Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  After secretly spending the night in a hotel and barely getting any sleep, the three victims of posttraumatic stress disorder sat together in the tight seats of a southbound plane. Jillian stared straight ahead as she said, “Your parents need a lot of therapy.”

  The Nash boys simply nodded. Glancing at Jim and Brian, she felt sorry for them both. She would make a home for Brian, but what about Jim? He needed someone to put him on the right path.

  “Maybe when Victoria gets her license, she could help them?” Jillian raised her eyebrows to Brian. He gave her a look that said, Are you nuts? She shook her head and added, “Bad idea.”

  Jillian thought, Victoria—yeah, Victoria. Maybe I should introduce Jim to Victoria. Would that be a good thing for him? Even though Jim had that incredible night in Atlantic City, he still has a long way to go to get over his shyness. Victoria can definitely help with his admittedly lacking oral sex skills. Jim is certainly her type, but could that scar him for life? Oh wait—Victoria’s exclusively dating John. Well, that’s the end of that. Maybe Rob knows of a nice girl?

  With his eyes floating between Jim and Jillian, Brian said, “Let’s never discuss the closet or the room again.”

  “Okay,” they both agreed.

  “Did you delete the recording?”

  “Yes,” Jim replied.

  “Let’s talk about something else—anything else,” she said.

  The three sat in silence for a moment, struggling to erase the sounds from their minds. All three shared a similar thought: Thank God I didn’t actually see what was going on in the room… that would be much, much harder to erase from my memory.

  After a few more minutes of silent reflection, Jim smiled. “Well, Atlantic City was a blast.”

  “Some of us had a little more fun than others,” Brian said with a grin.

  Jillian elbowed him. “You didn’t have a good time?”

  “I didn’t say that, but you’ve got to admit Jim might have had a little better time.”

  Jim looked on with a smile as Jillian frowned. “What about,” she whispered the rest in Brian’s ear.

  Remembering, he put on an evil grin. “Oh yeah that was pretty, uh—”

  Jim shook his head at the happy couple as he turned to the window. He began to daydream about Caroline’s sexy body, and the events from the previous night. He moved his hands over his lap.

  20

  While Jillian was away, Victoria spent every night with John. They alternated between sleeping at her house and his. They had sex every day, and his performance improved with every session. She was enjoying having a real boyfriend for the first time in almost two years.

  The night Jillian returned from Delaware, she invited Victoria over for dinner. John had a late practice session and couldn’t make it, but Victoria was looking forward to catching up with Jillian and meeting Brian’s younger brother.

  Jim, Victoria, and Brian sat outside after finishing a steak dinner. They all wore swimsuits. Jim had a hard time not staring at Victoria, as her bikini was incredibly sexy. Victoria had, of course, noticed him as well, and as she stared, nearly salivating at him, Jillian emerged from the house carrying a bottle of champagne and wearing a huge smile.

  “We have some news for both of you,” Brian said.

  Jim and Victoria looked on curiously as Jillian joined them at the table. Brian poured the champagne. “I’ve asked this beautiful, amazing woman to marry me, and she said yes.”

  “What’s her name? When can we meet her?” Victoria joked.

  Brian and Jillian glared at her. Jim found himself strangely beginning to get a little emotional. He moved his hands to cover his mouth.

  “I already knew this, so what’s my news?” Victoria asked.

  Jillian said, “I would like you to be my maid of honor.”

  Victoria smiled. “I was never going to speak to you again if you didn’t ask me.”

  Brian noticed Jim wearing the expression of a ten-year-old boy who just found out his dog died. “Are you okay?”

  Jim curled his lip as he stammered, “I, uh… I’m just so happy for you both. You make… a perfect couple… and maybe you’ll…” His words trailed off as he worked to regain his composure.

  Jillian waved her hand in front of her face, fighting off tears, as she watched Jim’s reaction.

  Almost grimacing, Brian tentatively said, “Jimmy, I’d, uh, like you to be my best man.”

