Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  And she could still remember Jeremy. That she was “technically” dating him. So if she kissed Tavin in her sleep was she cheating? I mean was it the same thing? No of course not, she told herself...this wasn't real.

  As if reading her mind Tavin rolled his head so that their noses rubbed against one another. Emily practically went cross eyed trying to focus on him at this close of a range. If she leaned in just a fraction of an inch her lips would be on his. She could see in his eyes that he wanted it too; the cool blue was actually heated, like melting polar ice caps.

  She felt tingles in all the right places and she decided to just go for it. “Tavin.” She murmured, leaning in and then....he rolled away. Seriously?! Isn't this her dream? Why weren't they mauling each other’s faces right now?

  “Okay.” She strung out the syllables and fell onto her back. Just her luck, her perfect dream guy was a total tease. Finally she sat up and looked around. This time her sleep brought her to Big Meadow Falls. This was one of her favorite places to go when she was a kid. It was also the backdrop for one of her last memories of her father. He had taken her here to go fishing, one week before he took off.

  Tavin put his hands behind his head and crossed his legs at the ankle. He seemed content to watch her. So why did he just stop what would have undoubtedly been a fantastic kiss? Emily was drowning in the sexual tension. God he was hot as hell.

  Emily looked away from his smoldering gaze and watched the waterfall slam into the rocks. The noise would have been deafening at this distance if this were real life. But seeing as this was a dream, it didn't make a sound.

  “So...” Her voice drifted off. Tavin laughed. “So...” He mimicked. Emily stood up and brushed the grass from her pants. She was wearing her favorite pair of jeans; the ones that she always thought made her butt look awesome. So she felt good in her skin at the moment.

  Meandering toward the falls, she felt Tavin follow. Turning around abruptly she practically smacked into his chest. He reached out and steadied her, grabbing her upper arms. Looking up at him, her stomach did a flip flop.

  “So...am I ever gonna know anything about you, or is this a one way thing? You ask all the questions yet don't answer any?” She finally asked him. Tavin backed up, giving them some space. He clearly did not like her question. Emily frowned and moved towards him, not allowing any sort of escape. She wanted answers!

  “Tavin, hello? So tell me how I'm able to see you every night? I know I've never met you or seen you before. I would definitely have remembered that.” She raised her eyebrows and Tavin couldn't help but smile at her attempt at flirting. He took her hand again and softly stroked the tender flesh on the inside of her wrist. Was he trying to distract her? If he was, he was doing an excellent job.

  “No, you've never seen me before.” He finally answered her. Tavin was purposefully not meeting her eyes, staring at their joined hands instead. “Well, that answers one question. On to number two...who the hell are you?” She asked. Tavin barked with a sudden almost maniacal laughter. Emily was startled by the sound. “What's so funny?” Tavin stopped laughing and answered her with a smirk. “Just funny choice of words is all.”

  “And to answer your question. I'm whoever you need me to be Emily.” He grinned at her and put his hands on her hips, pulling her close. Emily could smell his delicious cinnamon scent and he seemed very aware of the effect he was having on her. She put her hand on his chest, right over his heart, but it was silent. Hmm, interesting. If not a little disturbing.

  Pushing the dark thoughts away, Emily answered his grin with one of her own. “So are you going to kiss me or what?” She whispered, leaning in close to him. Emily would never have dared to be so brazen if she were awake. She wasn't that kind of girl. This forwardness was more Sasha's style than hers. It wasn't that she was shy or anything; she just wasn't one to throw herself out there like that. Too much risk of getting run over.

  Tavin's grin grew wider, if that were possible. “Wow, you don't mince words do you?” He joked. He had pressed her body up along the length of his and Emily was mesmerized by the cleft in his bottom lip. She wondered if he tasted like cinnamon too.

  Emily shrugged her shoulders. “Well we've been dancing around it for a week now. It's my dream, so I figure why worry about consequences?” She reached up to play with the hair that brushed his collar. Black satin. That's what his hair made her think of. But something about her words obviously upset him because Tavin dropped his hands and moved away from her.

