Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, I can do this,” he said with a confident grin.

  Glancing down, she noticed he was still pressing the book into his lap. “It looks like it’s turning you on as well.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve got a huge boner from reading that.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  Spotting her skeptical look, he sighed. “Okay, yes I do. Her writing makes me horny.”

  “I agree.” She paused for a moment, thinking. “You know you can take care of that right now if you want. I won’t mind.”

  “Take care of what?”

  “Your erection.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  She exhaled deeply. “You need me to spell if out for you? Okay. If you want to pull it out and jerk off before we get to the airport, go ahead and knock yourself out. I won’t mind.”

  He scoffed. “I’m not going to jerk off in the car. No way.” He pressed the book into his straining erection a little more.

  Victoria looked down at his lap and smiled broadly. “You’re actually harder now just thinking about it, aren’t you?”

  “I am not.”

  “Have you ever jerked off while driving before? Be honest.”

  “No.”

  She shook her head. “You have too, you perv. Details. Now.”

  Sighing, he tilted his head back against the rest. He slowly glanced over to her and took in her excited, almost giddy expression. “I… uh… okay… I did once. I was dating this girl in high school, and we were parked somewhere and making out. We didn’t do anything else, and after I dropped her off, as I was driving home, it, uh, wouldn’t go away, so I… you know.”

  “Did you have trouble controlling the car?”

  “Not really. I drove slowly and was careful.”

  “What’d you use to… Did you spit on it?”

  “I’m not going to—” He waved his hand at her while wearing a distasteful look. “That’s all I care to share about that little incident.”

  “Can I ask just one more question about it?”

  “What is it?”

  She grinned. “Was there a huge mess? I mean how’d you keep from shooting all over the steering wheel and dashboard?”

  After glancing twice his way to find him staring at her with a tired look, she frowned. “Okay. No more questions, but you are no fun— do you know that?”

  He covered his mouth, fighting back a laugh or two.

  As they neared the airport, she said, “You’re going to so wish you had taken me up on my offer when you’re on that plane, and your pants aren’t fitting all that well.”

  “I will not.”

  “Last chance— I could drive around the airport a few times.”

  “No thanks, but I appreciate your concern,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “Okay, don’t call me if you’re forced to go into the bathroom and then get pulled off the plane by an air marshal for being some kind of sexual terrorist.”

  “I’ll take my chances.”

  Pulling over in the drop-off area, she turned to him. “Send me your flight information when you get it.”

  “I will.”

  He got out of the car and opened the back door. Spotting a police officer standing right behind him, she grinned. He pulled his bag out and bent down to look at Victoria. “Thanks for the ride.”

  She said in a clear, loud voice, “Even if your erection doesn’t go down, make sure you don’t masturbate on the plane.”

  “Funny.” He gave her a frown as he slammed the door. While Victoria sped away laughing, he turned to find the officer eyeing him strangely. He froze. “She’s only joking.”

  The officer’s eyes traveled down to the still somewhat-problematic area, and he gave him a sickened look. Lifting the bag up quickly in front of his groin, he held it there as he rushed away.

  On the plane, Brian grinned as he looked down at his pants and found he was a little uncomfortable down there. Part of him wished he’d taken Victoria up on her offer—yeah that part—especially since he was returning home and his parents not only frowned on masturbation, but they pretty much forbade it.

  9

  The next day, John and Victoria decided to go on a real date, since their first date had ended up being a disappointment, especially for her. That night, they got dressed up, went out for an expensive meal, and then went back to her place. As the kissing and groping on the sofa grew more heated, she pulled away. “Do you want to go to the bedroom?”

  They moved to the bedroom and stood kissing, caressing, and removing each other’s clothes. He wasn’t hard at all, and she looked down with concern at his unexcited manhood.

  Following her eyes, he began to apologize. “Sorry. I, uh…”

  “I know how to fix this.” She led him to the bed, sat him down, and took his completely soft penis in her mouth. She bathed it, worked it with her tongue, massaged his balls, sucked it, and tried everything in her repertoire, but nothing worked. It didn’t move at all.

  Sighing, she looked up at him, exhausted. “Well, this is a new problem.”

  “I, uh… I jerked off as soon as we got back here almost thirty minutes ago.”

  Shocked, she asked, “Why’d you do that?”

  “Well, I’ve been working on my P.E. problem at home, and I’ve had some luck with lasting longer after my first orgasm.”

  “Oh, so…”

  He put his head in his hands. “Now I’ve come full circle from P.E. to E.D. So next, I think it might just fall off.”

  Moving to sit next to him on the bed, she looked at him with concern. “No pressure… Why don’t we have a cup of coffee and then try again later?”

  He exhaled deeply. “I think I’m just going to go. When I did it in your bathroom, it was over in about three seconds. I think I’m just going to give up on sex forever. I’ve had enough embarrassment.”

  “I can help you with your problem. I’ve been doing some research online, and I have some experience with—”

  “I appreciate it, but we’re supposed to be on a date, not having a therapy session.”

