Winter’s Awakening

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  So Josh started talking. “I meant to say yes, I was walking with Lilly this morning before I went to work.”

  “We told you at supper that we didn’t want you spending any more time with her. She is not for you, Joshua.”

  “I know that. We’re just friends, that’s all.”

  His father’s steel gray eyes flashed. “You have friends. Plenty of Amish friends. You don’t need her.”

  He knew different. When he thought about how well Lilly had listened when he’d admitted his feelings for Gretta…when he thought of how helpful she’d tried to be…Joshua knew that he needed her something awful. She was a friend he wanted to have for many years into the future. “I think otherwise.”

  “Should we forbid you to see her, then?”

  “No. Course not,” he said slowly, weighing each word with care.

  Joshua wished he could see more of his brother than just his profile. Then he’d be able to get a bit more information. The Graber family knew many among the English. They counted more than a handful as friends. Both of his parents spoke often of their old neighbors, the Wilsons. What had set their father off?

  “It’s time you became baptized, son. It’s more than past. It’s time you put away your running-around years, and stopped your questions and worries. It’s time you grew up and became part of the community and put childish notions aside. You need to accept your life, and accept your responsibility to it.”

  It took everything Joshua had inside him not to counter each of his father’s statements just to clarify things. He most certainly had not been “running around” in years.

  Plus, all he did was work at home and at the store. If that was not accepting responsibility, he didn’t know what was!

  Oh, but he wanted to speak up for himself, to counter his father’s lists of his failings. However, Joshua didn’t need his brother’s frantic hand signals to let him know that it was time to be quiet.

  And, well, he’d been planning to tell his parents he was ready to be baptized soon anyway. “I agree, Father,” he replied almost meekly, when his father finally drew a breath. “I’ll get baptized soon.”

  One peppered black eyebrow rose. “You will?”

  “I will. I will talk to the bishop and the church leaders on Sunday. I’m finally ready.”

  “Gut.” Looking like a balloon that had just lost all its air, his father nodded. With a small weary sigh, he stood up, turned on his heel, then walked down the stairs to the basement.

  When they were alone, Josh sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Thanks for the warning, but I think I could have used it a little bit earlier. Daed was surely in a fine temper.”

  “That’s because Mamm was fit to be tied. She’s been so worried that Lilly Allen has turned your head. Someone saw the two of you together talking by the river and thought of the worst.”

  Joshua rolled his eyes. “And the worst was that she and I might like each other?”

  “To Mamm, that would be terribly bad. You know that.”

  “I’m sorry she was worried, but things will be fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “All we’ve become is friends. Mamm and Daed shouldn’t have any worries about Lilly and I being more than that. Ever.”

  “Are you back to Gretta, then?”

  Caleb never did watch his tongue! But though Joshua had an urge to tell him to mind his own business, after talking things through with Lilly, Joshua was starting to realize that he’d been trying to do too much on his own instead of praying and waiting for God to lead him to the right path. “Gretta suits me,” he added. “She and I will most likely be happy together.”

  “But you’re not positive?”

  “No.”

  After Caleb thought on that for a bit, he said, “You know, it is gut that you are joining the church now. Finally. It’s time. I mean, if that’s what you want.”

  Something in his brother’s tone made Joshua look at Caleb a little more closely. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  This time it was Caleb who looked like he would like to be dodging questions. “No reason. It’s just that some people don’t ever join, you know.”

  “Some don’t, but I can’t think of a member of our family who hasn’t been baptized.”

  “One day I bet someone will change his mind and won’t.”

  “I doubt it.” For his part, Joshua couldn’t even imagine such a thing. Being Amish was who they were. He might have questions about who to marry or what to do, but never about that. “I hope I’m not around to see Daed’s face if that happens,” he joked. “Can you imagine how angry he’d be?”

  But instead of grinning, Caleb only stared at him with solemn eyes. “Yes, I can. I can imagine his anger perfectly.”