  “What now?” She couldn't help but whining. Tavin looked over his shoulder at her, having turned his back. “If you only understood how wrong you were. The consequences are very real and we should take them very seriously.” His voice was hard and his entire demeanor turned very, very cold.

  Woah. This was not how she expected this to go. What happened to the warm and fuzzy dream? Sure it wasn't one of the nightmares, but it was causing waves of anxiety to roll in her stomach. Because his words scared her for some reason.

  “Tavin, what are you talking about? What consequences?” She wanted to reach out and pull him in again, to close this gap that had formed between them. Tavin sunk down to the ground and hung his head between his bent knees. “This is so stupid! I should never have allowed this to happen.” He said angrily. Emily was confused. His actions were hot and cold. What happened to her carefree dream boy? She liked that one a lot better than the sudden appearance of Mr. Angst.

  “I'm sorry Emily. I know I'm not making any sense. But the less you know the better.” Tavin looked up at her and the sadness in his eyes was just too much to handle. So throwing caution to the wind, she threw out every hesitation. She stopped worrying about whether kissing this boy would be somehow betraying her kind of boyfriend. Nope, she wouldn't think about any of it. Because he was so beautiful and he made her feel everything that she realized she was missing.

  So she kissed him. Her lips fell on his and she felt his sudden startle, as if he wasn't sure how to deal with this situation he found himself in.

  Tavin held himself rigid, so Emily wrapped her arms around him and slid into his lap. Her mouth moved against his in a way that would melt stone. After a few endless moments, Emily could feel Tavin's resolve crumble and whatever inner battle he was holding with himself ended with her resounding victory. Because he held her back. And her mouth opened underneath his and the sweet taste of his tongue in her mouth almost made her crazy. He crushed her against him and she could feel his body pressed tightly against hers. His mouth was hot and desperate as if he could eat her alive.

  Damn. She thought to herself. This is what kissing was supposed to be like. Not the lukewarm demonstrations she had experienced with Jeremy. It was supposed to be this undeniable passionate thing that she never wanted to end.

  The noises Tavin made in the back of his throat were such a turn on that she groaned in response, trying to push him backwards onto the ground. Tavin's kisses became less fierce until he stopped all together, his lips maintaining their contact and his arms still held firmly around her. Breaking the link, he touched his forehead to hers and seemed to be trying to get control of his ragged breathing. Emily was having a hard time herself. She couldn’t believe how animalistic she had become with him. She would have ripped his clothes off then and there if he had allowed it. And she was by no means an overly sexual person. Maybe these dreams indicated a lot of pent up frustration.

  “Emily, please. You're driving me crazy here.” He held her back away from him as she tried to continue kissing his neck. Emily pouted. Well, that was like being doused with cold water. She slithered off of his lap. Tavin gripped her hand, pulling her back up against his side.

  “God Emily, I can't believe this is happening. Especially to me.” He laughed hoarsely. Emily frowned at him. “You are so cryptic. Am I supposed to understand you?” She felt like she had missed a meeting. Tavin smoothed her hair away from her face and shook his head. “No, I don't expect you to understand. I'm sorry. I'm just so...hap
py.” His smile was amazing just then. Emily melted at his words and burrowed into his side. “I wish you were real Tavin. I wish it so much.” Tavin didn't say anything, only held her until that world faded into the next and she woke up.

  Chapter 18

  She sat in the living room and finished her homework, though it was taking her longer than usual. Because all she could think about was Tavin. It had been three days since that amazing kiss by the waterfall and she continued to see him in her dreams every night. But he hadn't kissed her again and she hadn't thrown herself at him as much as she wanted to.

  The amazing thing about these dreams is she remembered them vividly when she woke up. So remembering that they weren't real and that Tavin wasn't some boy she could pick up the phone and call was becoming extremely difficult. And depressing.

