Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  By his side, Caleb watched her go. “She sure is a different sort a girl, don’tcha think?”

  “Jah.”

  When Joshua didn’t say any more, Caleb cleared his throat. “Sorry I was so late gettin’ here. My time ran away from me.”

  “It’s all right.”

  “It is? Oh.” With a wary expression, Caleb bent down and picked up the rake. “It was nice over there. When I arrived, Mr. Allen was reading the paper and Mrs. Allen was making chicken and frosting that cake.”

  “Sounds like our home.”

  “It was like our home. Well, more or less. ’Course, they had every light on in that kitchen. And Mrs. Allen’s chicken was stuffed in something Ty called a slow cooker.” As he scooped up the soiled hay and put it in the ready wheelbarrow, Caleb chuckled. “I don’t know how slow it was, though, you know?”

  Caleb’s prattling drew Joshua back to the present. “Maybe slow for the English.”

  “Maybe. Anyways, I tell ya, Anson in his plain clothes surely looked like a sore thumb sittin’ next to Ty. That boy had a red and blue sweatshirt on with cartoons all over it. It was something to see.”

  “Anson said he liked it there?”

  “Of course. He likes most everyone, you know.” After cheerfully tossing a thatch of hay in the barrow and scooping up another rake full, Caleb chuckled as he picked up the wheelbarrow and directed it out the door. “We might end up being friends with our new neighbors after all. Who knows, maybe this time it will be the folks in that house who cross the hedge to attend a wedding.”

  His wedding with Gretta. “Maybe. Maybe so.”

  After putting the rake away, Joshua picked up a curry comb and began to brush Jim, thick and matted with a winter coat. As Jim nickered and tossed his head, Joshua couldn’t help but smile. The horse didn’t look too charmed by his touch.

  “I don’t blame ya, boy,” Joshua murmured. He, too, thought the barn seemed a fair shade darker now that the neighbor girl had left.

  Chapter 5

  She and Joshua had skated together dozens of times, and each one had been fun—but Gretta felt sure that no time would ever be as special as their very first. Oh, but that first outing on the ice had been wonderbaar! So memorable.

  If she closed her eyes, she could still recall the crisp smell of the pines nearby. The feel of the cold wind on her cheeks. The sense that something in her life was about to change, that for the first time, she’d made an important step toward adulthood.

  Nothing since had been as special as that moment.

  She and Joshua had been thirteen and fourteen and had competed in spelling bees and arithmetic drills for years. She’d taken to helping him with his cursive. He’d helped her with her reading English. Then one winter day their teacher, Miss Millersburg, announced that they would be stopping school an hour early so they could all go skating in the pond just over the grassy hill from their whitewashed schoolhouse.

  Everyone had cheered except for Gretta. She knew how to skate, but not very well. Her mother had always found other things for her and Margaret to do at home instead of playing on the ice.

  Little Margaret always found ways to sneak out of her obligations and do what she wanted, but Gretta never had. She’d known her mother’s hesitance stemmed from Beth’s death. Every snowfall and ice storm would create a look of fear on her mother’s face and strict admonitions to take care in the cold.

  So while everyone scampered to the small storage building near the pond, haggled over the assortment of skates—or pulled out their own—Gretta held back. She’d not been eager to slip and fall in front of everyone else.

  But then Joshua had appeared by her side as she’d trudged up the hill, each foot feeling heavy and uncomfortable in her mother’s thick boots. “You happy to be skating, Gretta?”

  “Not so much. I don’t know how to skate well,” she’d confided.

  Instead of teasing her, he’d taken her comment seriously. “That’s all right. I’ll help you get better. Stay with me and I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”

  He’d been true to his word. While everyone else was racing across the shiny glassy surface, he’d stayed by her side and gently coaxed her to keep her balance. When others played tag, he’d taught her to glide instead of choppily pushing one foot in front of the other. When the other boys got out sticks and a puck and asked him to join them in a quick game of hockey, he’d shaken his head and refused. “I’m skatin’ with Gretta today,” Joshua had stated each time.

