Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Tavin half expected Lilith to show up, to taunt and tease him. But she hadn't come to see him. Lilith surprisingly had kept her distance, sending instead an army of his brothers for babysitting duty. At first it was just Rameel and three others; Balthazar, Andras and Moloch. They watched him at night and drank from him every day, sucking him dry until he was a shell of himself. But over time he noticed more and more demons congregating within the Abyss. Tavin clearly picked up on Rameel's anger as more and more demons were showing up.

  Rameel obviously thought himself the leader, but it seemed Lilith didn't entirely trust her new second in command to do what he was supposed to do.

  And suddenly the feedings became less frequent and he noticed less fear through his marked bond with Emily. The daily violations stopped. Tavin had no idea why Lilith was letting up, and why his brothers had stopped draining him, but he knew there was a bigger reason to all of this.

  And in the reprieve he began to pay attention to his surroundings, to his demon brothers whose nervous presence bothered him. What had them on edge? Why the large numbers to watch him? Especially now that he had been fed from over and over again. His strength was a far cry from what it had been.

  Once, he tried to make small talk with Rameel, but was effectively ignored. Tavin was surprised and disappointed. Rameel had never failed to rise to a barbed comment or two. So what was going on?

  Finally after what had felt like an eon, he began to notice a pattern. The nights he was fed, the numbers of his demon brothers increased. The amount ebbed and flowed, some days there would be forty of them, some days twenty.

  Tavin was also able to tune into a subtle change in the atmosphere on those days when his brothers hovered close by. Something was noticeably different while he was being fed from Emily's dreams. The atmosphere seemed to pop and Tavin began to suspect that perhaps his prison wasn't entirely foolproof.

  “Do I scare you that much that I need forty guards? You flatter me.” Tavin taunted Rameel. Tavin was sitting in the same copse of trees where he had his meeting with Sanvi. He could make out the shadowy shapes of his brothers throughout the trees but Rameel was the closest. He seemed to be tasked with staying with him at all times.

  Rameel's jaw tensed at Tavin's words but he said nothing. Hmm, Tavin would have to try another tactic. “It seems our illustrious mother has very little faith in you if you need so much back up.” Tavin twirled a blade of grass between his fingers, watching Rameel the entire time.

  “Shut up.” Rameel growled. Good, he had gotten to him. It would only be a matter of time until he cracked. Tavin laughed. “Poor little demon, stuck babysitting his big bad brother...how sad and pathetic you've become.” Rameel swung around, his red eyes flashing. “I said, shut up!” He roared and lunged for Tavin.

  Tavin didn't make a move; he let Rameel plow into him, knocking him backwards. Rameel wrapped his hands around Tavin's neck and squeezed with a ferocious strength that actually hurt.

  But Tavin wouldn't let him see that. “What? Did I hit a little too close to the mark? Why do you think Lilith keeps sending the others? Because she knows you are no match for me! That's why I have always been the favorite and you're just a sniveling idiot.” Tavin grinned as Rameel's hand clenched into a fist and it made contact with Tavin's nose. He could taste the blood that dripped into his mouth but he didn't move to wipe it away.

  Tavin continued to mock Rameel. Using the other demon's insecurity and need to please their mother as a means to get him to talk. Finally after Rameel had pummeled Tavin's face, he let a vital piece of information slip. “You think I'm the idiot? If you were so smart you would realize you could have left at any time! Lilith thinks you are so smart, that you could easily figure everything out...but here you are...MY prisoner. So who's in control now?” Rameel hit Tavin again and Tavin purposefully went weak.

  Rameel didn't even realize what he had given away. What a moron! Lilith must have been desperate to leave the demon in charge of anything. Lilith's loophole was glaringly obvious now that he had been giving the one detail he needed. Lilith was vesting so much energy into terrorizing Emily that she wasn't able to hold the portals closed. She needed her children to play muscle as a means to keep Tavin compliant.