  Because having the perfect boy in her sleep was making settling for a less than perfect relationship in her waking world even harder to stomach. God, she was a mess. So it was with complete relief that she answered her phone a minute later. “What up?” Sasha’s voice had never been more welcome. “Hey Sash. How’s it going?” Emily balanced the phone between her shoulder and her ear and decided to give it up and put away her homework. There was no way it was getting done this evening.

  “Have you eaten yet?” Sasha asked. “Uh, no actually.” Crazy how she had completely forgotten about human necessities like food as she sat there obsessing about a boy that didn't exist. She was definitely losing it.

  “Let’s go get fast food or something. Mom and Dad went out for the evening and I really don’t feel like making anything.” “Sure, when you coming to get me?” Emily threw her book bag behind the couch.

  “Actually, do you mind walking over here? I’m just finishing up our English homework, so by the time you get here, I should be done.” Sasha only lived four blocks away. Emily looked out the kitchen window, it was pitch black outside. She didn’t really like the idea of walking by herself but it wasn’t like she was walking across town. A few of blocks were nothing. “Sure, I’ll be there in a few.”

  Emily locked up the house and put the keys in her purse. She began walking down the dark street, hyper aware of her surroundings. There had been a string of burglaries in her neighborhood over the last few months. Emily was pretty sure it was just some local group of kids getting into trouble. The only things that had been reported missing were video games and electronics. Her logical thinking didn’t stop the total freak out that was threatening to explode inside of her.

  She passed a group of guys working on a car propped up on cinder blocks in the front of a house. She received the typical whistles and suggestive comments. She ignored them, pulling her hood up over her hair, her stride never slowing. She kept walking until she no longer heard them. She stuck to lit streets, resisting the temptation to take a quicker route through a dark alley that came out by Safeway. Dark alleys in the middle of the night...not a good idea.

  Shivering, she zipped the jacket up to her chin and kept her eyes to the ground. She turned on the MP3 player in her pocket and tucked the earphone buds in her ears. She kept the music low enough so that she could still hear what was going on around her.

  She cut down Marsh Avenue, a street over from Sasha’s house. She was listening to some really loud alternative rock band when she heard a distinct whisper next to her ear. She paused the song and popped the bud out. She stood still, listening intently. She was standing under a street lamp and was looking across the street at an abandoned warehouse. In the shadows under the eaves of the front door, she thought she saw a figure move. Her heart began to beat wildly. Get with it Emily! She thought to herself harshly and continued to move down the sidewalk.

  Though it wasn't long before she began to feel like someone was watching her. Tingles were beginning on the back of her neck, setting the fine hairs on edge. She whirled around and looked into the darkness behind her. Nothing. She put the earphones in her pocket and began to walk quickly down the street. She just knew she was being followed. She didn’t know whether she should look and see. Doesn't every expert say not to look? That it could encourage the person following you? Emily thought to herself. She began to see shapes moving out of her peripheral vision. Creepy, sliding things that made her insides crawl.

  She reached the corner of the street and stopped. Were those footsteps? She chanced a peak behind her. There was still no one there. Then she heard it again, a whisper against her ear. Saying something unintelligible and just low enough that she couldn’t understand it. She put her hands over her ears, trying to stop the sound. It continued, getting louder. The voice, neither male nor female, seemed to be talking in a language she didn’t recognize. Shapes moved in and out of her sight and her fear became palpable.

  She took off running down the street. She heard something running with her. But whatever it was didn’t seem to really want to catch her. The footfalls kept in time with hers’.

  Her mind was racing, sweat pouring off her body in torrents. She could hear the sound of her tennis shoes slapping against the pavement as she ran. Her rapid steps echoing like gunshots through the quiet November night. She felt her grip on sanity slipping. Something was after her, she knew it. Emily was past any logical thought at that point. The persistent voice in her head became louder and louder until it drowned out all the noises around her. She finally stopped, unable to move a step further.

  The blast of a car horn startled her as she realized she stood in the middle of an intersection, frozen in place. “What the hell lady?” The male driver yelled out the window. Emily raised her hand in apology and quickly jogged across the street. Her heart hammered in her chest, and the crisp air burned her lungs. The street was silent again, a slight breeze touching her face.