  By the time Gretta had unlaced her skates and set them back in the cold storage area, she’d had a terrible crush on Joshua Graber.

  Until recently, those feelings hadn’t dimmed much over the years. Joshua was handsome and well liked. His family was a good one, too. They’d always treated her like part of the family.

  Actually, they treated her like she was Joshua’s intended.

  Everyone in their circle of friends, especially the other girls, thought Gretta was right lucky, indeed. Joshua was a nice person, and had a promising future, working in his family’s wonderful-gut general store. Their future was bright.

  Had been bright. Now it felt a bit cloudy and dark.

  Today, as they slowly glided along the perimeter of the snowy pond they knew so well, with only a few other skaters for company, Gretta began to wonder if maybe things between them weren’t settled at all. Once again, Joshua kept turning away from her, like he was distracted.

  And as for herself, well, she wondered if maybe her mind was gone running too much, too.

  So far, every topic of conversation had been met with one-word answers or worse—had been ignored. Feeling determined, she made up her mind to capture his attention again. Perhaps the best course would be to bring up the past?

  “Joshua, remember the first time we skated here together?”

  “I do.” Finally, taking a moment, he looked at her directly. “Miss Millersburg let school out early.”

  “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t helped me so much that day.” Hoping to surprise a smile from him, she gently prodded. “I was so grateful.”

  “It was a fun day.”

  Though she didn’t need any help now, she reached for his strong arm and clasped it. Just to feel like she had a hold on him. “You know what? I’ve always wondered why you helped me that day. All the other boys were playing hockey.”

  “Someone had to help ya,” he said, finally looking at her the way he used to—with fondness and a gentle gleam in his eyes. “Plus Miss Millersburg had asked if I’d stay by your side. I couldn’t verra well say no, now could I?”

  She felt as if the bottom was falling out of her stomach. “You didn’t ask me on your own?”

  All this time she’d only imagined he’d sought her out?

  Joshua’s face froze as if he was realizing that he’d just relayed a secret she should have never known. “I would have wanted to ask you, though. I was afraid you’d say no.”

  “Oh. Well, um, do you still like skating with me?”

  “I do. I mean, I would if we’d ever start moving our feet again. Let’s get started, okay? It’s mighty cold just standing here like statues.”

  “All right.” Dropping his arm, she concentrated on gliding one foot in front of the other, but all the joy she used to feel was rapidly diminishing.

  Something was missing from Joshua’s expression. From the way he spoke to her. Why, it was like he was looking at her with one eye, but imagining someone else with the other.

  She smiled gamely at a few school children who skated nearby, the brims of girls’ black bonnets gently swaying with their movements. She remembered being that age…It had been a time of tumultuous emotions. She’d been eager to make friends and flirt, and yet there had always been a dark cloud over her spirits. Every year that passed brought with it a realization that Beth had never reached that age. As she heard a shout, she was bolted back to the present. Something with Joshua wasn’t quite right. Though her stomach was i
n knots, she said, “Are you still thinking about our fight the other day?”

  “What fight?”

  “The argument we had in the buggy, of course. When you got mad at me for talking to Miriam about girlish things.”

  Joshua stared at her for a moment in confusion before understanding dawned. “Gretta, that was no fight. I was just grumpy, that was all. I don’t like everyone knowing my business.”

  “Oh. Well, we were just so quiet afterward.”

  He looked uncomfortable. “I’ve…I’ve noticed things between us haven’t been the same, too. But I’m not mad anymore.”

  “I was worried you still might be.”

  “That was weeks ago. Surely you don’t think I’d still be worryin’ about it. I can’t imagine why you’d think that. I’m sorry you thought I was still mad.”

  An hour later, after they’d unlaced their skates and settled into the buggy, she attempted to be merry. “I, for one, will be glad to go to the restaurant and enjoy something warm to drink. Mrs. Kent makes the best hot cocoa.”