  What did one say about a sweetheart who no longer thought you were good enough? That’s what Gretta wanted to know. She sure was needing that answer something awful, now that her love life was the focus of most every conversation.

  The gossips were full of themselves in the shops and in the restaurant, too. Even Miriam had had quite a bit to say about Gretta taking a ride in Roland’s buggy.

  Just this morning Gretta had struggled to redirect most every conversation that Miriam had started. It seemed that all conversational roads began and ended with Joshua Graber.

  Or Roland Schrock.

  Or both.

  She was right tired of it all.

  The frosty atmosphere permeating everything at home was not a help either. Though her father had reassured her that they both only wanted her happy, Gretta wasn’t so sure.

  More than ever, she wished her mother would step aside and not interfere so much. Lately she’d had something to say about everything and it didn’t matter if Gretta wanted to hear about her opinions or not.

  This day was no different.

  From the moment Gretta had stepped inside that afternoon, she was peppered with questions about her intentions for the future. It was as if her mother was feeling nervous about Gretta not having a wedding one day! That she would become a maidal, an old maid.

  Supper had been no easier. Once again her parents hardly spoke to each other. As each bite was consumed, the tension seemed to increase tenfold. And while heavy silence wasn’t unusual, feeling as if she was the reason was new.

  Earlier, Gretta had heard snippets of their arguing through their closed bedroom door. Her father had berated Mamm for meddling in Gretta’s life too much. In contrast, her mother had been mighty irritated by her father’s lack of interest in Gretta’s married life.

  By suppertime, stony silence had reigned. By the time their four plates were clean, the air was thick and stifling and she and Margaret had been eager to go wash everyone’s dishes.

  Later, when her father went out to the barn and her mother sought comfort in her quilting, Gretta took refuge in the peaceful comfort of her room. As she gazed at her quilt, pieced together in pretty shades of pink and violet and yellow, she felt her body finally relax.

  As far as she was concerned, she would be happy to stay in her room for the night. Yes, indeed, she could do any number of things in the quiet privacy of her room. During her lunch, she’d gone to the bookstore and bought a new book. She also had a pair of socks she was knitting for the homeless shelter in the community.

  And then, of course, there were the sayings she was embroidering on linen napkins for the farmers’ market. If she worked hard, she could certainly complete another one that evening. Those always brought in a good price.

  Yes, there was much to do besides moon over Roland and Joshua. Or worry that one of them would bring her to a life like her parents’, where there was little laughter and not much else.

  Not ten minutes later, a knock at their front door brought all thoughts of sitting quietly to a stop. Her mother’s burst of surprise to see their visitors, along with Margaret calling for Gretta to join them, brought her to her feet. Hopping up quickly, Gretta ventured out into the hall. Who could be paying them a call?
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br />   She came to an abrupt stop when she saw who it was. Joshua’s family?

  There was Elsa and Judith Graber and little Maggie Graber, too. When they spied her, Mrs. Graber’s full cheeks lifted into a smile. “There you are, Gretta. I hope you don’t mind, but we decided to come for a visit.”

  “She—I mean we—don’t mind at all,” her mother said before Gretta even had time to open her mouth. “I’ll go make a fresh pot of coffee and slice up some banana bread. Gretta take our guests into the sitting room.”

  Feeling awkward, Gretta smiled Judith’s way as she led them into the room. Luckily her mother had just lit a fire so it was cozy and warm.

  “How have you all been?” she asked.

  Judith smiled. “We’ve been missing you. It’s been mighty strange not seeing you every now and then.”

  Gretta felt her cheeks heat. Not only had she missed Joshua, she’d missed his wonderful, noisy family, too. “I feel the same way,” she replied, meaning every word. Unable to help herself, she murmured, “How is Joshua?”

  Mrs. Graber frowned. “He says he is okay, but I don’t know if that is true. I’m concerned with some of his decisions of late, if you want to know the truth.”

