Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Chapter 15

  Emily heard the police leave her house. They hadn’t gone upstairs to speak with her again. She then waited for her mom to stumble up the stairs and bang on her door, demanding to come in. When that didn’t happen either, she continued to lie on her bed, listening to the deceptive silence. She couldn’t hear her mother, she couldn’t hear anything.

  She ventured downstairs after about an hour and searched the downstairs. There was no one. She walked back upstairs and looked in her mother’s room. It looked like a tornado had blown through. Drawers were pulled completely out and over turned on the floor and clothes lay strewn acrossed the bed. Emily checked the closet and noticed her mother’s duffel bag was missing. Emily deduced that her mother had taken off for a few days. She hadn’t heard her leave the house, but she wasn’t complaining. That was one less worry she had to deal with.

  She went back to her room and turned on her stereo. She looked at the clock on her bed side table. It was 2:30 in the morning. She was feeling the exhaustion of the evening set in. Her head ached and she felt fatigue sink into her bones. Turning on her stereo, she listened to Radiohead as she drifted off to sleep.

  ********************

  The fuzzy consciousness that signaled the beginning of the dream took over. And like each time, it slowly receded until was left with a sharp clarity. She was on a beach. The place could have been on a post card and she knew this strip of sand and sea with aching familiarity.

  Emily could feel the sun beat down on her shoulders and the sand gritted between her toes. The water gently lapped against the shore and she could hear the seagulls cawing over head as they dove towards the water to snatch fish.

  She looked around. She seemed to be alone. She didn’t feel anxious or fearful. Instead, she sat in the sand and enjoyed the blissful peace. She didn’t know how long it would last but she would relish it while she could. She fell onto her back and closed her eyes, digging her fingers into the sand like a crab. She felt herself smile.

  Her body started to tingle and she could smell the pungent aroma of cinnamon. Emily’s eyes flew open. And he was standing there, as if he had been doing so for a very long time. The sun cast his face in shadow and she was blinded. She sat up quickly and scooted away. He continued to stand there, not moving. He was tall, she could tell that. He wasn’t overly muscular or big; instead he had a slight frame, bordering on slender but still imposing.

  He moved slightly toward her and she was finally able to see his face. He had dark hair that fell in slight waves across his forehead. He didn’t look to be much older than she was. He wasn’t what you would call conventionally good looking. His face was a series of planes and shadows. But he had an arresting face, an intriguing face, with his straight but defined nose and high cheek bones. She realized that she could enjoy looking at him.

  Studying him intently for a moment her attention was caught by his eyes. Cold blue, startling blue. How did she know those eyes? She could have sworn they should have triggered something for her but she couldn’t make herself remember.

  And when he smiled at her it was crooked and almost painful, as if he wasn’t used to the expression. “What is this place?” He asked her, indicating the ocean and the distant pier. Emily smiled. “It’s Corolla, North Carolina. My Nanny lived here and I used to come to this beach every summer.” “And is it a happy place for you?” He slowly sat down beside her, placing an appropriate distance between them. All she could do was nod, not trusting herself to speak.

  He seemed to consider this and was silent for a long while. Then he nodded to himself, as if engaging in some sort of internal dialogue. “Would you like to walk with me?” He was hesitant, as if unsure of her answer. Emily had no idea who this guy was, or if she was supposed to know him. But she recognized him instantly as the presence that had haunted her in her sleep the last few weeks. She was very aware of him, the heat of his body and the smell of cinnamon rolling off of him in a rich current. The smell reminded her so much of those blissful summers with her great grandmother and it calmed any anxiety she may have felt.

  “That would be great.” Emily got to her feet and swept sand from her pants. She waited for him to join her. They walked along the shore line, the waves licking her bare feet. The water was warm and she could smell the salt and feel it on her skin. They were such pleasant feelings and she felt herself relaxing.

