Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  The clerk nodded and typed into the computer. He slid a keycard into a machine before producing it for Becky. “Here you go.”

  “Thank you.” Becky grabbed the key then turned to Anne. “This room has one of our best views.”

  “I’m sure it will be more than fine.”

  Becky started walking toward the elevator. “Is the divorce final?”

  “Yes, we signed the papers yesterday, in fact.”

  “How’s it feel?” Becky hit the button on the elevator.

  Anne shrugged. “Weird. It just feels weird. I mean, I’ve been looking forward to finalizing it, but now I’m numb. I don’t know how to feel.”

  “It takes some time.” Becky exhaled. “Hell, I’m still working on feeling normal again.”

  “Oh, don’t tell me that,” Anne replied, rubbing her forehead.

  The elevator doors opened and the two headed to the twelfth floor. Inside the suite was a separate living area and a bedroom with a large bathroom. The bathroom featured a marble tiled two-person shower and separate bathtub. Anne smiled in relief that the fixtures were white and not black.

  Gazing out the sliding door to the balcony, Anne sighed. “This is beautiful. Thank you.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “I want to pay for the room,” Anne said.

  “No.” Becky shook her head. “I won’t hear of it and I’m giving you a spa credit. You look like you could use some treatments.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Anne chuckled.

  “I didn’t mean it that way. Go get yourself a massage or a facial.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  Stepping to the sliding door, Becky headed out on the balcony. Anne joined her and the two stood together taking in the spectacular view. Anne took a deep breath, leaning over the railing enjoying the sight of the glorious pool. “This is perfect.”

  “Yes, it’s the best view.”

  “We should have dinner one night. I’ll buy.”

  “Definitely,” Becky replied. “Unfortunately, I’m going out of town early tomorrow, but I’ll be back in three days.”

  “I’ll be here.”

  “Great.” Becky’s phone rang. She pulled it from her pocket and answered the call. “Yes, be right there.”

  “I’ve got to run, but I’ll call when I get back.”

  “Sounds good,” Anne, said.

  20

  Eli, Nicole and Christie decided to grab a few groceries. Conveniently, a food store and a few restaurants were all within walking distance of the house. Heading home, they picked up takeout and a case of beer along the way. After enjoying their meals and a couple of beers the women sat on the sofa in the family room.

  Eli entered the room with three beers and placed them on the coffee table. “Did you guys pick out a movie?”

  Christie replied, “We’re still working on it.”

  Nicole was kneeling in front of a cabinet looking over the DVD collection. “How about Horrible Bosses?”

  “No, I just lost my job remember.” Eli rolled his eyes. “Let’s stay away from any workplace comedies or anything with boss in the title.”

  “Sorry.” Nicole cringed.

  Christie asked, “What else do they have?”

  “They have…” A stack of games on the lower shelf caught Nicole’s eye. “Wait, let’s play a game instead.”

  “No,” Christie replied.

  “Come on, it will be fun.” Nicole pulled Trivial Pursuit from the cabinet and held it up, smiling. “We’ll make it interesting.”

  “How?” he asked.

  “We’ll play strip drink trivia.” Nicole plopped down on the sofa; box in hand.

  “That sounds a little more exciting.” Eli flashed them a grin. “Maybe I’ll finally get to see you two naked.”

  “Maybe.” Christie removed some magazines from the table as Nicole opened the box.

  “It’s pretty simple. If you miss a question you drink and take something off.” Nicole paused a moment. “To make it fair, everyone make sure they have five articles of clothing.”

  “I only have four,” Eli replied.

  Christie pointed to his sock-covered feet. “Count your socks separately.”

  “I can do that.”

  “We’re going to need to do shots,” Nicole said. “The beer isn’t going to cut it.”

  “I saw some vodka in the freezer,” Eli said.

  “Perfect,” Nicole began. “Go get it while we set up.”

  The three started the game and after about an hour of playing, Eli had drunk two more beers and downed three large shots of vodka as he sat on the sofa wearing only his boxer briefs. The women were fairing a little better. Christie still wore her bra and panties while Nicole was currently winning. So far, the leader had only lost her shirt and socks.

