Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  O'er whom thy fingers walk with gentle gait,

  Making dead wood more blest than living lips.

  Since saucy jacks so happy are in this,

  Give them thy fingers, me thy lips to kiss.”

  His voice spoke softly, his words only for her. “He is tortured by his love, his obsession, his need to touch her, to feel her, to kiss her. It consumes him. He doesn’t know if he will drown in his need to be with her. She is oblivious to his obsession. Is she cruel? Or just naive? We don’t really know. All we know is that his hunger for his lady could be his undoing.” He looked directly into her eyes.

  The sound of crashing waves drummed in her ears and she felt herself falling into the blue abyss. He sucked on his cinnamon candy, the smell a tantalizing tease of memory. A piece of paper slid off of his desk and floated to the floor. Emily bent down to pick it up at the same time he reached his hand down to retrieve it. Their hands brushed; the barest of touches. She was hit with desire so strong that it took her breath away. What was wrong with her? Her feet were rooted to the spot.

  The bell suddenly rang and it pulled her out of the moment. Students started rushing into the room, jostling her. Crap, she was going to be late for Chemistry. But she couldn’t make herself leave. Mr. Heishman continued to watch her with an unreadable expression. “Well, um, thank you for your time and all.” She said lamely.

  . “I have all the time in the world for you, Emily.” He whispered in that voice that wasn't quite his. It sounded so much like another voice she longed to hear in this world. Emily didn't say anything, just nodded and finally forced herself leave the classroom with an inexplicable heaviness in her heart.

  Chapter 20

  He was fading. He knew it with a clear certainty. Every time he possessed another, he lost a little more of himself. Possession was a tricky thing. It had to be done just right or the demon ran the risk of being trapped there forever and, as it was without him feeding, it was harder and harder to do at all. Tavin hadn’t made it a habit to possess mortals. Actually, he had never done it before, only heard of it being done by several of his brothers who enjoyed that sort of thing. She frowned on this, found it to be an unnecessary risk. If she knew he had done it, she would be furious.

  He knew his mother had been checking up on him. He didn't think he had given her any reason to suspect him or the change that was occurring in him. Maybe he had been too distant, putting off seeing her. He didn't typically wait so long to go to her. In truth he hadn't been in her presence since his last mark had passed. Not since finding Emily.

  She was particularly possessive of him, something he used to find pleasure in. He liked being his mother's favorite. The fact that it made the rest of his brothers so angry was icing on the cake. He was the first after all. The first incubus born of his demon mother and a human man. He wouldn't say father, as there was only ever her. Lilith.

  He had felt her summons for days but had ignored it successfully so far. He knew she was aware of his forays into the human world, but he also knew that if she had been aware of his inability to feed on Emily, he was certain that she would have intervened. He would have been pulled back into her world and it would be forever this time. For a demon not to feed on their chosen victim was to commit suicide. He was ultimately ending his own existence by doing so. As Emily became stronger, he became weaker. Her every breath tightened the noose around his neck.

  The summoning wasn’t something that was easy to ignore. It was persistent and became steadily more compelling. After easing out of the body of the young teacher, Tavin knew he was incredibly weakened. But his moments with Emily were a delicious tease. Not for the first time since he had entered her life did he wonder what it would be like to touch her, taste her, and be with her forever.

  He was drowning in the torrent of emotion that she unleashed in him. He wanted to be good for her, to be something that was completely beyond what he was meant for. For the first time he felt a control in how he lived out the rest of his time. He could make choices different from the ones that had controlled him in the past. And with this new taste of free will he felt suddenly human.

  Tavin was discovering new things about Emily every time he was with her and her complexity was mesmerizing. He wanted to know her, to plunge into her soul. But he didn’t want to take it from her. He needed her to stay whole, even as he was breaking apart.

  The summoning thrummed through him and after this last physical experience he no longer had the strength to deny it. He closed his eyes and fell into the whirling, swirling nothingness that would lead him to his mother. It was an uncomfortable experience, this jarring dislocation. He could feel the wrenching pain as he was thrust through the mortal plane to this other world. The barren waste land that Lilith inhabited.

