Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  After Sasha called in the order, she sat down beside her on the sofa, careful to give Emily her space but close enough that Emily was comforted. “So…” Sasha’s voice trailed off. Awkwardness set in. Emily scrambled to think of something to fill the silence and came up short. For the first time in their friendship, Emily was at a loss of what to say to Sasha. She didn’t know how to explain what was going on. If truth be told, she didn’t know if she wanted to explain, even to Sasha.

  The silence continued. Wheel of Fortune was on the television. It was turned down so low that it was barely audible. Suddenly the front door slammed open and Emily jumped. She burrowed her back into the couch. “Emily, calm down. I think it’s just mom and dad.” Sasha peered at her like she had grown another head. Emily could only imagine the picture she painted with the blanket wrapped around her, her blonde hair frizzed out from the run and her normally pale face, red from crying.

  “Sasha sweetie, you in here?” Emily heard Sasha’s mother call from the foyer. Emily relaxed. Sasha didn’t take her eyes off of Emily as she called back, “Yeah, Emily and I are in here.” Two figures came into the room. Sasha’s parents were everything that Emily always wished she had.

  Her mother had a lovely and kind face, her body thickened over the years from child rearing and not getting enough exercise. Sasha’s dad always feigned a gruffness that really covered a heart as soft as his wife’s. They were good, salt of the earth people and loved their daughter very much.

  Sasha had revealed to Emily after they became friends that she had an older brother who had died five years ago in a boating accident when they lived in Virginia. It had almost destroyed Sasha’s family, with each parent blaming the other.

  Sasha had admitted that the family had undergone years of therapy to come to some sort of peace with the horrible tragedy. And they had all strengthened as a result. Emily was always in such awe of their family unit, amazed that people could love each other so much; experience something so horrible and come out of it stronger and more committed to each other than ever.

  Mrs. Reynolds crossed the room and hugged Emily, enveloping her in her usual scent of roses. It was like hugging a scented pillow. “How are you Emily? I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen you.” Mrs. Reynolds pulled back and took in Emily’s disheveled appearance. “Good god. What happened? You look life you’ve seen a ghost. Is everything okay?” Mrs. Reynolds’ concern was evident on her face. Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds were all too aware of Emily’s home life.

  “I’m fine. Just got a little freaked on the way over here.” Emily laughed nervously, picking up the blanket on the floor and putting it back on the couch. Mr. Reynolds looked sharply at Sasha. “Did you have Emily walk over here? Sasha, it’s too dangerous for a girl to be out at night by herself. Not with the string of break-ins that have gone on recently. Use your head next time.” Sasha nodded, not even trying to argue with her dad's criticism.

  Emily didn't want to see her friend get into trouble for her stupidity. “Don’t give her a hard time Mr. Reynolds. I have always been ridiculous about the dark. I think by seventeen, it’s time I grew out of that. I stuck to the main roads. No worries. I appreciate that Sasha thinks I’m capable of walking over here all by myself.” Emily said sarcastically, joking about her recent scare. Mr. Reynolds humphed but laughed. “Yeah, I guess you aren’t some little girl Emily. But we worry about you, as if you were one of our own.” Mr. Reynolds patted her back and turned his attention to the TV, switching on a football game.

  “Why are you guys back already? I thought you were going to see a movie over in Berkeley Springs?” Sasha asked her mother who was straightening up the couch cushions and putting magazines back in a pile on the coffee table.

  “The show we wanted to see was sold out. Your father has to work the early shift tomorrow, so he didn’t feel like going anywhere else. Sorry if we put a cramp into any plans you guys may have had.” Mrs. Reynolds smiled apologetically to the two of them.

  “No major plans. We just ordered Chinese food. Have you eaten?” Sasha went towards the phone, prepared to call in more food if necessary. Mrs. Reynolds put up her hand. “Oh no, we ate already, you girls enjoy. I’m going upstairs and take a bath and then my new Nora Roberts book is calling me.” She kicked off her shoes and with a final hug for Emily and Sasha she went upstairs.