  Gretta didn’t know how to reply. Though she, too, had felt a bit worried about their future, she’d never dared to voice her thoughts. Not like he had.

  Crawling off of the couch, little Maggie ran over to Gretta and held out her arms. “Hi, Gretta!”

  Gretta gave the four-year-old a hug as she settled Maggie on her lap. “Hi. You look like you’ve gotten bigger.”

  “Mamm says that, too.”

  They chuckled as her mother came back in with a tray full of filled coffee cups and sliced bread. After serving them all, she took a seat next to Gretta. “So what are we going to do about our kinner? I keep telling Gretta to do more to try to get Joshua’s attention.”

  Mrs. Graber blinked before replying. “I don’t think that is what he needs,” she said slowly with a sweet look Gretta’s way. “After all, Gretta is just fine how she is. It’s Joshua who’s been in a difficult place, I think.”

  “He’s found a friend in Lilly Allen, that’s what’s happened,” Judith said bluntly.

  “You need to keep them apart,” Gretta’s mother warned. “She’ll turn his head.”

  Hearing the blame heaped on Joshua’s shoulders shamed her. “Joshua has not been the only one to want to look around some,” Gretta felt compelled to add. “After all, it is his right. Nothing has been decided.”

  Mrs. Graber nodded. “Perhaps you’re right, dear. We’ve heard about Roland. Do you find that you fancy him?”

  With her mother, Judith, and Mrs. Graber all looking at her, Gretta felt more embarrassed than ever. Even little Maggie was looking at her curiously. “I don’t know. I want a husband who suits me. Roland might…or he might not. Josh and me looking around is not a bad thing. We’ve known each other a long time. It might be a mistake to step forward into marriage without considering life with other people. Marriage is forever, you know.”

  Her gaze softening, Mrs. Graber nodded. “I wanted to let you know that Joshua has agreed to get baptized soon, praise the good Lord. I think that is a good sign, yes? Perhaps things will get straightened out soon.”

  “Maybe they will.”

  “If you stop thinking about Roland Schrock,” her mother stated.

  Thankfully, Mrs. Graber didn’t acknowledge her mother’s rude behavior. “Gretta, we just wanted you to know that we still care for you. We still want you to come by to visit us. Even if things never work out between you and Joshua.”

  “Please do, Gretta. I’ve missed you,” Judith chimed in with a smile.

  “I’ve missed you, too. I’m so glad you all came by today.”

  “Me too?” Maggie asked.

  Reaching out to tickle one of Maggie’s ribs, Gretta grinned. “Especially you.”

  Whether on purpose or happenstance, the two older women left the room to look at quilts, giving Judith and Gretta some time to visit more privately.

  As soon as the other women were out of earshot, Judith leaned forward. “So, truly…are you serious about Roland?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “He’s always seemed a bit dull to me.”

  “He’s caring and tries hard.”

  Judith wrinkled her nose. “I suppose.”

  It was on the tip of Gretta’s tongue to reassure Judith that her heart was only Joshua’s. But she was afraid to hope…and afraid to pass up her chance for a marriage.

  She couldn’t deny that she and Joshua had done nothing but argue for the last week or two of their relationship. She didn’t want a future like her parents, full of anger and recriminations and frosty mealtimes. Instead, she longed for a peaceful home. With Roland, Gretta thought there was a good chance she could have that.

  But no matter what happened, she didn’t intend to sit and wait and simply hope that things would get better. She wanted to begin her life. To leave her parents’ house and all the painful memories that festered there. To start anew.

  And if that meant accepting a man who might be a little quiet and boring, then, well, so be it.

  “I think Joshua might be for me, but I’m just not sure. Roland Schrock has many qualities, too,” she confided. It was hard to compare someone she’d been close to for years with someone she’d only spent a few moments with.

  “Yes, but Joshua and you are meant to be together. I know it.”