  Lilith, even thinking her name conjured up a longing need and of course the ever present fear. There was always the fear. His mother ruled them all, the demons, and had done so since the beginning. She was Adam’s first wife and refusing to cater to his every need and whim as was expected of her, she had instead fled the Garden of Eden, refusing to return. She turned her back on all that the Garden represented and in doing so ultimately rejected her humanity. Lilith became angry; bitter. She was hunted by God's soldiers, experiencing the worst atrocities that anyone could ever endure. She became the Lilith of nightmares, the Queen of the demons. Bearing semi mortal children, such as himself, she sought to undo all that God wanted to accomplish on Earth. Her children took on a myriad of names; Incubus, The Alp of Germany, the Baku demon of Japan or the Mara of Scotland. He and his brothers were the embodiment of all of Lilith's hatred and rage. And for the first time, his purpose left him feeling more than a little bit empty inside.

  Wind and sand whipped by him. It was dry and parched here, no life grew and it was an endless world of death and dying. A large structure stood off in the distance. He waded through the thick grit, feeling it between his teeth and in his eyes. This structure couldn’t be called a house; it was more accurately a fortress, a series of massed shapes that seemed to writhe and heave, like a living thing.

  He finally made his way inside which were endless twists and turns leading to pockets of rooms. Tavin knew his way to Lilith; he would have been able to find her with his eyes closed. He used to feel at home there, a deep sense of belonging. He would feel rejuvenated and reenergized by being in his mother’s presence. Now all he felt was an anxiety that made him want to leave. He was unable to lie to Lilith and that made him nervous. She could see through any deception and would strike harshly at any betrayal. His only hope was to mask his thoughts from her; making it obvious he was indeed hiding something from her, but hoping that she wouldn't dig too deeply. Because he had started keeping a lot of secrets.

  “Tavin. There you are.” The use of his chosen name, rather than his demonic one put him immediately on edge. Tavin entered a shadowed room that reminded him of a Roman bath. Torches burned on the walls, creating shadows in every crevice. There were figures massed in groups on the floors and in the steaming waters that pooled in large crater like baths. Every form of depravity and debauchery could be found here. Tavin used to find all of this amusing, even appealing. Right now he was feeling faintly nauseous. He approached the dais in the middle of the pulsating bodies on the floor. “Mother.” He fell to one knee in front of her. She loved to be treated like a queen and she expected complete supplication.

  When he rose he was indicated to sit on a cushion at her feet. She was as beautiful and sensual as ever. Her dark hair running rivulets down her back. Her vivid purple eyes flashed in the gloom. Her robes appeared to move with the primal base that beat all around them. Lilith laid a hand on his hair, running her finger through it with a steady purpose. “I was beginning to think you were avoiding me Tavin. But that can’t be so, why would a son avoid his mother?” Her voice whispered in his ear. She used his name mockingly. She was playing with him now, a game of cat and mouse, waiting to swoop in and snatch him.

  �
��Of course I wasn’t avoiding you Mother. I have been…preoccupied.” He kept his voice nonchalant and made himself lean into her touch. Her finger began to tug painfully at his hair as her nails dug into his scalp. “Preoccupied? What in the world could keep you from responding to my call for so long?” Here was the moment when he had to make a choice. Lie or tell the truth. If he told Lilith the truth, he could spare himself her inevitable wrath down the road. To lie would be to protect Emily for as long as he was capable. When it came down to it, the decision was easy for him.

  “Nothing of consequence mother.” Tavin said, hating to demean his experience with Emily in any way. Even if it meant saving her. His words belied the truth of his feelings. Lilith’s fingers left his head and she viciously yanked him around to face her. Her talon like fingers gripped his chin and her penetrating purple eyes gazed into his, prodding for truths. Her shadow, thrown on the floor by the flickering light, revealed her true form. A horrible horned beast with huge sweeping wings.

