Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “It’s the, you know, the one that prints every morning and it has the numb—” Jim stopped speaking when the two gorgeous young women came into view behind Eli. They were walking outside near the pool wearing tiny, sexy bikinis.

  “What report?” Eli asked oblivious to the goings-on behind him.

  George, Jim and Dave gazed at the screen slack-jawed as Eli repeated, “What report? Which one? There are five daily reports. Is it the daily sales or movement or—”

  “It’s the movement one,” George interrupted cocking his head in some crazy attempt to see the girls as they disappeared, blocked by Eli’s stupid head.

  George scowled. “Crap!”

  “What’s wrong?” Eli asked.

  “Nothing. So tell us what happened last night?” George asked.

  “I don’t remember much. We were playing some kind of drinking game.”

  “Uh-huh.” George nodded as he continued to struggle to see the women. “Interesting.”

  Jim clicked the mute button. “He can’t hear us now.”

  Eli said, “For the report, tell Joe to check the queue to see if the report is there, but didn’t print yet.”

  “Those two are unbelievably hot,” Dave said.

  “Like ridiculously hot,” Jim agreed.

  A partial view of the sexy women bending over placing their towels on the lounge chairs treated the boys at the office to an erotic scene. This lasted for only a moment before they disappeared, once again, blocked by Eli.

  George said, “Geez, I wish he’d move his big, fat head.”

  “I know,” Dave said.

  Eli said, “Hey I can’t hear you guys.”

  Busted, George’s eyes widened then he clicked off the mute button. “Eli, could you move a little to the left? We, um, can’t see you very well.”

  Eli moved over so that only half his face was showing. This provided a much better view of one of the women but not the other. Eli asked, “Is that better?”

  “Just a little more.” George motioned for him to move more to his left.

  Eli slid over a bit more until only his ear was showing on the screen, affording the office group a spectacular view of both young women. The men all smiled, their mouths hanging open.

  George said, “Yes, that’s great.”

  “Nice,” Dave added.

  Jim clicked the mute button. “Can you zoom in?”

  “I can.” Dave grabbed the remote control and adjusted the camera at the other end until it zoomed in much closer. Now the boys had a perfect angle of Nicole and Christie, sitting on the lounge chairs. They both reached back to untie their bikini tops.

  “Holy shit,” George exclaimed.

  Christie’s top fell off first, followed closely by Nicole’s and the two young women’s gorgeous breasts were unveiled.

  George said, “Wow!”

  Dave said, “Oh, yes.”

  “This is exactly like Girls Gone Wild,” Jim said.

  The three men stared at the large screen unblinkingly and all wearing goofy expressions.

  “Are you sure you guys can see me?” Eli asked. “And I can’t hear you again. What the hell’s going on?”

  Back in Florida, Eli sat off to the side of his laptop. He saw the three men continuing with their smiling discussion as they pointed at the camera.

  “Guys, I can’t hear you.” Eli exhaled deeply. “Guys? Guys?”

  He clicked to switch to the view of what the men back at the office were seeing. Spotting the topless Christie and Nicole, Eli gasped. He stood, turned and the women spotted him. Motioning for him to join them, they both pointed toward the hot tub.

  He spun quickly back to the laptop, sitting in front of it now angrily shaking his head. “Jesus Christ.”

  When his face filled the screen, the men’s smiles faded immediately as they recoiled in horror.

  “Now I see what’s so interesting,” Eli grumbled.

  “Um, so…what were you saying before?” George asked.

  “Got to go guys,” Eli shot back.

  “Wait. We’re stuck here and you’re living every man’s fantasy. Cut us a break.” George pressed his hands together, praying.

  “Sorry guys.” Eli reached for the computer.

  George’s face sank. “At least leave it on so we can—”

  Eli closed the screen on his laptop and grinned. He pulled his shirt off. Turning toward the window, he saw the women were now lounging in the hot tub and waving at him. Without looking, he tossed his shirt backward. It landed on the table against a purse knocking it over and a cell phone spilled out, falling to the floor.

