Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  “You’re going to love it. Trust me.”

  He exhaled deeply and whimpered softly.

  When Rafael returned, he spent the next ten minutes trimming all the hair he could reach.

  When the waxing began, the bloodcurdling screams could be heard two stores away on both sides of the spa. Most people inside the spa thought it was a woman screaming. However, when a loud male voice spewed horrific expletives between the screams, they realized exactly what was happening. It wasn’t the first time a man fell prey to being tricked into a full Brazilian, and it wouldn’t be the last.

  Forty minutes later, Brian limped to the car, exhausted and bleeding from places he’d rather not mention. He didn’t say a word to Victoria during the ten-minute drive home as he sat fidgeting and grimacing in his seat. When Victoria pulled her car into the Grayson driveway, he reached for the door handle. She grabbed his arm. “Hey.”

  Closing his eyes, he refused to look at her.

  “Look, I know this wasn’t fun, but it will be worth it.”

  He sighed and opened his eyes. “It better be.”

  “When she sees your hairless parts, she’s going to instantly get wet.” She smiled brightly. “Wait, I know… you shouldn’t show her until the wedding night. It’ll make it so much more special. Well…” She frowned and continued, “You’ll probably need at least three days to heal fully anyway.”

  “How did it look?” he asked uncomfortably.

  “Amazing. Your penis and balls look huge not covered by all that hair. And your ass looked so good you could eat a snack off it. I saw it just before the blood began gushing out.”

  Grimacing, he reached again for the door.

  “Wait. Don’t go in there looking like that and frowning. She’ll know something is up. Just use the cream he gave you, and you should be fine. Take a few baths.”

  He painted on a fake smile. “All right.”

  “Do you need me to come in and take a look or change your pad or anything?”

  Instead of replying, he sighed as he gingerly and awkwardly climbed out of the car.

  “Oh, okay then.”

  He glanced back to her. “She better be all over me, or I’m coming over to your house so you can do it.”

  “Listen, Brian, if Jillian wasn’t my best friend, and if I didn’t just recently shove my tongue so far up your brother’s ass that he couldn’t breathe, you wouldn’t be able to pull me off of you.”

  “Charming.” He gave her a distasteful look. “Geez, remind me never to take a sip from your drink.”

  “Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, I was mostly around the—”

  “Please stop!” After taking a step away from the car, he grimaced and adjusted his shorts in the back. “Well, thanks—I guess.” Frowning, he pulled down on the front of his shorts before putting on a brave smile.

  “Tough it out. I promise it will be worth it.”

  He pushed the door closed then waddled slowly toward the house. Victoria held back a laugh as she remained in the driveway enjoying the show.

  Brian struggled to walk normally as he headed into the kitchen. He found Jillian sitting at the table typing away on her laptop. “Oh, hi. You’re back.”

  He asked hesitantly, “Is everything okay?”

  “I’ve decided to just not think about it. Let Albert and my publisher deal with it for now. I sent the papers off to my attorney and told him I don’t want to talk about it until I get back from our honeymoon.”

  Finally noticing his new look, she smiled. “Oh I love your haircut! You look cute.” She closed her computer, slipped off her chair and hugged him. “Let’s not let anything spoil our wedding.” She flashed her eyes to him suggestively. “Now, weren’t we going to take a trip before?”

  He looked at her confused. “A trip?”

  “Around the world,” she said with a huge grin.

  “Oh yeah…”

  She reached down to his groin and squeezed his package gently. He jumped back as if she’d shoved a pointy stick into an open wound and yelped, “Ouch.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Sorry, I just… uh, you know. Balls can be so sensitive. They must’ve been sitting in there wrong or…”

  Moving toward him, she gave him a sexy smile. “Do you want me to check them for you? I’ll bet I can make them all better.”

  He took another step back, and she narrowed her eyes. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “I was just thinking. Maybe we shouldn’t have sex until the wedding night. I think it’ll really be hot to, uh, you know, wait.”

  She gave him a skeptical look. “Really?”

  “Yeah, we’ll be so horny for each other by Sunday that we’ll just go crazy. It’ll be amazing.”

  She smiled seemingly warming to the idea a bit. “Hmm. Okay. I guess I can do it if you can.”

  He smiled halfheartedly, grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator then headed out of the room.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Upstairs to take a bath.”

  “Really?” She put on a quizzical expression. “Okay, but remember this no sex thing means no masturbation, either.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that.” He limped up the steps while cradling his balls gently and protectively.

  18

  On the campus of NYU, outside of Natalie’s dorm, Jason waited. When he saw her, he approached. Although he already recognized her from the photo, he asked, “Are you Natalie Brookhart?”

  “Yes,” she said tentatively, as she looked at him with confusion.

  He extended a large envelope toward her, and she took it. He said, “Have a good trip.”

  She stood there silently, watching as he slipped away. After rushing to her room, she opened the envelope then carefully studied its contents. She immediately called Josh.

  In Orlando, Rob was picking up carryout at a restaurant within walking distance of his apartment building. An attractive woman in her late twenties, dressed like a jogger and wearing a Georgia State University T-shirt, waited two stores away with a phone to her ear. Across the street, a man in a dark suit sat in a car, also on the phone.