  Tavin hadn’t lived as long as he had without developing a few tricks of his own. Being his mother’s first son, he had also been given the ability to resist this form of mind manipulation. He blanked his mind and veiled his memories from her. He watched as she hit the wall he had created and saw the anger begin to boil there. She now knew he was hiding something from her. He just hoped she didn’t realize how important that something was to him.

  “What are you not telling me, my son?” Her voice was low and husky, rage apparent in every word. “What would I not be telling you, Mother? Why would I hide anything from you?” He evaded her effortlessly. Tavin waited to see what move Lilith would make. She could easily strike him down for his impertinence. They were frozen in a silent battle of wills. Tavin held strong against her as she attempted to push her way inside of his head. Finally after what felt like an eternity, she sat back in her chair and laughed. She rubbed the back of her hand along his face and looked at him indulgently, as if he were a naughty boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

  “Tavin. I know you are lying to me. And we both know that your “preoccupation” is becoming dangerous. I'm curious about your sudden focus. Would you be willing to share it with your mother?” She wound her hair around her finger, watching him, waiting to see his reaction.

  Tavin’s guts twisted in a knot and he felt his own anger rise to meet hers'. “Now Mother, you know I don’t share.” He struggled to keep his voice even. Lilith’s laugh was deep and rich and the figures in the room responded to it in a primitive way. The noise rose in a crescendo of pleasure and pain.

  “I knew that would be your answer and I will let it go... for now.” She leaned in towards him, winding her fingers into his hair again and gripped tightly. Tavin choked on his gasp of pain. No weakness, he had to show no weakness. It was extremely important that he play this power struggle with her, she delighted in it. “But if you jeopardize yourself for some…fascination…” she spit at him. “I will intervene. You will return to me immediately! And it will be forever! I have indulged your whims. But you are not human Tavin! You are a demon! I won’t let you forget that. Just as you must never forget what they are. They are no more than chattel. Their purpose is to feed us and nothing more! I’ve indulged you in your obsessions and curiosity when it comes to them. But no more! This idiocy must end or it will be the death of you!” She flung him away from her. Tavin maintained his balance, but barely.

  Lilith’s rage rolled off of her in waves and then like the flip of a switch she regained her composure. Her next words chilled Tavin to the bone and he could no longer pretend that Emily was safe, not as long as he was with her.

  “Tavin, it’s a funny thing, these humans. They are so weak, so easy to break. You see human sanity is such a fragile thing. Like a balloon, it can go…pop.” Her eyes widened dramatically. She stood up and slinked toward him. The shadows pulsated around her with every movement, her shadowed wings fluttering madly. She stopped in front of him, the top of her head barely reaching his chin but she appeared to tower over him. Tavin couldn’t help but cower away from her, despite his vow to not show weakness.

  “Have you ever seen someone careen off the abyss into madness?” She whispered, her breath tickling his cheek. “It’s magnificent Tavin. And the pleasure it affords us is unlike anything you could ever imagine.” Lilith licked her lips as if tasting something delicious. Her eyes sharpened and her words hit Tavin like nails through his skin. “I’m keeping tabs on her Tavin. On you as well. Don’t think you can fool me for a second. I know you aren’t feeding and I’m thinking you need your mother’s help to…how do they say it…seal the deal.”

  Lilith walked back to the dais in the middle of the room, once again lounging on the pillows. She sucked on one of her fingers seductively. “She frightens so easily, your girl. So vulnerable, no wonder you chose her.” Her smile was like ice, a murderous smile. Tavin’s desperation was spiraling out of control. He had to convince her that he could do this and that her intervention wasn’t necessary. “Thank you mother, for the offer but I know what I’m doing. I don’t need the reminders.” He sought to make his voice deadpanned with a hint of contempt. He held his breath, waiting to see if Lilith would take him at his word, or force the answers she wanted.

