Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  The next morning, Eli lay in bed watching television. Nicole carried in a bowl of oatmeal and handed it over. “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.”

  She sat next to him, running her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry. Are you feeling any better?”

  “A little.” He smiled at her. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. I’m still a little wiped out.”

  “You sure you want us to go to the beach without you? We can go anoth—”

  “Yes, I’m sure. I still have a headache. I think I should stay out of the sun today.”

  “Oh, I feel bad with you here all alone.”

  “I’m serious. I’ll feel worse if you’re stuck here with me all day.” He took her hand. “How about this? You guys go and I’ll make you dinner tonight.”

  “Seriously?” She shot him a skeptical look. “You cook?”

  “A little.” He shrugged. “I cook a little.”

  “I can’t wait.” Turning to him, she placed a finger on his chest then slowly ran it down his body resting it just over his sheet-covered groin. “And maybe if you’re almost fully healed later we can take care of that other thing that we’ve been meaning to do since we got here.”

  He swallowed hard. “Yeah, that sounds, uh, like a great plan.”

  Grinning, she kissed him on the cheek before heading for the door.

  Eli conference called in to the office only to have it end in two minutes when George said he had another meeting. He was sure there was no other appointment, since the meeting only ended once George discovered that the women were out of the house.

  As he slid his laptop back in the bag, he spotted the email he’d printed at the office and his eyes widened. It was the message from Michael about the repair he wanted him to schedule. It contained only a phone number and the name Dusty. Grabbing his cell phone, he dialed the number. A woman answered the phone and said, “Global Pools, Spas and Remodeling. We go around the world. We do it all.”

  Eli’s jaw relaxed in disbelief. This was the same company that worked on his pool. The very same company that worked over his wife!

  He whispered, “Fuck me.”

  “What?” the woman asked with a slight edge to her voice.

  “Sorry,” Eli said.

  “How may I help you?”

  “Sorry, wrong number.” He quickly hung up the phone. He would deal with that crap later or maybe not at all.

  Eli did an exhaustive online search for the perfect recipe; one that was easy enough to prepare, but that was sure to impress Christie and Nicole in advance of their big night. After finding what he was looking for, he checked the pantry then made a list of what he needed. With the supermarket only a short walk away, he headed out.

  A few hours later Eli had the kitchen pretty much a disaster as he prepared the meal. With music blasting, he whisked a pot on the stove. He glanced at his laptop screen to check the recipe then crossed the kitchen to the cutting board and started chopping a cucumber.

  Anne walked into the room giving him a hesitant wave. “Sorry to barge in.”

  “What?”

  “Sorry.”

  “Hold on a second,” he replied loudly, heading over to his laptop and turning off the music. “Sorry about that.”

  She said, “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to barge in. I left something here I need. I called, but no one answered.”

  “I was out at the grocery store.” He rushed over to the pot, grabbing the blue whisk and stirring. He turned back to her. “I don’t want this to burn.”

  “I left a message.” She put on a ditsy expression. “I just realized you need a password to get it. Duh.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s your house.” He shrugged as he continued to stir his concoction. “Christie and Nicole are at the beach right by your hotel, so I’m trying to make us some dinner.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  Anne spotted the e-mail from Michael on the kitchen island and looked at it curiously. “Oh, no, Michael wants you to call Dusty at Global. They do horrible work. You can’t trust those guys.”

  “Tell me about it.” Leaving the whisk in the pot, Eli returned to the cutting board and began chopping again. He held out a slice of cucumber toward her with his eyes wide.

  She shook her head and he slipped it into his mouth.

  Picking up the printed e-mail, Anne scowled. “Last time they were here, I felt like they were watching me more than they were working. It was creepy. I was really uncomfortable.”

  Suddenly, choking on the cucumber, he clutched his chest with his eyes watering.

  She stepped to him. “You okay?”

