Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “That’s a relief,” Rob said sarcastically. “But you were going to have sex with her?”

  “Well…” Brian shrugged. “Technically, yes.”

  The anger boiled over in Rob. After dropping the phone, he rushed over to Brian and grabbed him around the neck. “I’m not going to call the police. I’m just going to kill you myself.”

  Rob squeezed him around the neck more tightly. Brian looked to be in distress.

  Devastated, Jillian screamed, “ROB, STOP IT!”

  As Brian grabbed Rob’s wrists, Rob stared at his mother, confused. “If we’re lucky, he’ll be convicted and serve maybe two years. Then he’ll get out and come back for you. I’m not going to let him.”

  “YOU’RE HURTING HIM. I LOVE HIM!”

  Releasing his grip slightly, Rob moved his perplexed look to Brian.

  “Now, let him go.”

  Rob released him completely, and Brian moved away, coughing, choking, and catching his breath. Rob turned toward his mother. “You love him?”

  “Yes, we’ve been seeing each other since Spring Break, and we fell in love.”

  Rob glared at Brian and returned his attention to Jillian, even more baffled. “I’m so confused right now.”

  Leaning against the wall, Brian rubbed his neck as he struggled to speak. “It just… just happened. I don’t know what to say.” His penis was still huge and sticking straight out.

  They looked down at it, Rob sickened and Jillian absolutely flabbergasted. She asked, “Why the hell are you still hard?”

  “Viagra,” Brian said faintly.

  “Huh?” was all she could think to say.

  Grabbing the pillow again, Brian covered up.

  Jillian looked apologetically at her son. “Please sit down.”

  Rob moved over to the bed in a haze and sat. He looked up at her as she began, “We’re getting married.”

  “What?”

  “We’re in love, and we’re getting married. I wanted to tell you last week, but you were so depressed that—”

  Rob gave her an incredulous look. “He’s going to be my new stepfather?”

  “Well…” She looked at Brian, confused, and her eyes wandered back to Rob. “I mean, uh, I guess.”

  “No one expects you to call me Dad or anything.” As soon as Brian started, he knew it was the wrong thing to say, but he couldn’t stop. Jillian gave him a wide-eyed stare, and Rob just glared at him. After shrugging his shoulders, Brian added, “I can’t be responsible for what I’m saying. All the blood is, uh, well you… I’ll just shut up now.”

  She shook her head while holding her chin.

  Standing, Rob gave them an angry look. “This is not happening.” He went to a drawer, grabbed shorts and a shirt, and put them on as Jillian watched, unsure of what to say. He moved directly in front of her. “Please just give me the car keys.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m driving home.”

  “Why don’t you wait until morning?”

  Rob shook his head, incensed, grabbed his wallet off the dresser and his cell phone from the bed, and returned to stand in front of his mother, waiting. “I need your car keys.”

  She glanced at Brian then back to Rob, opening her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “The keys, please.”

  She gave him a weak smile. “Okay, maybe it’s best if we all cool off and talk later. You haven’t been drinking, have you?”

  “No.”

  “You be careful. It’s late and…” She handed over the keys. “I’ll see you at the house tomorrow, and we can talk about this.”

  “I won’t be there then.”

  “Rob.”

  “What?”

  She sighed. “Just… I’m sorry, and I love you.”

  After giving her a skeptical look, Rob took off down the steps.

  A few minutes later, Jillian called Victoria, and after chewing her out for putting Brian up to this ridiculous stunt, told her Rob was on his way home. Two hours later, Jillian sat up in bed, completely worried, as she tried Rob’s cell phone again and again. He didn’t answer. Brian was next to her in bed, his boner making quite a tent under the sheets.

  She glared down at the protrusion. “Really?”

  “Happy anniversary,” he said sheepishly.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “We met three months ago today.” She looked at him like she couldn’t care less at the moment. He motioned with his eyes back to his problem. “It won’t go down. Do you want to do it… maybe?”

