Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

“I just wanted to make sure that every member of her immediate family had seen my penis.” She looked at him, shocked, as he continued, “Oh, yeah, her parents were here, and when I came to the door, a car was behind me, and I lifted up… It’s a long story, but let’s just say, every Wilde could pick me out of a penile lineup. I feel a little like Michael Jackson and oh, yeah, Bill Clinton.”

  “You poor baby.” She laid her head on his chest.

  “You don’t have to go back home, do you?”

  She popped her head back up to look at him. “I do. Rob’s still awake. I told him Victoria was in the middle of a crisis… I brought your bag over. Victoria said she would drive you to the airport tomorrow.”

  “What the hell?”

  “I know—that’s not the way I want it to be. I need to find the right time and right way to tell him. It’s not every day that you find out your college roommate is going to be your new father… or stepfather, I guess—”

  “Wait a minute—is that a yes?” he asked eagerly, his eyes bright.

  Pausing, she looked at him lovingly. “I would have married you even if you hadn’t beaten me at tennis yesterday.”

  “Really?”

  “I can’t stand to be away from you. It’s going to kill me to sleep without you tonight.” She put her head back on his chest and breathed in deeply. “God, you smell good.”

  “I used some fancy body wash Victoria had in the shower. It was all she had. I smell a little like a girl, don’t I?”

  Lifting up from him, she shook her head. “You don’t. In fact, let me show you exactly how non-girly you smell.” She ran her hands down his chest. He stared open-mouthed at her as she slipped one hand under the sheets and felt him through his boxer shorts. He was already nearly hard. Glancing up at him, she gasped before standing, ripping down the sheets, and freeing him from the boxers. His stiffness stood at attention.

  “Let me take care of you. I’ll put you to bed,” she said in a sexy voice that caused even more blood to flow where he needed it.

  Crawling between his legs, she went to work on him with her mouth, and he groaned in response.

  She pulled up from him and said, “You taste great, too.”

  She proceeded to give him a blowjob that featured a whole lot of ball attention from her mouth, her hands, and her tongue. As Jillian fought to try to suck both his balls into her mouth at the same time, he wondered if Victoria was behind the effort.

  As she succeeded, it felt so fucking amazing that he forgot all about Victoria. Eventually, she moved back up to the main attraction, and five minutes later, when she completed her task, he was blown away. After trailing kisses up his body, she reached his mouth and gave him a big, full kiss.

  He tasted mostly himself, and when she pulled back, he grimaced. “Wow. That was weird.” He ran his tongue around his mouth while making a face.

  “You taste good.” She gave him a satisfied smile.

  Pressing her mouth back to his, she gave him an even deeper kiss, shoving her tongue into his mouth. He kissed her back with more enthusiasm, and she pulled back, smiling.

  He gazed up at her. “God, I feel like licking you for an hour.”

  She grinned. “That would be wonderful, but I don’t have that much time.” Standing, she drank in his naked body and shimmied her hips. “I think I just had a little O when you said that.”

  “That thing you did with my balls was so incredible.”

  “You liked that?”

  “Was that a Victoria suggestion?”

  Nodding wickedly, she smiled. “She gave me some others, but I’ll save those for later.”

  “God, I really have to lick you now. Just sit on my face for like two minutes.”

  She stood beside the bed contemplating Brian’s proposition, and he bolstered his case. “We won’t be seeing each other for a few weeks. I’ve got that two-week training, and you have that writers’ conference.”

  “I could fly up for the weekend.”

  “You actually want to visit Rahway, New Jersey?”

  After shaking her head with a grin, she pulled down her skirt and underwear as a huge smile spread across his face. He slipped lower in the bed, and she straddled his head, hovering above him. He glanced up at her gorgeous parts, with his lips parted, waiting for her to glide down.

  “Two minutes. I’m timing you,” she said with some authority.

  “I’m pretty sure your twenty-one-year-old son will be okay in the house for a few more minutes.”

  Chuckling, she slid down to his face. She stared up toward the ceiling, loving it and grinding her hips down hard on him as he fervently licked her. She groaned as he kept going and going, his tongue aching. Almost eight intense minutes later, she exploded with a huge climax, her body quivering as she stared down at his face.

  She climbed off him, stood beside the bed, and leaned in to kiss him. It was a long kiss, and she felt the heat rising up inside her. Tearing her lips from his, she sighed. “I do love you.” She picked her clothes from the floor and slipped them on.

  Leaning back against the headboard, he stared at her. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “Me, too. I’ve got to go.” She exited the room. He stared up at the ceiling as he ran his tongue around his mouth, savoring her sweetness and wearing a huge, satisfied smile.

  8

  The next morning, Brian awoke with a huge boner and flashed back to the memory of Jillian’s sexy lips on him. He got out of bed, poked his head into Victoria’s room, and found her asleep. He decided to make her breakfast in bed—his specialty.

  Thirty minutes later, when he appeared in her doorway carrying a tray, he found her still asleep. As he approached the bed, she gradually awakened and looked at him with a smile. “What’s this?”

  “You hungry?”