  She strained her ears, listening…for anything.

  Then she heard it. An unmistakable laugh. This time she could tell it was female. Emily whipped her head around, looking behind her. Nothing. She turned to look ahead of her. Again, nothing. “Run.” She heard the whisper in her ear; taunting. Emily took off running again, as if her life depended on it. And perhaps it did.

  Emily didn’t realize she had reached Sasha’s house until hands grabbed her shoulders, holding her in place. Emily punched out, catching her friend in the face. “Whoa! What is going on Emily? You almost knocked me out!” Sasha rubbed her cheek, a red splotch blossoming across her skin. Emily’s eyes darted around, looking for whatever had been after her. The voice had stopped but her heart still raced in her chest. Emily collapsed on the side walk, drawing her knees up to her chest. She was losing it. She knew that. Normal people didn’t hear voices and see shapes that weren’t there. Emily was beginning to doubt everything about herself.

  Before she realized it she was crying. Deep, heavy sobs that felt ripped from her body. Sasha stood paralyzed, not sure what to do. Sasha didn’t do the emotional stuff and Emily knew she was struggling with how to help her friend. Finally Sasha helped Emily to her feet and got her inside. Sasha put her on the couch and wrapped her in a blanket, bringing her a cup of coffee. Sasha didn’t ask her anything; just let her cry herself out. Emily’s body shook uncontrollably and she felt like she would shatter from the inside out.

  “I think I’m going crazy.” Emily whispered. “What?” Sasha asked, not hearing her. Emily shook her head, unwilling to repeat the admission. “So, what happened Emily? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that freaked before.” Sasha sat on the chair across from her, gripping her hands together uncomfortably. “I thought I was being followed, I got scared.” Emily gulped down the coffee, feeling it warm the icicles in her fingertips.

  Now that she was inside Sasha’s house, away from the dark outside, she felt silly. She wanted to forget about it. Emily was sure she had imagined the whole thing, or at least she hoped so. A lifetime of suppressing everything negative kicked in and she began the process of rationalizing. It’s not like she lived in the middle of the country or anything. Perhaps it was the simple noises of th
e neighborhood that she heard. The night air amplifying everything until it sounded like footsteps following her.

  But what about the voices? The images that had slipped in and out of her line of vision? Emily pushed it down, way down. Compartmentalizing it until she felt able to really think about it. Right now she was safe and that’s really all that mattered.

  Emily gave herself a few minutes to compose herself before answering the barrage of questions Sasha launched at her. Sasha wanted to call the police, make a report. “And just what would I tell them Sash? That a mysterious shape was following me? Um, I don’t think so. I think I just freaked myself out. You know how I am about the dark.” Emily pulled the blanket from her shoulders and straightened up, pulling strength from that resilient place inside of her.

  “That’s true. Sorry I made you walk here.” Sasha gave her a one armed hug. Emily gave a long shuddering sigh and her stomach growled audibly. It broke the tension and the friends laughed. “So, are you still hungry? Because I think I could eat an entire cow. I mean they can just serve it up mooing on my plate.” Sasha rubbed her stomach in feigned agony. “Can we order something in? I know I look a hot mess.” Emily put her hands against her flushed face. “Well, I wasn't going to say anything...but yeah you do.” Sasha said in mock seriousness.

  “Shut it girl. Just order some Chinese or something.” Emily told her. Sasha went to the kitchen to order the food. “What about the mooing cow? Do you think they can deliver that?” Emily yelled. Sasha laughed. “It might cost me extra.” Emily stayed seated on the couch, her knees under her chin. Wow, she had really lost it back there. That unto itself scared her to death. Emily had held herself together for so long; she was rather suddenly falling apart at the seams.

  She couldn't use exhaustion as an excuse anymore because she had never slept better. Now that the nightmares were gone and were replaced by her dreams of Tavin, she felt completely rested when she woke up. So why now? Why the sudden hallucinations and crazy stuff?