Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Chapter 4

  It began the same as all of her dreams, like a fuzzy television that slowly came into focus. This time she found herself sitting in her room on her bed. It was as if she was waking up from a sleep, though she was dreaming. She pulled the sheets back on her bed and stretched. This dream felt very real, just as they all did. Emily already felt her stomach knot and sweat trickle between her shoulder blades. She knew whatever was about to happen would be horrible. Her nightmares often took on a life of their own, molded out of every bad memory, every abuse and trauma. She walked to her window, framed in her girlish pink polka dot curtains. She braced herself for whatever horrific scene waited for her and the cascade of emotion that would wash over her. As she stood at the window willing herself to look out, she felt that this dream was different. It felt...odd. It was the first time she felt that she wasn’t alone. Most of the time it was her intense loneliness that made them so miserable.

  She sensed a presence and turned around, expecting to find someone standing behind her. No one was there. She faced the window again, still feeling the undeniable presence of someone. Outside the window looked like a battle field. People lay strewn across the ground, blood running in rivets, becoming streams of carnage. She felt the fear. The fear and the despair that always accompanied the gruesome images her mind created. She felt the need to run, to flee, but she was rooted to the spot.

  Again she felt it, someone standing close to her. She could almost sense the body heat emanating off of them. This time she looked out her peripheral. She distinctly saw a shape. A dark shape that was clearly that of a person. She slowly turned to face it head on. When she did so she found she couldn't focus on it. Her eyes kept sliding away from the shape. Her hair stirred in an invisible wind and she smelled cinamon. Sharp and pungent. She felt a twinge of something…a memory…déjà vu. The figure made a small movement and Emily felt her eyes focus on it, suddenly being able to make out the contours of the body. It was definitely a man, slender but with an unmistakably intimidating presence. She began to walk towards him, still unable to make out any discernable feature. He didn’t move, continuing to stand there almost as if he were waiting for her. She stopped two feet away, straining to see his face. Her vision kept going in and out of focus. It was giving her a massive headache.

  Then there was a flash of ice cold blue. Eyes locked on hers and she was instantly caught in the intensity of his gaze. He was looking at her with an unreadable expression. She shuddered, unnerved by his unwavering study of her.

  She took a step back, then another. Until her back was against the wall and her hands were flat against the peeling paper. She needed to get out of there and quick, her fight or flight impulse warring with itself. The figure hadn’t moved but she felt the thickness of his presence bearing down on her, making it hard to breath.

  She wanted to wake up. She wanted to wake up now. But just as in all of her nightmares she couldn’t will her eyes to open and end this. Because she never had any control over what she did here. She just wanted it to be over, so she sat on the floor and curled in on herself, waiting.

  “Wake up” a voice called to her. It was so quiet that she thought she imagined it. It whispered in her ear, the warmth of breath on her neck. “Wake up” it said again.

  Suddenly, Emily sat up in her bed, the morning light slanting through her window. What the hell was that? Her sheets were damp with sweat and her heart continued to beat as if it were going to fly out of her chest. She had to struggle to control her breathing. “Calm down Emily, just calm down.” She muttered to herself. Just then her alarm went off. Well that was good timing, she thought.

  She jumped out of bed, wanting to put some distance between herself and the dream. It had been so real. They were all like that, but there was something really different about this one. He was what was different. The man, or boy, or whatever he was. Emily could still feel his undeniable presence like a searing heat on her skin.

  Emily shook her head and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror as she passed it. “Ugg!” She moaned. Black circles of exhaustion ringed her eyes and she was looking more and more haggard. Something had to give and give soon. The glass that was her fragile hold on her life and sanity was about to break.

  School was long and torturous that day and it felt like it would never end. It became worse when she accidentally ran into Liz Clindenst as she rummaged through her book bag while walking down the hallway. Emily had just pulled a book out of her bag when she walked squarely into Liz’s back, causing the other girl to drop a handful of papers she was holding.