  He grabbed his underwear, and while he slipped them on he couldn’t even look at her. “I’m very sorry. You’re gorgeous and fun and I wish…”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  He gave her a half-smile, finished getting dressed, and left.

  Later that night, Victoria searched the Internet for information on P.E. since she thought that was John’s real problem. That first night they were playing around, he had no trouble at all getting an erection, so she felt he didn’t have an E.D. problem. She reviewed sites, made notes, and prepared an e-mail with links, suggestions, and exercises for John. She sent it to him and added a note with an offer to act as his partner on the exercises that required two people.

  10

  Two weeks later, Brian took the 7:20 p.m. flight out of Philadelphia and arrived in Miami at 9:32. Victoria was waiting for him at the airport. As they neared Victoria’s house, she said, “I spoke to Jillian before she left, and she doesn’t suspect a thing.”

  “Great.”

  Spotting him wearing a big smile, she said, “Look at you.”

  “What?”

  “Look how excited you are.”

  “Me, no… I’m just—”

  “It’s okay. You’re finally about to have some good sex. It won’t be like one of your regular, lame sexual experiences.”

  “Wait! What do you mean, ‘regular, lame sexual experiences’? Our regular sex is amazing. It isn’t lame at all.”

  “Okay, sure…”

  “I’m serious. We have great sex.”

  “Geez, I believe you, I just meant this will be, you know, something new. So don’t screw it up.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Don’t give her too much advanced warning, or it’ll be—”

  He glared at her.

  She said, “I mean, just wait un
til you’re outside the house to call her.”

  “I know. I know.”

  As she pulled the car into the driveway, he gave her a solemn look. “And it’s the three-month anniversary of when I first saw her. We met on March twentieth… It’s kind of creepy that I know that, isn’t it? I’m a giant loser.”

  “I think it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.” Turning to him, she put a hand on his arm and smiled. “Now, go violate our girl.”

  “Okay!” he said enthusiastically. After he took a moment to replay her last comment over in his head, he frowned. His eyes shifted back to her bright smile. “Um, that doesn’t sound right.”

  “Oh, you know what I mean.” Victoria waved a hand dismissively. “So, you’ve got the key, right?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Make sure I get that ski mask back. It’s one of the best ones I’ve found for indoor use. It’s incredibly cool and breathable.”

  He gave her a look.

  “What? I had a friend who liked to use it every now and then.”

  After handing him the keys, she smiled proudly as he backed out of the driveway. As she watched him pull away, she thought, How cute is that… three-month anniversary. She turned and headed for the door. Her smile faded as her mind went from the word anniversary to the word twentieth. It was June twentieth; seventeen years ago, she had married David exactly one month later on July twentieth. It was a day they always joked about, because on this day, seventeen years ago, he had two-dozen peach carnations delivered to her in anticipation of the big day to come. As she unlocked the door while wearing a somber look, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about it all day. She was certainly thinking about it now.

  Two hours later, Brian parked his car in front of the beach house. The house was completely dark. Just then, he spotted a light turn on and shine through a second story window, and he smiled. Slipping out of his clothes, he struggled into the tight, black long-sleeved shirt and tight black pants that Victoria had given him.

  He paused while going over the plan in his head, then shook his head. “Viagra,” he mumbled under his breath. He searched the bag for a bottle of pills and could not find any. Picking up his phone, he searched his contact list for Victoria’s number.

  Victoria’s cell phone rang as she sat on her sofa, wearing a short robe and a sad expression while looking though her wedding photo album. She checked the display and saw it was Jillian.

  “You’ll never guess what I’m doing right now.”

  “Um, Brian?” Victoria replied hesitantly.

  “No!”

  Just then Victoria received Brian’s call. She glanced at the display then asked Jillian to hold on.

  “Brian, I’ve got Jillian on the other line. What’s up?”

  “Can’t find the Viagra.”

  “It’s right there in the bag.”

  In the car, he checked the bag again. “It’s really not here.”

  “Oh, sorry… Shit. Check the glove box. I think I have some in there.”

  He opened the glove box and found a pill bottle hidden under the owner’s manual. He scoffed. “You have to be the only woman on the planet who keeps Viagra in her car.”

  “You never know when you’ll need it.”

  “I guess.”

  “So where are you?”

  “Parked outside the beach house. I see a light on upstairs. Looks like she’s ready for bed and some fun.”

  “Great. Are you ready to go in?”

  He studied the pill curiously. “Just have to pop our little friend here and then call her.”

  “I’ve got her on the other line, so I’ll tell her about the plan.”

  “Cool. Just have her shut the light off when she’s ready for me.”

  “I will. Good luck.”

  “Thanks.” After clicking off the call, he swallowed the pill with a gulp of water.

  Victoria switched back to Jillian. “Jillian, I’ve got—” Hearing music and a number of voices on the line, she repeated, “Jillian, Jillian.”

  “Victoria?” Jillian said loudly, “Hey, you’ll never guess who I’m looking at right now.”

  “I don’t—”

  “I’m at the hotel bar, and—”

  “You’re still at the hotel?” Victoria interrupted. “You need to get back to the house!”

  “Why?”

  “Brian is there now.”