  “Yeah, let’s have sex. My son could be in a ditch somewhere, but let’s go. What position do you want me in?”

  He rolled his eyes as he pulled off the sheets, exposing his huge erection to her. “I have to do something before I need to go to the hospital.”

  Looking at his penis, she became a little sickened. “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.”

  “Sometimes it’s not easy.” He looked up at the ceiling for a moment. “Would you mind, uh, if I took care of this myself, then… in the bathroom?”

  She exhaled deeply. “If you have to.” He got up, and she scowled. “Use the one downstairs. I don’t want to hear you moaning and all that.” Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes. “Just don’t make a big production out of it.”

  In the downstairs bathroom, it took Brian thirty-five minutes and three orgasms before his erection would subside. When he returned upstairs, Jillian simply glared at him. After shrugging his shoulders, he slipped into bed next to her and rolled on his side, looking away as he struggled to fall asleep.

  11

  It was nearly 2:00 a.m., and Victoria was still awake, wearing only a short, silky robe as she sat in her living room. For the last thirty minutes, she’d been doing a combination of thinking, frowning, and beer guzzling. An hour earlier in bed, she found her mind racing with thoughts about David. Giving up on sleep, she got out of bed, went to the closet and retrieved the gift David had given her only days before he died. It was the replica of his erect penis, the one he made from a kit. It was a perfect copy of his manhood, and the closest link she still had to him. After holding it and realizing how much she missed him, she came to appreciate how much she missed the real thing even more.

  Maybe if she hadn’t found out David had been cheating on her with her then-best friend, her mind wouldn’t have gone to other men so quickly. She was still sad and thinking of David, but more than that, she missed sex.

  Going through the contacts on her phone, she could find no one to call. All her male friends were no longer available for play dates. Some had moved away, others were in new relationships, and one had even come out of the closet.

  So she decided to get drunk instead. She emptied her bottle with one last big gulp and stood to get another, setting the replica on the coffee table on her way to the kitchen. As she was returning to the living room with her fourth beer, she heard a knock at the front door and headed over. Looking out the sidelight, she discovered Rob, looking depressed.

  She opened the door and informed him, “Your mother called.”

  He looked up at her with a sad expression. “I know why I’m a mess, but what the hell is wrong with you?”

  “You can tell?”

  “You look horrible.” She glared at him, and he corrected, “I mean, you’re usually so put together. You still look amazing, but what’s wrong?”

  “Just thinking about some old bad memories.”

  “Depression must be going around.”

  “Come on in, and we can get drunk together.”

  Smiling weakly, Rob walked in, and she closed the door.

  “I’m already a few ahead. Here take this one.” She handed him the beer. He chugged back a healthy sip as she headed back toward the kitchen. “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.”

  “Better bring me another while you’re in there,” he called to her.

  He sat on the sofa and immediately noticed the
large, realistic dildo standing straight up on the coffee table. Staring at it while holding back a laugh, he quickly emptied the beer.

  She returned with two beers and handed him one.

  “Did you know my mother was seeing Brian? Wait. Of course you knew. She tells you everything.”

  Sitting down across from him on the other sofa, she took a quick sip and shrugged.

  He sighed. “I can’t believe my best friend was sneaking around behind my back and sleeping with my mother. How could he do that to me?”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Aren’t you forgetting about you and Natalie?”

  “That’s completely different.”

  “Yeah it is different.” She scoffed. “You screwed Natalie, because you were horny and wanted to get laid, and Brian and Jillian are actually in love.”

  Rob rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”

  “Look, love can make you do crazy things. It can make you lie or hurt the people you care most about.”

  “I know. I know. But—”

  “I think they’re both very happy together. Just take some time, and maybe you’ll see that they really—”

  “Okay.” After letting out a big sigh, he looked down to the floor, holding his head. “I get it.”

  She studied his expression. “Is this what has you so down, or is it something else?”