  She hadn’t dared to look at him again. She watched the ground as they walked. Every once in awhile her arm would brush his and it felt like an electric shock. They finally reached the pier and climbed up the wooden ladder. She was aware of him behind her, a safe distance.

  They walked to the edge and Emily was delighted to find the same nickel binoculars that had always been there. She searched in her pockets and magically found several coins. She put them in the slot and looked out into the ocean, watching a school of porpoises glide through the water. She finally turned around to find him standing there. He had his hands in his jeans and he stood awkwardly as if he were uncomfortable in his skin. “Would you like to look?” She asked him, indicating the binoculars. “Sure.” His voice quiet as he approached her.

  As he bent over to look through the lenses she watched him. His hair curled slightly around his ears and without giving herself time to think it through; she reached out and touched him just behind his right lobe. He didn’t move but continued to look out at the sea. His hair felt like silk, a live and vibrant thing. She crushed a strand between her fingers and then let go. He acted as though he hadn’t felt it, though she could have sworn he was as aware of her as she was of him.

  “This is very strange.” She said at last, breaking the silence. “I know.” He agreed, finally straightening and turning to look at her. His piercing gaze met hers. “I know? Is that all you have to say?” She looked away from him, his stare becoming too much. “Can’t you just enjoy this? I know you don’t have pleasant dreams very often.” His voice pleaded.

  He grabbed her hand and lightly caressed her palm. When she looked down, a perfect pink shell lay there. She curled her fingers around it and then let it drop to the ground.

  “Would you like to go swimming?” He asked her, abruptly changing the subject. She knew she should follow the previous line of conversation but she was enjoying herself too much to be bogged down by her doubt. “But I don’t have a swim suit.” As she protested, she felt wind on her skin and looked down. She was wearing the yellow swimsuit she had bought at a village shop three summers ago and it magically still fit. “Well, I guess I would like to go swimming.” She laughed and jumped from the pier. He dove in behind her and they spent what felt like hours playing in the gentle surf. They swam, they soaked up the sun, they had fun.

  And he talked with her about anything and everything. She was surprised at her easy candor with this strange boy. How he seemed to reach inside of her and gently extract every childhood memory. And it wasn’t remotely violating, this intense inquiry of his. No, it was nice to have someone so interested in knowing about her.

  She told him about the time she had her great grandmother had built a bonfire on the beach and roasted marshmallows and ate smores until their stomachs hurt. The day trip to Roanoke Island to watch the Lost Colony. Her first time eating lobster. She found that she enjoyed reliving these experiences with him. He listened to her as if her stories were the most amazing things he had ever heard.

  He laughed with her and asked her question after question. And she answered him, without a moment of hesitation. She told him things she had never shared with anyone, simple recollections that she hadn’t thought of in years. And he seemed to devour everything she told him. His eyes sparkled in animation as she shared it all.

  And remarkably she never once felt the sadness that usually accompanied these memories. After some time they finally found themselves back on the pier. It was then that Emily realized, in her continuous revelations about herself that she had not once asked this boy a thing about himself.

  H
is hand had found hers and she laced her fingers with his as they lay on their backs, the wood warm beneath them. It was such a simple gesture, yet it felt more intimate than any experience she had ever had with a boy. His grasp was hot, almost too hot, as if she would burn. They were quiet again and she felt her heart beat strong in her chest. He smiled at her, a real smile this time, one that didn't look completely painful. He gazed at her as if she was something wonderful and it made her tremble inside.

  “I don’t even know your name. Do you have one?” She turned away from him. He didn’t say anything for a long time and she started to think he wasn’t planning to answer her. His fingers squeezed hers after a moment and he spoke.

  “Tavin.” He breathed. She sat up and looked down at him. His blue eyes met hers. “Tavin?” He nodded. What an odd name, but it seemed to fit him perfectly. “Nice to meet you Tavin.” She grinned at him and he tentatively smiled back. “Who are you Tavin?” She asked him as she felt her mind become fuzzy and the edges of her vision tinged with gray. She struggled to hold onto this dream. For once she didn’t want to wake up.

