Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Why would the angels help you? Aren't you mortal enemies or something?” She asked. Tavin cocked his eyebrow at her and snorted at her question. “Yeah we're something like that...or at least we used to be.” He answered.

  “Sanvi had come to me before, trying to cconvince me to join them. They wanted me to help them destroy Lilith. He seemed to think I was her weakness, that she had a queer obsession with me, that it blinded her and made her vulnerable. Sanvi is nothing if not practical. He knew I was their best chance at finally getting to Lilith. He also told me about the Redeeming.”

  His voice held a level of reverence when he said that word. All earlier anger gone, a quiet peace settled over him and Emily stared at him in awe.

  “The Reedeming?” Emily asked softly. “Yes, it is when a demon can put aside his very nature and sacrifice himself for the greater good. It is then that one can transcend hell and be Redeemed.” He quoted. “So, have you become an angel then?” Emily asked the obvious.

  “Yes, I suppose I am. I had to sacrifice myself, put myself in death’s way in a completely selfless act.” Tavin looked down at her with a love that was so amazing in its purity that made her heart stop. Emily touched his face and he leaned into her hand, bringing his own up to hold hers.

  “What did you do to her? To Lilith? Is she...dead?” Emily watched a myriad of emotions pass over Tavin's face. Anger, fright, panic and guilt. It was all there. Even after turning his back on his mother, it was very obvious that Tavin felt awful for betraying her. Family relationships are always so complicated, Emily thought wryly.

  “No, she's not dead.” His words brought a moment of anxiety. She wasn't dead? What would that mean for her? Tavin held her face between his hands. “She won't hurt you again Emily. I swear to you. I weakened her, for now. When I came in and found her on top of you, literally pulling your soul from your body, I lost it. I remember pulling her off of you and putting my mouth to her neck, taking her strength and her power.” His words were pained and Tavin closed his eyes in recollection. “She screamed at me to stop...but I didn't. I wanted to take it all Emily. I wanted to kill her. My own mother! I would have done it too if...” He stopped suddenly.

  “Then what happened? How did she get away?” Emily asked. Tavin shook his head. “I'm not really sure. One minute I had a hold of her the next, she had wrenched free and then the ceiling was falling on top of us. I knew I had to get to you before you were crushed.” Tavin said quietly.

  Emily remembered Lilith’s screams as she lay paralyzed on the floor, the loud noises and the feel of rock raining down on her. And unbidden, she remembered Lilith’s face as she retold her story of how it all began. The horrible vulnerability there and the way Emily had wanted to reach out to her. She quickly got rid of that thought. She wouldn’t allow herself to feel any sympathy for Lilith. But despite that, she couldn’t stop thinking about Lilith's tale.

  “So what happens now?” Emily asked, dreading what he would tell her. Because by the look on Tavin's face, he wasn't happy about it. Tavin looked away. “Now I have to go and find her. That's the bargain.” Emily frowned. “You have to hunt your mother for them?” She couldn't help the incredulous tone. Tavin nodded. “In return for my wings, I have to join them and help destroy Lilith once and for all.”

  “Wait, I thought you were Redeemed, how can they be responsible for your wings? Isn't that all because of you?” She was confused by Tavin's indebtedness to the angels. “That's true, partly. When I chose to save you Emily I was able to transcend my nature as a demon. But they gave me my wings and allowed me to become this.” He indicated his wings as they quivered behind Emily.

  Emily felt her shoulders slouch. She felt childish but she couldn't hide her disappointment and sadness at having overcome so much, only to have him lost to her again.

  Reading her as he always did, Tavin hugged her tightly and kissed her lips. “I know this seems unfair. After all we've been through to be together. But I have to do this. I have to end it for good. I will find a way for us to be together Emily. For real, in your world. I promise you.” He told her emphatically.

