obviously. And I miss you so much. You’re the only one who can get me, and us, through this. I’m scared. I’m so very scared.” Tears fill my eyes.

  Without a second of hesitation, he pulls me into a hug. “It’ll be fine. Promise. You’re sure? When did you find out? You’re happy about this?”

  “I found out yesterday. It’s really early still, but doctor says it looks good. I’m happy, scared, worried, and just a wreck.” I leave his arms and go over to my purse and get the ultrasound pic. “It looks like a peanut right now.” I hand him the picture.

  “A beautiful little peanut,” he whispers and holds the picture tightly. I’m not certain if he’s unsure or if he’s just emotional. “Is this why you’re coming home, Heidi? Because you’re pregnant?”

  “No. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to come home for a while. After Sofia said you were so bad off, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I just wanted to be with you again. You keep me grounded. Then this miracle happened, and I was a wreck of nerves and emotions, but all I wanted was you. When I got the divorce papers, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go through it.” There are my feelings. Right out in the open for Jordan to see all of me.

  “About time you came to your senses.” He grins.

  “I missed you. I kept hiding my true feelings, but at the end of it all, I need you. I love you, and I’ve never stopped.”

  “I love you, too.” He grabs me and kisses me, and I’m so happy to feel him against me. “We’ll find a new house, we can call your parents, you can still go to therapy, and I will be right here, doing whatever you need me to.”

  I curl up next to him and he holds me tightly. I feel so safe. “I’m sorry for everything. I never wanted to put you through so much pain. I thought it would make it all better.”

  “Let me do all the thinking from now on, okay? And there’s no need to be sorry. You’ve been forgiven. Just don’t ever leave me again.”

  “I promise.” The silence between us is nice and comfortable. “You should probably give Sofia a nice gift. She told me you snapped at your teammates, and I knew it was because of me. Jordan, you’re too nice to be mean. Her words hit me harder than anyone’s. I’m not sure why, but they did.”

  “Sofia has a way of helping people. I’ll figure something out for her.” He kisses the top of my head. “We both have things that make life extremely difficult to deal with. For me, it’s losing you. So, if you want, we can wipe the slates clean and move forward. I need you to talk to me again and not run away. We can’t do this back and forth anymore, especially with the baby.”

  “I agree. I promise to talk to you. I promise not to run away. We need to move forward and do it together. I want you by my side and no one else. Ever.”

  ***

  I’M GRINNING WHEN I walk into the locker room. Life is good. I can’t help it.

  “Did the playa get lucky? With a grin like that, you had to have,” Hector says, gaining everyone’s attention.

  Shaking my head at his stupid nickname for me, I answer, “My wife and I worked things out.”

  A flurry of congratulations and “that’s good to hear” ring out from my teammates. Colby looks a little wary though. I walk over to my locker next to his.

  “Worked things out, huh?”

  I nod. “Yeah, we’re going to start looking for a new house.”

  “Glad you’re happy, Jordan. You deserve it.”

  “Thanks.”

  I begin to change and I’m tempted to share the baby news with Colby, but I don’t. It’s too soon. Heidi wouldn’t want me to tell anyone yet either. Part of me wants to keep her pregnancy a secret until there is a crying, healthy baby in my arms. Can I keep Heidi at home 24/7 until our baby is born? It’s worth a thought, I guess.

  “Sofia’s here, right?” I ask Blake.

  He nods. “She’s not having a good morning though, so don’t upset her,” he warns.

  “I won’t,” I promise. I walk over to the entrance of her office and knock.

  “Come in,” I hear her say. She smiles and stands when I walk into the room, closing the door behind me. “Jordan, hey.” When I step forward and hug her, she breathes in surprise. “Oh.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what? Oh God, Jordan.” She makes a gagging noise. “Back up, way over there,” she orders in a tone I’ve never heard her use. I back up until I’m standing against the wall. She has a hand over her mouth as she rushes to open the other door. She steps over the threshold and begins to take deep breaths. “Sorry. Your cologne or body wash or something.” She quickly shakes her head, her face pale. “It doesn’t like me this morning.”

  I laugh. “I’m sorry.”

