Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

Her face lit up, and he gave her an unsure look.

  “So… did you like it?”

  “I, uh… Yeah. Is that, uh—”

  “Are you worried you’re turning gay?”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but he had nothing.

  “Look, anal pleasures are for both genders and sexual orientations. Don’t turn your back on that activity. There are millions of nerve endings down there waiting and begging for attention. There are some toys you guys could get if you wanted her to strap-on and—”

  “Okay, let’s talk about something else,” he interrupted.

  Frowning at him, she sighed. “Alright.”

  “I don’t want any details, but did you guys have a good time?”

  She moved forward in her seat while wearing a big smile. “We had a lot of fun. You two are nearly identical. It was uncanny.”

  He gave her a confused look. “What do you mean?”

  “Your penises—they are very similar.”

  He put his hand up to stop her. “I’m not sure which is more disturbing, that you have this information or that you would tell me this.”

  Ignoring the comment, she seemed to be otherwise occupied by her thoughts. A smile spread over her face. “Actually, I think he’s a little longer. Maybe an inch or so, but other than that, it’s a carbon cop—”

  “Jesus, this is information that I didn’t want to have.” He turned back to see Jillian and Jim walking out the front door.

  Without turning around, he asked, “Really? He’s longer?”

  “I think so, but I think I’d need to see yours again to tell you for sure.” He turned back to discover her wearing a big grin. “I’m kidding, of course.”

  Victoria looked out the window at Jim and Jillian. Jillian mouthed “I’m sorry” to them before stepping back in the house and leaving Jim waiting at the door.

  Victoria said, “Jim is great, but do I need to worry about him falling for me or anything? I mean, he’s incredible and all, and I’d love to be in bed with him three times a day for the next thirty years, but he’s got his whole life ahead of him, and I’m…”

  “I don’t think he’ll be proposing marriage or anything, but I’ll talk to him to be sure. When we get to the restaurant, take Jillian to the ladies’ room, and I’ll have a chat with him.”

  At the restaurant, Jim wore a smile like he’d just won the $230 million Powerball jackpot as he gazed dreamily at Victoria. Victoria raised her eyebrows toward Brian. Noticing his brother’s condition, he gave Victoria a knowing nod. After they ordered, the women excused themselves and left the men at the table.

  Brian asked, “So she’s something isn’t she?”

  “She’s freaking amazing.”

  “I know you’re having the time of your life right now, but just play it cool. I mean, don’t go shopping for rings or anything.”

  “Oh, I won’t.”

  Jim’s face still looked trancelike, so Brian added, “No, I’m serious. Victoria is the kind of woman who… she likes sex a lot.” Jim nodded enthusiastically as Brian continued, “She has many boyfriends, and you’re still in college. Play this casually and just enjoy it. I think she likes you.”

  “Really?” Jim said a little too enthusiastically.

  “You see, that’s too much. You get too clingy or weepy, and it’ll be over. Just follow her lead, don’t—”

  “Oh, yeah, sure. I can do that.” Leaning close to Brian, he whispered, “She did things to me I’ve only seen in movies. We were in the shower and she… she had my entire… down her throat, like, the whole—”

  “Stop,” Brian said. Although he did want to hear, he thought he might have trouble erasing the image of his naked brother from his brain.

  “I didn’t think real women could actually do that.”

  “First, Victoria is very, very special, and no, I don’t think many women can do that.”

  The men watched as Jillian and Victoria came into view and began heading back to the table. Jim stared up at Victoria, in complete puppy love.

  Brian narrowed his eyes at him and whispered with a somber tone, “Hey, seriously, look at me.” Jim looked at him, and he continued, “If you ever want her to pay your, uh… you know… another visit, you play it cool. Be nice, but, you know, act casual.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “And wipe that middle school nerd smile off your freaking face.”

  “Alright! Jesus.” Jim put on a more relaxed look as the women arrived at the table.

  Jillian asked, “What were you guys talking about?”