  Emily closed her eyes and groaned inwardly. Great. This was going to be a pleasant exchange, Emily thought to herself as she looked into the face of a very furious Liz. “You freaking idiot! You are such a spaz Emily! Go crawl back under the rock with your alchey mother.”

  Emily clenched her fists, imagining Liz’s head separating from her body. Deep breaths. Deep, calming breaths. Emily chanted to herself. “What, are you deaf, dumb and mute now too?” Liz taunted her. Emily opened her mouth, not sure what was about to come out of her mouth when she was magically saved from either getting herself suspended or looking like more of an idiot than she already did.

  “Don’t you need to go throw up your lunch or something Liz?” Sasha appeared beside Emily and waved her hand in Liz’s direction. Liz’s face turned a molten red and Emily imagined smoke billowing from her ears. “Well if it isn't Emily’s body guard. Can’t talk for yourself so you have this oaf do it for you.” Liz smirked at Sasha and turned around and sashayed down the hallway.

  “God, what a witch.” Sasha commented as Liz disappeared into the throngs of people. Emily let out a deep breath. “Thanks Sash. I think I would have gotten into a lot of trouble if you hadn’t shown up. ” Emily pushed her hair out of her face with a shaky hand.

  “Ahh. You can’t let twits like Liz Clindinst get to you. Where will she be in ten years? More than likely bloated with three kids and missing teeth. Whereas you my darling will be a world famous photographer and you can spit in her general direction.” Sasha looped her arm through Emily’s and propelled her towards the cafeteria for lunch.

  “I just don’t get why she hates me so much. What have I ever done to her?” Emily muttered. She was feeling way too shaky and she hated it. Her emotions were so volatile lately. Another super side effect of sleep deprivation.

  “She hates you because you threaten her. You don’t drink the Liz Clinedinst Kool Aid and that drives her nuts. Plus you have the coolest best friend in the entire school.” Sasha gave a mock bow. Emily laughed. “You are so full of b.s. But I love you for it.” Emily squeezed Sasha’s arm and sat down at a small round table against the wall of the cafeteria. She pulled her bagged lunch from her book bag and sat it in front of her.

  “So, I’m picking you up tomorrow morning at 9:00.” Sasha mumbled around a mouthful of her ham sandwich. Emily looked up in surprise. “9:00? Why are you coming to get me at that ungodly hour?” Sasha didn’t make it a habit of getting out of bed before noon on weekends.

  “Um the open house at Black Briar Community College. Duh. Don’t tell me you forgot. We just talked about it a couple of days ago.” Emily rolled her eyes. Sasha just wouldn’t give up. “Are you serious? When we talked about it, you conveniently left out that it was so early in the morning.” Emily said with irritation.

  “Emily, it would be so great for you. They have a ton of art classes, including stuff on photography. You could build up your portfolio and then get a scholarship to some great art school or something.” It was sad that Sasha had put more thought into Emily’s future than Emily had.

  “How can I possibly afford community college Sash?” Emily asked, launching into their age old argument. “Do I need to spell this out for you again? They have something called financial aid. You probably wouldn’t have to pay a cent. Consider this a big 'f' you to your mom. Prove you can do it.” Sasha was being brutal, using the one argument that was boun
d to ensure Emily’s compliance.

  Emily sighed. Damn Sasha. She was right. She needed to start looking at the bigger picture. She couldn't work at the caverns the rest of her life. She would off herself if she had to listen to Kurt's nasally dictated orders for the rest of her existence.

  “Sure. But if I come away with all of my hopes dashed, you owe me big time.” Emily finished her sandwich and threw the bag into the trash. Sasha clapped her hands together in delight. “Yeah! I win! And you won’t have your hopes dashed Em. You are so dramatic. I think you’ll be surprised at how doable this whole thing is. Just have an open mind please and don't piss in my cornflakes.” Sasha warned her. “Yeah okay, whatever.” Emily had to admit she was excited and that was a nice feeling.

