Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Lilly paused, eyeing the animal’s beauty. Her eyes were black, and her fur was heavy and slightly shaggy, showing she’d grown a thick winter coat. Bit by bit, the deer raised her head and stared back at her but didn’t budge.

  Lilly stood as still as she was able, transfixed.

  “Ach, but she’s a fair sight, ain’t she?”

  With a start, Lilly spun around just as the deer darted off with a flick of her tail. “Josh.”

  “That’s me.” His lips curved up for a moment. “So, what are you doing out here?”

  “Nothing. I was just out for a walk. What about you?”

  He pointed to the west. “I was over at a neighbor’s. Mrs. Slabaugh is a widow and every so often Caleb and I go over and chop wood for her. That’s what I was doing this morning.”

  “And now you’re on your way home.”

  “I am. It’s quicker to return this way than to take a buggy.”

  “It’s nice that you chop the wood for that lady.”

  He shrugged. “She needs the help, plus her daughter is the schoolteacher. We figure it’s the least we can do since she has to put up with Anson all day,” he added with a teasing smile. “Since I’m walking, too, would you care for some company?”

  Unlike her father’s offer, his interested her.

  Why was that? Curiously, she eyed him. He was so different from Alec. Different from Charlie, too. Than any boy she’d ever met before. More polite. Less full of rowdiness and pride. But maybe she didn’t know him well at all. Maybe on the inside, he was the same as any of them. Of course, it didn’t really matter.

  And, perhaps, she was different than she used to be. “Sure.”

  “I’ll walk you to the river. Have you been yet?”

  “No. But I’m game if you are.”

  “Game?”

  “You know, willing?”

  “Oh. Yes, I am willing. I’m game.” He looked at her shoes a bit doubtfully. “Will you be able to walk on the trails in those boots? They don’t look like they’d stand up to a harsh wind.”

  Lilly couldn’t help but be amused. What other boys asked about shoes? Holding up one of her feet she said, “Definitely. They’re Sorels.”

  The look he gave her was priceless, and no less than she deserved. Obviously her sales pitch on the expensive shoes was wasted on him. “Never mind. I’ll be fine. These kicks are sturdier than they look.”

  “Kicks?” That surprised a chuckle from him. “Ach. Maybe so. And, maybe you are sturdier than you look, as well.”

  “Maybe I am. Boy, that would make me so happy.”

  Joshua smiled then started off with little fanfare. Lilly jogged a bit to keep up with him, then easily found she could match her stride to his. With each step, the Grabers’ house faded into the distance and brought her closer to another thicket of woods.

  He wasn’t one to talk much, which was fine with her. Lilly let her mind drift. For once, instead of focusing only on herself and her problems, she found herself noticing the beautiful surroundings. Just feeling peaceful for a change.

  They continued. Soon, they reached a small valley. The natural lay of the land served to shield them from a bit of the wind, enabling the sun to shine down upon them and take the edge off of the chill. Their quick pace helped tremendously, too. A fine sheen of sweat formed on her brow.

  As they walked along, Joshua pointed out a beaver eagerly chewing what was left of a log. “He’s a hungry fella, that beaver is. Don’tcha think?”

  Lilly slowed as she watched the animal chewing furiously on a tree trunk that had to be as big as her calf. Its dark brown coat looked almost like shiny tar, it was so glossy in the sunlight. “I’ve never seen a beaver before. I mean, not in the wild like this.” She paused to think. “Maybe one was in a nature museum.”

  “Beavers, now they’re a rascally bunch. Usually we think of them as a nuisance. But I’ve often enjoyed their antics. Always busy, you know.”

  “Busy is how I would describe you,” Lilly commented. “From what I can tell, everyone in your family works hard.”