  Brian glanced at Jim, then back to her. “Oh, just the tennis match.”

  Jim said, “We should definitely play again.”

  “I think we would beat you next time,” Jillian said.

  “Same bet—losers buy dinner?” Victoria asked.

  Jillian and Brian shared a look, and Brian said, “You’re on.”

  Throughout the rest of the meal, Jim held himself together pretty well, and Victoria smiled appreciatively at Brian. Victoria, Jillian, and Brian each had a few drinks, so Jim became the designated driver. In the car, Jim and Victoria sat in the front seat, and after they dropped off Jillian and Brian, Jim drove Victoria to her house, which was two short blocks away. Before Jim had backed out of the driveway, Victoria’s head was in his lap. She fished his flaccid penis out of his pants, as he looked at her nervously.

  “I love it when they grow in my mouth.”

  Sucking him inside her lips, she groaned with delight. He exhaled deeply and slammed on the brakes a little too hard. She pulled her head off him. “Can you drive like this?”

  “I think so.”

  “You remember where I live?”

  “I do.”

  “Just relax and don’t get us killed or anything.”

  He nodded, and she went back to work. He held the steering wheel tightly as she worked her magic. He was fully hard in seconds. Reaching into his fly, she squeezed his balls, trying to get him to completion quickly. Her goal was to bring him to orgasm before the end of the three-minute drive to her house.

  As they approached a stop sign, he slowed the car, and she slipped her hand deeper under his balls, placing her finger directly on a part of him that no one had ever touched before.

  “Holy fuck,” he moaned, swerving the car to the left, then back to the right. Red lights flashed behind them. He said, “Victoria, stop.”

  She was so focused that she kept going. The police car pulled up behind them while Jim pulled the car to the curb and stared back at them through the rearview mirror. “Victoria, it’s the police!”

  He tapped her on the head; she pulled up from him and wiped her mouth. Jim looked down at his unwavering erection with concern. “What should I do?”

  “Just let me do the talking.”

  He motioned with his eyes to his groin. “About this?”

  She looked down, obviously impressed. “Just cover it with your shirt.”

  He pulled his shirt over his towering boner, but it looked ridiculous.

  Smiling, she shrugged. “That should work.”

  One officer walked up to the driver’s side, while his partner approached the passenger side. The cop who seemed to be in the lead knocked on Jim’s window. Jim lowered it and gave him a nervous smile.

  “You been drinking tonight?” the cop asked.

  After reading the shiny nametag, Jim answered, “Uh, no, Officer Williams.”

  Williams looked down at Jim’s bulge and grinned. Then turning his attention to Victoria, he said, “We didn’t see you at first, Miss. Were you out of your seatbelt?”

  “Yes, Officer. We dropped a CD, and I was trying to get it.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Officer Williams shined a flashlight into the car at Victoria, looked at her closely, and smiled. “Miss Wilde, is that you?”

  “Dave?” she replied with a bright smile.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m fine. How’s the wife?”

 
“She hasn’t left me yet.” He grinned, and they shared a laugh.

  Williams looked across the car to his partner. “I’ve got this.” Leaving them, his partner returned to the patrol car. Williams knelt and looked through the window, smiling. “You sure you haven’t been drinking tonight, son?”

  “No.”

  Victoria said, “I’m the drunk one—he hasn’t touched a drop.”

  “So, how’s the wedding coming along?”

  “You’re looking at the best man right there. This is Jim, Brian’s brother. Oh, and I’m the maid of honor.”

  Looking up at the officer, Jim nodded nervously.

  Victoria added, “This is Dave Williams. He lives across the street from Jillian.”

  “Nice to meet you, Jim. So it’s just the maid of honor and the best man out on the town.”

  “Yep,” she replied.

  Williams eyed Victoria’s cleavage for a moment. “Why don’t you look for that CD when you get home? It’s very dangerous to be looking for a CD in a moving car. You don’t want to end up at the hospital getting things sewn back on.”