  Sasha nodded her head towards the kitchen and Emily followed her, leaving Sasha’s father engrossed in the game. Emily propped herself up on a stool at the counter and leaned her chin on her hand. Sasha pulled some cash out of her wallet sitting by the microwave, counting it out for their order. Sasha looked up at Emily. “You sure you’re okay? Do you want to stay here tonight? You know you’re always welcome.”

  Emily thought of her lonely house and the offer was very tempting. But as much as she wanted to stay here, she couldn't run away from every tiny thing that bothered her in life. She definitely wasn't that kind of girl. She was pretty sure her mom wouldn't show up, though she didn’t want to admit that her mom's continued absence bothered her. It had been over a week since her mom had left and she hadn't heard a thing. It wasn't like her to be gone this long. The bills were coming in and Emily had very limited means to pay them. Well, she couldn't think about all that tonight...she'd have to deal with that when she was less frazzled.

  “Thanks for the offer, but it’s a school night and I still have at least an hour of homework waiting for me.” “You should have brought your stuff over here silly.” Sasha rolled her eyes. “Wasn’t expecting to get the crap scared out of me now was I?” Emily tossed a pen at her friend. Sasha caught it. “My ninja like reflexes.” Sasha joked.

  The two devoured their Chinese food and laughed about stupid stuff: the kids at their school, Sasha’s newest crush of the moment. By the time they got into Sasha’s car to head back to Emily’s house, she had forgotten about her fears. Until, they passed the warehouse down the street and Emily could have sworn that the dark shape continued to stand there, cloaked in the darkness, yet always watching.

  Chapter 19

  School came too quickly the next day. Her body ached from her spurt of cardio vascular activity last night. She felt as if she had slept with her body clenched in ball. Her muscles were taut and she had to relax them one at a time. Emily stretched, rotating her shoulders. Her dreams were hazy from the night before and she couldn’t really remember what they had been about. She knew Tavin had been there. She recalled his pervasive presence and the calm it had given her. She must have been really exhausted to have avoided dreaming.

  She got showered and dressed. As she tied her converse sneakers she heard the front door open and close. She froze in place, not wanting to move an inch. Emily then heard her mother’s clunky steps make their way up the stairs. Her mother stopped in her doorway and looked at her. Emily cringed inwardly at her mother’s haggard appearance. She looked as if she hadn’t bathed in days and she was wearing the same clothes she had been wearing a week ago when she had left. Despite all of this, her mother’s eyes were clear and focused. Emily’s mother was sober, for the first time in years.

  “Are you heading to school?” Her mother asked. Her voice was hoarse, as if she had been yelling. “Yep. It is my usual destination on weekday mornings.” Emily moved passed her mother, smelling her unwashed skin. She pulled her camera off of her dresser and moved quickly. Her mom followed her down the stairs.

  “Hey, I’m sorry I took off like that.” Emily tried to ignore her. She didn’t want to get into this right now. An argument before school would not bode well for a good day. “It’s okay.” Emily said dismissively. Her mom grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at her. “No it’s not Emily. It’s not okay that I left. I’m sorry.” Her mother’s tone was serious and she squeezed Emily’s arm painfully.

  “Okay mom. I appreciate your apology, but I have to get to school.” Emily heard Sasha honk her horn outside, perfect timing. “That’s Sasha. I have to go.” Emily started to head toward the door. She s
topped and looked back at her mother, who stood in the doorway to the kitchen, seeming torn as to what to do. Emily felt the familiar guilt and compassion for her mother take over. “I’ll see you this evening, right?” She tried to keep the hope out of her voice. Her mom smiled. “I’ll be here honey. Maybe I’ll try to cook something.” Her mom laughed abruptly and then stopped. Emily didn't say anything, not sure what to make of this stranger in her mother's body. So she simply walked out the front door.