  Finally, his Mother turned away from him and Tavin could have collapsed under his relief. He had bought some time, not much but hopefully enough. “Am I free to stand now Mother?” He asked quietly, meeting her eyes. Lilith smiled again at him. “Why? Are you leaving me so soon? It has been so long and as I said, I have missed you.” Her voice became husky as she bade him to sit with her again. She gave a small flick of the wrist and two barely clothed girls seemed to materialize from the shadows. They were clearly human, but their eyes were dead.

  Lilith kept a “supply” of human here in this world for whatever function she felt they should serve. For the first time, Tavin felt shame and revulsion at the memories of the ways he had used women such as these in the past.

  No more, he couldn’t do this ever again, but he had to make a convincing excuse. Looking at these girls Emily’s age, he felt his chest constrict. He couldn't save them, but he would save her. Emily. So, his next words had to be played very carefully.

  “Send them to Rameel or Balthazar. They are more to their tastes. I'd rather use my energies elsewhere.” Tavin's tone was unemotional. He was such a fake, how could his mother possibly believe him?

  Lilith stared at him.

  “Then go.” Lilith made a pushing gesture and the girls disappeared. Turning back to him, she met his eyes with an unyielding stare. “Remember my words Masteema. I don't condone foolishness and I don't condone betrayal. I smell both in your blood at this moment and it doesn't make me very happy.” With that she rose from her seat and melted into the writhing figures in the darkness. Tavin cringed at her use of his demonic name, the name she had given him. A clear message that he was expected to drain Emily and be done with it all, embracing the side of him she had created and nurtured. She had seen right through him the entire time. He couldn't leave fast enough.

  Chapter 21

  Emily was in her favorite amusement park. She could smell the food vendors and hear the whirring of the rides as they rose and plunged overhead. The sky was beautiful. That perfect blue in a perfect dream. Which made total sense, since this is what it was. She hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks, and she was feeling blissfully relaxed and rested. She could feel the difference even now, in her sleep. She was physically stronger but mentally she knew she was slipping. These dreams, Tavin’s continuous presence, they were weighing on her emotionally. She didn’t know how long she could keep living this double life. She felt that she merely lived until she could go to sleep, aching to be with him again.

  “Here you go my lady.” A hand came into her view, holding a perfectly golden corn dog covered in mustard and ketchup. Emily laughed and took the heart attack on a stick. “Thank you very much. I could ask you how you knew this was my favorite
, but I get the feeling you know most everything about me.” Emily’s entire body tingled as he stood close to her, not quite touching. “Not enough Emily…not near enough.” Tavin tucked a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. Emily stared at his mouth. They had shared a number of kisses since that first amazing one, but he seemed to be keeping her and the physical part of this relationship at an arms' length. Emily was a bottle of pent up sexual frustration and she was about to blow.

  “I love this park. My mother brought me here a couple of times. They are probably the only good memories I have of her.” Emily began walking down the midway, trying to distract herself from the thoughts that consumed her, mostly of throwing herself at Tavin shamelessly.

  The park was loud with the roaring of the rides and the pop and fizz of corn dogs cooking in the fryer. This was the first time that there were other people in her dream. The amusement park was teeming with them; men and women selling food, children running from ride to ride, people screaming as they plunged downward in the Spider’s Cradle. Even though there were people everywhere, she felt as if she and Tavin were the only ones there. Everything else just faded to the background.

  They paid for tickets and rode roller coasters until Emily thought she would be sick. She screamed until her throat felt raw and tears streamed from her eyes. Through it all, Tavin held her hand, gripping it tightly in his own. His heat penetrated her and she felt fuzzy. He laughed as she jumped dramatically in the haunted house and pressed his face into her hair as they waited in line for pretzels. He was amazing; attentive, funny, and genuinely interested in everything she had to say.

  After she ate her third round of elephant’s ears, they wandered down towards a grouping of benches that sat in a copse of trees. The river sparkled in the sun light. Emily sat down on the bench and groaned pointedly. “I feel so full. I’ve eaten my weight in junk food.” She rubbed her stomach dramatically, then moved over and made room for Tavin to join her.