Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  She gingerly fingered through the bits and bobs. Most of it was costume jewelry and plastic rings from vending machines at the grocery store but then her eyes caught sight of something different. Picking it up, Emily realized it was her Nan's wedding ring. The diamonds set into the white gold band shimmered in the light. It was slightly tarnished but it was still beautiful.

  Emily had never known her great-grandfather, he had died when her mother had been a girl, but she was very familiar with the stories of him. The love between he and Nan had seemed like a fairy tale to a young Emily. Nan had met him after World War II. Her great grandfather, Nelson, was a young lieutenant, just home from fighting in Germany and had taken a job at a local diner in Corolla, as a busboy. Nan, who was a girl of sixteen, had met him when she went in to eat with her family. To hear her great grandmother tell the story, it had been love at first sight. Nelson had been five years older, but age didn't matter. Nan's parents hadn't approved, of course, and they had to carry on their relationship in secret.

  After two months of this, Nan's mother had found them together and had planned to ship off the young Nan to Connecticut to live with her aunt. The lovers, scared of being torn apart, eloped. They were married 55 years, until Nelson had died of a sudden heart attack. Nanny admitted that her relationship with her parents had never healed; they had never forgiven her for running away. But Emily remembered her great grandmother's hushed voice when she told her that she never regretted a moment of it. That she would give up everything for another moment with her Nels.

  And Nan had given Emily her wedding ring, her dearest possession, telling her she hoped she would find a love like that one day. She remembered her great grandmother's voice as they sat on the couch one summer evening when Emily was nine. Nan's arm was around her shoulders and she held the ring in front of her. “Love is everything Em. When you find it, hold onto it with everything you have.” She had slipped the ring onto her finger. It had been way too big at the time, but Emily had been awed by its beauty.

  Sitting there holding the ring she was horrified that she had forgotten all about it and the amazing story attached to it. Gently and purposefully, Emily slid the ring onto her third finger and was surprised to find that it fit perfectly. Thinking of Tavin and all that she had had with him she knew that Nan was right. Love was worth it.

  Standing up she walked to her window, pulling aside her polka dot curtains. The giant maple tree desperately needed trimming. The branches scraped the glass, sounding like fingernails. The wind moved the tree in a gentle sway.

  Emily remembered hanging onto that tree for dear life. What an idiot she had been to try and climb that thing. She could easily have died that day in her attempt to get up to her room. She let go of the curtains, watching them fall back into place. Her mind drifted back to that day and the moment she had made contact with the ground.

  She had lost consciousness for a considerable amount of time. She remembered being drawn immediately to Tavin and how angry he had been with her for not taking the injury more seriously. Chuckling to herself, she thought of his irritation and how he had held her so gently despite how frustrated he was.

  Hugging her arms to herself, she could almost imagine they were his arms that touched her. Emily started moving away from the window when she froze. Rushing back to her window she looked again out at that tree.

  She had lost consciousness, and she had gone straight to Tavin. But she had been consumed with thoughts of him before she fell. Actually, now that she thought about it...he was always her last thought before falling to sleep. The last few weeks, she had been consumed with her dread of Lilith. Could that have been the change maker? If she thought again of Tavin, could her intense need for him, her desire to see him, somehow help her find him? Their bond was intense. She was his mark. So that should be able to take her to him. But how could she stay asleep long enough to find him?

  What if she lost consciousness again? Would it work? If she focused on only Tavin and their connection, would she be able to locate him? No, it was crazy. She could have been seriously hurt when she fell out of that tree and it hadn’t been on purpose.

  But now that the thought had poked its way into her brain she couldn’t let it go. What if she could see him again? Would she risk it? Could she risk it? Opening her window she grabbed the tree limb that scrapped the side of the house. Looking down she felt the vertigo.

  Backing away from the open sash she took deep, gulping breaths. No, she wouldn’t fall out of a tree hoping it would knock her out. That was beyond insane. She may not lose consciousness but could instead break her freaking leg and then where would that leave her?

  Rationality won out and she quickly closed the window. Puffing into her hands to warm them, her mind whirled in a million directions. She needed to really think about this. How could she lose consciousness safely? Was there such a thing as safe unconsciousness? Didn’t they put people in comas sometimes?