  He nodded, covering his mouth as he cleared his throat. He headed to the sink, grabbed a glass, filled it and took a sip of water.

  “That smells good. What are you cooking?”

  “It’s crab imperial,” he struggled to say, clearing his throat once again before taking another sip.

  She headed to the pot then narrowed her eyes. “Is it supposed to be blue?” Looking up at him cautiously, she cringed.

  “What?” He rushed over.

  She pulled the whisk from the pot and frowned, revealing that the blue plastic coating had melted off the bottom of it, exposing the bare wire.

  “Shit!” Eli grumbled.

  She examined the side of the whisk. “There’s a warning, ‘Do not expose to direct heat’.”

  “Great,” he muttered. “Can we still eat it?”

  “Only if you want to end up in the hospital.”

  “Shit. Another one of my famous beyond—”

  “Brilliant moves.” Her eyes widened as she interrupted, finishing his sentence.

  As they shared a look of enlightenment, Eli said, “Let me guess…Michael.”

  “Yes.”

  “So he says that to you too, huh?”

  “Many times.” She paused a moment wearing a faraway expression then asked, “You?”

  “Yes, in college.” He turned off the burner. “I never forgot it though.”

  “He’s an ass.”

  “He can be.” Eli pointed to the whisk. “Hey, sorry about that.”

  Anne tossed the whisk in the trash. “Don’t worry about it, it was Michael’s. Everything here is Michael’s. I wanted the red one and was overruled.”

  “Are you telling me if you’d had your way, my dinner would be red instead of blue?” He chuckled.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, that I probably could have gotten away with. It would just look tomatoey.” He peered into the pot, scowling. “Now, this…are there even any foods that are blue?”

  “Blueberries.” She raised an eyebrow, holding back a smile.

  “That’s right.” He laughed. “I’ll tell them it’s blueberry crab imperial.”

  “Sounds delicious,” she joked as she placed her hand on his shoulder and looked into the pot. “Yuck.”

  “I wasted hours on this and now I have nothing for dinner.”

  “Hold on.” Anne headed over to the pantry. “We must have something.”

  “I could use a drink.” He picked up a bottle of wine. “You?”

  Turning to him, she smiled. “I’m in.”

  Anne had all the ingredients she needed for her famous marinara sauce and within twenty minutes, it was boiling away nicely on the stove. As he poured their second glass of wine, the two giggled as they shared Michael stories.

  After taking a sip from his glass, his eyes brightened. “And this one time I took Michael’s dress shoes and taped them to the refrigerator.”

  “Really?” She chuckled.

  “Yeah, they looked like giant mutant refrigerator magnets.”

  “Oh my. That’s hilarious.”

  “He didn’t think so. He was pissed.”

  “You know I have to special order shoes that big,” she said in a masculine voice mimicking her ex.

  “Hey, that’s not bad.” He nodded, impressed.

  “You think?” She began. “I’ve been
working on trying to nail his condescending tone for about a year now.”

  “Maybe it’s a little more like this.” Lifting his hand in the air, he cleared his throat. He sucked in his belly, puffing his chest out. “Well, you know, I have to special order shoes that big.”

  She laughed aloud. “Yep, that’s it. He is always sticking his chest out.”

  “What size are his shoes anyway?”

  She took a sip from her glass then raised an eyebrow. “Would you believe sixteen?”

  “No way.” He scoffed. “Sixteen!”

  “You know what they say about your shoe size and your…?” She dipped her gaze down to his midsection then back to his face.

  “Yeah,” he replied.

  “Well, they were wrong.” Her eyes bugged out of her head.

  “That’s good to know about him. He always acted like he was so…”

  “Perfect?”

  “Exactly.” Eli raised his glass. “To Mr. Perfect.”

  She lifted her glass. “Everything’s not so perfect.”

  They sipped from their glasses and placed them down on the counter. She headed to the pot and stirred it.

  Following her over, he looked into the pot and smiled. “That smells delicious.”