  Jim swallowed hard. She smiled. “Yes, Officer. We are very sorry.”

  Williams returned the smile. “You two have a good night now.”

  As the officer walked away, Jim exhaled deeply.

  Victoria lifted his shirt to uncover his mostly flaccid penis. “I guess you can put that away now.”

  After shoving everything back in, he zipped up. “What the hell did you do to me back there? I was driving fine until, you, uh…”

  “Did you like it?”

  “It felt great, was that my…”

  “It was your anus. I was trying to get you to cum. It’s a pretty short drive, and that usually speeds things up a lot.”

  “That, uh, would have done it—if we didn’t crash first,” he said with his eyes wide.

  As Jim drove the car slowly down the street, Victoria said, “I think anal play is a very important part of any sexual relationship. It opens up so many doors, no pun intended…” They shared a chuckle, and she continued, “…and can be extremely pleasurable for both partners.”

  “Really?”

  “I love to have my ass licked. It gets my pussy so wet.”

  He gave her a smile and returned his eyes to the road. “I’ve never done that, but I’d like to give it a try.”

  “I’m available.” She grinned. “Has anyone ever licked the back of your balls and wandered to your—”

  “No,” he said quickly.

  “I haven’t done that to a guy in about two years, but I’m kinda drunk and in the mood. It’s not often when this mood strikes me. You feel like, uh, taking a bath?”

  “Sure.” He never wanted to take a bath more.

  25

  At Jillian’s house, Brian and Jillian sat out by the pool, sharing a single lounge chair. She was lying on her side with her head nuzzled on his chest while he gently ran his finger along her lower back. Slipping his hand into her skirt, he slid a finger into her cleft and gently caressed her skin.

  “Well, that was fun tonight. I think I drank a little too much, though,” Jillian said.

  “Yeah, I’m glad Jim and Victoria are getting along so well.”

  “You think he’s okay with her?”

  “I had a talk with her. I told her not to ruin him for other women or anything. I told her no around-the-world.”

  She slipped her hand under his shirt and ran her fingers through the hair leading to his groin. “We really had great sex earlier. Where’d you learn that, uh…”

  “Victoria shared a tip.”

  “I should have known.” She gave him a sexy smile. “I thought that we would just go to sleep tonight, but now I kinda feel like doing it.” Her hips shimmied around as she rubbed her crotch up against his leg.

  Pushing his hand farther into her panties, he rubbed her gently.

  She asked, “You feel like doing it?”

  “Of course.”

  “I feel like… going around the world.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, I know we just, uh, and it was incredible, but—”

  “You said we would do it again in a year or so. It’s only been a few weeks.”

  “I just feel like doing it.” She closed her eyes a moment, flashing back to their wonderful night. “I bought some of that special lube, and Victoria let me borrow that movie, so…” Lifting up, she looked him in the eye. “Let’s watch it and do exactly what they do—everything as they do it.”

  “Even the position with the woman on top?”

  She nodded slowly, hopped off him, and rushed toward the house. He chased after her, wearing a bright smile.

  In her bathroom, Victoria was completely nude as she bent over to swish the bubble bath around while the tub continued to fill. Jim stood behind her, not wearing a thing and just enjoying the scene. Moving to her, he slipped down to his knees, gazing at her rear end. He ran his hands carefully over her hips as he kissed her lower back. She moaned. He breathed in her delicious scent before pulling away.

  “You smell amazing. What is that?”

  “I took a bath before we left. It’s a body wash called Moonlight Path.”

  He ran his tongue between her cheeks and slowly down, a millimeter away from her seam.

  “Yes… there.” She moaned.

  He pulled back and sighed. After staring at her body for a moment, he returned to her and gave her the attention she wanted. He did a pretty damn good job of it, too. Victoria was impressed. So impressed that after he was finished with her, she bathed him and gave him an experience he never even knew was possible. It was the most intimate pleasure she’d delivered to a man since her late husband.