  ***************

  Saturday dawned clear and warm. A pleasant change from the cold that had come far too early this year. Emily yawned and rolled over, wanting to go back to sleep. Her mind flashed to her latest nightmare, particularly gruesome this time. He had been there again. She felt more curious this time and had tried to approach him and that's when she had woken up.

  The house was pretty quiet; a good indication that either her mom didn’t come home last night or she was still sleeping off her bender. Emily just hoped there weren’t any unwelcome guests in the house.

  She tip-toed down the hallway, seeing her mother’s closed bedroom door. Damn. She was home. Emily was going to have to get out of the house without her mother hearing her. She closed the door as quietly as possible. She took the world’s quickest shower and crept back across the hall to her room.

  Emily had almost made it to her door when she heard the most dreaded of sounds. The creak of her mother’s door followed by a loud slam as it hit the wall. “What the hell is goin’ on out here?” Her mother’s voice screeched.

  Emily tried to get back into her bedroom before her mother realized she was standing there. But too late. “Emily. Where do you think you’re going?” Her mother’s foul breathed warmed her cheek and Emily turned her face away. “I’m meeting Sasha mom, I’ll be back later.” She tried to wrench her arm free from her mother’s iron clad grip but it only made her mom hold on tighter.

  “You didn’t ask me if you could go anywhere. Look at me when I talk to you God damn it!” Her mother yelled not two inches from her face. Emily felt her blood begin to boil. She was so sick of her mother choosing when she wanted to play parental figure. What business was it of hers' away?

  But she couldn’t say exactly what was on her mind because it would only make the situation worse and Emily could still smell the stale stench of booze that clung to her mother like a noxious perfume.

  “Sorry mom. I won’t be gone long.” Emily said through gritted teeth. She hated playing meek but after years of experience she knew this was the best way to get out of there as fast as she could.

  Her mother’s nails dug into her arm and she saw the irrational anger cloud the other woman's face. Emily cowered, despite her attempts to look strong. That hurt little girl always seemed to take over when she was around her mother.

  Emily heard a muffled moan from her mother’s bedroom followed by loud footfalls. “Sylvia? You out there?” A slurred male voice asked from the door way. Emily used the momentary distraction to wrench free from her mother’s grip and get back into her room. She closed the door in her mother’s face and quickly locked the dead bolt.

  For once her mother didn’t bother to bang on the door, shouting obscenities. Emily was relieved to hear her head back down the hallway and close her door. Emily looked at her clock and saw that it was already 8:55. Sasha would be there at 9:00 and she wasn’t one to be late. Sasha prided herself on her timeliness. Crap. How was she going to get out of there?

  She hoped her mother would be distracted by whatever loser she had brought home, but she couldn’t count on it. Looking out her window, she gauged the likelihood of getting onto the tree branch attached to the large Maple tree. It was going to be a bit of a trapeze act, but she thought she could do it.

  Emily opened her window and threw her book bag to the ground. It landed in a pile of leaves two stories down. She tried not to look too long because she was suddenly overcome with vertigo. “You can do this.” Emily told herself. She slowly leaned out of her open window and slung one leg over the branch. She quickly grabbed on and pulled the other leg through the sash. She stayed like that for a moment, hanging onto the branch like a monkey.

  Emily was suddenly too scared to move and continued to cling to the tree. She probably would have stayed that way indefinitely if she hadn’t heard Sasha’s outrageous laughter ten feet below her. “What the heck are you doing up there?” Emily chanced a look down and saw Sasha, hands on her hips, looking at her like she had lost her mind.

  Which she may have done, considering the state she currently found herself in. “Do you need me to climb up there after you or have you decided to hang out there all day?” Emily slowly swung to the next branch and carefully made her way down the tree. When her feet finally met solid ground she fell to her knees and kissed the grass dramatically.

  “You are so odd Emily. Why in the world were you dangling from a tree?” Sasha took hold of her arm and hefted her to her feet. Emily picked up her book bag and began to gather the items that had spilled out in its fall. “Avoiding my wonderful mother of course.” “Ahh, enough said.” Sasha responded and steered her toward the waiting truck.