  Emily tried to smile, but she felt too disheartened. Tavin only held her. “So are you going to tell me how you got here?” He asked into her hair. Emily sighed. Here we go, she thought. But she told him everything. About the pills, her time with Lilith, even her feelings of compassion at hearing the demon's story. She left nothing out. Then she braced herself for Tavin's condemnation.

  To her surprise, it never came. He shook his head. “It was a dangerous thing to do Emily, but I know you know that. I'm not judging you. I have just turned our worlds upside down. How can I give you any grief for your actions? I can tell by your life force that any damage you've incurred will not be long term. And I can heal you Emily. I can make you wake up and be good as new.” Tavin laughed and shook out his wings. “I guess there are some perks to this new gig.” He joked.

  He could heal her? Emily thought. But she leaned into him and kissed him on the mouth. He seemed a bit surprised by the suddenness of her action but then melted into her. “What was that for?” He asked, pushing her hair back from her face. “It's because I love you Tavin. You can heal me...but later. We have tonight to be together, let's enjoy it.” She whispered.

  He didn't argue. Instead he leaned into her and took her lips almost savagely, as if he couldn't hold himself back any longer. Their bodies and souls melted together in a perfect union. Every moment of happiness and bliss encapsulated in this one amazing moment. Tavin kissed the line of her jaw, twining his fingers in her hair.

  If she could have disappeared inside of him, she would have. It felt as if everything in her life had been building to this. She had never desired a physical relationship with any boy she had dated. Now she understood that she had been subconsciously waiting for this.

  Where she ended, Tavin began. They molded together in complete unison; one body and one mind. He anticipated her every need and he gave himself completely to her. Emily felt privileged to hold him like this, with the absolute understanding that he was for her alone.

  She must have told him she loved him a thousand times. He, repeating her words with equal devotion. When they were sated, they lay together, quiet and without needing to say a thing. Emily found herself staring at the individual pieces of him; his dark black hair, the perfect curve of his cheek bones, his long and slender fingers splayed across her skin.

  “I will come back to you Emily. No matter what. I promise…” She put her finger over his lips. “No promises Tavin. Let's just have this. Okay? Please?” Tavin didn't say anything but he slowly began weaving his hands above her skin, a soft light slanting from his palms. Emily felt tingly all over, a surging wakefulness that jarred her senses. She knew he was healing her and that she was leaving him.

  Emily lay in Tavin's arms as the world around her slowly melted, bleeding into the one she left behind. She was gaining consciousness. “Tavin.” She said, wanting to put into words the millions of thoughts that pushed themselves through her brain. Instead she simply kissed him once more, her lips saying every promise that she couldn't verbalize.

  She smiled and felt such a tremendous love that it threatened to tear her in two. “I love you Emily.” Tavin's voice whispered as he disappeared into the light. “I love you.” She whispered back, not knowing whether he heard her.

  Chapter 46

  Nine months later

  “Emily! Did you eat the last of the Oreos and not get more?” Sasha demanded from the kitchen. Emily sat up from the couch in the living room, their living room, in their apartment.

  “Um, no Sash, you ate the rest of them last night. Remember?” Sasha came out of the kitchen and grinned at her sheepishly. “Oh yeah. Sorry about that.” “Really Sasha, you were on a mission with those last night. It’s amazing how much food can fit into such a little body.” A deep voice called from the hallway.

  Emily looked up and watched Jeremy come up behind Sasha and kiss her neck tenderl
y. Sasha leaned into him briefly, closing her eyes. Emily looked away, feeling a little like a third wheel.

  It still amazed Emily that she never felt awkward or uncomfortable about Sasha and Jeremy's relationship. They slipped into it so easily; it was almost as if they had been together forever. Any residual feelings Jeremy may have had toward Emily were long gone and for that she was grateful.

  Emily had finally realized her dream and moved out of her mother’s house when she turned eighteen. Though the move wasn’t defined by anger or bitterness as she had once thought it would be. No, her mother had helped her cart her stuff across town in a U-Haul and into the place she now rented with Sasha. Instead of her apartment being an escape, it was now an eventual rite of passage. A positive step foreword in her life.

