Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “Really?” Christie frowned.

  He nodded and she reluctantly handed it over.

  “I really want you to have this, but let’s put it away,” he said, speaking to her as if she was a toddler. After sharing a what-the-fuck look with Nicole, he added, “Just for now.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Kneeling, he unzipped the pocket of the suitcase and slipped the book inside. Suddenly, Eli’s phone chimed and he glanced at the screen. “The car’s almost here.”

  Nicole rose to her feet. “We’d better get outside.”

  Eli sighed, his expression softening a bit as he looked at them both.

  Nicole said, “It’s been interesting.”

  Eli said, “Sorry about everything. This wasn’t exactly much of a vacation for either of you.”

  “Don’t worry about us.” Christie stood. “We had fun.”

  “I’m going to miss you both,” Eli said. “But I’m really glad we never had sex.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Christie chuckled.

  “No, I didn’t mean it that way.” He shook his head. “If we had, it would take a sledgehammer to wipe the smile off my face, but it would have been weird, right?”

  “Yes, I think you’re right,” Nicole agreed, moving closer to him. “Are you going to try to talk to her again?”

  “Maybe, but I don’t know what else to say really.” The doorbell rang and he grinned as he headed to the foyer. “I’ve got a little surprise for you both.”

  He pulled open the door to reveal Savannah wearing a wide smile with her hands held up. “Hey guys!”

  “Savannah!” Christie beamed.

  Savannah stepped into the foyer, opening her arms to him and they hugged.

  “What are you doing here?” Nicole asked.

  “You didn’t tell them yet?” Savannah asked.

  “No, not yet.” He picked up two white envelopes from the table then handed one to Christie and Nicole. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  Christie asked, “What’s this?”

  “For your shopping spree,” Eli began. “Maybe you can buy a few purses or something.”

  “That’s so nice.” Nicole’s lip quivered as she moved to him for a hug. Christie joined her, wrapping her arms around them both.

  Pulling away from them, Christie opened her envelope, revealing five one hundred dollar bills.

  Savannah said, “I hate to tell you this, but where we’re going a purse is like three grand.”

  “Oh.” Eli cringed, pulling his wallet from his pocket.

  Savannah put a hand up. “Don’t worry. It’s on me.”

  “You sure?” He grinned, pointing to the door. “Because I could just run out to the cash machine and empty out my account.”

  “That’s okay funny man.” Chuckling, Savannah turned toward the women. “You ready ladies?”

  “We are,” Nicole replied.

  Eli carried the suitcases out to the car. After another round of hugs and a few tears, the three women took off in the limousine.

  As they headed downtown, Nicole pulled her phone out and showed Savannah the pictures she’d taken on the trip. She turned her phone toward Christie and the three women shared a laugh. Nicole flipped to a particularly embarrassing picture of Eli from the hospital and her smile melted away. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she turned to Savannah. “Do you think we can make one stop first?”

  Savannah replied, “Of course.”

  “What are you doing?” Christie shot her a confused look.

  Turning the phone so Christie could see the image, Nicole nodded confidently. “I think I can fix this.”

  When they reached the hotel, Nicole stepped out of the car and headed inside. Stopping at the front desk, she asked for Anne’s room number, but was given a phone instead. She dialed up to the room but got no answer, then she returned to the car and settled inside. “She’s not there.”

  “We’ll come back later,” Savannah said.

  The limo pulled out onto the drive. Suddenly, Christie’s eyes widened as she spotted Anne walking toward the hotel on the other side of the street. “There she is!”

  After making a U-turn, the limo pulled over in front of her. Startled, Anne stopped in her tracks, turning toward the car.

  Savannah lowered the tinted window and Anne gaped when she saw her. “Savannah Swain?”

  “That’s me.” Savannah motioned with her thumb behind her. “And I’ve got a couple of your friends here.”

  Nicole tilted her head into view. “Hi, I’ve got something to show you.”

  Standing on the street, Nicole flipped through images on her phone until she reached the one with Eli lying on a hospital bed knocked out cold.

  Anne said, “Yeah, so.”

  “And this one.” Nicole swiped to a picture of Eli appearing annoyed and covering his midsection while the hospital staff stood around him, all wearing bright smiles.

  A slight grin formed on Anne’s lips. “Okay, so he’s the unluckiest guy on the planet.”

  “Wait, how about these?” Nicole displayed the image of Eli lying on the bathroom floor with the singed and smoking bathtub in the background.

  “Geez!” Anne’s eyes bugged out.

  “Sorry about that.” Nicole cringed.

  Anne shrugged. “I don’t care. I was planning to remodel anyway.”

  “You better tell him that soon,” Nicole began. “I think he ordered that exact same tub.”

  “I’ll call him,” Anne said.

  “See, he wasn’t lying.”

  Anne said, “Yeah, big deal, it’s—”

  “He’s crazy about you and I know you feel the same way.” Nicole arched an eyebrow, gazing at her. Anne simply frowned without saying a word. After a few moments of silence, Nicole added, “So, this hasn’t been the perfect romance.”

  “No, it hasn’t,” Anne grumbled.