  Emily was crazy nervous. She didn’t really know why but she felt like this really would dictate the next two years of her life. Emily didn’t want to admit out loud how much she really hoped to work something out so she would be able to go. Then in the back of her mind was the persistent nagging voice that told her she was being a sucker for getting her hopes up.

  She nervously tapped her fingers on the dashboard, looking out the window as trees and houses whipped past. But the mountains, always the mountains, remained. Sasha grabbed her hand. “Please stop doing that. You’re driving me crazy. What’s with the anxiety? It’s just an open house. We’ll just wander around looking at the place; we’re not going into brain surgery or anything.” Sasha’s easy self-confidence was such a direct contrast to Emily’s own insecurities.

  “I know. I’m just…never mind.” Emily gave up trying to explain the feelings that churned inside of her, opting instead for silence. Sasha left the subject alone and turned up the music, European club music drumming in her ears.

  They finally pulled up in front of a modern one story building with a perfectly manicured lawn. The campus was dotted with numerous brick buildings and even on a Saturday, it was teeming with students walking down the lanes that connected them. Emily wished she had brought her camera. The landscaping was beautiful and she was sure she could have taken some great shots. Maybe next time, she told herself. If there was a next time.

  Sasha got out of the car and started heading towards the two large doors at the front of the admissions building. Emily slowly followed her, slinging her back pack over her shoulder. Sasha stopped and tapped her foot impatiently. “We’re lucky this isn’t a race Em. Pick it up please. I don’t want to miss the opening speech by the president.” Emily hurried to catch up. “Sorry.” She mumbled.

  Emily saw a bunch of kids from their school. Several of her photography buddies were there and she waved to them from across the crowd. Emily was surprised at how many people were there. A bunch of kids were with their parents and Emily felt a little conspicuous not being with hers'. Not that she would be caught dead in a place like this with her mother.

  Sasha’s parents were both working but would be coming on a campus tour with Sasha next week. Sasha had already tried talking Emily into joining them. Emily was waiting to see how today went before putting her eggs in the basket.

  “I’m delighted to see so many people here today. Welcome to Black Briar Community College. We first opened our doors in 1956 and have been providing an important foundation for thousands of students ever since.” The school�
��s president began. Emily immediately tuned him out and began to check out the room and the people in it.

  Emily was surprised to see Jeremy sitting on a bench on the other side of the front foyer. His older brother sat beside him. Emily wasn’t surprised that his parents were absent; given that they had little to do with their son, leaving him to practically raise himself. His parents were more focused on their careers than their children. The lack of parental involvement on both of their parts was what created their immediate bond. Though Jeremy wasn’t aware of the extent of her mother’s negligence, he had enough of a picture to feel a kinship with her.

  Jeremy though, had gotten past his bitterness a long time ago. Emily wished she had more of his positive outlook; unfortunately she was still mired in her own anger to be very optimistic where her mother was concerned. Emily knew his parents had been pushing him to attend the same Ivy League school as they had. Jeremy’s parents had both attended Brown University, which is where they had met. Emily was also aware that he didn’t share their vision for his future. So this was his form of rebellion it seemed. She could only imagine the horror his parents would experience if their son attended a …gasp…community college.

  Emily had only met Jeremy’s parents once and she had immediately known that they were anything but happy about her relationship with their son. Emily had often wondered if that had played some part in his initial attraction to her. Emily caught Jeremy’s eye and he gave her a small wave. Emily waved back and then attempted to concentrate on the president’s address.

  It was useless of course and she attempted to suppress a yawn. Sasha elbowed her. “Pay attention.” She hissed. Emily frowned at Sasha. Her friend was taking all of this entirely too seriously. She moved away a bit.

  God! How long was this guy going to drone on? Emily was getting very antsy and bobbed back and forth on her feet to try and stay awake. His speech was like an immediate sleep aide. Maybe Emily should look into getting a recording of this dude if she was suffering from insomnia. She giggled to herself but stopped when she noticed Sasha shooting daggers at her.