  Emily groaned as her two best friends kissed each other. “Yuck. Sasha, you have a bedroom!” Emily commented good naturedly, throwing a pillow at them. Jeremy laughed and kissed Sasha on the cheek and then sat next to Emily on the couch.

  He slung his arm around her shoulders, giving her a slight squeeze. “How are you doing Em? Ready for school to start on Monday?” Emily couldn’t summon any annoyance at the blanketed concern in his eyes.

  She knew Sasha and Jeremy and even her mother watched her, looking for what they thought would be a relapse.

  Nine months ago, after she had taken all those pills to find Tavin, she had been found uncouncious on the floor of her bedroom by her mother. The medics had been called and she had been rushed to the hospital.

  The doctors, her mother and her two best friends thought she had tried to kill herself. Emily had to be honest with herself, that that was indeed what it had looked like. So, of course they didn’t believe her when she attempted to reassure them that she had no desire to hurt herself. That it wasn’t what they thought. But how could she explain to an emergency room doctor that she took all those pills to see her demon boyfriend?

  Yeah, she would have been locked in a padded room for sure. So she allowed them to think the worst. She had been made to go to counseling twice a week for six months and she had to follow up once a month now.

  Emily thought she would have hated seeing a shrink, but the truth was, it had helped her. More then she had ever thought possible. She thought about all those years of fighting counseling, of professing no need for it. But Mr. Simmons was amazingly calm and insightful and he had helped her find some peace with her past. And in a round about way she had found peace with the craziness of the last year.

  Once Sasha and Jeremy had gotten her alone, they had unleashed on her. Sasha had been furious. She was even angrier when she found out that Emily had stolen the pills from her mother. Sasha threatened telling her mom. But after her anger had died down, she realized that wouldn’t do anything but make matters worse.

  Emily knew she had deserved the tongue lashing she received from both of them. But she understood that they had only been scared for her. After Sasha had exhausted herself by screaming at her best friend, the two of them simply cried and cried until there wasn’t a tear left between them.

  Emily was sick of crying though. She felt like the past year and half had been spent elbow deep in tears and she was over it. It wouldn’t make Tavin return any sooner and there was no use in wallowing in self-pity.

  Despite their words to the contrary, Emily knew that Jeremy and Sasha watched her carefully, looking for her to crack up. Sometimes she'd walk into the room and they'd quickly stop talking...a dead giveaway that she had been the topic of conversation. But she couldn't be angry about it. She would have been the same way if one of them had done something so stupid.

  Thinking of all she could have potentially lost made her cringe. But would she really have done anything differently? She had gotten to experience the most amazing moments of her life with someone who she loved beyond words.

  But Tavin was gone, for now. She went to sleep every night, hoping that somehow he would come to her. So far, she had been disappointed. She knew he would come when he was able, that he was off on his quest and that had to take precedence. She missed him, ached for him with every second of every day. But she knew she would see him again. She couldn’t allow herself to think otherwise.

  Emily squeezed Jeremy’s leg. “Yeah, I’m more than ready to get back into school. I’m jazzed about my photography class. I even went and bought myself a new lense for the occasion.” Emily said excitedly, showing Jeremy the new piece for her camera. “I’ve also been trying my hand at some new techniques…you know, broadening my horizons a bit.” She pulled the thick leather portfolio into her lap. She had filled Sasha’s gift with tons of pictures the last nine months.

  Emily’s heart hitched as she stared at the picture of Chris Riffey she had taken during the trip to Pinnacle Rock State Park. Tavin’s blue eyes stared back at her and she felt that he could see her.

  “I like the portraits Em. They’re really cool. There’s something about this one…” Sasha stared at the picture, her words trailing off the way they had the first time she had looked at the picture. There were times when Emily felt Sasha was so close to the truth, that she knew...something.