  Eli took a sip of beer as he held the question card in his hand, his eyes showing signs of glazing over. He looked at Nicole, waiting for her answer.

  “The Boston Red Sox,” Nicole replied, beaming.

  Eli grumbled, “That’s right.”

  “She is from Boston.” Christie chuckled.

  “You guys are cheating.” Eli took another sip from his beer. “I’m getting all the hard questions.”

  “Stop being a baby.” Christie placed her bottle down then pulled the next card from the deck.

  Eli rolled the die then moved his pie piece, landing on a pink square. Christie read the card to herself and grinned. “Oh, it’s another movie question.”

  “Let me guess it’s a silent movie, right?” Eli asked.

  “A little more recent. From the seventies.”

  “Great.” He sneered at her.

  Christie began, “What film took home three Oscars in 1978 including best screenplay, lead actor and lead actress.”

  After sipping from his beer, Eli paused a moment, opened his mouth to speak then exhaled deeply. Finally, with his face contorted, he asked, “Really 1978?”

  “Yep, ‘78.”

  “Shit.” He sighed, gazing at the ceiling, shaking his head. “I’m going to go with Rocky.”

  Christie clicked her teeth. “Sorry. No. It was Coming Home.”

  Nicole clapped her hands together. “It’s time to take them off.”

  “Hold on.” Eli sucked down the rest of his beer before placing it on the table.

  Christie poured him a shot and placed it in front of him, flashing him a grin. “Here you go.”

  “We’ve been drinking too much this whole time with me and you and her.” Pointing at his friends wildly, Eli’s eyelids dipped closed.

  “What?” Christie asked chuckling, shooting Nicole a look.

  He forced his eyes open and attempted to focus on Christie as he said, “You know what I’m saying. Don’t screw with me.”

  “Sorry,” Christie replied covering her mouth to keep from laughing aloud.

  “What was I saying? That’s right. You guys keep making me drink too much. We should be doing other stuff, funner stuff.”

  “Just drink.” Christie rolled her eyes. “It’s your last one then you can relax and watch us play.”

  “Yeah, then we can do other stuff,” Nicole added.

  Eli sat up straight, placing his hands on his knees as his gaze went from Christie to Nicole. “I would like to see you guys naked. Like breasts and your”—he made some circular motion with his finger while nodding his head—“you know, that would be sorta cool.”

  “Uh-huh. Stop talking and…” Christie pointed to his glass.

  “Okay,” Eli said. Picking up the shot, he tossed it back. He blew out a breath, running his tongue around his mouth. “Wow.”

  “Now take them off.” Nicole moved to the edge of her seat.

  “All right. Geez.” He stood and swayed back and forth a little as he struggled to keep his eyes open. “What was that answer again?”

  “Coming Home,” Nicole replied.

  He said, “Oh, yeah. Coming home. Sometimes you come home and find two guys s
crewing your wife and you gotta look real close to figure out if they’re doing vaginal or anin…al.”

  “We’ve heard that story already.” Nicole shot him a tired look. “Now take them off.”

  Christy made a face. “Is anin…al even a word?”

  “I don’t think it is,” Nicole replied.

  “It most certainly is a word.” Eli nodded with as much drunken confidence as he could muster. “Anin…al. It’s the act of anal sex. Look it up. It’s the old backdoor.” He stood for a moment longer before he closed his eyes and flopped back down on the sofa. “Plowing the back ten acres or something or other, I think.”

  “You’re funny when you drink.” Christie shared a smile with Nicole.

  “Thanks.” Eli forced his eyes open wide, wagging a finger at them. “Are either of you planning on taking anything off, ever?”

  “My socks are off.” Nicole held up a foot, pointing at it. “You can see my feet.”

  “I’d prefer to see your ass,” he quipped, bursting into laughter. “I’d even settle for a nipple at this point.”

  Christie held her head high. “Maybe if you didn’t suck at this game.”