  “It does.” She closed her eyes for a moment dizzied, and then shook it off. “Whoa.”

  “You all right?”

  “I’m fine. I shouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach.” Pulling the spoon out from the sauce, she blew on it and offered it to him with her eyes wide. Leaning forward, he tasted it then shook his head slowly, smiling. “It’s incredible.”

  She pointed to a spot of sauce on the side of his mouth. “You’ve got a little, um…”

  Cocking his head, he brought a hand to his face and wiped. “Did I get it?”

  “No.” She stepped closer to him and swiped her finger over the spot, removing it. They gazed at each other for an awkward moment until she turned away and said, “Just let that simmer for another hour or so.”

  “An hour,” he said softly.

  “Or longer.” She shrugged. “Longer is better.”

  “Okay longer then.”

  “I’ve…I’ve got to run.” She stepped back from him. “I have a date later.”

  He cleared his throat. “Great. Yeah, I’ve got my, uh, thing also.”

  “You’ve got your salad and”—she pointed awkwardly toward the stove—“all you need to do is boil up some pasta and you’re all set.”

  “Thank you. You really saved me. Here you are on vacation and you’re cooking a meal you aren’t even going to eat.”

  “No, don’t mention it. I love to cook.”

  “I appreciate it.”

  “Bye.” She took a step backward.

  “Bye.”

  She headed toward the hallway.

  He called after her, “Hey, did you get what you came for?”

  “No, I didn’t.” Turning back to him, she rolled her eyes. “Thanks. I can’t believe I almost forgot my manuscript.”

  “So, you’re a writer?”

  “No, I’m a copyeditor for a publisher.”

  “Interesting. Do you like doing that?”

  “I do.”

  “What’s this book about?” he asked.

  “It’s an erotic romance novel.”

  “Like a Fifty Shades type deal?”

  “Something like that,” she replied. “I think I left it upstairs.”

  “Okay.”

  Heading down the hall, Anne spotted a book on the table and picked it up. Her eyes widened as she read the Anal Sex for Idiots title. She turned the book over and read the blurb, “Wow, this is, um, wow.”

  Eli noticed her standing with the book and headed over. “Oh, sorry, I…”

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s…it’s Christie’s.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded then paused a moment before adding, “Yeah, for, um, some college course she’s taking.”

  Anne wrinkled her nose. “College has really changed.”

  “Tell me about it.” He chuckled. “Okay, well, thanks again for the help with dinner.”

  After placing the book down, she turned to him and smiled. “I hope you enjoy your night.”

  “You too.”

  25

  Anne returned to the hotel with the manuscript. She preferred to work with a paper copy on the first read as she was focusing entirely on story and plot consistency and not grammar or typos.

  She sat in the chair and flipped open to where she’d left off. After a few moments, she found herself staring at the page with her eyes glazing over. Upon reading the word ‘cock’, she sighed. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to read about cocks and pussies or whatever word the author had chosen to use this time around for female genitalia. She stared out the window to the water. Rising to her feet, she headed out to the balcony and looked down at the white sandy beach. Still a little tipsy from her two glasses of wine, she needed to get out of that room. She needed to take a walk.

  After changing into a T-shirt and shorts, she hit the beach. She slipped her flip-flops off and left them by the walkway before heading barefoot along the edge of the Gulf. The gentle waves crashed against the shore, splashing her toes as she followed the waterline.

  She headed south walking for about a mile then turned back. As she neared the hotel, she spotted Christie lying on a lounge chair with Nicole standing over her. Christie held one iPhone earbud in her hand while the other remained in her ear.

  Christie slipped her earbud back into her ear just as Nicole spotted Anne. The two women shared a smile.

  “Hello,” Anne said.

  “Hi.” Nicole squirmed a little, pressing her lips together.

  “I was at the house earlier and saw Eli.”

  “So, he’s out of bed?”