  “It’s part of it… Laura and I broke up.”

  She gave him a sympathetic look. “You’ll get back together.”

  “No. It’s for good this time.”

  “What happened?”

  After looking away for a moment, he said, “I don’t want to talk about it. Do you mind if I sleep here? I don’t want to go home tonight. I don’t want to be there in case they come back early.”

  “Sure, if you don’t mind sleeping on the sofa. I’ve got the guest room all a mess. I’m painting in there.”

  “This is fine.”

  Victoria pulled her legs onto the sofa, and her robe rode up, exposing her firm thighs and shapely calves. Glancing at her, he tilted back the beer until he emptied the bottle. She looked over to him. “Does Jillian know where you are?”

  “No.” After a second’s pause, he grinned.

  She gave him a strange look. “What is it?”

  “Am I interrupting something?”

  “Just sadness. It’s David. This was the anniversary of…” Noticing Rob’s facial expression remaining unchanged, she frowned at him. “Really, what’s so funny?”

  “Do you know you have a huge dildo right there on the table?”

  She glanced at it, and then covered her face with her hand. After chuckling, she stared at the ceiling with her head resting on the back of the sofa. “Oh shit. Sorry about that. That’s also David.”

  Rob looked at her like she must be joking; she returned a slightly embarrassed nod.

  “What do you mean?” Picking up the dildo from the table, he looked quizzically at it.

  “That’s a replica of his penis. He made it for me before he died, but… after he cheated on me. At least, I think he made it after.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t know that it was—”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  He took a close look at it. “How do you make one of these?”

  “They sell a kit. You make a mold and pour in this stuff.”

  “Huh.” He studied the dildo from all angles. “He was pretty impressive.”

  She nodded slowly. “Yeah, he was.”

  Grinning, he flashed his eyes at her. “It looks a lot like mine.”

  Victoria gave him a big smile, and then they both broke into laughter.

  “Laura must be a lucky girl then.”

  “Let’s not talk about her.”

  He placed the dildo back on the table, stood, and motioned to Victoria with his beer. “You want another?”

  “Sure.” As he headed toward the kitchen, she changed her mind. “Hey, do you want to do shots instead?”

  Compromising, they settled on doing both.

  Rob and Victoria spent the next thirty minutes doing shots, joking around, and talking. She was incredibly buzzed, and her depression was lifting a bit. A few minutes later, she made up the sofa for Rob. He watched as she bent over to tuck in the sheets around the cushion, and her robe lifted up, exposing a beautiful view of her perfect ass and firm, muscular legs. He felt the blood rushing to his penis and the shots going to his head.

  After retiring to her room, Victoria lay in bed. She looked out her open door and watched as Rob walked from the bathroom to the sofa. He was wearing only boxer shorts, which appeared to be hiding an impressive package. She’d never seen him naked before, but even though she only caught a glimpse of his bulge, she guessed he was nearly hard. Maybe he had just masturbated in her bathroom and was slowly deflating or maybe seeing her, in her robe had turned him on. She promised Jillian months ago that she wouldn’t corrupt her son. I will not get up from this bed, she vowed.

  He turned off the light and lay down on the sofa as thoughts filled his head. What the hell was Brian doing fucking his mother? Maybe it was good thing. She finally seemed happy, but couldn’t she meet someone her own age? And what about Laura? Was it actually over?

  His penis had been almost fully hard since he saw Victoria bend over in that robe. It was fighting against his boxer shorts. Reaching in, he worked it without thinking.

  He tossed the covers off and looked down at his straining erection. He knew Victoria was attracted to him. She had to be. He knew about the young men she dated. But should he really make a move on her? Would she be creeped out? He knew she was sad, because she’d been thinking about David. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do… He pulled his boxers down and began silently stroking himself as he lay on the sofa. Her door was open, but he hadn’t heard her make a sound in there since he lay down. Removing his hand from his penis, he sat up on the sofa. The moonlight was shining in Victoria’s room, and he peered in. He could see her lying in bed.