  The man in the car watched as Rob turned toward the door to leave the restaurant.

  The man said, “Okay now,” into the phone.

  The woman kept the phone to her ear as she jogged toward the store. Timing it perfectly, she ran right into Rob as he opened the door and slipped outside. She tumbled to the ground as her phone skipped along the concrete. Rob’s bag also flew out of his hand. After looking around in shock, he focused on the woman. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I was on the phone, not watching where I was going. Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  The woman rose to her feet as he picked up her phone and his carryout bag. He handed her the phone. She smiled. “Thanks. I’ll be more careful.”

  Holding her chest out, she stood still, with the words on her T-shirt in full display. After suffering through the awkward silence, she pulled her shirt out from her waist and held it out to inspect it. “Ahh, I’m a mess.”

  Finally noticing the shirt, he smiled. “You went to GSU?”

  “Yep. Graduated in two thousand nine.”

  “I just graduated this year.”

  She smiled brightly. “No way. I’ve never met any Panthers down here. Everyone seems to be from Florida schools.”

  He nodded. “When you live in a state with beautiful weather, why go to school somewhere else?”

  She chuckled. “I’m Bridget.”

  “Rob.”

  “So did you spend a lot of time at Chubby’s? Senior year we lived there.”

  “Sure, we were there a lot.”

  “I don’t remember seeing you.” She narrowed her eyes.

  “I probably wasn’t there that much in 2009.”

  “So, do you live around here?”

  He pointed toward the building down the street. �
��Yeah, right there at Blue Stone.”

  “That place looks nice. I’m renting a room from a friend temporarily down on Tenth Street while I look for a place.”

  “Oh.”

  “Hey, you still follow the football team?”

  “Sure, but they’re never on TV.”

  “There’s this bar I know where they show all the college games. I’ve been looking for someone who’d go with me to watch them. You know, my girlfriends would be bored, and if I go alone, guys would be so… you know.”

  “Oh, sure,” he replied while looking her over from head to toe but probably lingering a bit too long on her tits.

  Ignoring his inappropriate gawking, she asked, “Maybe you’d like to go sometime and watch?”

  “Definitely.” He smiled.

  “There’s a game this Saturday.”

  His smiled faded and he shook his head. “My mother’s actually getting married this weekend. I need to fly out for the wedding. They’re getting married in St. Barts.” Rob widened his eyes a little embarrassed.

  “Wow, I’ve heard of destination weddings. That’s some destination.”

  “I’m free the next weekend. How about we exchange numbers, and I’ll call you when I get back?”

  “Awesome.”

  As Rob worked to pull his phone out of his pocket, she glanced to the man in the car and smiled.

  19

  October fourth was Jim’s birthday, and it was a big one this year since he was turning twenty-one. After a day of classes and calls from both his mother and brother, Jim was ready for the real celebration to begin. Caroline told him the day before that she had something special planned.

  She piqued his curiosity by meeting him in his dorm suite. She told him he wasn’t allowed to go into his bedroom because it would spoil the surprise. Slipping back into his room, Caroline picked out an appropriate outfit for him for the night and waited while he showered and changed.

  First, she took him out for dinner, then to a bar for his first legal drinking experience. Just after ten, they returned to his dorm. She made him wait outside his room as she opened the door barely a foot and slid through, being careful not to let him have even a glimpse. Inside, he heard her bang into something and loudly curse; he broke into laughter. A few seconds later, she opened the door slightly, told him to come in then moved away from the door.

  He tried to open the door, but it seemed as if some piece of furniture was partially blocking it so it would only open about eighteen inches. Peering into the dimly lit room, he saw that a single, large candle provided the only light; he could just make out Caroline sitting on his bed, grinning hesitantly.

  She said, “Sorry, I guess I should’ve measured before I, uh…”

  “What are you up to?” he asked while chuckling.

  He struggled to see what was going on in the room. He slipped through the opening, scraping his shoulder along the way before falling onto the bed. He closed the door and steadied himself while letting his eyes fully adjust to the dim candlelight.

  Inside the room, she’d created a mini feng shui massage experience with a massage table, the single large candle and some kind of grass wall hanging. He took in the scene with his lips parted and his heart melting. Looking back to her, his surprise was evident.

  “Do you like it? I mean, it’s not as nice as the one you put together for Victoria, but you know you don’t have a lot of space in here, and I didn’t win any money at a casino.”

  The room was so small that the massage table pressed up against his dresser on one side and his bed on the other. There were only a few feet of floor space at the foot and head of the table.

  “I love it.”

  She shook her head. “I screwed this whole thing up. It doesn’t fit—it’s a disaster.”

  “No, no. I love it.” Leaning over, he gave her a kiss.

  “Really?”

  “I do.”

  Pointing across the room, she frowned. “There’s a slight problem with the dresser. Now you can only open the top drawer. Oh, I think you can get into the bottom one if you crawl on the floor under the table.”

  He gave her a concerned look. “But my condoms are in that middle drawer.”