  “He was when I saw him,” Anne began. “Can I ask you a question about that?”

  “Sure.”

  “Well, um, are you guys really all, you know…” Anne raised her eyebrows suggestively.

  “What?” Pressing her knees together, Nicole squirmed some more, cringing.

  “Are you guys really all, you know, together having se—”

  “Oh wow!” Nicole interrupted, her eyes wide as she smiled. “We were in the hot tub when…”

  “You okay?” Anne shot her a concerned look.

  “I really have to pee.” Nicole bounced on her heels.

  Anne pointed toward the hotel. “Go in that door and turn right.”

  “Cool.” Nicole nodded then turned back toward Christie. “Hey Christie, tell her what happened while we were in the hot tub.”

  Popping upright, Christie pulled off her earbuds and gave Anne a smile as Nicole hurried away. Grinning, Anne headed over and sat in a lounge chair next to Christie. “Hi.”

  “Did she say hot tub?” Christie asked.

  “Yes, she started telling me something about all you guys in the hot tub.” Anne narrowed her eyes.

  “Did she tell you how we’re enjoying it?”

  “No, um…” Anne stammered. “But that’s good.”

  “Oh my.” Christie put her hand over her chest. “We can’t get enough.”

  Anne’s jaw dropped open. “Really?”

  “Oh, yeah. It’s been amazing.”

  “Huh?” Anne looked at the sand a moment then leveled her gaze with Christie, beginning hesitantly, “So, are you all, you know…at the same time?”

  Christie wrinkled her nose.

  “You know together?” Anne clarified.

  “Yes.” Christie nodded, smiling.

  Shaking her head slowly, Anne stared past her.

  Christie exhaled deeply. “I mean, it’s so big.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.” Christie gasped. “It’s like the biggest one I’ve ever seen.”

  “I didn’t…” Placing her hand to her face, Anne shook her head. “You wouldn’t know by looking at…”
r />   “It’s a nice one all right.”

  “What? Okay, um…” Anne narrowed her eyes. “If you don’t mind my asking how long were you—”

  “About an hour.” Christie cocked her head. “We would have done it all night, but we were worried about Eli.”

  “Yes.” Anne scoffed. “I can imagine.”

  Christie asked, “You don’t think it’s dangerous to be soaking that long do you?”

  “Oh, that’s what you guys call it?” Anne cringed slightly.

  “Why, what do you call it?”

  “I…I…” Anne waved a hand at her, dismissively. “Never mind.”

  “You don’t think it’s dangerous, do you?”

  Anne raised an eyebrow. “Gee, I don’t think it is.”

  Christie ran her hand through her hair. “We started to feel a little lightheaded.”

  “I’ll bet.” Anne paused a moment, wearing an awkward grin.

  After squeezing suntan lotion into her palm, Christie rubbed it on her legs. Suddenly, her eyes sparkled. “Hey, you should totally join us one night.”

  “Seriously?” Anne chuckled. “You want me to, um, with you?”

  “Sure, why not?” Christie applied some lotion to her stomach. “It’s your house.”

  “Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to intrude on your—”

  “We’d love to have you over. We could open up a bottle of wine, get in the tub and it would be fun.”

  Pausing a moment, Anne gazed into the Gulf before returning to Christie. “Okay, I’ll, um, think about it.”

  “Great, Nicole and I love to party.”

  “Obviously.” Rising to her feet, Anne cleared her throat. “I’d better head back.”

  “All right.” Christie grabbed her earbuds. “I hope we see you at the house soon.”

  Anne returned a polite nod before heading toward the hotel, shaking her head and whispering, “Kids today. Wow.”

  26

  A few hours later, Eli walked into the bathroom carrying three glasses of wine. Christie and Nicole were lounging together in the huge soaking tub. The two beauties looked nothing short of heart stopping in the bath.

  After placing two glasses down on the edge of the tub, he asked, “Enjoying your bath?”