  But he by no means wanted Rameel to know that he had figured it all out, so Tavin played dead. Not wanting to call attention to the truth that had just spilled out of Rameel's lips. Let Rameel think he had all the power, that Tavin was weak and non-threatening.

  Rameel flashed a satisfied smile and got to his feet, wiping Tavin's blood from his hands. Without saying another word, Rameel resumed his post. Tavin slowly sat up and pushed his hair back from his eyes.

  Revenge would be Lilith's undoing. His mother was much too blinded by her hatred of Emily to realize what a deadly enemy she had made. And that was his ticket out of there. He just had to wait until the time was right. And perhaps he needed to rethink his allegiances. Tavin's thoughts simmered around his brief meeting with Sanvi and what they wanted of him. He hated to give that pompous ass the satisfaction of being right. But now wasn't the time for pride.

  He sent out a call. One he knew would be heard. He would get out of there. Then he would find Lilith and end it all. And then he would find Emily.

  Just the thought of her made his insides quiver. Emily.

  And so he waited.

  Chapter 40

  The porch light was on when Emily got home, a sign that her mother was back from her AA meeting. And for the first time, she was glad. She wanted to see her mother. Needed to see her, actually.

  Sasha dropped her off out front and blew her a kiss before speeding off down the road. Emily stood there watching until her friend was out of sight. Tiredly, she walked to the front door. Now that she was home and the reality of what she was going to do tonight set in, she felt an overwhelming urge to put things right with her mom.

  One couldn’t undo a lifetime of bitterness and anger in twenty minutes, but she wanted to give it a shot. Walking into the house, she found her mom sitting on the couch in the living room; reading the Bible. Emily felt that familiar twinge of annoyance at her mom's new obsession but quickly tamped it down. Her mom would need her religion should things go badly tonight. So for once Emily didn't hold it against her.

  Emily went and sat beside her on the couch. Her mother looked up in surprise. “Hi Em.” She said in her raspy voice. “Hey mom. How are you?” Her mother looked good. Her typical bloated appearance was gone and her face had slimmed. Her hair, the same color as her daughter’s was in a French twist and she wore a little make up. She looked healthy and happy.

  “Pretty good sweetie. More importantly how are things with you? You’ve been looking so tired lately. I’ve been worried about you.” Her mother moved as if to touch Emily’s hair, but thought better of it.

  Emily grabbed her mom’s hand and held it in her lap. The physical contact clearly shocked her mother, but it seemed to fill the older woman with an intense happiness. They sat that way for a while, Emily cradling her mother’s hand in hers. “I’m okay mom. You don’t need to worry about me.” Normally those words would have been laced with bitterness and sarcasm. Not tonight. This time she spoke to her mom softly and with a genuineness that had been lacking in every other exchange she could recall them having.

  Her mother was clearly aware of the change as well. “Well, believe it or not, I do worry about you Emily. I know I have never really shown it before. But I’ve learned some things in the last few weeks. Some things that have taught me what kind of person I want to be. I want to be there for you. You deserve to have a mother who gives a damn, and I’m determined to be that for you.”

  Emily looked into her mother’s sober eyes and saw that they were wet with unshed tears. Without thinking twice, she hugged her mother, breathing in the smell of her vanilla soap on her skin. Her mother stiffened and then realizing that Emily wasn’t pulling away, she wrapped her arms around her daughter and simply held on.

  E
mily couldn’t stop the tears that began to roll down her cheeks and she finally succumbed to the tidal wave of emotions. She shook and shuddered and through it all, her mother held her. Emily was comforted in a way she hadn't been since she was a child. It felt good and she realized how much she needed it still.

  When she finally quieted down, her mother sat back and wiped the final tears from her face. “What’s wrong Emily? I know you probably don't want to tell me. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here. I promise.” Emily was so tempted to tell her mom everything. Just as she had been tempted to spill it all to Sasha.

  But she didn’t. So instead she shrugged and gave a small hiccup. “It’s nothing mom. I’m just feeling emotional lately.” She pulled her fingers through her hair and loosened the pony tail at the base of her neck.