  “Oh, he’s going to surprise me? That’s so sweet.”

  “Yes, he’s going to—”

  Jillian said, “Oh, shit! Rob’s there. I’m not thinking all that clearly. I’ve had a few drinks.”

  “Rob’s there?” Victoria repeated, alarmed.

  “Yeah, he was depressed over this Laura thing, so I asked him to come. Oh my God, how do I explain this to—”

  “Jillian, there’s something else. He’s planning to sneak into the house and kinda…”

  “What?”

  “He’s going to play out your forced-sex fantasy… fantasy.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  “Because he wanted to do something really hot and special, and he asked me, and I, uh, told him—”

  “You did what?”

  “I just gave him some—”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’m telling you now.”

  “Oh my God… I… I’m getting in the car now and I’ll be there in five minutes. You call him on his cell and stop him.”

  The line went dead, and after mumbling an obscenity to herself, Victoria scrolled, panic stricken, through her contacts, searching for the number.

  In the car, Brian attempted to put his wallet and cell phone in the pockets of the pants, but they were too tight. After placing them in the glove box instead, he stared up at the second story window and waited.

  A moment later, the light turned out, and he smiled. “Here we go.” After climbing out of the car, carrying the ski mask and rope, he headed toward the house.

  He unlocked the door and slipped inside. Sitting on the sofa, he unzipped his fly, fished out his penis, and worked it until it was hard. It responded quickly. Victoria was right; he had never before seen it this hard or big. Yay for Viagra!

  After looking down at it, impressed, he stood and adjusted the pants so that his rigid prize was sticking out as much as humanly possible. He pulled the ski mask over his head, grabbed the rope, and tiptoed up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, he went into one room with an open door and found it empty. He approached another room with a closed door, paused outside a moment, quietly opened the door, and went inside. He could hear the sounds of breathing and could barely make out the figure of a person lying in bed in the darkened room.

  “Oh, you’re pretending to sleep,” he whispered.

  Grinning, he made his way to the bed, placed the rope down on the mattress, and let his eyes adjust to the completely dark room. He glanced down at his penis; it was still huge. He smiled, then moved near the headboard and pushed his penis toward the mouth of the person sleeping in the bed. As he gently rubbed his swollen head against the person’s lips, he whispered the dialogue he’d read in Jillian’s novel, “You’re going to suck my big, dirty cock, or I’m going to kill you.”

  Rob was asleep until he felt something on his lips. He sleepily wrinkled his nose and mouth, and then reached up to see what it was. When his hand touched the fleshy appendage, he wrapped his fingers around it while struggling to reach consciousness. Hearing someone moan deeply, Rob opened his eyes and found himself looking right at a one-eyed monster. As he struggled to figure out what exactly was happening, the man repeated, “Suck it or—”

  Groaning in horror, Rob quickly released the penis in his grasp and punched the dark figure in the stomach in one swift motion. He flipped out of bed on the opposite side while emitting a high-pitched squeal.

  The intruder collapsed to the floor with the wind knocked out of him. After a moment spent gasping for breath, he managed to say, “Oh, fuck.”
>
  Rob rushed to the light switch and flipped it. When his eyes finally adjusted to the brightened room, he discovered a man dressed in black and wearing a ski mask, a huge boner sticking out of his pants.

  “I’m going to kill you, you fucking pervert,” Rob shouted as he moved toward the man.

  “Rob, wait!” The man held his stomach with one hand and put his other hand up. “It’s me… Brian.”

  Rob froze in complete shock.

  Reaching up, the man pulled off his mask.

  “Brian, what the fuck?” Rob looked at him in complete surprise.

  “I can explain.” Brian struggled to his feet, his penis still sticking straight out.

  Sickened, Rob glanced down at it, and then put his hand at an angle to shield his view. Looking down, Brian saw it as well, grabbed a pillow, and put it in front of his groin.

  “What are you doing here?” Brian asked.

  “Evidently, I’m being molested by my best friend,” Rob replied sarcastically.

  “No, I mean, you’re not supposed to be here, are you?”

  “Well, no, but… Wait. I have a question. Why the fuck are you dressed like a serial killer with your dick sticking out and—”

  “I… uh…”

  Rob flashed back a moment and gave him a horrified look. “Dude, did your dick touch my lips? Were you trying to shove it in my—”

  “No, I wasn’t looking for you. I, uh…” Brian began and looked at him, unsure how to answer.

  After placing his hand to his lips, Rob then moved it to his nose, and cringed. “Ah, my hand smells like cock! What the fuck?”

  Jillian burst into the room, scaring the crap out of Brian, who dropped the pillow. Their mouths wide open, Jillian and Rob both looked down at Brian’s erection. She tore her eyes from it first. “Brian, what, uh…”

  “Thank God you weren’t here.” Rob turned to his mother. “He was…” Heading to the night table, he picked up the phone. “I’m calling the police.”

  Jillian lifted her hands to him. “Wait.”

  “Mom, he was looking for you. He must be obsessed with you. He was going to rape you and kill you. It’s all my fault.”

  Brian rolled his eyes. “Geez, I wasn’t going to kill her.”