  Tavin chuckled slightly. “I think it’s time for you to wake up now.” His voice was insistent, yet tinged with regret. “But I don’t think I’m ready to leave.” Emily resisted the urge to succumb to the darkness that waited for her. “Emily, you don’t have a choice.” He said sharply. Emily frowned at him, uncomfortable with his abrupt change. The water disappeared and the pier faded beneath her. “Um, wait a sec…” She began.

  Tavin shook his head. “Wake up.” He said simply and disappeared. As quickly as he was gone, she awoke, feeling lost and hopelessly confused.

  Chapter 16

  “Are you going to eat any of that?” Sasha pulled her chair next to Emily and grabbed the brownie off of her lunch tray. “Uhh, I guess not now.” Emily picked at her hamburger. “What’s up with you today?” Sasha asked around the mound of chocolate in her mouth. Emily glanced at her friend, not really sure how to answer. How did she explain that she was obsessing about her time with someone who didn’t exist?

  When she woke up yesterday morning after the beautiful dream on the beach, she had lain in bed for almost an hour, trying to hang on to the strange feelings coursing through her. It was the best dream that she had had in a long time, even if had ended so abruptly.

  It was the first time that her subconscious hadn’t twisted it into something ugly. Last night when she had gone to sleep she prayed that she would see him again, knowing that it wasn’t likely to see the same thing twice. But he had been there, almost as if he were waiting for her. This time they were in a park, having a picnic. All of her favorite foods had been carefully packed in the basket and they spent the entire time talking about the subjects she loved and enjoyed; art, history and endless discussions about photography. Though, she was acutely aware that the topic never veered toward him in anyway. He was still a complete mystery.

  Though, boy was he hot. She remembered putting her hands through his hair and the deep throated laugh he gave when she did so. Were the dreams a result of out of control hormones?

  “Nothing really. Just a little spacey today.” Emily sat up straighter and took a bite of her lunch. “Has your mom come back?” Sasha inquired. Emily shook her head. “Just as well, that’s the last thing you need.” Sasha shoved the last of the brownie into her mouth. “Jeez, don't choke Sash.” Emily patted her on the back.

  “Hey Em…Sasha.” Jeremy’s voice came from behind her. Emily politely moved aside, making room for him to sit down. She felt really weird about Jeremy now. She wasn’t sure what their relationship was and she had been avoiding his calls and texts since the party.

  Part of her wished she had never kissed him on Halloween; it only complicated an already overly complicated situation. On the other hand, Emily couldn’t hide from relationships her whole life and Jeremy truly cared about her. She hadn’t sorted out her feelings yet and now she was feeling consumed by her dream guy. Why couldn't she meet someone like that? She would probably get over her issues with dating in a hurry.

  “Hi Jeremy. What's up?” Sasha asked, clearly picking up on Emily’s awkwardness. Jeremy gave Sasha a quick smile before turning his attention to Emily. “Not much, just trying not to freak out over the fifteen page paper due in History class on the French Revolution.”

  Jeremy threw his book bag on the table and began to eat his lunch. Sasha watched the two of them for a while and then excused herself. “Got an overdue book I have to return.” Sasha lied. Emily knew for a fact the girl never set foot in the library if she could help it. No, she was throwing Emily to the wolves. Emily's pointed look to her friend made it clear she saw through Sasha's feeble story. Sasha shrugged. “See you guys later.” And with that, she left. Emily would deal with her so called friend later. She quietly fumed.

  A group of Jeremy’s friends sat a few tables over and made loud cat calls and whistled at the two of them. Emily felt her face flame with embarrassment. High school boys were immature and ridiculous. Did they have nothing better to do? Like throw spit balls or make rude comments about girls' chest sizes as they walked past?