  In the middle of it all, he cried out, “I love you,” but quickly corrected himself and said, “I mean, I love it.”

  When she finished with him, he was dizzy from experiencing the biggest orgasm of his short career. Next, she took him on a trip around the world, which of course, was strictly against Brian’s advice. They even joked beforehand about the fact that Brian had told her not to do it with him. It made it that much better.

  26

  The next morning, Jim woke up first. He lifted the covers slightly to drink in Victoria’s body. His penis was already sporting morning wood and this didn’t help. Slipping out of bed, he put on boxer shorts, and explored the house. He discovered a completely empty room, the guest bedroom, then went to the kitchen. There he looked in the refrigerator to see if he could whip up some breakfast. Victoria had one egg and a carton of milk that was two weeks past the expiration date.

  Returning to bed, he sat up next to her, staring straight ahead and reflecting on how much fun they’d had in the thirty-six short hours they’d known each other. He tried to count how many times they had done it and in how many positions. As he reviewed the sex acts in his mind, she began to stir. She moved her hips, cried out slightly in pain, and began to rub her thigh muscle.

  He pulled the covers down from her. “Where does it hurt?”

  She rubbed the area and said in a whiny voice, “Right here.”

  “What happened?”

  “It’s probably from playing tennis. I never play, and I was using muscles yesterday that I never ever use.”

  Smiling, he began rubbing out her thigh muscle.

  She moaned. “You have amazing hands.”

  “Does that feel better?”

  “Actually, every muscle in my body hurts.”

  “That can’t be. Every one?” he said, in a playful voice.

  “Yes, they all hurt.” She groaned as if she were in terrible pain.

  Resting his head on one of her sexy ass cheeks, he pointed to her lower back. “Does this one hurt?”

  “Yes.”

  He touched her shoulder. “This one?”

  “Yes.”

  Reaching back, he touched her calf. “How about this one?”

  “That one really hurts.”

  He grinn
ed and gently placed a finger on her vagina. “Is this a muscle?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does it hurt?”

  “Not at all.”

  “Uh-huh.” Grinning, he slid his finger slowly until he reached her ass. She squirmed, and then purred.

  He said, “Now, I know this is a muscle. Does this one hurt?”

  “No.” She giggled.

  He sat up and gazed at her body. “How about I get some baby oil and work all the muscles that actually hurt? Then, when I’m finished with that, I’ll work all the ones that don’t.”

  Smiling, she snuggled with her pillow. “I can’t think of a better way to start the day.”

  He found the baby oil, returned, and sat right on her shapely rear while still wearing his boxer shorts.

  She shimmied a little. “Are you wearing something?”

  “Boxers.”

  “You can take those off if you want.”

  He happily slipped off the shorts and sat back down on her.

  She moaned, “Now, that feels better.”

  He dribbled the oil on her back and began to work it into her shoulders. She melted with his touch.

  “Hey, I was snooping around your house this morning. Hope you don’t mind. What’s with that completely empty room?”

  “Oh, I just cleaned it out.” She struggled to say, stopping to let out a low moan before adding, “It was a junk room. I’m trying to decide what to do with it.”

  “I was going to ask if I could transfer to the University of Miami and rent it from you.”

  “If you were here, you’d be sleeping right here with me.”

  Smiling, he moved his hands to massage her neck. Her head was turned to one side with her chin pushed up against her shoulder. He found it difficult to work her neck fully. “Have you ever had a professional massage? You know on one of those massage tables where there’s that comfortable support for your head?”

  “That padded hole? Yeah, those tables are so comfortable. It’s like heaven.”

  He dribbled baby oil down each of her arms and used both hands to work it in.

  “That feels incredible,” she groaned slowly.

  After massaging her entire upper body again for a few minutes, he focused on her neck as he said, “Maybe you should put in like one of those feng shui relaxation rooms.”