  “We’ve seven children. I’m the oldest. Next comes Judith, then Caleb. Anson, Carrie, Maggie, and finally Toby. He’s three. In addition, we’ve got two pigs, chickens, a milk cow, and two horses. In the spring, my mamm plants a garden big enough to provide for us most all the year. With all of that, we can’t help but be busy. Mamm wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  The amount of work made her feel lazy. Here it was just a little after ten and Joshua had already chopped firewood. “And you’ve got your store.”

  “Jah. We’ve many blessings, it’s true.”

  Lilly noticed he didn’t seem too happy about it. “Why do I get the feeling you aren’t happy about the store?”

  For a moment, Lilly didn’t think he was going to answer. Then, just as if he’d been hard-pressed to speak, he grudgingly said, “Lilly, lately I’ve had something weighing on my mind, if you want to know the truth.”

  It was almost a relief to think about somebody else’s problems. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I should talk about it, yes.”

  Oh, he cracked her up. Everything was so literal. He never took anything between them for granted. “I mean, would you like to talk about it to me?”

  “To you?”

  “Sure, why not? I’m the perfect person to share things with. You hardly know me so you won’t worry about me giving you my opinions. I’ll just listen. Is it a relationship problem? I’m great at romance problems.” In spite of her bold words, she winced. Actually, she hadn’t been all that great at romance. If she had been, things would have probably worked out far differently with Alec.

  “I’m not sure.”

  Lilly wasn’t sure what he was replying to. Was he not sure he wanted to talk? Or was he not sure that it was a relationship problem?

  The landscape grew rockier. When she stumbled, Joshua reached out and took hold of her elbow, steadying her with his warm grasp. That impersonal clutch made her do a double-take. There was a connection between them. Something intense and personal. Like they were meant to be together. To be friends.

  “Or, we don’t have to talk,” she said a good five minutes later—even though the silence was starting to get to her. “Just walking is fine.”

  “I’m worried about my future,” he blurted. “I’m worried about my plans. And everyone else’s plans for me, too.”

  Lilly was glad her face was averted. If he saw her surprise, he might be embarrassed. “What about it?”

  “Lilly, do ya ever wonder if the plan everyone has for ya is truly God’s plan?”

  To be honest, she’d never had much thought about what God had in mind for her. All she’d been focused on was what she wanted, and what her parents wanted, and tried her best for the two needs to be the same.

  Of course now, worrying about her future seemed to be a full-time occupation. Slowly she admitted, “I’ve wondered what kind of job I’m going to have. What kind of job I’d enjoy.”

  “And a partner?”

  “A partner? You mean, like, a boyfriend or husband?” When he nodded, she continued. “Of course I’ve thought about who I want to marry.” Now that she let her guard down, disappointment coursed through her. Once, she’d had so many girlish dreams for herself and Alec. She’d fantasized about going to college with him. About getting engaged, then married, then one day planning their family. But those things were too hard to admit.

  It was better to think about girlish dreams than bitter realities. Forcibly brightening her voice, she said, “When I was little, I used to spend hours thinking about my wedding. Planning every detail, from what kind of dress I’d wear to what my flowers would look like. Every girl does that, I suppose.”

  “I suspect you’re right.” Looking troubled, he said, “Do you think people ever change their minds about what they want? About who they want?”

  Memories of her last argument with Alec rushed forward. There was only one reply.
“Yes.”

  “But is that what God wants? I don’t know.”

  “What’s wrong, Josh?” His questions didn’t seem merely curious. No, something specific was on his mind.

  He didn’t answer at first as they followed the trail, walking around a stack of broken logs, passing a thicket of trees barren of leaves. Lilly struggled to keep up with his pace—his legs were longer and he was far more used to the area than she was.

  Finally, after stepping carefully over a frozen patch of water, they slowed as the ground sloped down and the ground underfoot became more littered with stones and pebbles.

  “See, for years, I’ve only thought about Gretta,” he said softly.

  She’d heard the name before. “She’s your girlfriend, right?”

  “She’s my sweetheart, yes.” He shook his head. “No, that’s not right. She’s been my almost sweetheart. Everyone assumed we’d be courting in earnest by now and planning our wedding.”