  “Starved.” Holding the sheet to her body with one hand, Victoria sat up and began adjusting the pillows behind her back. As she maneuvered, the sheet fell away from her, exposing her big, beautiful, naked breasts to him. He looked away while she readjusted the sheet and attempted to cover herself. When he looked back, one nipple was still uncovered, and he pointed to it awkwardly. She smiled. “Lighten up. I’m losing count as to how many times I’ve seen your cock. One nipple is not going to kill you.”

  “You’re right.” He placed the tray in her lap and snuck a quick peek at her breast.

  Catching him, she grinned. “You just totally looked, didn’t you?”

  “I did not.”

  “You did, you little liar.”

  “Okay, I did look. You have a spectacular body.”

  “So do you.” She looked over the tray full of blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon and smiled. “Are these your special pancakes? Jillian told me they were orgasmic.”

  “They are.”

  “Are you going to join me?”

  “I already ate.”

  After taking a bite of the pancakes, she shut her eyes tight. “Wow. She’s right. I think I just got wet.”

  He rolled his eyes and let out a chuckle. “I’m glad you like them. By the way, she said she would marry me.”

  “I know.”

  “She told you?”

  “Yeah, we had a little chat before she went in to see you. I gave her a few tips. Did she use any?”

  After looking away, a little embarrassed, he looked back at her. “She did. She did.”

  “Sounds like she did it right.”

  She leaned forward to grab the mug of tea, and the sheet slipped again, exposing both of her breasts. He stared at them, and then tore his eyes away, back to her face.

  She gave him a tired look. “Do I really need to cover them up?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “Pretend we’re on a topless beach.” He nodded as if that made perfect sense.

  After taking a sip, she gave him a serious look. “People in this country are so terrified of nudity and any discussion of sex. You can talk all you want about violence, show someone
getting beaten up or his head chopped off in a movie, and that’s just fine. But show one hard penis, and they slap an X rating on you. Talk about sex, and they charge you with sexual harassment. I think people just need to relax. Ninety-nine percent of the adult population has sex—why can’t we just talk about it?”

  Smiling in agreement, he was warming to the idea.

  “And the human body is beautiful. Just because you see my naked body doesn’t mean you’re going to try to screw me, or something.”

  “You’re right, but some naked bodies should not be shown. Yours, on the other hand, is one that definitely should be.”

  “Gee, thanks.” She took another big bite and savored it with a satisfied smile.

  After glancing once more at her bare breasts, he gave her a cautious look. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, I’ll answer anything.”

  “Are your breasts real? Because they’re just perfect.”

  “Oh, aren’t you sweet? I get that question a lot. They are real—100% real. Do you want to feel them to check?”

  Looking at her, mildly shocked, he shook his head. “No, I’ll just take your word for it.”

  “Anything else you want to ask?”

  “How many guys have you had sex with?”

  She took another sip of tea, pondering the question. “For the first almost-38 years of my life, that would be two.”

  “And since then?”

  “Should I count all the guys I’ve given oral sex to while they were wearing a condom?”

  “I wouldn’t,” he replied sarcastically and just a little bit horrified.

  “Good, because I went a little crazy there with this experimental phase. I was working out some, uh… issues.” He raised his eyebrows in understanding as she searched her memory. “I’m in the 19 neighborhood—give or take. I know it sounds like a lot, but I’m very selective and on the occasions when I haven’t been, I’ve been careful. I’ve also been tested a few times.”

  “Huh?”

  “I don’t believe in anonymous sex with random strangers, but I believe that life is short, and you should have a good time—within reason, of course.”

  He gave her a supportive nod.

  “Can I ask you a question now?”

  Grimacing, he looked her in the eye. “It depends.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Why can’t we all just be more open about sex? Can’t we talk about it? Without sex, none of us would even be here. And if sex weren’t as fucking amazing as it is, life would barely be worth living. All we would be doing is working, eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom. None of that is one-tenth as fun as having an orgasm.”

  “Okay.” He sighed in defeat. “So, what do you want to know?”

  After taking another bite of pancake, she smiled at him. “Did she succeed?”

  He stared at her, confused.

  “Was Jillian able to put both your balls in her mouth at the same time?”

  Parting his lips, he gave her a “what-the-hell” shrug. “Yes, she did, and it was… freaking fantastic.”

  “You like having your balls licked?”

  “Uh, yeah.”

  “Do you shave them?”

  “My balls?”

  “Yes, your balls. Are they all hairy?”

  “I don’t shave them, but I use a trimmer occasionally, and I don’t think they’re all that hairy.” He folded his arms defensively.

  “Let me see ‘em,” she requested casually.

  “Really?”

  She took another big bite as she rolled her eyes and gave him a bored look.

  Sighing, he stepped off the bed. “Okay. But I’m doing this purely in the spirit of being open.” He took a deep breath, dropped his shorts and underwear, and looked away as if he were about to cough while being examined by a doctor.

  “I can’t see them; come closer.”

  He waddled over with his shorts around his knees and stood next to the bed. She looked closely. “Lift up your penis.”

  He looked at her as if to say, “Really?”

  “Oh, just lift it up. Jesus, I know it’s soooo heavy, but you do have the upper body strength to lift it, don’t you?”