  “So your mom’s home, huh?” Sasha asked as they pulled away from her house. “It looks like it. We’ll see how long this lasts.” Emily’s tone made it clear the subject needed to be dropped. Emily’s worry was drowned out by Sasha’s trivial small talk. Emily made polite noises to indicate she was listening. Though her thoughts were anywhere but in that car. Her mom had been clean. She knew that instantly. What was she supposed to make of that? One thing was for sure, Emily didn't dare allow herself to hope it meant anything good. She was too used to having hope squashed right out of her, often with her mother's fist.

  They walked into the school, Jeremy already waiting for them. “Hey stranger. Where’ve you been all my life?” He joked, swooping in to kiss her cheek. Emily tensed at the physical contact. Jeremy pretended not to notice and took her hand. Emily saw Sasha watching them, a knowing look on her face. Her friend simply shook her head and kept her mouth shut.

  “So, you want to try and grab dinner or something this evening?” Jeremy asked her, taking the book bag from her shoulders. Emily was completely annoyed. She didn't tell him he could carry it for her. Yeah, she was probably overreacting at the thoughtful gesture but it irked her. She grabbed it back from Jeremy's hands and threw it onto her back. She didn't miss the hurt look on Jeremy's face. Now she felt bad, damn it.

  “Um, well actually my mom came home this morning and I feel like I should be there this evening.” Normally that would have been a really bad excuse, as Jeremy knew how little she liked being around her mother. But for once, the words were true. Though it was obvious by Jeremy's expression that he didn't believe her. “Okay then.” He said and walked ahead of her into the classroom. Sasha elbowed her. “What was that about? You were a little bitchy, you know.” Sasha frowned at her and followed Jeremy through the door.

  Just great, she had succeeded in pissing off her only two friends in less than three minutes. Had to be a new record. Sighing deeply she slunk into the room and sat at her desk without looking at anyone.

  That was why it took a while before Emily noticed that Mr. Miller wasn’t there. In his place was a young man who sat back in his chair with his feet propped on the desk. He looked around the classroom, observing the bustling students. Emily watched him pop a piece of candy in his mouth and could smell the pungent scent of cinnamon. She realized she was staring when his eyes met hers. Oops. But it was his eyes that made her feel like she falling into a black hole. Because they were a very familiar ice blue. What in the world? She wondered. Her thoughts were interrupted by the beginning of morning announcements and her substitute turned his attention to the TV mounted on the wall.

  After the announcements were over, their substitute teacher sat on the edge of the desk and crossed his arms over his chest. He seemed really young, not much older than the kids in the class. The girls were already fluttering their eye lashes at him and fluffing their hair. Liz Clindenst was practically throwing pheromones at him.

  “I’m Mr. Heishman. I’ll be your sub today.” His voice was deep and husky. “Mr. Miller is out sick. He left me a lesson plan. It looks like you guys have been reading Shakespeare’s sonnets.” Without any further introduction, he began to speak. It took Emily a few seconds to realize he was reciting one of the sonnets. Which defiantly impressed her, as she had an impossible time remembering them at all.

  “My glass shall not persuade me I am old,

  So long as youth and thou are of one date;

  But when in thee time's furrows I behold,

  Then look I death my days should expiate.

  For all that beauty that doth cover thee

  Is but the seemly raiment of my heart,

  Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me:

  How can I then be elder than thou art?

  O, therefore, love, be of thyself so wary

  As I, not for myself, but for thee will;

  Bearing thy heart, which I will keep so chary

  As tender nurse her babe from faring ill.

  Presume not on thy heart when mine is slain;

  Thou gavest me thine, not to give back again.”

  Mr. Heishman recited the sonnet in a clear and strong voice. He held the class riveted. As he passionately rendered Shakespeare’s famous words, she felt his eyes on her. She met his gaze and felt her limbs begin to tingle. When he finished with his recitation, there was a collective sigh from the female members of the class. The guys grumbled at the attention the girls were giving their substitute, but they didn’t snicker or say anything disparaging. Which was pretty impressive in its own right, as that group of guys were notoriously crude.