  “Oh, that’s your other surprise.”

  He widened his eyes in curiosity.

  She returned a sexy smile. “At the beach, I told you I wanted to go on the pill, remember?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  After pausing for effect, she flashed her eyes at him. “Well, surprise.”

  “That might be my favorite gift.”

  After they shared a chuckle, he knelt up on the mattress to take in the entire room. “There’s enough room—kind of. I mean, you can stand by the door for this side, then by the window for the other side or kneel on the bed over here. It fits perfectly.”

  “Yeah, right, but luckily it folds up for when you actually want to live in here.”

  “So, what’s next?” He raised his eyebrows to her.

  “Not yet.” Shaking her head, she held back a smile. “Why don’t you get ready for your rub? You know—take it off. Take it all off.”

  “Cool.”

  As she struggled to climb from the bed to the foot of the massage table, he removed his clothes. She admired his firm body in the candlelight as he moved from the bed onto the sheet-covered table and put his head comfortably in the rest.

  “Is this table heated?” he asked jokingly.

  “Hey.” She smacked him hard on the rear end.

  “Just kidding.”

  After dribbling a line of oil over his buttocks and legs, she began to rub it in. He groaned as she firmly worked his glutes.

  “I know you had that no sex rule at your other massage room, but I was thinking maybe we should waive that here.”

  “Oh, you do, do you?”

  “Yes, in fact, it’s against the law to not have sex in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania after a massage. We’re a much more liberal state than Florida.”

  Lifting his head up from the table, he turned to look at her, holding back a smile.

  “I don’t know what I’m saying. I must’ve had too much to drink at dinner.”

  He placed his head back down and exhaled deeply as she climbed onto the bed and moved to the head of the table. She dribbled oil on his neck and worked it in. “I found this special massage oil. It’s also a personal lubricant. It can go anywhere—if you know what I mean.”

  He lifted his head again to look at her. “Anywhere?”

  “Well, it doesn’t taste so good, but it can go in all the other places.”

  After raising his eyebrows, he slipped back down. She dribbled oil over his back, shoulders and arms, then worked it in for the next fifteen minutes.

  “Okay, birthday boy, time to turn over.”

  He turned over on his back. His penis was completely flaccid. She looked at it with mock disappointment. “What? This isn’t doing it for you?”

  He followed her eyes to his softie. “Um, no. It’s not that. I was hard before when you were doing my legs, but the upper body stuff was so relaxing that I, uh…”

  She removed her clothes while he watched. As soon as her breasts were uncovered, his penis began to respond. She glanced at it. “That’s better.”

  She dribbled the oil-lubricant all over his chest and began to work it in. As she leaned over him to reach his stomach, one of her breasts grazed his mouth. He moaned; when her breast brushed his mouth again, he captured it with his lips.

  She lifted up and covered his groin with a generous amount of oil. After massaging some into her breasts, she moved her hands lower between her legs and climbed on top of him. He ran his hands all over her slippery breasts then, as she moved down on him, he cupped her ass. She slid down further, and a mini-orgasm shot through her loins. She groaned in pleasure before bending over and pressing her chest against his, rubbing her oily self all over him.

  Rising upright, she slid her hands down her glistening breasts to her stomach
then to her swollen clit. She closed her eyes and groaned, simply bouncing up and down on his shaft. Moving his finger between her cheeks, he located her seam and gently pressed his lubed finger into her.

  “Yes…” Opening her eyes, she nodded slowly and whispered, “Touch me there.”

  He slipped his finger inside while she rode him harder and faster. Her intense facial expression as he pleasured her ass was too much for him. He pictured his penis in place of his finger there, and it pushed him quickly over the edge. Suddenly, he groaned, thrusted his hips up hard, and then exploded with a huge climax.

  Caroline looked deeply into his eyes as she held still and whispered, “I love you.”

  He replied, “I love you too.”

  She closed her eyes and began moving slowly over him again. Jim rose to the occasion and lasted a lot longer during this session. When she finally orgasmed, she slumped over onto him. For a few minutes, they lay there recovering—panting and dripping with oil.

  Then she grimaced as she said, “I do love you, but if I don’t get this disgusting smelly oil off me I’m going to throw up.”

  He nodded in complete agreement.

  20

  Caroline spent the night and Jim had an early class. After getting dressed without waking her, he looked at her bare shoulder for a long time as he stood in the doorframe. Smiling, he flashed back to their night together before he slipped away. After class, he was walking past a jewelry store, and the display of engagement rings in the window caught his eye. He turned back and entered wearing a confident smile.

  Victoria answered her front door to find a deliveryman holding a large box. She signed for it and couldn’t wait to open it. It was one of the wedding gifts she had picked out for Jillian and Brian—a sexy one.

  After taking his third bath in less than two days, Brian applied cream to all his effected areas. He avoided letting Jillian see him naked by locking the bathroom door.

  Jillian stood outside the door frowning. “What are you doing? You never lock the door. Are you… jerking off?”

  “What? No.”

  “We said no sex until—”

  “I know. I don’t trust you with this body.” He cracked himself up. “You get all crazy hot when you see me.”