  “Nothing happened between us and I swear it’s all because he met you.” After taking in Anne’s skeptical expression, Nicole added, “Well, maybe ninety percent because he met you and ten percent bad luck or, I don’t know, maybe it’s more like eighty twen—”

  “I get it.” Anne’s expression relaxed into a smile. She pointed to the phone. “Could you send me a copy of that one from the hospital? That’s my favorite.”

  “Sure.”

  After Nicole keyed Anne’s number into her phone, she headed to the car. Upon reaching the door, she turned back. “At least go talk to him.”

  With her hand on her chin, Anne lifted a shoulder up slightly. “I will.”

  “Good.”

  Anne watched as Nicole climbed into the car. She waved to them and the limo pulled away. She looked skyward, shaking her head as she began walking toward the hotel. She stopped, a wide grin appeared on her face as she turned and headed in the other direction, moving faster with every step.

  39

  Anne headed into the house, checked the first floor for Eli and found it empty. She climbed the stairs and turning left, heard the shower running and followed the sound. Poking her head into the master bathroom, she spotted his naked form behind the fogged glass of the shower stall. She stood still for a few moments pondering how to proceed. Suddenly, her eyes brightened and she grinned.

  She removed all her clothes and as she stepped toward the shower, he turned the water off. She froze. Sliding the door open, he grabbed a towel still oblivious to her presence.

  “Hey,” she said.

  Startled, his eyes opened wide and he covered himself quickly with the towel. “Jesus, you scared me!”

  She looked down awkwardly. “Sorry, I came here to—”

  “Who are you and how did you get in here?” he asked in a put-on authoritative tone.

  “I…I…” Finally getting the joke, she smiled.

  Striking the perfect female modesty pose, he folded one arm over his chest covering his nipples. He cupped his other hand over his junk and pressed his legs tightly together while struggling to maintain a st
raight face. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  She cleared her throat. “Um, I was looking for—”

  “I know what you were looking for you pervert. Now put your hands up. Put ‘em up!”

  She raised her hands up, suppressing a smile. “I swear I came here with two other guys and I was supposed to meet them in the shower.”

  “Yeah, right. Two guys. You sicken me.” Keeping an eye on her, he reached blindly into the shower stall and pulled out a wood-handled body brush. “I’m not afraid to use this!”

  “Think about it.” She widened her eyes, taking a step backward. “Where could I be hiding a weapon?”

  His gaze traveled from her face to her breasts to her thighs, then he said in an accusatory tone, “You’ve got a few hiding places.”

  “That’s disgusting.” She made a face.

  “Sorry, too much?” Breaking character, he narrowed his eyes.

  “Just a little.” She cocked her head. “Are we done?”

  He frowned, holding out the handle for the shower brush. “I was hoping you were going to ask me what I was going to do with this thing because I had a joke lined up.”

  “I don’t think I want to hear it.” She lowered her hands.

  He arched an eyebrow. “Yeah, it was pretty bad depending on your fondness for sex toys.”

  She flashed him a sexy grin. “Maybe you could save it for later.”

  They shared a laugh.

  “So you’re here.” After wrapping a towel around his waist, he picked up another and ran it over his chest. “Why?”

  “I came to apologize.”

  “Naked?” He chuckled.

  She shot him a tired look.

  “Sorry.” After drying his face, he draped the towel around his neck. “Go ahead.”

  “I came to say I was sorry for overreacting about the whole thing with Christie and Nicole and—”

  “You don’t have to say anything. I’m the one who should say I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions about you and, you know…”

  “That’s okay. I understand why you made that leap.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes.” She sighed, glancing around the room. Her gaze stopped on the ruined bathtub and its ring of melted soot near the top. “I really like what you’ve done with the place.”

  “Sorry about that. I was able to find that exact model and it’s on order.”

  “Can you stop it?” She cringed. “I definitely want to remodel, but I’m positive I don’t want to go with black.”

  “I could try.”

  “Before you do that…” She stepped to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. They looked into each other’s eyes, their lips only inches apart.

  “Before I do that…” He swallowed hard. “What?”

  “Do you think you might want to shower some more because I could really use a shower?”

  He raised an eyebrow, as he pulled the towel from his waist. “Yes, I’m sure that I missed a spot or two, somewhere.”

  She turned on the water and stepped into the shower stall. Grabbing him by the hand, she pulled him inside where they shared a gentle smile.

  “Hi.” He placed his hands on her shoulders.

  “Hi yourself.” Pressing her lips to his, she kissed him hard. She placed her hands on his neck as he held her sides gently under the spray of the shower.

  He pulled back from her and looked down at his erection that was pressing against her abdomen. “Okay, so that still works.”

  “What?” She giggled then followed his gaze down. “Oh, hello. What do you mean that still works?”

  “You heard all the stories already.”

  “I did. The tasering, the near burning, drowning and all that.” She nodded, holding back a smile.

  “Exactly.” He kissed her again.

  Sliding her hands down his body, she wrapped her fingers around his girth and stroked him.