  Spotting the phone, he picked it up. He studied the unusually large device for a moment then it slipped from his hand. He caught it against his stomach triggering the stun gun to shock the absolute shit out of him.

  As the women watched from the hot tub, his knees buckled and he dropped to the floor. Sharing a look of distress, Christie and Nicole quickly climbed out of the water.

  22

  In the emergency room, Eli lay on the bed unconscious with a thick white bandage wrapped around his head. Christie and Nicole stood nearby, the concern evident on their faces.

  “Did you just have that stupid thing lying out?” Christie asked.

  “No, I don’t think so.” Nicole ran her hands over her face. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  Christie held Eli’s hand and he moaned softly. His eyes opened slowly and he looked up at her groggily. “What, uh…What happened?”

  “Um, you were tased, like with a stun gun thing and fell.” Nicole held his other hand. “You hit your head.”

  “What? How?”

  “We’re not exactly sure.” Pausing, Christie shot Nicole an evil glare. “We saw you fall from outside.”

  “I remember the purse fell over and I bent down to pick up a cell phone.” Eli exhaled and shook his head. “That’s all I remember.”

  “Yeah, that cell phone is a stun gun.” Nicole wore a sympathetic look. “I’m really sorry. I should have warned you about that thing.”

  Eli scrunched his face up. “The phone did this to me?”

  Nicole said, “My father gave it to me for protection.”

  “That’s pretty cool,” Eli said.

  Nicole put her hand on his arm, squeezing it wearing an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Placing his hands on the bed, he groaned then adjusted his position. “I think I’ll be fine.”

  “The doctor said you don’t have a concussion.” Nicole gave him a supportive nod. “That’s good, right?”

  “Yes.” Eli reached up to his bandage. “I have a terrible headache.”

  “He said to take Tylenol.” Christie stroked his hand. “We had to tell them we were your sisters. So, if they ask just play along.”

  “I will.” He drew in a breath, smiling slightly. “Sis, when can we get out of here?”

  “I think soon,” Nicole said. “They were waiting to examine you once you regained consciousness.”

  In the Don CeSar hotel spa lobby, Anne relaxed on the sofa paging through a magazine. A young woman sat behind the counter sipping on a water bottle. A tall, handsome man in a tight white T-shirt and black pants stood near the counter studying a computer screen.

  “Miss Martin, we’re ready for you now,” the young woman said.

  As Anne looked up from her magazine, she spotted a large female massage therapist standing before her. Anne gasped silently as she took in the beast of a woman who seemed more like a Russian Olympic power lifter than a person one might want working on their tender muscles. Anne stood up and swallowed hard, gazing up at the giant. She opened her mouth to speak then pressed her lips together when Ms. Olympia cracked the knuckles on her hands one by one. Cringing, Anne turned toward the front desk. “I forgot to say I’d be more comfortable with a male, um, massage therapist.”

  The clerk said, “Sorry, we’re booked today, but I—”

  “I can take her,
” the man said in a thick Italian accent. He smiled brightly as he headed toward her.

  “Really?” Anne breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

  “Yes,” he replied. “I am Ausonio.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Anne turned toward the strong woman wearing a sorrowful expression. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. Is this okay with you?”

  “Ehh,” the woman grunted, shooting her a dismissive glare before heading away.

  A few minutes later, Anne lay on her back with the sheet draped over her body. Ausonio entered and asked, “Did our Hilda scare you?”

  Anne stammered, “I, um, not exactly.”

  “It is fine,” he began. “She is good, but she not for…how you say, the faint of heart.”

  They shared a laugh.

  “Yes, I prefer a Swedish massage and something tells me she’s all deep tissue.”

