Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  He didn’t sit. Instead he stood in front of her; the sun behind his face, casting a shadow, making it hard for her to see him. It reminded her of that first time she had seen him on her dream beach. The moment when her life irrevocably changed. The sun went behind a cloud and she could see his piercing blue eyes. “What, do I have mustard on my face or something?” Emily laughed, rubbing at her mouth. Tavin’s lips quirked into his tight smile. “No, nothing like that.” He said softly. “Well what is it? You’re making me paranoid.” Emily joked. His seriousness was putting her on edge.

  Tavin finally sat down beside her, his leg brushing hers’. “I’m sorry Emily. I was just thinking how beautiful you are.” His fingertips lightly brushed her cheek and his smile was filled with an indescribable emotion. She felt herself melting into his arms as he held her tightly. The connection Emily felt with Tavin was intense and sometimes made it hard for her to breathe. As happy as she was in these blissful moments with him, she felt a nagging anxiety that this would all end. That the next time she went to sleep, she would be alone again.

  Emily watched Tavin’s face and could see his eyebrows knit together in a frown. He appeared to be struggling every time they were together. As if he were in a constant battle with himself. Tavin shook his head, as if answering an unspoken question. And then he leaned forward, almost recklessly. And then he was kissing her. His mouth pressed firmly against hers’ and she forgot everything but him. She was enveloped in his scent, absorbing it into her pores. She put her arms around his shoulders, her fingers playing with the fine strands of hair that brushed his collar. His hands went up her back, his fingers like hot coals against her skin. Goosebumps covered her arms and their kiss became more frenzied. She felt like she would drown. Tavin made a little groan in the back of his throat as his hands gripped her shirt and finally made his way underneath the flimsy material. He pressed his hands into her back, branding her flesh.

  Emily didn’t think she could stop herself if they kept going like this and pulled away slightly. Tavin’s eyes were unfocused and it took him several moments to clear the haze from his eyes. “Why does this feel so real?” Emily whispered. Tavin’s fingers wound themselves through her hair and she was feeling decidedly light headed. “This seems, I don’t know, almost normal. Why is that Tavin? Shouldn’t you sprout a pig’s nose and I be wearing a hideous polka dotted tutu while sporting my killer Winnie the Pooh slippers?” Her voice became breathy as he tasted the skin behind her ear.

  “This is as real as anything else in your life Emily. I’m here with you because you want me to be. And because I can’t stay away from you.” He looked away. Emily found his sudden shyness endearing. He looked back at her and gave a sad smile. “And whatever happens after this, I’m happy to be with you.” He said quietly. Tavin then pulled away and looked at her. That look ripped through every barrier she had ever erected around herself. Because she knew in that moment that he truly saw her for who she was, warts and all. And the crazy thing was he liked her anyway.

  Brushing the hair from her eyes, Tavin stilled for a moment, seeming to struggle with what to say. “You're amazing Emily. I could never go back now. I can't change what you've done to me.” Emily grasped at his words, determined to get some answers. This was all too real and she was all too aware of the gnawing feeling that she needed to know more. “What do you mean Tavin?” He looked away from her, breaking eye contact. “Would you like to go ride the Screaming Grizzly again? You seemed to really like that one.” Tavin was obviously trying to change the subject and for once she wasn’t having it.

  She pulled his face back around so that he was again looking at her. Emily wished fervently that she could get a read on him. His mysteriousness, while intriguing was more than a little annoying. “What are you hiding? Why do I feel like this is more real than it should be? How are you here every night?” She felt the familiar twinges of anger begin its slow burn in her stomach. Tavin read the change in her mood and took her hands and kissed them gently. “Please Emily. Don’t become upset. This is your dream, so there’s nothing to know about me.” Emily flinched at this and pulled her hands from his grasp.

  Common sense came crashing down around her. This was absolutely crazy. She had always prided herself in being a logical person, someone firmly rooted in reality, whether she wanted to be or not. Yet, here she was falling for someone who wasn’t even real. She was becoming an obsessive, paranoid freak when she was awake and now she was hanging onto these dreams like they were a life line. She felt the warmth of tears trickle down her face. Tavin frowned and touched her tears. “What's wrong Emily? I don’t understand.” He stayed his distance, not sure what he should do.