  “But not now?”

  “I don’t know about now. A few days ago I told Gretta that I wanted some time to think about things. I told her that I wasn’t sure about her. About us.”

  “Wow.” Lilly could only imagine how that had gone over. “What did she say?”

  Looking completely puzzled, he said, “She said that she understood. That she would like some time, too.” He hung his head. “I think there was more than that, though. I think she was mighty sad.”

  “I bet she was. But she might have been telling the truth. Girls have doubts and change their minds, too. So, are you happy that she let you off so easily?”

  “That’s the problem, I fear. See, I thought hearing that she understood would be good news, indeed. But it wasn’t. I felt like maybe I wanted her to be missing me. Now, I just learned that Roland took her home the other day. I see that he’s just been waiting for me to get out of the way.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “Perhaps that is how it’s supposed to be? Perhaps she never really liked me as much as I thought she did.”

  He was jealous! Somehow that made Lilly feel even more secure in sharing her opinions—jealousy was a universal flaw. It certainly wasn’t as hard to relate to as living an Amish life. “Trust me, if Roland has been around for a while and Gretta ignored him until recently, she only likes you.”

  Hope flared in his eyes before worry returned. “I don’t know if Gretta thinks like that.”

  “If she’s a girl, she does.” When he frowned, she did a little more prodding. “What about you? Is there another girl that you’re thinking of?”

  “For a few days, it was you, Lilly,” he blurted.

  In a flash, her mouth went dry. “Me?”

  “Oh, jah. I looked at you and…wondered.”

  She was so completely embarrassed for the both of them, she wanted to run away. Yes, there was definitely something between them, a true connection, but she wasn’t ready to try and figure out what exactly that was. She wasn’t ready to fall in love again. She wasn’t even ready to fall in “like”…“Josh,” she began slowly…“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t—”

  “Oh, I don’t fancy you.” He laughed. “I realized that as soon as I prayed about it.”

  In spite of the prim little lecture she’d been about to give him, she felt a little disappointed. “Oh.”

  “After all, we wouldn’t suit. You’re English.”

  “I know. You’re Amish, by the way.”

  Smiling softly, he said, “We could never make a match. I don’t fancy being an Englischer…and somehow I don’t see you eager to be Amish neither.”

  “Then what were you thinking about me? If, you know, you weren’t thinking that you wanted to, you know…”

  “Go courting?”

  “Yes. Go courting.”

  “It’s like this. Lilly, if seeing you turns my head, if seeing you makes me think of different things, if being with you makes me doubt my future with Gretta…then something’s gotta be wrong, don’tcha think?”

  “I don’t know.” Thinking of Alec—and how sweet he was until she asked for more than he could give—she murmured, “Sometimes people change. Sometimes the things we want take us by surprise and then we don’t know how to deal with it.”

  “You do understand.”

  “I do. Unfortunately.”

  They’d finally stopped next to the wide creek. All her worries about the future faded as she gazed at its simple beauty. It was so peaceful. Deer tracks decorated the snowy banks, but that was the only sign that other creatures had visited it as well. Large sections of the creek bed were frozen solid. A spattering of snow decorated the top like coconut on a cake.

  But in other areas, only a thin layer of ice separated the water from the outside air. The ice was so thin and transparent, she saw a running current flowing smooth over the rocks.

  It made her think of their lives. Of how some parts were so stable and fixed, nothing could penetrate them. But other areas were far thinner. They might look solid, but the fragile layers were easily broken. In transition. And in those parts, why anything was possible. Ice could return…or it could all melt away.

  Next to her, Josh also looked intrigued by the water. Finally, he spoke. “Lilly, I feel it’s as if God gave me a little push into this terribly cold water, shaking me up. Wakening up my feelings.”

  “Giving you an awakening.”

  He nodded. “Jah. And now that I’m so awake, I hardly know what to do. Everything before seems too quiet.”