  “Now come on.” Nicole motioned with her hand for him to get on with it. “Let’s see some penis.”

  “I’m getting bored,” Christie whined. “Don’t be shy!”

  “Hold on a second.” Grinning, Eli pushed himself up using the arm of the sofa and slowly rose to his feet. He hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his boxer briefs. Waggling his hips back and forth, he flashed them a silly smile. The young women cheered him on. He lost his balance, pulled his hands from his underwear and grabbed the sofa, barely catching himself from tumbling over. “Whoa.”

  “Be careful, Magic Mike,” Nicole cried out.

  “Are you ready for this?” Holding his hands out, he flashed them another goofy smile. He hooked his thumbs back into his underwear and returned to his dance moves. He pushed the front of his briefs lower to expose his pubic hair and the root of his manhood. “How do you like that?”

  “We want more.” Nicole whistled.

  “I’ve got more. A little more anyway.” He laughed aloud. He pushed the boxer briefs down then kicked them off. Turning, he shook his naked ass at them, bending at the waist and gazing back through his spread legs.

  The women cackled with laughter. He righted himself and spun quickly back toward them. Suddenly dizzied, he extended his arms to steady himself. His mouth dropped open as his eyes drifted closed. “Wow.”

  “You okay?” Christie asked, rising to her feet and reaching a hand out to him.

  “What?” He opened his eyes, and then shook his head. “I think I need to sit for a minute.” He fell on the sofa and slumped back smiling at his exposed flaccid penis. “Sorry, he probably should be harder right now. I just want you young ladies to know that I’m a grower.”

  “We know.” Nicole giggled. “We snuck a peek earlier.”

  “When?”

  “When you scared the hell out of Anne in the shower.”

  “Yes, I think he was more presentable then.” He covered his junk with his hands before nodding his head in an animated fashion. “I’m not letting you see it again until he’s really, really a lot happier.”

  “You’re a funny guy.” Christie sat down.

  “That Anne is cute too.” Lifting one hand away from his groin, he pointed at them one by one. “Fuck, yeah. All of you are cute. But she’s the only one I’ve seen naked so far.”

  “That’s going to change soon.” Christie rolled the die.

  Eli relaxed back, closing his eyes. “I hope it does. I think I want another beer.”

  “I think you’ve had enough,” Nicole said then she shared a look with her friend.

  “No, I’m fine.” Eli waved his hand at them as he struggled to open his eyes. “Let me get another beer. I’m celebrating and everything.”

  “You are?” Nicole humored him with a smile.

  “Yep, eventually someone has to win this thing and the other one will be joining me with the clothes off…nakedness.”

  “That’s right.” Christie giggled as she moved her pie piece.

  “Anyone else want one?” Rising to his feet precariously, he motioned to his penis and cackled with laughter. “I’m kidding. I didn’t mean penis. I meant a beerorino. Anyone want one?”

  “No,” Christie replied, holding back a laugh.

  “Okay, more for me.” He held his arms out once again to steady himself. “I’ll be right back. Don’t you dare look at my ass while I walk away.”

  “We won’t.” Nicole shook her head, laughing.

  “I’m joking. You can look at it. I think it’s my best feature.” Turning back to them, he nodded.

  With his first step, he bumped into the coffee table sending the empty bottles tumbling over. “Crap.”

  Christie rose to her feet quickly. “I think maybe you should take a seat.”

  With his eyes barely open, he leaned in close to her. “Maybe you’re right. Hey, we should call Savannah tonight.”

  “Let’s call her tomorrow. She’s probably still performing,” Nicole said.

  “Oh, yeah. Right, right, right.” Eli slumped back on the sofa then lay on his side, cradling a pillow under his head. “I was pretty good when I played with her that night wasn’t I?”

  “You were,” Nicole agreed.

  “Thanks.” He waved his hand at Nicole as his eyes closed. “I like you both better than my wife. She lets random guys bang her.”

  “We know,” Christie said.

  His eyes shot back open wide. “We should call my wife then.”

  “Why?” Christie sat down.