  The color slowly returns. “It’s okay. Glad everyone thinks it’s funny though,” she says in annoyance. “Blake has been fixing me pancakes most mornings and this morning,” her face drains of color with the memory. “The smell made me sick. He thought it was hilarious since he tells me I should eat something other than pancakes all the time. It’s like I’m all of a sudden so sensitive to certain smells, including you apparently.” She sighs as she leans against the doorframe. “Why were you thanking me?”

  “For whatever you said to my wife.” Her eyes widen. “She’s not leaving me and what you said helped. Thank you for everything. She told me I needed to give you a gift, but I don’t have a clue what to give you. So, whatever you need or want at any point, let me know and it’s done. A babysitter or a favor or whatever, it’s yours and I’m at your mercy.”

  Her eyes well with tears, and wasting no time, they spill over onto her cheeks. She’s a blubbering mess. “You don’t have to do that. I just wanted to help. I would give you another hug but,” she trails off and I laugh. “I’m glad you two worked things out. Y’all will have to come over for dinner soon.”

  Blake pokes his head into the room, his famous Grumpy expression sliding into place when he sees her tears. “What the hell did you do to her, Jordan?” he snaps, coming into the room and crossing over to her.

  “Quit being so mean, Blakey,” Sofia tells him with a sniff as he wipes her tears away. “He was telling me the good news about his wife. At least he’s making me cry and not throw up.”

  He glances at me in confusion. “She doesn’t like the smell of pancakes or my cologne.”

  Blake barks out a laugh and Sofia hits his arm. “I’m sorry. Anyway, I came for Jordan before he’s late for practice.” He seems to be waiting for me to leave, so I say my goodbye, thank Sofia again, and head out.

  I stand next to Colby as we stretch and warm up.

  “Question,” he says in a low voice.

  “Go for it.”

  “Never mind.” He shakes his head. “The last thing I need is to give someone on this team more ammo.”

  I laugh. “Problems with online dating?” I guess.

  “Something like that,” he mutters.

  He’s piqued my interest, mostly because he never volunteers information. I try to think of some general advice. “If you’ve found someone you’re interested in, just ask her out, Colby. Go for it.”

  He shrugs. “Maybe I will.”

  This is ridiculous.

  I shift my duffle bag on my shoulder, feeling a mixture of annoyance, worry, and happiness. We’re back in Memphis, I was gone yesterday for a road game, and I’ve just finished with practice. I stayed at Heidi’s place before I left, but we haven’
t said what we are doing about our living situation. And something needs to be done. If we’re truly back together, I’m not going to live in a separate place from her a moment longer.

  This feels like a test.

  I’ve been in a semi-state of disbelief, like the rug is going to come out from under me all over again or that I’m going to wake up to discover I was dreaming. How can I not feel that way? I’m getting my wife back and there’s a baby on the way. Over the moon ecstatic is the understatement of the year.

  Finally, Heidi opens the door. I really need a key. She tilts her head as she takes in my appearance. I’m in gym shorts and a t-shirt with my duffle bag.

  “Hey, Jordan,” she smiles, stepping aside to let me in. “What are you doing?”

  “We’re married, right?”

  “Um, yes?” Her confusion on where I’m going with this makes it sound like a question.

  “You hate the house, right?”

  “Yes,” she answers definitely.

  “And married couples live together, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I’m staying here until we find a new house.” I lift my duffle bag as my example.

  “Oh.” Oh? That’s it? Then she smiles and throws her arms around me. “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispers into my neck. I drop my bag and tightly hold her to me. God, I’ve missed this. When she pulls away, Heidi is wearing a grin. “I took the day off to start searching for places we might like.”

  “Let’s look at them tomorrow. I called the realtor to put the house on the market, and she’s supposed to send me what she has by morning. You still want to use my realtor, right? She’s really good.”

  Heidi nods. “That’s fine. Are you sure you want to wait?”

  I realize then that she’s really excited about this. I wanted to wait until tomorrow so I could drag her to bed, but I can’t tell her no. “You haven’t found it already, have you?”

  She laughs as she drags me into the kitchen. There are ten stacks of papers on her kitchen table to showcase ten different houses. “I just have a few potential favorites.”

  “A few?” I laugh as I take a seat.

  Heidi wants to stand next to me to point out all the houses, but I pull her into my lap to get her off her feet. Between selling and searching for a new house, getting back together, and taking in the news of a baby, my mind has been in overdrive. I’ve replayed her last pregnancy in my head countless times before now and another million since she told me the news of this one.