  “I don’t know...I guess everything. Because you're not real, Tavin. So please tell me why I am so desperate for you to be? What does that say about me? That I’ve lost my mind? At the very least it says that I am seriously pathetic. I want you Tavin, not just when I’m dreaming. I think about you constantly when I’m awake and whether I will see you when I fall asleep. And the crappy thing is I’m technically dating a perfectly nice guy, who is, you know…real and normal. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m miserable and ecstatically happy all at the same time. I am completely fixated on someone WHO ISN”T REAL!” She yelled the last words at him and then buried her face in her hands.

  Emily was embarrassed by her outburst. She felt like an idiot and if this were real, she was sure he would have ditched her by now. She sat very still, unwilling to look up and realize that he was gone. So she was surprised when she felt the undeniable heat that meant he had moved closer to her. His arm went around her shoulders and he pulled her to his chest. She buried her face into the crook of his arm, still not wanting to look at him, not sure what she'd see.

  His hands framed her face and pulled it to his. Their lips met in a dizzying rush. Her emotions, so fragmented and vulnerable began to spiral out of control in the unbelievable feelings he unleashed in her. This is what she had always wanted. This is what she had never felt with Jeremy or any other guy for that matter. And now this had possibly ruined any chance she had of a relationship in the real world. Because how could she turn her back on Tavin and live her life after experiencing this?

  Their limbs intertwined and they made their way to the soft ground. “Emily.” He murmured against her lips as he kissed her over and over again. Their hands became desperate as they held each other. Tavin moved his fingers underneath her shirt and found the soft flesh there. Emily pulled his shirt over his head and ran her hands down the length of his lean chest. He shuddered under her touch and she felt an impossible power at the effect she had on him.

  “I want you Tavin.” She whispered. Tavin seemed to cave and hurriedly undid the button of her jeans, fumbling with the unwieldy fabric. But just as they were about to shed the last of their unwanted clothing, Tavin stiffened and pulled away. He pulled his lips from hers’ and backed away. He was panting heavily and his eyes smoldered.

  “No, please, don't stop.” Emily pleaded, reaching for him again. She kissed his neck, making a slow line to his jaw. She felt his labored breathing and his fingers tightened in her hair as a moan escaped his lips. She wanted to go there with him. She wanted to experience this with him and no one else. Besides, losing her virginity in her dream didn't make it real right?

  “No, Emily, we have to think about this.” He told her, his voice ragged. He pushed her shoulders away gently, stopping her. She sat up and pulled her trembling fingers through her hair. “Wow, rejected in my dreams. That's a new one.” She mumbled to herself, pulling her shirt back over her head. Her face flamed red and she stood up abruptly, moving away from him.

  She felt sick to her stomach with his rejection. Damn it, she didn't want to feel this horrible sadness. Because she needed him, so very much.

  Suddenly his arms were around her waist and he pulled her until her back was pressed against his chest. He laid his chin on her shoulder. “Emily, I want you more than I have ever wanted a
nything. You are doing such crazy things to me; I just don't know what to do with it. Please, understand.” Tavin's voice pleaded with her.

  Emily remained stiff in his embrace, her humiliation too great. “Understand what Tavin? That I just threw myself at you and was pretty effectively shot me down. That's a super feeling let me tell you. If I wanted that kind of humiliation I could just stay awake, thank you very much.” She tried to wrench herself from his arms, but he held her tightly; refusing to let her go. “Just let me go Tavin, I can't do this.”

  Running away was what she did best and her instincts were telling her to do just that. “No you can't get rid of me like that Emily. You just don't get it. What my being with you is doing to both of us.” Tavin sounded almost angry and that made Emily's anger rise up to meet his. She whirled around and met his eyes furiously. “Well why don't you enlighten me Tavin? What the hell do you mean with all of your cryptic bullshit? It's getting a little old. I've shared everything with you...everything! You know more about me than my best friend! I know this isn't real as much as I want it to be! Why can't I fall in love with someone when I'm awake? Why does this have to happen in the most hopeless circumstance ever?” She hadn't meant to admit her feelings for him, not like that...but there it was.

