Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Truth was, ever since Joshua Graber had taught her to ice skate years ago, she’d never looked at another boy in a romantic way.

  “Oh, he does like you. He fancies you something awful. I know I’m right about that.” Pointing to her eyes, Margaret smiled knowingly. “While you’ve been all moony-eyed over Joshua, I’ve seen things you don’t.”

  “Such as?”

  “Roland watches you nonstop whenever you’re in his company. He always has.”

  The words were troubling. She didn’t want to like anyone else, or for anyone else to fancy her. She wanted Joshua to like her and for her to feel like they were meant to be together. She didn’t want to worry about their arguments and the chills in their relationship. She wanted a marriage with Joshua like his parents’ marriage seemed to be. She wanted a relationship that was warm and loving and easy. She yearned for a home that was a shelter from the world.

  She wanted a relationship with her husband that was the complete opposite of how her parents talked to each other.

  But she would never tell anyone that.

  “Good night, Margaret,” she said, her voice a little more sharp than usual. “Don’t forget to say your prayers.”

  “I always say them, sister,” Margaret said over her shoulder as she exited the room.

  When she was alone again, Gretta pondered Margaret’s words. Had the Lord sent her sister in with that piece of news about Roland for a reason? Was He intending for her to spend some time thinking about other beaus?

  If that was the case, what was she going to do about Joshua? And her parents? They always talked about what a gut daughter she was because she’d never caused them trouble.

  She’d never experimented with English ways like others did during their rumspringa. She’d already been baptized…she’d been eager to join the church.

  She’d been eager to marry Joshua and start her life with him.

  But now things seemed so jumbled that she fretted she was about to disappoint a great many people.

  And maybe even God himself.

  Chapter 4

  Being homeschooled was boring. It was also really hard, if no matter how hard you tried, you still couldn’t do Algebra II. Frustrated, Lilly called out, “Mom, I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this algebraic equation.”

  Her mom looked up from the mail she was sorting. “Don’t ask me. I stopped being able to help you after sixth grade.”

  “But I need to get it done. I’m so far behind.”

  “Charlie will help you when he gets home from work.”

  “But he’s not going to want to help. You know he won’t.” Tentatively, she said, “Maybe I should just go to the local high school.”

  “In your condition? I don’t think so.”

  “I’m pregnant, Mom. I don’t have the flu. It’s not catching.”

  Her mother’s expression tightened. “Don’t joke about this. Believe me, dear, you don’t want to be the focus of all that gossip.”

  Lilly had started thinking that even facing gossip would be better than spending every single day alone. “Joking about it is pretty much all I can do. Everyone in this house likes to pretend I’m not pregnant.”

  “We just don’t want to dwell on something that can’t be changed.” Pushing the pile of magazines and bills aside, her mother turned to face her directly. “That reminds me, have you been looking at the notebook the adoption agency brought over?”

  “No.” Lilly hated that notebook. It was filled with sweet letters to both her and her baby, telling all about how much every family wanted a baby. How much they wanted her baby.

  How they wanted her to choose them. To get to know them. Let them take her out for coffee or ice cream. To see the nursery they already had decorated.

  All of it gave her the willies.

  “Ms. Vonn from the adoption agency will be by at the end of the week. She’s a busy lady and is going to expect some answers. You really ought to narrow the choices.”

  “I know.”

  After leveling a slow look her way, her mom nodded. “Good. I’m glad you know that.”

  Lilly stared at her math book again. Even looking at that was better than meeting her mother’s demanding gaze.

  Her mom stood up and carried the mail to a basket. As always, everything had a place in the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder. “After, uh, everything…we’ll be able to start picking out a college for you. Just like we did for Charlie. Then, next thing you know, you’ll be thinking about college classes and maybe even a dorm and roommates. Everything’s going to be terrific then.”

  Because then her parents will have been able to forget that she’d ever been pregnant at all.