  “She is.” Ausonio folded back the sheet from her lower body exposing her legs. “Are there areas you wish for me to focus?”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve had a massage. My last one didn’t go so well. I’m a little ticklish. Could you stay away from my feet, my knees, my sides and oh, certain parts of my neck.” She pointed to her collarbone.

  “Is that all?” he asked, grinning.

  “Sorry. That doesn’t leave much, right?”

  “Leave it to me. We will figure it out.” He worked massage oil into his hands. “How about this, I start and you just tell me if anything makes you uncomfortable?”

  “Okay.”

  “Ready?” He looked deeply into her eyes.

  “Yes.”

  The moment he touched her legs she broke into laughter, squirming on the table. She turned to her side, pulling away from him. “Sorry. Sorry. Stop for a second.”

  “All right.” He raised his hands in the air.

  She took a deep breath. “I think I can do this.”

  “Relax.”

  She lay flat on the table again.

  “Just breathe.” He took hold of her calf and rubbed it gently. “How is that?”

  At first, she appeared as if she might leap off the table in her uncomfortable state, but then she balled her hands up in fists and took another deep breath. After a few moments, she relaxed her hands. With her eyelids dipping closed, she melted away into relaxation. “That feels really good.”

  “Great.” Standing at the foot of the table, he used both hands to work the tension out of her muscles. Her head slowly tipped back and her mouth fell open. She gasped in pleasure.

  Forty-five minutes later, Anne was now lying on her stomach with Ausonio working on the muscles in her neck. She was in a complete relaxed state moaning and sighing with his every touch.

  He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “I will be right back with some warm water for you to drink.”

  “Huh?” She lifted her head out of the rest, narrowing her eyes. “Are we done already?”

  “Yes, we are.” He nodded. “Lay back down for a moment.”

  She returned her head to the rest and breathed deeply.

  When he came back with a small cup of water, he placed it on the table. “I will leave you now. Please drink the water to replenish your fluids.”

  She lifted her head again. “I will.”

  “You like the massage?”

  “Oh, yes, very much.” Clutching the sheet to her breasts, she rose up and sat on the edge of the table.

  “Good. Good.” He headed toward the door. “I will let you get dressed.”

  “Have you worked here long?”

  He turned back to her. “I actually own this spa and a few others. I partner with the hotel on this one and my others are all independent.”

  “Really?” Anne began. “That’s impressive. Do you have any openings tomorrow?”

  “Actually, I don’t normally handle clients anymore.”

  “I understand,” she said.

  He carried the water to her and handed it over. “Just sip this.”

  She took a drink, gazing up into his dark brown eyes.

  “And I would not want to have you as a client.”

  “Why’s that?” she asked. “I’m too ticklish, right?”

  “No, that’s not it.” He shook his head. “Because then it would prevent me from asking you to dinner tonight. It would be unprofessional to date a client.”

  “What do you call what just happened here?” she asked with a grin.

  He chuckled. “You see this doesn’t count since I was simply filling in for Hilda.”

  “That makes sense.”

  Stepping to her, Ausonio looked deeply into her eyes. “It is probably not fair to ask you now as you are in such a relaxed state, but I must since your beauty has captivated me.”

  Her lips parted as she said, “No, it probably isn’t fair.”

  “But I don’t care. I’m still asking.” He took hold of her hand. “Have dinner with me tonight.”

  Her gaze went from his hand holding hers, then to his face. “I would love to.”

  23

  Looking stunning in a white, spaghetti-strap slip dress, Anne met Ausonio in the lobby of the hotel. He wore a white linen shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of stylish gray linen pants. He held a single white rose as she approached. “Oh, Anna, you look lovely. Sorry, you do not mind if I call you Anna, do you?”

  “No.” She blushed, taking the rose and bringing it to her nose. “Thank you.”

  “It is just that Anna is the Italian form of Anne.”

  “I like it. You look good too. I love that shirt.”

  “Grazie.”

  “You’re welcome.” She sniffed the rose once more and looked up at him smiling. “So what would you like to do?”