  Thinking of the baby, Lilly realized that she, too, felt the same way. “I’ve had an awakening, too,” she said slowly. For a moment, she was tempted to tell him about the pregnancy, about Alec’s stunned expression when she’d told him. About how embarrassed and ashamed she’d been to tell her parents. About how alone she’d felt when she realized that the new life growing inside her was also ending their relationship.

  About everyone’s determination that she should have this baby and move on and forget that she’d ever been pregnant. But she didn’t dare voice the words. It was too difficult.

  And too much of a secret. Besides, what would she do if Josh was so shocked by her circumstances that he abandoned her, too? She didn’t think she could bear it. For once she felt like she had someone to talk to.

  “What was your awakening?”

  She told what she could. “Oh, about what you’d expect. I’ve been trying to figure out the rest of my life. And, moving here has been really hard, too. It’s really different from Cleveland. Sugarcreek is so small.”

  “It has everything you’d ever need, though.”

  “I suppose it does…for some people.”

  “But not for you?”

  “No. Well, at least I don’t think so.” Reaching out, she squeezed his hand. “But it’s not all bad. We met.”

  “Yes. Perhaps one day we could be friends.”

  “I’d like that, Josh. I could use a friend.” She felt her muscles relax as she looked at their clasped hands. For just a moment longer, she took time to enjoy how secure her mittened hand felt in his heavy, work-hardened one.

  After another reassuring squeeze, Josh dropped his hand. “Let’s go back, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  As they walked along, she couldn’t resist teasing him. “So, you really never thought about dating me? After you prayed on it, I mean?”

  “Dating?”

  “Come on, you know. Courting.” She leaned closer, nudged him with her shoulder. “Hugging. Kissing. You never thought about kissing me?”

  To her amusement he glanced at her lips, and was evidently weighing the pros and cons of his interest in her…right there to her face. “I’m sorry but no. I’ve had no interest in kissing you at all.” His words and tone were solemn.

  But his eyes were merry.

  “Liar. I bet you’ve thought about kissing me. I’ve thought about kissing you.”

  “And?”

  “I don’t think we’d enjoy it at all, Joshua Graber. I, uh, hope
you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all. It’s a fair relief I won’t be having to fend you off, and that’s a fact.”

  As they continued the long trek back to their homes, Lilly found herself laughing more than she had in six months. Found herself chatting and sharing things with Josh…things she never imagined ever telling another person.

  “I best go to work now.”

  “Yes. I, um, have things to do also.”

  After all the stress and all the arguing…Joshua Graber was making her life bearable.

  And for that, she knew she’d always be grateful.

  She felt warm and secure…until she saw her mother staring through one of the front windows of the house. And she was glaring at her in disbelief.

  Chapter 10

  “Have a care,” Caleb warned under his breath just as Joshua closed the kitchen door behind him later that evening. “Mamm and Daed aren’t none too happy.”

  He barely had a moment to stare at his brother somewhat dumbly before his father marched up to him, eyes full of fire.

  “Joshua, you were seen walking with that Englischer this morning. Seen walking together hand in hand near the river.”

  He couldn’t help but be puzzled by his father’s tone. Trying to unscramble the accusations, he pulled off his black felt hat and rubbed his head. “Englischer? Oh, you mean Lilly?”

  “Son, don’t sound so confused. You know whom I speak of. Of course I am speaking about Lilly Allen.”

  Behind their father, Caleb shook his head in a well-practiced sign of warning.

  Joshua still didn’t understand what he was in trouble about. “What about her?”

  His father’s usual calm demeanor went walking as his anger roared to life. “What about her? Don’t play such games with me, Joshua. You sit down here and talk to me.”

  Joshua winced. Yes, he most certainly should’ve been more circumspect. Hastily, he sat. And waited. After a moment, Caleb kicked his boot. “Say something, bruder.”

  His father narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. For sure, his patience had neared its end.