  Jeremy pointedly ignored them, which gave him cool points in her book. After he was finished with his lunch, Jeremy took her hand in his without hesitation, as if it were something they always did. Which, it wasn't; not even when they were dating. Emily didn't do public displays of affection.

  Though this once, Emily didn’t pull her hand away, as much as she wanted to. She could feel the clamminess of his hand and it grossed her out. After a few minutes she couldn't take it anymore and took her hand back.

  “I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie on Friday. There’s that new zombie movie playing that looks really good.” Jeremy’s eyes were eager. “I don’t really like scary movies.” Emily began rummaging in her book bag so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “Oh, that’s right. Well we can see whatever you want to, Emily.” Jeremy grabbed her hands. “Please look at me.” Jeremy said softly. Emily stopped what she was doing and turned her attention to him. She wasn’t being fair and she knew it.

  “Are we together Emily? Is that what you want? If not, you need to let me know so I’m not hoping for something that just isn’t going to happen.” Jeremy looked as if he were bracing himself for a blow. The truth was Emily really liked Jeremy. He was cute, sweet and she enjoyed being with him. But there was that nagging voice that told her being with him would be a mistake, that she would be selling herself short for half of a relationship. This time however, she ignored that voice.

  What would it hurt to go on a few dates? It's not like they were going to pick out their wedding china or anything. But she needed to make her feelings clear. The last thing she wanted was to lead Jeremy on.

  “Jer, I really like you. And I think dating would be nice. Nothing serious, okay? If you can't be cool with that, then this definitely won't work. I just want us to be on the same page. I don't want a repeat of what happened before.” Emily met his eyes, he deserved total honesty. She didn't want to ruin the tentative friendship they had just started to rebuild.

  Jeremy nodded and cocked a small smile. “Agreed.” He reached out and shook her hand, like they were making a business deal. Emily laughed, relieved that he was being so great about the whole thing. Maybe this wouldn't be the disaster she had feared.

  “Can I give you a ride home this evening?” He asked her as they stood up to return their lunch trays. “Sure. Meet me out front after the last bell. I'll let Sasha know she doesn't have to wait on me.” At the mention of her friend's name, Emily groaned. Jeremy immediately noticed. “Sasha's going to give you a bunch of crap isn't she?” Emily nodded but then imitating a boxer, she lightly punched Jeremy's arm. “Don't worry though, I can take her.” Jeremy laughed and slung his arm over her shoulders. “I'd put my money on you any day, Em.”

  As Emily walked with Jeremy down the hallway, she was very aware of his presence at her side, the weight of his arm around her sh
oulders and how different it was from the heat of a very different touch she felt in her sleep. Just thinking about Tavin made her stomach flutter. God, she was ridiculous and more than a little nuts. Jeremy was real and not a product of teenage girl's over active imagination. Nope, this would all be okay, she told herself, trying to convince the nagging doubt growing inside of her that it wouldn't all blow up in her face.

  Chapter 17

  “You did what?” Tavin asked, barely able to get his breath with laughing so hard. Emily giggled at his reaction to her ridiculous story about daring Sasha to run naked down the street when they were freshman. Tavin rolled onto his back, gripping the grass underneath his fingers in his fists. Emily couldn't take her eyes off of him.

  “It was pretty funny. Her white backside was blinding.” Emily joked following him onto the ground. Turning her head she could see all of the tiny details of his face. His skin was flawless, except for a smattering of freckles over the bridge of his nose. He had a small mole underneath his left ear. She was so tempted to touch it but she didn't. His lips were perfect, the top lip a little bit fuller than the bottom. The slight dimple in his cheek when he smiled, which he did a lot more often now. It had only been a week since he had first visited her dreams and already she was seeing such a change in him. He was less uptight and he laughed a lot more.

  Emily lay so close that her lips almost touched his cheek. God, she wanted to kiss him. I mean, she'd had enough dreams where she made out with guys. But she felt unsure with Tavin, picking up on his hesitancy. Which, contrasted sharply with the emotional connection between them.