  Her mother touched the necklace that hung around her neck. “You still wearing it, I see.” Emily nodded. Her mother smiled. “I’m glad. The Lord can protect you in ways that I can’t Emily. Remember that.” Emily almost rolled her eyes, as she had done every time her mother mentioned her new found faith.

  But she didn’t. Her mother’s belief in God was a profound comfort for her and who was Emily to discourage that. It was horribly selfish to belittle something that obviously meant so much to her mom. So instead she hugged her again and then stood up.

  “I’ve got homework to do. So I’m going to head on up to my room.” Emily picked up her book bag that still sat at the base of the stairs and slung it over her shoulder. Her mother had picked her Bible back up and was trying to find her spot.

  Emily stopped and watched her mother for a moment. “I love you mom. I really do.” Her mother looked up at her and Emily saw tears trailing down her weathered cheeks. “I love you too, baby girl.” The two stared at each other and Emily, filled with a glowing warmth, went upstairs.

  After getting a shower, Emily went through her drawers and found her favorite pair of pajamas. Fuzzy pink and covered with tiny elephants. They had been a gag gift from Sasha last Christmas. But right now, she wanted to snuggle down in them. They were warm and comforting and she needed that right now.

  She tried to ignore the bottle of pills that sat, waiting on her bedside table. They seemed to glow like a neon light. Emily went around her room, dimming lamps and lighting candles. She had this perverse need to set the mood just right. It looked as if she were planning a romantic rendezvous rather than possibly overdosing on drugs.

  Going to her desk, she picked up the pile of pictures from her photography trip and found the one of her and Tavin as Chris. She focused on his blue eyes that seemed to blaze from the page. Emily closed her eyes a moment and she could have sworn she could still smell cinnamon.

  Emily twisted her Nan's ring again. “This is for Tavin.” She whispered to herself, getting strength from the words. She reached up and touched the cross that hung around her neck. Her mother had been so sure it would help her. If only it had been that easy. So Emily slowly unclasped the necklace and let it slip down her body until it fell to the floor beside her.

  She listened to her mother move around down stairs. Waiting for when she would finally go to bed. It seemed to take forever. Emily’s impatience grew until she almost talked herself out of her plan.

  Finally, the house grew quiet. Emily got up and checked the hallway, everything was dark. It was time. She closed her door, but for once didn’t lock it. Lying on her bed, she held the bottle, shaking the pills so they rattled. Then finally she took out four pills. Holding them in her hand, she felt her palm get sweaty. Was four too many? Not enough?

  Before she could second guess herself, she unscrewed the cap of her water bottle. In one smooth motion, she swallowed them, the chalky texture sticking in her throat. Then Emily lay back on her pillow and waited for the dark.

  Chapter 41

  Suddenly Emily was on her beach. The sun beat down on her back and the water gently lapped at her toes. The sand was warm under her bare feet and she looked down at herself. She was still wearing her pajamas and she started feeling extremely warm. Looking around, she realized she was completely alone.

  Tavin wasn’t here obviously. What was she supposed to do now? Feeling a sense of failure she sat down on the sand and dug her fingers into the tiny grains. She let the granules slide through her hand, watching them filter through, over and over again.

  Sitting there on their beach she thought only of him. Of the first time he had shown himself to her and that feeling that she had known him forever. Their connection had been instantaneous, for now obvious reasons. Emily thought of her first impression of him. The boy with dark hair and impossibly blue eyes. Now that she thought about the experience with clear eyes, she realized even then she had been a little in love with him.

  Concentrating on that feeling, that need that always coursed through her body when they were apart only to spill over into something else entirely when they were together. Love. That's what they had. As improbable as it had been, her dream boy had fallen in love with her and she with him. It had gone against everything that he was but it had happened nonetheless.