  “Because I bet she doesn’t know that one”—he counted off on his hand by pointing to his index finger—“I’m a rock and roll star.” With his eyes closed again, he paused then pointed to his next finger. “And B, that I’m here in Florida with two of the most attractive women on the country. I mean, in the planet.” He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head. “Wait, you know what I mean.”

  The girls shared a laugh.

  He pointed to his next finger and continued, “And three, um, she’s a giant whore-ish type of, uh, yeah…” Instead of finishing his train of thought, he passed out and started to snore quietly.

  The women shared another laugh and Christie said, “Maybe we should just let him rest for a minute.”

  “I’ll say.” Nicole got up, grabbed a throw from the back of the sofa and covered him with it.

  21

  The next morning Eli’s phone beeped with an alarm. He opened his eyes slightly and for only a moment, exhaling as he ran his tongue around his dry mouth. Turning to his side, he forced his eyes open fully as the alarm continued. He spotted the phone and stretched out to retrieve it, grimacing in pain with the effort. “Oh, shit.”

  He sighed, sitting upright as he attempted to focus on the phone. The screen read, “Conference Call with George.”

  “Crap.” He ran his hands over his face then down his stomach to his nakedness. Pushing the blanket off his body, a curious smile spread across his face. A frown replaced it quickly as he looked around the room discovering he was all alone. Slowly the memory of passing out came flooding back.

  He spotted his underwear near the sofa and grabbed it. After pulling it on, he slipped on the rest of his clothes and headed to the kitchen. There he dropped a K-cup of the strongest coffee he could find in the Keurig before heading upstairs.

  When he walked into the first master bedroom, he discovered Nicole and Christie sound asleep in the large bed. Christie nestled fully covered under the blanket. Nicole had the blanket almost totally pulled from her and she wore a little T-shirt and panties.

  Cocking his head, Eli admired the scene for a moment then he turned to go. Returning to the kitchen, he picked up the coffee and made his way back to the family room. Sitting at a table, he fired up his laptop and logged into the video conferencing app. He sipped his coffee, r
ubbing his aching head as he waited.

  Up North, George sat at a table in his office with two coworkers, Jim and Dave. In front of them was a large television screen with a camera attached to the top.

  Jim said, “I knew his wife had to be cheating on him.”

  “Yes, I think we all knew that,” George agreed. “But now somehow he’s off with two college girls.”

  “How’s that even possible,” Dave asked.

  “Got me.”

  Jim said, “Wait, so, he goes from one hottie to two.”

  “Lucky bastard,” Dave grumbled.

  Back in Tampa, Eli’s phone alarm beeped once again. He selected George’s contact profile and clicked to initiate the video connection. After rolling his tired eyes, he took a sip of coffee and exhaled sharply.

  When the screen brightened, George was sitting at a table with two other men.

  “Hey George, Jim.” Eli squinted at the screen. “Is that Dave?”

  “Yes, hey Eli,” Dave replied.

  Eli asked, “What are you doing in this meeting? You’re in sales.”

  “I, uh, George wanted me to sit in.” Dave shrugged.

  Eli said, “George, don’t you want Joe in this meeting?”

  “No.” George shook his head and muttered, “I’ll call him in if we need him.”

  “Whatever,” Eli said.

  In George’s office, the men turned their attention to the large screen and its view of Eli’s face. Behind Eli, they saw the gorgeous pool through the wall of windows behind him.

  George raised his eyebrows, smiling. “So where are your new friends?”

  Eli replied, “Sleeping.”

  “What happened last night?” George asked.

  “I thought this was supposed to be a general status call?” Eli gazed at the screen wearing a tired look.

  “Yeah, what’s the status of you getting laid?” George chuckled. “What’d you do wear ‘em out last night?”

  “No. Come on,” Eli groaned. “Are you having any system problems that we need to discuss? If not, I’d like to get back to—”

  “Yes, we, we’re having an issue with the, um”—George narrowed his eyes—“the report.”

  “Which report?”

  “The daily report,” George began. “Jim, which report is that?”