  Her words seemed to cause him pain. His eyebrows drew together and he looked away from her. “I was afraid this would happen. I'm so sorry Emily.” His words were like a knife to the gut. No, 'I love you too', no reflection of her feelings. Instead he practically confirmed that even in her sleep she couldn't have a fulfilling relationship.

  “I just want to wake up.” She whispered. Emily concentrated on making herself come to consciousness. She needed to get away from Tavin, away from this heartache that had taken over her body.

  Seeing what she was doing, Tavin took a hold of her arms. “What are you doing? Why are you trying to leave?” He asked her, his voice breaking. Despite his earlier words, Emily could have sworn she could see his own heartbreak etched on his beautiful face.

  “I think you've made yourself pretty clear Tavin. This is not a dream I want! Do you hear me! I want to dream of someone who loves me back!” She wished she could stop the tears that fell from her eyes. Emily wiped at them furiously.

  Tavin's eyes softened, rubbing the tears with his thumbs. “Oh Emily, is that what you think? You couldn't be more wrong.” And he kissed her again. A sweet melding of lips so different from the passion they shared earlier. But it was somehow something so much more.

  Breaking away, Tavin looked into her eyes again and she was surprised to see the endless blue glossy with unshed tears. “You silly, silly girl.” He chuckled softly. Emily frowned in confusion. Tavin closed his eyes and shook his head and when he opened them she almost gasped at the emotion she saw there. Because what she saw was anything but indifference. The love she felt for him was clearly reflected back at her.

  “I love you Emily. More than I should, more than is safe for you. But God help me, I do.” She tightened her arms around him, laying her head on his chest. “How can I ever leave you?” Tavin asked, though it was clear the comment was more to himself than directed at her.

  “I wish I didn’t have to wake up.” She said emphatically. He didn't say anything, only burying his face into her hair. The smell of cinnamon engulfed her and she was instantly soothed. “Why do I always smell cinnamon around you?” She asked, not really expecting an answer.

  She felt Tavin's chest rise and fall with silent laughter. “If you had any idea how many times I've wondered myself.” He seemed to be laughing at a joke only he understood. He kissed the top of her head and she was aware of the pungent scent again, rolling off of him in waves. “Because it makes you happy, Emily.” He whispered.

  And it did make her happy. Emily was awash with memories of her Nan and the endless summer moments that had defined her childhood. Somehow Tavin's presence had tapped into those remembrances of a time that was lost to her.

  As she stood wrapped in Tavin's arms, breathing in the scent that had become distinctive to him, she didn’t think she could ever smell cinnamon again and think of anything but his beloved face.

  Then their moment was completely ruined by the most obnoxious noise Emily had ever heard. It was becoming louder and louder. Emily reluctantly pulled away from Tavin, looking around for the source of the horrible buzzing. “What is that?” Emily put her hands over her ears, trying to block it out. Tavin’s smile was sad as he pulled her hands down. “That, Emily, means it’s time to wake up.” Emily was confused. What was he talking about? The noise was so loud now that it hurt her head. Now that it was blaring in her ears, she realized it sounded exactly like an alarm clock. Not just any alarm clock, but her annoying alarm clock, that she had gotten for its ability wake the dead.

  Tavin began to move away from her, his eyes never leaving her face. Emily reached out, trying to grab his hand but she felt only air. He stood there, looking at her with this unbelievable love radiating from him and the peace she had found with him began to subside as the edges of her vision began to go grey. Her entire being rebelled against this, wanting so desperately to stay here, with him. “Will I see you again? Please Tavin! I have to know!” Emily could hear the raw desperation in her voice as everything began to melt like a water color. She felt her body tingle and then the feather light touch of fingertips on her cheek. “Always Emily. I'll wait for you forever.” She fell into the blackness, aching for him.