  And though she’d regretted saying yes to Alec instead of saving herself for marriage, she had come to terms with the baby growing inside of her. She’d already started to love it. “Mom, what if maybe I don’t want to give the baby up?”

  “That’s not even open for discussion.” In three short steps, her mother pulled on yellow gloves and took hold of a frying pan that had been soaking. “We already decided you would,” she said over the scrubbing.

  “Maybe I changed my mind.” When her mother paused in mid-scrub, Lilly tilted her head up. “Maybe I don’t want to hand my baby over to strangers.”

  The pan clattered in the sink. “Don’t be ridiculous. Those people won’t be strangers if you ever got to know them. Plus, you’ll get to see that baby whenever you want with this open adoption you asked for.”

  “I know, but—”

  “Lilly, why are you even thinking about such things? Everything’s already been decided. Alec was fine with that.”

  “Alec is a jerk. Of course he’s not ready to be a parent. But, Momma, maybe I am.”

  For a moment, her mother’s eyes softened. It was so rare that Lilly ever called her momma anymore. But then her expression hardened. “That’s childish thinking.” In a series of hasty movements, her mother turned off the faucet and yanked off both yellow rubber gloves. “You’re eighteen, Lilly. Only eighteen. You’re definitely not ready to raise a child. Being a parent involves more than simply giving birth, you know.”

  “I know. But maybe I am ready to be a mom.” Her stomach fluttered. Feeling the movement, Lilly pressed her hands over her stomach. Maybe it was the baby. Maybe it was just nerves. But no matter what, Lilly couldn’t deny that it was her body that was going through all the changes. Her body, not her mother’s.

  She was the one who had gotten pregnant.

  “Think of the consequences, Lilly,” her mother said, coming to sit by her side. “I love you dearly, and I want you to be happy. I want you to do all the things you’ve planned. Think how much your life would change if you had a child.”

  “My life’s already changed,” she retorted, amazed that her mother could be so blind. “I’ve lost my boyfriend. I’ve moved away from all my best friends…and, oh, yeah. My family treats me like I’m a slut.”

  “Lillian Rose! Don’t talk like that.”

  “Why, Mom? It’s true. Everyone in this house wants this baby to go away. You all either constantly remind me of ‘my mistake’…or you talk about how good life is going to be once ‘this episode is over with.’ Well, maybe I don’t want it to be over.”

  “You don’t have a choice. We already spent hours talking about this.”

  “But—”

  “That’s enough.” Reaching out, her mother clasped both of her hands. “Now, this is what we’re going to do. First, we’re not going to mention any of these crazy ideas to your father. He’s got enough to worry about, with his new job at the phone company. Next, you are going to work on your algebra homework and then you’re going to pick out three couples who you’d like to interview.”

  “But—”

  “There’s no discussion, Lillian. We’re out of choices. We’re out of options.” Softening her voice, she gently squeezed her shoulders. “I promise, this is for the best. Every baby deserve
s to grow up in a house full of love. By two parents who will love him or her. Don’t be so selfish.”

  Lilly’s mother walked out of the kitchen, leaving Lilly staring at the open math book, with a burning sensation in the pit of her stomach.

  Was she being selfish? Did she really want this baby, now? This baby that she’d never intended to have in the first place?

  As the adoption notebook stared right back at her, Lilly knew she’d never felt more miserable in her entire life. Or more alone.

  Even in the coldest days of winter, there was no escaping the chores that had to be done. After breaking the thin layer of ice covering the top of the horses’ troughs, Joshua filled each with fresh water and oats.

  Next came the cleaning of the stalls, which Anson should’ve been helping him do, if he hadn’t been foolish enough to break his arm. And, as usual, Caleb was no where to be found, either.

  Joshua wrapped the thick navy scarf Gretta had knitted for him for Christmas a bit more securely around his neck. Back when he’d received the scarf, he’d been sure no one could make him happier.

  Now things seemed different. But was it all because of the English family next door? Because of Lilly? Could one girl really change his way of thinking so drastically?

  That was a sad thing if it was true.