  Jim exhaled deeply, and a single tear fell from his eye. Brian gave him an odd look. Jim’s lip quivered. He quickly wiped away the tear. “I don’t know why I’m having… this reaction. It’s like that John Boehner guy. He talks about kids…” He tried to pull himself together by clearing his throat. “…that he doesn’t even know, and he loses it—and he’s the damn Speaker of the House.” Standing, he turned away from them.

  All eyes were on him. Victoria’s mouth was wide open. Jillian appeared to be moved beyond words.

  Brian gave his brother a concerned look. “Dude, do you need a Valium or something?”

  “No, I’m going to be okay.” Turning back with his emotions under control, Jim smiled. “I might need to take one during the ceremony. I don’t know what it is…” He laughed then let out a long, slow breath. “Maybe, uh because our parents have always been such freaks…” He started to well up again and his voice cracked as he continued, “…and this shows me there’s hope for us to… I don’t know, have our own normal families. It’s stupid, but I…”

  Jillian rushed to Jim and hugged him, really losing it now. Victoria and Brian stood and hugged. Brian moved to Jim, and the guys shook hands as the women shared an embrace. When Jim turned to Victoria, he noticed she was holding back her own emotions, just before she grabbed him, pressing her hot body against his. He quickly forgot about the wedding. She squeezed him tight for a long, long time; his penis quickly responded. It pressed into her abdomen just before she let him go. After glancing down at his bulge, Victoria quickly returned her eyes to his face.

  Jillian said, “Brian get a picture of the best man and maid of honor.” Brian grabbed his phone from the table.

  Victoria put her arm around Jim and posed. He looked down nervously at his crotch, and then put his arm around Victoria. He covered his groin with his other hand and did his best to smile. Brian snapped a picture.

  Jim lifted his hand and began to say, “That’s enough—” just as Brian snapped a second picture. Jim looked down at his unmistakable bulge. He quickly headed to the pool and dove in, as the others watched in surprise.

  He came up out of the water. “Sorry, I just needed to cool off.”

  Victoria waved her hand in front of her face. “I know. It is a little hot out here.”

  Jillian huddled over with Brian as they looked at the tiny thumbnail pictures. She said, “Wow, just like that, they’re already out on Facebook?”

  Jim’s face contorted into one of worry. “Already huh. I wanted to…”

  Brian asked, “What?”

  “Oh, I just wanted to make sure my, uh, hair was…”

  Brian scoffed. “Since when do you care about your hair?”

  “I don’t, I—”

  “Your hair is fine and you guys look good together.” Jillian smiled. “Just make sure you don’t outshine the bride and groom.”

  Jim looked into the water and found that his issue was nowhere close to subsiding. He asked, “Can someone please bring me my champagne?”

  Springing into action, Victoria walked to the pool with the drink. Jim made his way to the edge. She knelt down in front of him, and he glanced initially at her crotch. In that bikini, he could make out the faintest outline of her womanly parts. He exhaled deeply—that did not help his condition. His eyes traveled north as she extended her hand with the glass. He was staring into the most gorgeous and perfect cleavage he’d ever seen. His problem was suddenly much, much worse.

  He swallowed hard. “Thanks.”

  Victoria looked into the clear water and grinned.
Turning away, Jim took a big gulp of champagne.

  Victoria sat on the edge of the pool, dipped her legs in the water, and sighed. “This does feel good.”

  Returning his attention to her, Jim gave her a quick nod and an awkward smile. He watched as she cupped her hands in the pool and drizzled the water on her thighs, stomach, and shoulders.

  “Oh, shit…” he whispered to himself, and then he downed the entire glass of champagne.

  Later in the kitchen, Jim was alone as he reviewed the pictures on Brian’s phone. He found the picture in question and what he saw sent him into a panic. The thumbnail did not show much of a concern, but as he zoomed in on the problem area, there was a clear issue. He figured it would look much worse on Facebook when viewed on a large computer screen. Hearing footsteps, he quickly put down the phone.

  Victoria had changed from her bikini, and she, Brian, and Jillian entered the room.