  He pressed his lips to her neck and muttered, “Oh, God…” After drawing in a deep breath, he cupped her breast, toying with her hardened nipple as he slipped his other hand gently between her thighs. He traced a finger around her swollen lips and carefully pressed it inside. She tilted her head back and exhaled.

  Staring into his eyes, she said, “It seems like we’re both back in business.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Bringing his hands to her shoulders, he kissed her neck then slowly guided her around. He brought his hips to her, his erection pressing against her back as he ran his hands down over her breasts before returning his fingers inside her.

  She moaned.

  He whispered in her ear, “Do you want to really see if everything still works together?”

  “I do.” She sucked her lower lip between her teeth, closing her eyes as he kept rubbing her. “Do you have something?”

  “Yes.” He nodded. “Well, not with me.”

  “We should probably get out of here anyway.” She pressed her hips back into him. “Doing it here might be a little advanced for us since it’s been so long.”

  “Exactly. Baby steps.”

  A few minutes later, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, rolling a condom over his erection when she emerged from the bathroom toweling herself off. She smiled, drinking in the sight of him before tossing the towel behind her.

  He reached out to her and she took his hand, bending over slightly to kiss him. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she straddled his hips and sat on him, his erection pressing against her stomach. She slipped her tongue into his mouth before moving up slightly and positioning herself over him.

  They locked eyes again and she held still a moment before pressing down and taking him inside.

  “Ah, Anne.”

  Wrapping her arms around his neck, she began moving over him, rising then plunging down fully on his lap.

  “I’d forgotten what this was like,” he said.

  “Me too,” she replied and they kissed again.

  Cupping the cheeks of her ass, he guided her up and down, picking up the pace as he thrust his hips into her. This went on and on until she threw her head back and moaned as she neared her climax.

  “Oh, fuck.” He groaned, pressing his lips to her collarbone and nibbling on her flesh.

  Suddenly, she gasped. Her mouth and eyes opened wide as she pressed down hard. With her breathing labored, she cried out in ecstasy. “Yes.”

  After giving her a moment to recover, he coaxed her up and down over him again, thrusting and straining as she rode him. Finally with his climax upon him, he cried out then pulled her down on him. After bucking his hips twice more, he held her there firmly as he struggled to catch his breath.

  40

  Over the next several days, the new couple was inseparable. They ran together, went out to dinner, cooked together and they had sex.

  A lot of sex.

  Making up for lost time, they even got a little adventurous—they did it in the pool, the hot tub and in the shower. Surprisingly there were no hurricanes, floods or accidents of any kind.

  Michael Martin pulled up in a rental car, his young girlfriend, Mandy, in the passenger seat.

  She gazed out the window to the darkened beach house. “There aren’t any lights on. Maybe he’s not home.”

  “We’ll stop in and check,” he said.

  Stepping into the kitchen, Michael spotted the half-eaten dinner plates along with a nearly empty bottle of wine on the table. There was a red dress, lying in a heap, on the floor.

  Mandy said, “We really should have called first.”

  Reaching down, he picked up a bra. He raised an eyebrow as he smiled holding it out. “I don’t remember giving permission for a party, Joel.”

  “Joel?” She narrowed her eyes. “Who’s Joel?”

  “Risky Business.”

  “What?”

  He crossed the room to the staircase and turned back to her. “You know, Risky Business.”

  She returned only a blank stare.

  “Risky Business!”
He exclaimed. “Come on.”

  “I really don’t know what that is!”

  He rolled his eyes. “You’ve never heard of Risky Business?”

  “Other than the four times you’ve said it, no.”

  “The movie,” he said with his eyes wide.

  Lifting her palm up, she shrugged.

  “The movie that made Tom Cruise famous.”

  “I never saw it, but okay.” She sighed, exasperated.

  He shot her a look. “You really are too young for me.”

  She stepped toward the front door. “Let’s come back tomorrow.”

  He shook his head, his expression somewhere else for a few moments before an evil grin spread over his face. “I never did get him back for that.”

  “What?” she asked, timidly.

  “In college we shared a dorm room,” he began. “One night I brought this girl back to the room and Eli was asleep. He wouldn’t leave so I covered him over in bed and told him not to move, and I told her that he was out.”

  “You didn’t?” She appeared appalled.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” She waved a hand at him. “Go on.”

  “We were going at it and she saw him. It scared the shit out of her. She jumped off me and left crying. I know he was watching us. That pervert.”

  “He’s the pervert?” She shot him a skeptical look.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re an ass, you know that.” She folded her arms across her chest.

  Placing his foot on the bottom step, he turned back to her. “Are you coming?”

  She waved him away. “No, but hurry up.”

  Eli lay on top of Anne kissing her with the covers pulled up to his shoulders. Michael entered the room wearing a shit-eating grin. “Hey buddy.”

  Startled, Eli craned his neck around to spot him. “Michael, what the hell?” He rolled off her and turned toward the door as she yanked the covers over her head.

  “You busy?” Michael chuckled.

  “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Just thought I’d stop by.” Michael said, plopping down in a chair.

  “I’m a little busy, I’ve got, uh—”

  “Oh, I know. Does this feel familiar in any way?”