  “Have you been to Ybor City?”

  “No, but I’ve been wanting to go.”

  “I thought we might drive downtown, take the streetcar and have dinner.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  Ausonio led her out to his two-seater Audi and they headed to downtown Tampa. After parking, they strolled along the city street to the trolley station. They hopped on the historic streetcar replica and rode along the channel toward Ybor City.

  “I don’t normally like Italian restaurants but there is one here that is quite good.” He took her hand to help her down from the streetcar. “I usually get the Penne Sicilia but if you like shrimp, the Shrimp Orecchiette is very good. I took the liberty of making a reservation for us, but if you would prefer to go somewhere else that is fine.”

  “No, that sounds great.”

  “Good.”

  They walked a few blocks, chatting and enjoying the warm weather until they reached the restaurant named Bernini. Inside the casual, yet elegant décor featured high ceilings adorned with blue paint along with large, intricate white moldings trimmed in gold. An open kitchen, a bar area with seating and white-clothed tables rounded out the look of this eclectic eatery.

  Anne took his advice and chose the Penne Sicilia. Upon taking her first bite, she smiled. She found the penne pasta dish served with veal meatballs in a tomato sauce, garnished with ricotta, to be delicious.

  During the meal, he focused his attention on her, asking about her job at the publishing company. After briefly discussing her divorce, they decided to split a dessert. They agreed on the Cassata Cake, which was a signature item for the restaurant. A classic family recipe of pound cake layered with ricotta cream, whipped cream, chocolate chips and cherries.

  “How long have you been in this country?” She slipped a forkful of the cake into her mouth and savored it.

  “It has been fifteen years. I came here for a study abroad program my last year of college and fell in love with America.” He took a bite of the cake and shook his head. “Yes, this was a good choice.”

  “It is delicious. How did you end up in the spa business?”

  “After college, I took a job working at the front desk at a spa in Tampa. Not too long after that, I became a licensed
therapist. The owner of my spa, John Gregory, was very kind to me and taught me so much about business. He made me manager of one of his locations when he expanded.”

  “Interesting.”

  He took another bite of cake. A solemn look spread over his face. “My uncle died almost eight years ago. I was very close to him.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Thank you. He was a good man. He left me some money and when John was planning to retire, he helped me by self-financing my purchase of his three locations. I’ve expanded since then and continue to get advice and stay in touch with John. I could not have done all of this without him.”

  “You’re really living the American dream.” She shot him a warm smile and took another bite of cake.

  “Yes, I love this country very much. It would have been so much harder to do something like this in my Italy.”

  After taking a walk in Centennial Park, they rode the streetcar back to Tampa then returned to the hotel. They enjoyed a nightcap at the hotel bar, saying goodnight at the elevator before she slipped back up to her room. Overall, it was the best first date that she’d ever been on.

  24

  A few miles away at Michael and Anne’s house, a beautiful starry sky was a perfect backdrop to the sensual soft moaning of Christie and Nicole, which mixed with the gentle hum of the hot tub jets.

  Nicole sighed. “Ah.”

  “Yes. This feels amazing.” Christie spread her arms out wide along the edge as she languidly leaned back.

  “Yes, this is exactly what I needed after being at the hospital all day.”

  “Mm-hmm,” Christie purred. “It’s so hot.”

  “Eli”—Nicole exhaled sharply—“has he been in here yet?”

  “What?” Christie asked as the two young women luxuriated in the hot tub without their recently injured male companion.

  “Has Eli been in here yet?” Nicole repeated.

  Christie replied, “I don’t think so.”

  “Remind me to thank Anne for this.”

  “I will.” Christie tilted her head from side to side then added halfheartedly, “We’d better check on him.”

  “In a minute.”

  Twenty minutes later when the pair could finally pull themselves away from the comfort of the hot tub, they dried off and strolled into the house. Discovering Eli sound asleep in the bedroom, they covered him up and tiptoed out of the room.