  Emily remembered a time when Jeremy’s mother had been in the hospital after a bad fall. Mrs. Evans had gotten hurt when the family went skiing, had fractured her back in several places. Emily remembered Jeremy telling her how they had induced a coma to ensure that she didn’t hurt her back more severely.

  It was possible. She could do it. But the technicalities seemed to be overwhelming. How in the world could she induce a coma? How could she possibly get her hands on the drugs that would do the trick?

  Then she was overcome by an almost hysterical laughter. She lived with an addict. Maybe her mom could prove useful after all. Emily made a beeline for her mother’s bathroom at the end of the hall. Opening the medicine cabinet she was disappointed to see that the only thing it held was a bottle of Tylenol.

  Goddamn her mother and her new found sobriety. She laughed again. To think she was actually cursing her mother’s efforts at becoming clean. What had she come to? Here she was, trying to score drugs from her mother, who would have thought it?

  But then Emily was gripped by an irrational desperation. There had to be something here that could help her! How would she ever be able to find the drugs she needed otherwise? She began to pull things out of the cabinet under the sink. Her mother had to have overlooked something.

  Emily wracked her brain thinking of her mother’s numerous hiding places for drugs. She looked behind the toilet, the bedside table, the closet. Nothing. Her panic began to escalate and she ransacked her mother’s room in a futile search for something, anything that could help her.

  After a half an hour, Emily gave up. Her mom had cleaned everything out. She knew she should be proud of her mother, but just then she couldn’t summon up any feelings but anger and frustration.

  Now that her plan was made, she needed to find a way to follow through. Emily began to think about who sold drugs at her school. How could she buy something without getting caught? Her plan careened dangerously out of control as she thought of a million scenarios to score the drugs she needed to get to Tavin.

  Her cell phone began to buzz in her pocket. It broke her out of her obsessive thought process. Looking at the display, she saw Sasha’s number. Answering it, she attempted to calm the panic that tinged her voice.

  “Hello?” “Hey Emily! Jer and I couldn't agree on a movie. Surprise there. Can you believe he expected me to see that new slasher movie in that franchise that has like fifteen sequels? I mean, really?”

  Emily barely listened to Sasha as she spoke, her mind a thousand miles away, on her now concrete agenda. “Emily! Are you listening to me? Are you okay?” Her friend’s concern finally broke through her concentration. “I’m fine Sasha. So, you didn't go see a movie?”

  She could hear Sasha's frustrated sigh. “I just told you we couldn't agree on a movie. Now I'm home and wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner. Mom and Dad are out but mom made spaghetti before she left. I know how you love mom's spaghetti.”

  As if on cue, Emily's stomach growled loudly. Sasha laughed. “Girl, I heard that. I'll take that as a
yes.”

  “Sure, I’ll head over in a few.” Emily told her, reaching for a band and pulling her hair back from her face. “No, actually I’ll come get you.” Sasha jumped in. Emily frowned. “Okay. I’ll meet you out front in five minutes.” “Cool! I'll be right there.” Sasha hung up abruptly. Emily was left staring at her phone, her plans to find Tavin temporarily on hold.

  Five minutes later, on the dot, Sasha pulled up out front and beeped her horn. Emily hurried into Sasha’s car. “Hey, so where’s the fire?” Emily asked jokingly. Sasha grinned. “I'm starving and my appetite waits for no one!” Emily propped her arm on the window and leaned her head on her hand. “Your hunger is unmerciful.” She quipped. Sasha and Emily's stomachs growled in unison and they burst out laughing.

  After arriving at Sasha's house, the girls ran through the front door. Emily was breathless by the time they reached the kitchen. Sasha was laughing and for a moment Emily remembered the simplicity of her life before the nightmares...before Tavin. And it made her sad. Because she missed the carefree existence not mired down by secrets and lies. Sasha had always seen her so clearly and it scared Emily that she was able to deceive her so completely. What kind of person did that make her?