  Emily needed to see him, to find him. She concentrated so hard that she felt weak and light headed. Tavin. Tavin. She thought of his scent and swore she could smell the cinnamon that rolled off of him like the waves lapping at her feet.

  Tavin. Tavin. Tavin.

  And just like that, Emily was falling like Alice dropping through the rabbit hole. She landed with a decisive thud on a soft cushioning of sand. But this sand was very different than the beach she had just left. She struggled to stand up, her feet sinking into the fine grains. She had a hard time finding her balance and she rocked unevenly for a few moments until she got her footing.

  Emily finally looked around her. As far as the eye could see was nothing but sand, rolling dunes of white. She peered into the sky. It was the same milky white as the sand, no color, no sun. More like a blank piece of paper. Overall it was a barren wilderness and caused feelings of depression to unfurl in her gut.

  Emily felt like sinking down onto the grainy ground and staying there. The despair was overwhelming and overrode every thought. Why had she come here? There was nothing in her life, nothing but this. Why not just lay down here and let the sadness overtake her?

  She fell to her knees and tried to come to grips with what was going on. She had a reason for being here in the first place. What was it? She thought hard. It hurt to think. Emily cradled her head in her hands and rocked back and forth.

  She knew there was something she was supposed to be doing. What was it? Emily fell to her side and began to stroke the smooth surface of a ring on her finger. Feeling the pointed edges of the diamonds, her memory twinged.

  Then it hit her. Her purpose, her reason for being there. Tavin. He was her purpose and she had to find him.

  She summoned what little strength she had and got to her feet. Trying to get her thoughts together she looked around her, looking for a clue as to why her thoughts of Tavin brought her here.

  Where was here? Looking around, she tried not to feel the despair that sat on the edge of her conciousness. Why in the world would Tavin be in such a place?

  Well, she wouldn’t find anything by just standing there like an idiot. She needed to move, do something, anything. So, slowly and with unsteady steps, she began to walk. The sand was difficult to move through. It seemed to grip at her feet like tiny hands trying to suck her under.

  Several times she had to wrench her feet free from the sucking depths of sand. Her heart hammered in her chest and she admitted that she was scared. Emily remembered how she came to be here. The pills she had taken, the toll that would take on her body.

  Emily began to yell internally at herself. She could easily die. It was a very real possibility. If not by the pills then Lilith would surely finish her off.

  The reality of that hit her suddenly. She may have very well risked it all, everything to find him. And she may not find him. Tavin could be lost to her forev
er. This was a shot in the dark, literally. She made her decision based on a whim goaded by a nostalgic memory of her Nanny's grand love story.

  Shaking her head, she ridded herself of the negative thoughts. Emily couldn’t allow herself to doubt her choices. She needed to be sure, to be confident in her path. It was her only hope at finding Tavin, of being able to possibly save both of them.

  Emily kept walking. Walking and walking and when she felt as if she couldn’t go on, she walked some more. At least there’s no sun, Emily thought grudgingly. She looked for anything positive at that point.

  She let the memories of Tavin filter through her brain. She remembered his disarmingly charming smile, his delicious black curls. The way he smelled, of earth and cinnamon. The way his eyes, had filled with emotion as he told her how he loved her. The incredible closeness she felt with him that made her feel as if they were two pieces of one soul. He was her fate…not this dreadful place.

  Her memories fortified her as nothing else could. Her legs were heavy with exhaustion, the sweat sticky on her cheeks but she kept going. He needed her and she wouldn't fail him.

  Emily may have been walking for hours, or it could have only been a few minutes. But after what felt like an eternity she came to the top of a dune and stopped. Standing 100 yards away was the most terryifying structure she had ever seen.

  It reminded Emily of some huge medival castle. It was complete with turrets and a draw bridge. But there was something definitely wrong about it. There seemed to be a darkness that permeated the air.

  This was it. This place held her answers, she just knew it. But she was hesitant to move foreward. It felt like the end of the road. This was the final piece of the complex puzzle and now that she was faced with it, she found that she was almost scared of it. The ending of it all.