  Frowning, he lifted his penis, and she took a close look at the boys below. “Too hairy.”

  “What?”

  “Would you like to lick balls with hair all over them?”

  He scoffed. “I don’t want to lick balls, hairy or not.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  Pulling up his shorts, he moved back to the bed, looking a little offended.

  “Your cock could use a little shaving as well.”

  His mouth dropped. “I just did it, like, two weeks ago.”

  She shook her head. “Listen, I guarantee you that if you shave those, Jillian’s ball licking will at the very least double.”

  “They get plenty of attention.”

  “You ever have the back of your balls licked? That line that runs between you anus and your scrotum—it’s filled with nerve endings like you wouldn’t believe.”

  He looked at her curiously. “No, I never have.”

  “Probably because it’s like a jungle back there, too.”

  His mouth shot open. “How would you know that?”

  “Okay, show me then.”

  He shook his head. “Forget it. This openness is fun and all, but I’m not bending over so you can see if my ass and the back of my balls are too hairy.” Victoria smiled and took another bite of her breakfast as he asked, “So let’s say—just out of curiosity—if I wanted to shave my balls… would I use a regular razor, like one intended for the face?”

  “Sure, just be careful and make sure you wash everything down there well and get it really wet before you put on the shaving cream. Oh, and go slow.”

  He looked at her, unconvinced. “Sounds a little dangerous.”

  “Try it once, and you’ll love the feel. You’ll be shocked at how much more into it your partner will be.”

  “I don’t know. Did Jillian mention that I was too hairy?”

  “No, she didn’t, but she’s like you and never wants to talk about sex.”

  After pondering this a moment, he decided that there was no way he was putting a razor near his penis or balls. He lied when he said, “I’ll think about it.”

  “Good. Did Jillian find your G-spot last night?”

  With his jaw dropping, he looked at her, perplexed. “Men have a G-spot?”

  “So, she didn’t, uh…”

  “Maybe she did… How would I know?”

  “Believe me, you’d know. So, she didn’t put her finger into your ass, then. She must be saving that for a special occasion.”

  “Oh, the prostate thing. That’s the male—”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t tell her I told you, but when you least expect it, she may go for it. You do wash that area really well don’t you?”

  Standing up, he gave her a look. “Okay, that’s enough. I draw the line when the discussion diverges on how clean my ass is.”

  She chuckled. “Fair enough.”

  After running his hands over his chin, he gave her a serious look. “Can I ask you one more thing?”

  “Sure.”

  “I want to do something special for her in bed—surprise her somehow. Do you know of any sexual fantasies or anything like that she’s always wanted to try? Something wild, maybe.”

  Before he finished the question, Victoria knew instantly what to tell him. “In her first novel, she wrote about this couple who played out a roleplaying fantasy—coerced sex. You know, the whole ski mask, black clothes, light bondage thing.” He listened, captivated, as she added, “To really make it work, you’ve got to surprise her, though. She can’t be expecting…” Suddenly perplexed, she rubbed her chin. “Wait. We have to tell her. We don’t want to give her a heart attack or have her hit you in the head with a lamp or anything.”

  “Yeah, that would suck.”

  “So, right
before you go in, just call her from outside the house.”

  He gave her a big smile. “So, I fly up here one day and…” His smile faded. “Wait, what about Rob?”

  She frowned along with him; then it hit her. “She told you about that writer’s conference coming up in Key Largo, didn’t she?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you going with her?”

  “No, I’ve got to work. I have that training.”

  “That’s not a problem; it’s a short flight. Just fly down for the night and then back in the morning. She has that beach house in Tavernier. That’s where she’s staying, and it’s just a few miles from Key Largo. I’ll lay it all out for you. I even have a key to her place.”

  Brian nodded at her. “That sounds kinda hot. I’m in.”

  “You have any Viagra?”

  “What? No!”

  “You’ll need it to really pull it off.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ll have the hardest erection of your life. You get it up before you go in the house, and it will stay up as you sneak in, struggle with her, and tease her with it.” She gave him a skeptical look. “That is, unless you think you can stay hard during all that.”

  Pausing, he considered his options. “I’m not nineteen anymore, and it might be fun. I’ll take the pill.”

  Victoria nodded, pleased.

  “So, should I tie her up?”

  “You have to. I’ll tell you exactly how to do it.”

  He was on the edge of his seat as she went over the entire plan in explicit detail.

  A few hours later, Brian was sitting in Victoria’s car, waiting. She walked out of the house carrying a book, climbed in the car, and handed it over. “I was able to find Jillian’s novel—the roleplaying fantasy one. I marked the chapter for you.”

  “Awesome.”

  As she drove, he began reading. His eyebrows lifted more than once, and he exhaled deeply while shaking his head at least three times. Ten minutes later, he was midway through the chapter when he came up for air. “God, she can write the shit out of this erotica stuff.”

  “I know, she really can.”

  He went back to the pages, and as she noticed he was adjusting his pants a little, she grinned. When he finished, he was holding the book in his lap, clearly using it to hide an erection. “So, I should do it exactly like this?”