  “So guys, what does it mean?” Their teacher’s question hung in the air as everyone searched for an answer that would please him. Emily felt her hand rise in the air. She did it before she even realized what she was doing. Mr. Heishman smiled at her. Emily felt herself blush at his attention. “Emily, right?” She nodded, ridiculously pleased that he knew her name. “Well, share with us what you get out of this piece.”

  “It’s about love and longing, and a fear that it will all end, most likely in death.” He smiled at her again, clearly liking her answer. “I completely agree. Love is probably the most powerful force on earth. It can make us do amazing yet foolish things in its name. But death isn't always the end is it?” His words hung in the air and Emily couldn't deny that it felt like they had been meant for her. The air practically buzzed with some sort of connection between them. Emily felt her hands tingle and she couldn't take her eyes off of him.

  “Um, yeah.” She said, feeling like an idiot. Um yeah? Was that all she could say to his incredible comment? Um yeah? Really? She wanted to sink into the floor with embarrassment.

  He stared at her so intently. Mr. Heishman didn't seem to think she was stupid. His eyes seemed to be trying to tell her something, but what? It unsettled her how much those eyes reminded her of Tavin's. And that made her rather tenuous grip on reality slip a bit. But then the teacher blinked and like that, the connection was broken and Emily was able to breathe again.

  She felt Sasha looking at her. Meeting her friend's eyes, Sasha wiggled her eyebrows and mouthed, “Damn he's hot.” Emily shook her head and looked down at her English book.

  The rest of the class passed in a blur. She never raised her hand again and Mr. Heishman never called on her. She must have imagined the weird connection that had seemed so tangible to her.

  The bell finally rang and Emily took her time packing up her things. She wanted to talk to him, make some excuse to be in his presence. Sasha and Jeremy hung by her desk. Emily waved them on. “I’ll catch up with you guys later, okay?” Sasha cocked her eyebrow in her all-knowing way. Jeremy still seemed to be miffed about their earlier exchange, so he barely acknowledged her before leaving, but it didn’t even bother her. Nope, Emily’s entire focus was on the amazing substitute who sat at the front of the classroom. What was she doing? Was she going to attempt some sort of lame conversation with him? All she knew was she had to be near him for just a little while longer.

  Emily zipped up her book bag and slowly walked up the aisle of desks. Mr. Heishman was making notes in a notebook, his head bent over the desk. Emily stopped at his elbow, floundering for something to say to him. He looked up suddenly and looked at her. “Hi Emily.” He said softly. She knew his voice. She was overcome by deja-vu, a sensation she was becoming familiar with. “So, uh, Mr. Heishman. That sonnet you recited to us today. Is that one of your favorites?” Emily asked him. She suppressed the urge to slap her forehead i
n mortification. She sounded so juvenile.

  He didn’t look at her like she was a moronic little kid; instead he seemed to consider her question seriously. “It is definitely one of my favorites. Though I must say, I like all of the sonnets. There's just something about that kind of passionate love that transcends time, don't you think?” Emily nodded emphatically. “Have you ever been in love like that?” She asked him. She realized that she was being extremely inappropriate. He was currently her teacher and this was not a conversation a student should be having with her instructor.

  But he didn’t feel like a teacher. No, it felt like they were simply two people together, talking about matters as important as love and death. He looked away from her, staring at something she couldn’t see and he began to speak again.

  “How oft, when thou, my music, music play'st,

  Upon that blessed wood whose motion sounds

  With thy sweet fingers, when thou gently sway'st

  The wiry concord that mine ear confounds,

  Do I envy those jacks that nimble leap

  To kiss the tender inward of thy hand,

  Whilst my poor lips, which should that harvest reap,

  At the wood's boldness by thee blushing stand!

  To be so tickled, they would change their state

  And situation with those dancing chips,