  Gretta wanted to believe that, but she wasn’t so sure. “My heart does care deeply for Joshua, but I’m not sure what my mind says about our life together.”

  “I have a feeling your life with him will be how our house is now, Gretta,” Judith said softly, letting Gretta know that she knew far more about Gretta’s circumstances than she’d ever let on. “You’ll have laughter and love. You might have disagreements, but you’ll have other things too. Passion and warmth and happiness.”

  Stunned at Judith’s words, Gretta stared at her friend. Were those things important? Would she one day tire of steadiness and peace and yearn for laughter and arguments and…passion?

  When Maggie hopped off the couch and ran toward the kitchen, Judith stood as well, to make sure the little girl didn’t run into trouble. “Don’t forget that quiet doesn’t always equal happiness, Gretta,” she said in parting. “Sometimes a quiet home is simply a place where no one has anything to say. And that would be a verra sad place to be, I would think.”

  “I’ll remember,” Gretta murmured.

  Chapter 11

  As far as Lilly’s family was concerned, she was turning a bad situation into a lifelong mistake. Ever since she’d tearfully told her parents she was pregnant, they’d wanted to take charge of her, to make everything better.

  Since she was obviously not capable of doing anything right.

  She didn’t agree.

  As she stared at the cell phone in her hand, Lilly knew she was doing the right thing for herself, and for her baby. It was time to grow up and respect herself and her own beliefs.

  After punching the seven digits in her phone, she pressed Send and waited. Then Ms. Vonn picked up much too soon. “Hi, Lilly,” she said as soon as the introductions were over with. “How can I help you?”

  “I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be needing your services anymore.”

  In the background, Lilly heard Ms. Vonn’s chair squeak as she got more comfortable. “Why won’t you?”

  “Because…because I’m going to keep the baby. I’ve made my decision,” she said quickly, before she lost her nerve.

  “Did you patch things up with…” Her voice drifted off as she shuffled papers. “Alec?”

  “No. He’s not involved in this decision.”

  “What about your parents?”

  “This is my decision,” Lilly said firmly, not daring to share the fact that she hadn’t told them about her change of heart. “I’ve made up my mind. It’s final.” />
  “I see.” After a pause, Ms. Vonn said, “Well, thank you for calling, Lilly. I’ll go ahead and inform those couples that you won’t be choosing any of them.”

  Ms. Vonn sounded so sad for the other people, Lilly almost gave in. Almost.

  But then she remembered the little flutter she’d felt inside of her belly just that morning. And she thought of how sick she’d felt even thinking about never holding her baby.

  Never being its mom.

  She hardened her voice. “Well, I guess that’s all I wanted to say.”

  “Don’t forget that you can always change your mind…it’s a big decision, no one will be upset if you do.”

  But she’d be upset with herself. She knew it as well as she knew she still liked Disney movies and hated the freckles on her nose. “I won’t,” Lilly said before hanging up. This was one thing she wasn’t going to change her mind about.

  After hanging up and taking a deep breath, she pushed the number seven on her phone and waited for Alec Wagoner’s familiar ring tone to sound.

  “Lilly?” he said as soon as he picked up.

  “Yep.”

  “Hey. What’s going on?”

  In the privacy of her room, she rolled her eyes. He sounded so casual, like they’d just seen each other that morning. “Oh, the usual. I’m still living in Sugarcreek. Still finishing up high school online.”

  “And…are you still, you know?”

  He sounded so hopeful that she wasn’t that it was almost funny. “Pregnant? Yeah.”

  “Oh. Well, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Listen I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to keep the baby, but I don’t need you to be around. Okay?”

  “You don’t want to put it up for adoption anymore?” Panic laced his words.

  “No. I just can’t, Alec.”

  “I’m going to college—”

  “I want you to go,” she said in a rush, eager to say her peace and get off the phone. “Believe me, I know we’re done. I just wanted to, you know, tell you. I’ll have my dad’s lawyer write something up so you won’t have to do anything, okay?”