  But before Sasha could say anything more about it, Jeremy pounded his hand on her back in enthusiasm. He grinned at her. “That a girl. I’m so stoked for you!” Sasha grabbed the camera from Emily’s hands. “Smile you two.” Emily glared into the camera. She was always more comfortable with taking the pictures, than having them taken of her. Sasha pouted. “Come on Em. Give me that dazzling smile of yours.” Jeremy poked her side, making her laugh. Emily giggled and Sasha snapped the picture.

  She returned Emily’s camera to her. “That’ll be a good one. I want a copy.” Emily rubbed her hands over her camera, feeling it’s familiar smooth edges. She had been able to get almost a full ride to the community college and the rest she was subsidized with federal loans. Things seemed to fall into place for her so naturally. It all seemed…fated.

  She continued to sit on the couch, listening to Jeremy and Sasha decide on what movie they wanted to see that night. And when they invited her to join them, she politely declined. Knowing they needed time together, but also because she needed time to herself.

  Looking back at how far she had progressed in the past year, she barely recognized herself. She felt a confidence that had never been there before. She felt in control of her life, she was no longer a passenger with someone else at the wheel.

  Part of that was because of Tavin and the effect he had had on her life. But thinking honestly to herself, she knew that a good portion of that had to do with her. She had changed, and grown. She liked the person she had become.

  Sasha and Jeremy tried to get her to join them again, but she laughingly told them that they could do without the extra company. Jeremy protested this, telling her she was silly as Emily practically shoved them out the door.

  After they left, Emily puttered around the apartment, made herself a cup of herbal tea, steeping in cinnamon. She breathed in the rich scent, thinking of Tavin, almost feeling as if he were there with her.

  She picked up her camera and walked to the window. Snapping pictures of the trees reflected off the glass, she felt a renewed energy. It had been a long time since she had felt that creative spark. But now, holding the camera, she felt it strongly.

  The day slid away, darkness creeping in and overtaking the light. The night didn’t scare her the way it used to. Emily no longer felt the overwhelming fear at the prospect of sleep. Life was in many ways the normal one that she had always longed for. She was a typical teenager, getting ready to start college, looking forward to her future.

  Emily opened the sliding glass door leading out to the small balcony. The warm air wrapped around her like a blanket. She stared into the black night, focusing on the shadows of the woods behind her building. She couldn’t suppress the instinct to study them, looking for a figure blacker than the inky night. She stood that way for a while, still and barely breathing, waiting for something unexplai
nable. After ten minutes the only sound she heard was the last of the crickets’ song.

  When Emily snuggled down into her bed that night, she still left her night light on. Some habits were hard to break. She began to drift into the hazy place between sleep and awake. She felt loved, safe and secure.

  As she sank deeper and deeper into sleep she thought she felt the feather light touch of fingertips on her cheek. Then the delicious smell of cinnamon. She smiled knowing she would never feel alone again. Sleep over took her and she drifted into the waiting comfort of her dreams.

  Epilogue

  Lilith-location unknown

  Anger, hatred, and most of all sorrow. Anger she was used to but this gut wrenching sadness was new and not something she was comfortable with. She had lost so much. Had it taken from her violently and without any recourse. It was irrevocably changed and there was nothing she could do about it.

  She wasn’t one to accept any loss of control quietly. She had taken her life forcibally into her own hands and she was used to getting what she wanted. But now she was faced with an unknown that she couldn’t predict. She had no way of planning her next steps because everything was in turmoil.

  He had attacked her, in the worst possible way. Perhaps she wasn't one to judge given the way she had forced his acquittance. He had chosen a human, an impossible life, over the one she had given him. It was the worst form of betrayal and one that she wouldn't allow to go unavenged.

  Because she knew the bargain he had made, the bed he had chosen to lie in. She knew that he now wore the wings of her hated enemy. And she raged; she wanted to destroy everything.

  She felt a strange wetness on her face. She touched her skin and felt a coolness that was completely alien to her. She stared at the drop on the tip of her finger, feeling another one slide down her face.