  Victoria said to Jim, “It was great meeting you.”

  “I, uh, yes, nice to meet you, too.”

  She opened her arms to him, and they embraced quickly.

  Turning to Jillian, his mouth dry with panic, Jim asked, “Do you have a computer I could use? I just need to check, uh, e-mail.”

  “Sure. At the top of the steps—the first room on the right.”

  He took off, painfully aware of everyone staring after him, looking concerned.

  Victoria parked in John’s driveway. Seeing Jim and hugging him had gotten her a little worked up, so she was glad to have a boyfriend to take care of her needs. She promised herself that she wouldn’t fantasize about Jim while she was with John. She knocked on the door and heard giggling inside.

  John opened the door, holding a glass of wine. He began in a cheery voice, “Hello th…” but his joviality faded when he recognized Victoria.

  Victoria peered beyond him and saw his ex-wife, Mary, halfway up the stairs and also carrying a glass. She, too, appeared to be in a great mood.

  Doe-eyed, John’s smile faded. He quickly looked up at Mary, then back to Victoria. “Hi, uh, Victoria?”

  Mary came down the stairs, now wearing an even happier expression. “Oh, my God, is this her?”

  “Yes.”

  “I just want to thank you for curing John. He’s told me all about the therapy and how you just completely took care of his problem.”

  Victoria noticed John staring back at her with raised eyebrows. Playing along, she returned her attention to Mary and painted on a smile. “Oh, did he?”

  “I’m Mary, by the way.”

  “I’m just glad that I could help,” Victoria said.

  “Oh, you did. It’s just like it was when we were dating. You are a miracle worker.”

  Victoria paused a moment, her heart suddenly stopping, and then beating faster as she held back a frown. “That’s just fantastic.”

  John stammered, “I, uh, yeah, she’s amazing.”

  “What brings you out?” Mary asked.

  “Oh, I check on all my patients in their homes. It’s just something I do.”

  Mary smiled and shook her head. “Now, that’s personal service. You don’t see that at all anymore.”

  Victoria returned a polite nod.

  Mary said, “Well, everything’s fine here. In fact, we were about to go up and do a little therapy—if you know what I mean.”

  Mary chuckled and Victoria broke into a genuine laugh with her. John, however, was not amused. He said, “Oh, I think I owe you a check. Honey, why don’t you go up, and I’ll take care of this and—”

  “Oh, okay. Nice to meet you.”

  “Wonderful to meet you.”

  Mary headed back toward the stairs.

  John walked Victoria to her car as he explained, “I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you but didn’t know how. It just happened, and I guess we’re still in love. I never stopped loving her… She’s the mother of my—”

  “Really, you don’t need to explain. I’m actually glad I could help you both out. She’s… she’s adorable. You guys should try to work it out.” She was truly happy for him.

  “Seriously, you’re not angry?”

  “Do you want me to be?”

  He frowned a bit. “Well, maybe. I hoped you’d be a little disappointed.”

  “I like you, John. You’re a good man. I learned recently that life is short. You’ve got to do what makes you happy. If you had asked me to marry you and then pulled this crap, well then we’d be having another… louder… conversation right now, but…”

  “Gosh, you are one amazing woman.”

  She smiled then gave him a quick hug. “You’d better get back in there.”

  After a hug, Victoria got into her car and watched, smiling, as he returned to the house. As she pulled out of the driveway, the smile turned to a huge grin as she thought, when one door closes, another one opens—and sometimes it’s a younger, cuter, sexier one.

  Jim banged on Jillian’s door to locate his brother. Jillian told him he was in the shower, but that he’d be right out. A few minutes later, Brian discovered Jim in the den looking distraught and sitting in front of the computer.

  “What the hell is it? I was just about to—”

  “Just look at the picture.” Jim frowned at him with a tired expression and moved aside as Brian leaned in closer to the screen.

  “She is attractive, isn’t she?” Brian remarked.

  “Not her—look at me.”

  “You look like an idiot. So?”