  Chapter 22

  “Hello? Tune in Tokyo!” Sasha waved a hand in front of her face. They were sitting in the busy cafeteria. It was noisy but Emily had been unaware of it all. She wondered how long she had been sitting there like that, staring into space and her thoughts far away with a very different person. “Sorry Sash. What were you saying?” Emily sat up and sipped on her Coke. She suddenly became very aware of the noise and the bright fluorescent lights overhead.

  “Oh, never mind! You have been like this for days now. You have completely checked out. What has you so preoccupied? You’re like a zombie! Did you find something out from your doctor? Are you sick?” Sasha’s expression became concerned and Emily felt guilty for making her worry. Emily shook her head. “No, it’s nothing like that. Dr. Hammond thinks I have a vitamin deficiency or something, so I need to take some Vitamin D tablets. No big deal. I feel better. Don’t worry about me.” Because her words were the truth, she felt 100% better, physically at least.

  But her obsession with Tavin and seeing him was consuming everything in her life. She slept in until the last possible moment in the morning and went to sleep as soon as she got home. She had started taking the sleeping pills her doctor prescribed her so she could go to sleep faster and stay asleep longer. Deep down she knew this was very unhealthy, but she couldn’t stop herself. She had never felt more alive and happy then in those precious moments with Tavin. And the irony of that wasn’t lost on her.

  The only thing she could think of to explain his continued presence in her dreams was that her subconscious had created him to fill the void she felt in her life. She didn’t want to over analyze it though, because she worried that if she did, it would all disappear.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better. But I’ve gotta be honest with you Em, I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall most of the time now. You’re so…vacant. Are you sure there’s not something else going on?” Sasha picked at the fries on her tray and tried not to look as anxious as her voice sounded. Emily knew she was being flaky, she just couldn’t help it. How could Emily possibly explain Tavin and the new set of problems that posed for her life?

  “Jeremy, three o’clock. And he doesn’t look happy.” Sasha looked over as Emily’s sort of boyfriend entered the cafeteria. Emily sunk down into her seat. If Sasha was getting frustrated with her lack of availability she knew Jeremy had to be absolutely livid. She had avoided his phone calls for days now and had made excuses to stay home so she could sleep. She peaked out of her lashes to see Jeremy stalk towards her. S
asha was right, he looked royally pissed.

  Emily knew this had to do with the fact that she completely forgot to wait for him after gym class. She usually had a free period then and they typically met up to do their homework. She hadn’t met him this morning and she knew his feelings were hurt.

  “Please hide me.” Emily pleaded to Sasha. Sasha put her hands up, “You’re on your own with this one. If you didn’t want this Emily, you should never have gotten back together with him. It’s not fair to him and really it’s not fair to you either. So do something about it. Make the break for good if you’re not into it. But enough is enough already. I’m kind of sick of hearing about your yo-yo relationship with Jeremy.” Emily’s eyes widened at the unaccustomed harshness in her friend’s voice. What was going on here? Was everyone mad at her?

  “Hey Sasha…Em.” Jeremy greeted them, his attempt at nonchalance failing miserably. Yep, he was angry. “Hey Jeremy. I was just leaving, so you can have my seat.” Sasha stood up, cleaning up her trash. “Thanks. Question Sasha? Is Emily blowing you off too? Because I’m starting to feel like this is very personal.” Jeremy tried to make his question seem like a joke but Emily could hear the hurt in his words. Sasha looked back and forth between the two of them. “Look Jer, I don’t want to get in the middle of your relationship drama. But I’ll tell you, she’s been checked out all week. Maybe she’ll tell you what’s going on.” With that, Sasha walked off, leaving Emily to deal with this situation all on her own.

  Jeremy sat beside her, putting his tray in front of him. He picked at his food, not really eating. He looked miserable and Emily hated herself for being the cause. She was making a mess of things on all fronts. “Look, Jeremy. I’m sorry I didn’t meet you. I got caught up with...um, other stuff.” Emily answered lamely, internally wincing at the noticeable excuse. She knew she was wrong and she knew Sasha was right; once again she was treating this great guy like total and complete garbage. He had every right to be upset with her. Why did she continue to hurt him like this? She felt fidgety and uncomfortable in her own skin. She moved around in her seat.