  Feeling more disgruntled than ever, he grimly began raking away the soiled hay in Jim’s stall. At first his muscles burned in protest. Now that it was twilight, the barn had turned colder. Each swipe felt heavy and awkward. But soon he was moving well, like he always did.

  He’d just spread fresh hay on the floor of the last stall when Caleb finally showed up. Unable to hide his irritation, Joshua glared. “Bruder, where have you been? I’ve been doing all of this by myself. I coulda used your help, you know.”

  Caleb didn’t look the least bit apologetic. “I was over at the Allens.”

  Joshua was stunned. “Doing what?”

  “Retrieving Anson, that’s what.” Crossing his mittened arms across his chest, Caleb slouched against one of the stalls like he had nothing to do but stand and chat. “Anson wandered over there this afternoon and was taking his time coming back. Mamm got worried.”

  “I hadn’t realized Anson knew them.”

  “Anson knows everyone, you know that. He wandered over there to meet their youngest, Ty.”

  “And how did they get along?”

  “About how you’d expect. They’re nine and ten, after all.”

  Joshua didn’t know why he was surprised. The younger a person was, the less it seemed differences mattered.

  However, there was a time not so long ago when he could never imagine any Amish kinner spending a moment at an Englischer’s house. But now that both the Amish and the English worked so much together in the Sugarcreek community, the lines between their worlds were not near so finely drawn. Though the Graber family was firmly planted in the Amish way of life, their father, Frank, had often said he was smart enough to realize that no good would come from ignoring everyone else. Especially since he owned one of the busiest stores in the town.

  Still not eager to abandon his annoyance for having to do most of the chores by himself, Joshua said, “And how are things at the Allens? Did you even get a chance to speak to them, or did you simply claim Anson and leave?”

  “They are good.” With a secret smile, he motioned behind him. “Lilly followed us back, by the way.”

  Joshua dropped the rake as Lilly stepped through the open doorway and into view. Her wide, dark brown eyes and flushed cheeks signaled that she’d heard every complaining word that he’d uttered.

  “Hi,” she said with a tiny smile. “I’m sorry to ruin your evening.”

  “I…uh…you didn’t.”

  “Are you sure? You sound busy.”

  Oh, he could wring Caleb’s neck for embarrassing him like this! To Lilly, he gentled his voice. “Come in from the cold,” he said, then found himself blushing. It surely wasn’t much warmer in the barn than outside. And it smelled ripe of cow manure, too. “That is, if you don’t mind the animals.”

  “I don’t.” Holding a pan in between her two hands, she said, “I brought over a cake, warm from the oven. Since Caleb had to make sure Anson didn’t slip on any icy patches of snow or ice, I volunteered to carry it.”

  “That was mighty kind of you.” Joshua felt his blush deepen. Oh, he had no skills in social talk like this. Nor was he used to feeling so self-conscious. With Gretta, he’d always felt secure and in charge.

  This girl, on the other hand, did strange things to his pulse and his tongue. He felt completely tongue-tied at the moment.

  Well, at least he could get rid of his pesky brother. “Caleb, komm. Take the cake and bring it inside to Mamm.”

  For once, Caleb didn’t argue. Instead, he went to Lilly as Joshua asked, then took the warm pan to their house, pot holders and all.

  As he darted off, Lilly stepped into the barn’s shelter a bit more. Rubbing her arms briskly, she shivered. “It does feel better in here. The wind is awful today. Even my coat doesn’t seem to do much good.”

  Her white coat fit her closely and ended just short of her hips. He wondered if she’d been thinking of warmth when she’d purchased it. “Jah. I mean, yes. Yes, the wind is fierce.”

  She smiled before turning away. Luckily, she had enough sense to step over a pile of soiled hay instead of walking right through it. “Can I see your horses?”

  “Sure. They’re right there.”

  “No, I mean, can I go up to them? Is it okay?”

  “It’s fine,” he murmured from where he stood, choosing to keep his distance for a moment.