  What if I just get up and walk past her door? Maybe she’s in there, lonely and wanting me, just like I want her. Maybe this would be just the thing both of us need. If she doesn’t give me a sign, I won’t go in. But if she does, I’m going for it.

  That last shot was working its magic on Victoria as she lay in bed wondering what Rob was doing. She lifted her head and looked through the door, but all she could make out was that he was sitting on the sofa. A soft light shone on his broad shoulders. She decided to uncover herself. She wouldn’t make a move on him, but if he came in and saw her naked in bed, then it was meant to be. She always slept naked, and it was a little hot in her room on this night, so there was nothing out of the ordinary for the covers to be off—at least, that’s what she told herself. It had been more than two months since she’d had real sex with a man (John didn’t count). She desperately wanted to be filled up with a real, hard penis and brought to thunderous orgasm.

  Seconds later, Rob stood in the doorway and drank in the sight of Victoria. He watched her open-mouthed as she lay there, slowly rubbing her feet together. When she spread her legs apart, he could see the curve of her rear end summoning him closer. He slowly made his way to her while gazing down at her perfect form. Looking at her face, he could see that she lay on her side with her head near the edge of the bed.

  He was not even two feet from her with his erection pointing right at her face. Reaching out, he gently touched her lower back. She exhaled deeply and brought her hand to him. His eyes slammed shut as she pulled him toward her face.

  After twenty amazing minutes of drunken, wild sex it was finally over. Victoria pulled away, and then slipped under the sheets next to him while wondering what the hell she had just done. Her buzz was still in full swing, but she knew this was a mistake. His hand rested on her hip, and their feet were touching. She grasped her pillow while facing away from him as they both tumbled into an alcohol-induced sleep.

  The next morning, Victoria woke first and rolled over to find Rob nak
ed and sleeping next to her. The enormity of their connection began to weigh on her. She closed her eyes, mortified. What the fuck had she done? Shit, the one guy on the planet she really shouldn’t sleep with… and she had slept with him. Would Jillian ever speak to her again if she found out? Opening her eyes, she lifted the sheets to look him over. Then she heard a knock at the front door. She lay frozen for a moment until the second knock launched her from the bed to look out the window. She spotted Jillian’s car in the driveway next to her own car, which Brian had borrowed. They were back.

  “Get up!”

  He didn’t move. Returning to bed, she pushed hard on his chest. His eyes shot open. Seeing her naked body, he groggily smiled. “You want to do it again?”

  “No! Your mother’s here.”

  “What?”

  “She’s at the front door.”

  “Just don’t answer it.”

  “Your car’s outside. We have to let her in, or she’ll think—”

  “What, that we fucked?” He stared up at her with a grin.

  “We can’t tell her about this!”

  “I won’t tell her.”

  Pushing hard, she drove him off the bed with strength she didn’t know she possessed. “Now put something on and get back out to that sofa now.”

  From his knees, he glanced up at her in shock. “Okay. Jesus.”

  A louder knock at the door startled her. “I’ll get the door. You get out of here and put something on.”

  He rushed from the room as she went to her dresser.

  Victoria wore old sweatpants and a sweatshirt as she opened the door to find Jillian wearing a sad, concerned look. “Is he here?”

  “Yes.” Victoria stepped aside. Rob sat up from the sofa wearing an award-winning drowsy look.

  “Hi, Mrs. Nash,” he said sarcastically.

  “Okay, I… I didn’t want you to find out this—”

  He cut her off. “I don’t want to talk about it now.”

  Jillian thought she saw a hint of guilt in Victoria’s expression, so she searched Rob’s face for any hint of the same, but all she found there was a silly grin. Looking back at her friend, she asked casually, “So, what’d you guys do last night?”

  Victoria glanced at Rob then quickly back to Jillian. “We were both a little depressed, so we had some drinks and then just went to sleep.”