  Jim rolled his eyes. “Look LOWER!”

  Brian’s eyes traveled down the picture and spotted the huge bulge in Jim’s swim trunks. Jim double-clicked the picture to zoom in so that the outline of his erection was clearly visible through the thin fabric of his suit.

  “Wow, you uh…”

  Jim exhaled deeply.

  Brian said, “Seconds before I took the picture, you were crying, and then you have wood? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s not even pos—”

  “I was not crying.”

  Brian gave him a skeptical look.

  “Okay, I was crying a little. Take the damn picture down before it goes viral.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  Jim got up from the seat so Brian could log in to his page.

  Two blocks away, Victoria sat in front of her large PC monitor, looking at the same photo. Nude from the waist down, she licked her lips, sighed, and used two fingers to slowly pleasure herself. Just as she was approaching orgasm, Brian left Jim in the den. Jim brought up the remaining picture of him and Victoria—the one with his hand covering his groin. He got up and locked the door—he liked having doors with locks. After pulling down his shorts, he placed them neatly on top of the chair, sat his naked ass down on them, and did things to himself that happened to be the same things Victoria was currently fantasizing about doing to him. They both finished at just about the same time.

  21

  The next morning, Jillian invited Victoria over for a light breakfast and a game of doubles with Jim and Brian. Victoria hadn’t played in almost a year; she was a competent player but preferred indoor sports. Victoria picked out her sexiest thong underwear, shortest tennis skirt, and most cleavage-revealing, skintight top, put her hair in a ponytail, and headed over.

  Jim sat at the outdoor table and nearly spit out the orange juice he was sipping when he saw Victoria heading his way. As she approached, there was rock music playing in his head, and it seemed like she was walking toward him almost in slow motion, with her bright smile and full breasts bouncing ever-so-slightly with each seductive step.

  He politely stood and pulled out a chair for her. She smiled at him, impressed, and then took a seat. After stealing a glance at her cleavage, he looked into her eyes. And as he gazed, mesmerized, at her he thought, I should have jerked off today. How the hell will I get through this match without… My God, she’s beautiful, and… She can’t be older than thirty-five, right?

  After the foursome enjoyed their breakfast and some conver
sation, they headed to the court. Jim and Victoria won the first set six-four, but they were down in the second set four-two. Jim noticed that Victoria let him handle most of the work. She moved out of the way on many occasions as he flew all around the court, panting and sweating, and returning almost every shot. She only seemed to be taking the shots when there was no other option. A couple of times, he spotted her sizing him up, wearing an expression that suggested she might be interested in more than just his tennis skills. At other times, she appeared antsy, like she’d rather be doing something else. Jim was dying to know what was actually running through her mind.

  Observing Jillian and Brian whispering to each other on their side of the court, Jim approached Victoria. “Are you tired or…”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Okay.”

  He watched as Jillian patted Brian on the butt and said, “Yeah, let’s break him here.” Brian headed toward the net as she got into position to return serve.

  Jim struggled to catch his breath as he walked to the baseline and prepared to serve. Looking back from her position near the net, where she waited for him to serve, Victoria grinned and bent over, exposing her thong-clad, perfect rear to Jim. He glanced at it and swallowed hard, as blood traveled south. He tossed the ball and completely missed it.

  Brian chuckled, and then yelled to him, “What the hell?”

  “Sorry about that.”

  Jim pulled a ball from his now-overcrowded pocket and prepared to serve again. Victoria bent over even more, this time swaying back and forth. Staring directly at her rear end, Jim bounced the ball over and over as he said to himself: Dear God, I’d give anything to have sex with her… or just see her naked for five minutes. She’s gorgeous. Please. Anything. I just—

  “Come on. Just serve it,” Brian said loudly.

  Jim tossed the ball and hit it horribly. Brian followed the ball as it traveled directly over his head and turned to watch it fly over the fence.

  Returning his attention to Jim, he asked, “What the hell was that?”

  “Sorry, uh, my racquet slipped.”