  But that didn’t stop him from watching her every move. With great interest he watched her smile at the horses, look in an empty stall, and wrinkle her nose at the smell. Finally, she stopped in front of Jim, their main workhorse. Jim was ten years old and a good horse. Easy of temperament and a good worker. His ears pricked up a bit when Lilly approached.

  Joshua was just about to warn Lilly to have a care—to not do anything too fast or jerky around Jim, when she slowly pulled off her glove and placed her bare hand under the horse’s nose. When Jim moved his head a bit, as if he were nodding permission, she smiled and tentatively patted his nose.

  “I may not look like it, but I’ve been around horses a time or two,” Lilly said with a smile. “My mom let me have horseback riding lessons when I was ten. Those didn’t last long, but I still love horses.”

  “I…I like horses, too,” he murmured, then closed his eyes as he heard his voice stumble and squeak. There was something about her that made him nervous, he couldn’t deny that.

  Joshua noticed that Jim looked to be plenty in love himself. The silly horse edged closed to the stall’s door and craned his head so she could scratch his neck.

  Lilly complied with a laugh.

  Joshua simply stared, spellbound. Lilly’s easy cheerfulness was so sweet, so fresh, he felt renewed in her presence. Almost like the Lord had dropped an angel in his barn to take away his cares and worries.

  When she looked his way again, he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry you heard me grumble so much. I’ve been having to do both my brothers’ work—Caleb’s and Anson’s. Sometimes I resent it.”

  “I know all about doing siblings’ chores. Ty tries to get out of anything and everything.” Still scratching Jim, she said, “What chores need to be done in here?”

  “Tending to Jim, of course.”

  She looked around. “Jim?”

  “That there is him.”

  When she still looked confused, his mouth went dry as he fumbled for the right words. For any right word. “Jim is the horse.”

  “Ah.” Her hand paused. “Do you mind me petting him?”

  “Not at all. He likes the attention, don’tcha think?” Jim looked as if he’d invite her right into his stall if he had the words.

  She smiled. “I do.” As the sun continued to fall outside, the light in t
he barn dimmed, making the conversation seem even more intimate. Lilly, in her jeans, green sweater, and form-fitting white jacket seemed to shine the brightest.

  Not that he should be thinking about her in any way at all.

  Searching for something to say, Joshua said, “I better warn you, if Anson enjoyed being at your house this afternoon, he’ll be back again.”

  “Ty was glad to see him. He still hasn’t made too many new friends at school.”

  “Well, Anson has yet to meet a stranger.”

  She chuckled. “We got that idea. He’s really friendly.”

  “It’s his way.” Yes, it had always been Anson’s way to be open and carefree. Perhaps because of his experiences at the store, or simply because of who the Lord had made him to be—he’d never had the natural reticence that had always plagued Josh.

  When he spied Lilly looking at him thoughtfully, he knew he had to at least try to make more of an effort to befriend her. She was, after all, standing in his barn. “Um…what about you?”

  “What about me what?”

  “Have you been happy in Sugarcreek?”

  To Joshua’s surprise, a bit of her happiness seemed to float away. “I…I suppose.”

  Feeling embarrassed for asking such a personal question, Joshua simply nodded.

  She took his silence as an invitation to explain herself. “We’re still getting used to things here, you know. It’s not just being around the Amish. It’s living in a small town, too. It’s a pretty big change.”

  Caleb returned just then with a big smile and Lilly’s two pot holders. “My mother says danke, and if you’d like, you may come in and taste your cake.”

  Lilly laughed. “Now, wouldn’t that just be the rudest thing? I don’t expect to eat the treat I brought for your family.” Wrapping her scarf back around her neck, she pulled her coat tighter around her chest. “I better get going anyway.” With a little wave, she said goodbye then nimbly hopped over a pile of hay that had fallen.

  Joshua hardly moved as he watched her dart out the barn door, then scamper over their field to the gap in between their two hedges. She moved so easily, she looked like a deer in spring. Free and easy.