  She turned her Nan's ring around on her finger, noticing the way it cut into her skin. Was love really worth it? Was it worth losing everything?

  “Wow, that's incredible! I don't think I've ever seen this before.” Sasha picked up Emily's finger and scrutinized the ring. “Are those diamonds?” Sasha asked, squinting over it. Emily gave a dry chuckle. “Yes, Sash. They're real.” Sasha gave a low whistle. “Rollin' in the bling I see.” Emily rolled her eyes. “Bling really? What is this 2001? You are so lame.”

  Sasha threw a dish towel at her. “Whatever Em.” Emily took a seat at the counter and continued to twist the ring compulsively. The piece of jewelry was making it hard to focus. It made her process and think about everything ad nauseum. Because Tavin was gone, lost to her...or was he? Could she get to him really?

  “Hello, Emily? You there?” Sasha waved her hands in front of her face. “Huh?” Emily asked, blinking rapidly. Sasha stuck her tongue out. “I asked where the ring came from.”

  “Oh, it was my Nan's. I found it in some junk earlier.” Emily couldn't take her eyes off the delicate gold. “You found it in junk? Way to take care of stuff with sentimental value.” Sasha said sarcastically. Emily tore her eyes away from her hand and gave a wry smile. “I was like ten when I put it in the box...give me a break.”

  Sasha pulled the Tupperware container out of the microwave and spooned spaghetti into two bowls and slid one down the counter toward Emily. Stopping it before it went off the edge; Emily picked up her fork and dug in. They ate in companionable silence; the only noise was their very loud slurping.

  When they were done, Sasha shoved the bowl away from her and groaned. “Dear God I think I'm gonna pop. I need to lie on the couch.” Sasha waddled into the living room. Emily laughed, following her.

  “Yeah, whatever. I have to go the bathroom, so make yourself comfy, just leave a blanket for me alright. Be right back.” Emily headed down the hallway.

  After washing her hands, she felt the tell-tale signs of a headache. Emily rubbed her temples and knew she’d have to take something or she would be miserable in about thirty minutes. Opening the medicine cabinet she started rummaging around for some something to take.

  A pill bottle dropped out of the cabinet and rolled into the sink. Without thinking, Emily picked it up and started to put it back into the cabinet. She didn’t know what made her stop and look at the bottle. It was prescribed to Sasha’s mother and was dated six months ago.

  Percocet. It had been filled after Mrs. Reynolds had her knee surgery. Reading the warnings on the side of the bottle, she realized it must be some sort of pain killer. Not knowing what possessed her, she tucked the bottle into her pocket and quickly downed two Ibuprofen.

  Coming back into the kitchen, she could hear Sasha on the phone, obviously with Jeremy. The bottle of pills felt like a ten pound weight in her pocket. She felt horrible. She had just stolen pills from her best friend’s parents. So not only was she a liar, but a thief. Awesome!

  Sasha, realizing Emily had come out of the bathroom, quickly got off the phone. Emily couldn’t meet her eyes, her shame was too much. But she couldn’t put the pills back. In that moment she had picked up the pills her plan came to her with startling clarity. This was her chance. With these pills she could find Tavin. And she realized she had made her choice. She had decided love was worth it.

  Sasha, misreading Emily’s awkwardness, launched into another lengthy appeal about her relationship with Jeremy. “Are you sure it doesn't bother you? Because I'm beginning to think it does and I don't want it to make us weird and you know that I love you...way more than I could ever love some stupid boy.” She rambled on.

  Emily moved away from her friend, the pills felt hot in her pocket. “I told you I was fine with it. Can we move on already?” Her voice was clipped and she knew she was being rude. Sasha quieted and looked hurt.

  “Sorry Sasha. I just don’t want you to over analyze everything. Just enjoy yourself. Be happy.” Emily softened her tone, pulling her sweater down over her noticeably budging left pocket.

  Sasha relaxed. “Oh, okay. I guess I'm just being super sensitive about it. You know Liz had to make some bitchy comment about it today.” Sasha went into the living room, and Emily, with no other option, followed her. “Really, what did she say?” Emily asked, not really caring. She only half listened to Sasha's story about Liz Clindenst and her nasty comment of the day. Any other time she would have loved to hear about Liz being taken down a peg, but tonight her thoughts were far away from that living room.