  Joshua said nothing.

  She tried again. “We’re about the same distance from the Sugarcreek Inn as from my place. Do you not want to go to the inn like we’d planned? If not, you could come over and we could just sit in the kitchen by ourselves. Would you like that better?”

  Joshua looked into the distance and shook his head. He finally spoke. “I don’t have time for hot cocoa today. It’d be best if I simply took you home.”

  “Oh. Well, all right.” But it wasn’t all right. They’d always had hot chocolate after skating. Used to be, Joshua had been reluctant to leave her side.

  Still hardly looking at her, Joshua jiggled the reins. Jim pulled forward, the horse’s breath causing little puffs of vapor to appear. “Maybe I’m getting tired of everything we always do,” he said in spurts, like each word was getting pulled hard from his insides. “Maybe I’m wantin’ to do something different.”

  Even with one of his mother’s lovely ’round-the-world quilts tucked securely around her legs, Gretta felt ice cold. Each word was unwelcome and freezing her to the core. “Different, how?”

  “I can’t rightly say.”

  “Well, that makes no sense,” she said practically. “You must have an idea, otherwise you wouldn’t say such a thing.”

  “Never mind. I’m going to just take you home,” he said again.

  “And not come inside at all?”

  “Not today.”

  “I see.” But she didn’t. She didn’t see at all. Neither of them spoke as Jim brought them down a windy road, inside a covered bridge, and finally pulled down her lane. As they approached her home, Gretta noticed that only one light was burning. Her parents must not have expected them to come back; otherwise they usually set a cozy fire for her and Joshua in the family room.

  Knowing that as soon as the buggy stopped on their driveway, her parents would be looking for her to come right inside, Gretta decided to speak. Something was going on, she couldn’t read his mind, and at the moment she was tired of trying. “Joshua, what is it? What is wrong? And don’t say nothin’ because I know something is. You’ve usually had lots of things to say to me. Lately you’ve been as quiet as a winter hare.”

  “It has to do with the Allens,” he said finally.

  Gretta struggled to place them. Then, recalling the new English family who’d moved next door to them, she said, “Your new neighbors? What about them?”

  “They have a daughter.”

  “Yes?” Surely their little girl wasn’t being a pest? “What is wrong with that?”

  “Nothing. It’s just that.” He sighed. “It’s like this, Gretta. Lilly and I have struck a friendship.”

  “Lilly?”

  “Yes. That’s the daughter’s name.”

  A sense of foreboding filled her. “How old is she?”

  “I don’t know. Seventeen? Eighteen? Our age. A little younger, maybe.”

  Our age? He was phrasing it like this Lilly was part of their group. But she wasn’t. She could never be. “I don’t understand why you are even thinking about her.”

  “To be honest, I don’t know why either, except that I am. Lilly has made me think twice about the way things are with me. With us.”

  “How so? I don’t understand how an Englischer has anything to do with you, or with us.”

  “You need to try. Seeing her has made me think about things.”

  “But why? This Lilly might be really nice, but she doesn’t have all that much to do with us, and with our community, does she? She’ll never be a person that we’ll be close to.”

  He looked hurt by her words. “She might. Just because she’s English doesn’t mean we can’t befriend her.”

  Now he was talking nonsense. Joshua Graber was a kind man, that was true. He also made friends easily, and had no problem selling to the English in their country store. But never before had he ever talked of being interested in their day-to-day business.

  He’d never even mentioned his old neighbors the Wilsons in that way, and his family had always enjoyed their company very much.

  “Joshua, I’m trying to understand—I am. But I’m afraid I do not.”

  “I realize that,” he said heavily, just as he halted Jim and pulled up the buggy’s brake. “But getting to know her has got me thinking. About things in my life.”

  “Are you trying to tell me that you fancy her? In a courting way?” Even as she asked the words, every part of her insides were screaming. His pronouncement felt unfair to her. She was the one who’d always been around. Who had been waiting for the years to go by. Who was willing to do almost anything for him. Surely no Englischer could step in so easily and take that away?

  Everyone knew she and Joshua were courting. Everyone was planning on them to be married within the next year or two. And though at times she, too, had had her doubts, she’d assumed the same things.

  His expression looking far-off, he shrugged. “I don’t know if I like her or not. But I do have to say that I’ve been thinking about her something fierce. Probably more than I should.”

  Those were not the words she’d been hoping to hear. Had ever expected to hear. “I don’t know what to think.”

  “Maybe I should explain things…”

  “I think not.” She had no desire to hear him speak of another girl. To hear him admit that his heart had strayed.

  “Joshua, I don’t think we should discuss Lilly.” She frowned. The unfamiliar name sounded choppy coming from her lips. Not smooth and flowing like when he said the girl’s name.

  He looked down. “All right. But Gretta, I have to tell ya something. Meeting Lilly has me worrying about us. About our future.”

  The things he was saying should have been breaking her heart. After all, she’d spent many a night dreaming about a life with him. Her parents had even let her spend some of the money she earned at the restaurant to buy things for her hope chest.

  But now things were different. Now she recalled too well how distant he’d felt just sitting right next to her. She’d sensed that they’d been growing and changing and maybe wanted different things.

  More than anything, she wanted a peaceful marriage. One without surprises, but with warmth and humor. Perhaps Joshua couldn’t give her those things after all.

  “See, what I’m trying to say is…if I can be thinking about Lilly…about an English girl. So quickly, so easily…maybe I’m not as ready for a serious relationship as I’d thought.”

  “I understand.” Gretta quietly opened her door, stepped down, and stood, hardly noticing that snow had started to fall while they’d been riding home from the skating pond.

  He blinked. “Do you? Because I surely don’t know what’s going on. All I know is that in the pit of my stomach things aren’t like they used to be.”

  This was it. She could pretend ignorance, or give him honesty. “Sometimes I…I feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder if the Lord placed us together because He wants us toge
ther, as a married couple…or just to be friends.”

  “You’ve felt that way too sometimes? Really, Gretta?”

  “Really.” In spite of what she’d just said, Gretta wished he didn’t sound quite so pleased. “I suppose we’ll have to pray on this some.”

  “Yes. We should both do some praying. But for now, I think we need to stop our buggy rides and skating times together. At least for now.”

  She couldn’t help but notice that he was more attentive now that she was not so moony over him. “I agree,” she said simply. It wasn’t an easy thing to say, though. To say or to feel. For so long, Joshua Graber had been her dream for a bright future. But now, well, perhaps he was destined to merely be just a part of her past.

  Searching her face, he replied slowly, “I’m glad you are being so understanding. It will all be for the best.”

  “I’m sure it will be.” She turned then and walked away. Ran from any reply he might have, or before she lost her nerve.

  Before she had to realize that she’d lost him.

  As soon as the door closed, she leaned against it and breathed deep. Lord Jesus, she prayed. Why is this happening? Why did you bring that Lilly into our community? Why did you make Joshua’s attention stray?

  Help me. Help me know what to do, guide me, help me erase my fears.

  Because at the moment, I feel so alone.

  “Gretta, are you coming in?”

  “Jah, Mamm,” Gretta said, swiping her eyes. “I’m coming in right now.”

  “Is Joshua with you?”

  “He is not. He, uh, he had other things to do today.” Uneager to face her parents’ questions, Gretta pulled off her cloak, hung it on the hook by the door, and stomped her feet good. “I’m going down to the basement to work on the laundry. I imagine the clothes on the lines are dry by now.”

  “Danke, Gretta. You’ll make Joshua a fine wife one day.”

  “Yes, Mamm.” Gretta gripped the rail tight as she headed down the stairs. What would her parents say if she told them what had just happened?

  That everything they’d been counting on for her might not be, after all? She knew they’d be disappointed in her, and wonder how she could be so foolish.