  The two girls sat on the couch, watching a rerun of Seinfeld. Sasha made small talk and Emily tried to respond normally. But she was too distracted by what it was she was planning to do. She wanted nothing more than to leave and go home, but she didn’t want to give Sasha the wrong impression.

  After a couple of hours, Emily made a big show of yawning and stretching. “Tired?” Sasha asked. Emily nodded. “Maybe I should head home.” She started to root around for her shoes that she had kicked off earlier. Sasha tossed the blanket to the other end of the couch. “You could spend the night you know. We haven't done that in ages.” Sasha suggested, her eyes sparkled with the idea.

  “Not tonight Sash. I'm bone tired.” Emily felt bad for shooting her down. Tonight she had other plans. Plans that she hoped wouldn't make it so she never saw her friend again.

  That thought made Emily slightly sick with the realization of what she was going to do. Maybe Tavin had been right, she did have a death wish. No! Emily touched the ring again. This was for something else entirely. This was so she could live her life...not end it.

  “Well, I guess we should go then.” Sasha got up and went looking for her car keys. Emily smiled as she heard her friend's grumbling curses as she tried to find them. It was so Sasha; she could never keep track of anything. Listening to the total normalcy, Emily felt her eyes thicken with tears. What if she never saw Sasha again? Or Jeremy? Or god help her...her mother?

  Emily jumped up and hurriedly threw on her jacket, trying to dispel the negative thoughts. This would work. It had to work. She would not accept failure.

  Sasha finally found her keys and they went out to the car in silence. Before Sasha went around to the driver's side Emily touched her shoulder. Sasha looked back at her. “What Em?” She asked in her abrasive manner. Emily opened her mouth to say something...but felt the words get caught in her throat. So she just shook her head. “Nothing, just loves ya is all.” Sasha cocked her eyebrow. “Uh, okay...you must be sick.”

  Getting into the car, Emily felt horrible. She put her hand in her pocket; the bottle of meds seemed to burn her hand like a brand.

  Chapter 39

  Tavin watched and he waited. He had no idea how long he had been in the Abyss, trapped like
an animal. All he knew was he continued to feel stronger and healthier, being sated by Emily's fear and terror.

  The only way to tell the time of day was by the tug he felt through the bond between him and Emily. He knew when she fell asleep because that's when she would begin to feed him. He wished with everything in him he could refuse it, stop it from happening, but he could do nothing.

  So during those hours, Tavin was captive to the now repugnant waves of sustenance that found him. He couldn't move, so he lay watching the thick black sky. It seemed to go on like this for weeks. Night after night, he was fed. But then once it was over, the true horror of his situation sunk in. Just as he would begin to feel his strength he would be brutally attacked by his brothers and drained dry. Tavin had heard whispers of this method for taking another demon's power, but had never witnessed it. Now he was subjected to it each and every night.

  Rameel would hold him down, with the assistance of at least three of their brothers and would place his mouth to the back of Tavin's neck, just at the base of his skull. The feel of his mouth was disgusting and if he could have freed himself he would have ripped Rameel's head from his body.

  The feeling that would overtake him during the attack was unlike anything Tavin had ever experienced. The only thing he could liken it to was rape. It was a forceful violation that literally pulled his essence out of his body. It never lasted long but when Rameel was finished, Tavin felt like he was about to die all over again. Instead of the gradual fading he had experienced when he stopped feeding, this was an instant destruction of his power.

  Rameel would then saunter around him, bloated on Tavin's power and Tavin swore revenge. He would make Rameel pay for this, however long it took.

  It was an endless cycle. Feeding him and then sucking him dry. If he hadn't focused on Emily and his burning hatred for his mother and his demon brothers, he would have given up. It was such a dichotomy, this love and hate all rolled up into one mass of feeling in his gut. Lilith wanted to break him. She wanted nothing less than his absolute and complete submission to her. But he wouldn't give it. She would never have anything of him now. Whatever pity or loyalty he had once felt for his mother was long gone.