I Want Your Love

by E. L. Todd

  “I said I didn’t want to get married.”

  “It’s okay to change your mind, son.”

  I ran my fingers through my hair then sighed.

  “Conrad.” Dad gave me that look he’d been giving me my whole life. “Do it or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  ***

  I headed to her apartment later that evening, feeling the throb in my chest. Never had I been so nervous to say what was in my heart. So much was on the line. I could finally have Lexie and keep her, or I could lose what was left of her.

  It wasn’t fair, but I constantly compared Beatrice and Lexie. Beatrice was timid and emotional. It was nearly impossible to get her to trust me. Our relationship was serious and deep. But with Lexie…it was different. She was my best friend, someone I could go out and have a great time with. She made me laugh and break out of my shell. Lexie was open with her sexuality, and she explored it without shame.

  The two women couldn’t be more different.

  Beatrice was the one to me, at one point in time. Perhaps that was why I supported her during her father’s passing. But the emotions I felt for her were different than what I felt for Lexie.

  Sometimes I thought I cared about Lexie more.

  I arrived at her door but didn’t knock. Instead, I paced in the hallway while I rubbed the back of my neck. Never in my life had I been scared of anything. I confronted my fears like a man. But now…I was cowering like a child.

  I’d never put my heart on the line like this. I was about to tell Lexie every feeling in my heart. Once upon a time, I promised I would never fall for her. But I broke that vow—a long time ago.

  I faced her door again then fixed my hair and straightened my shirt. Then I did everything all over again, just to buy time. When there was nothing else I could do to stall, I knew I had to raise my hand to the door and knock.

  Please feel the same way.

  If my dad was wrong, I was going to kick him in the nuts.

  I took a deep breath that hurt my lungs then knocked.

  No turning back now.

  I put my hands in my pockets while I waited, feeling my heart thump loudly in my chest. My sense of hearing heightened and I could hear the sound of footsteps behind the door. Everything played out in slow motion. My time had come.

  The doorknob jiggled as Lexie unlocked it. Then it turned and the door opened. I kept a stoic face as I prepared to look Lexie in the eye and hold my ground. I refused to appear weak as I proclaimed every truth in my heart.

  But it wasn’t Lexie.

  Jared stared at me with surprise in his eyes. He was shirtless, just wearing running shorts. His hair was messy like he’d been lying down or someone had been running their fingers through his hair.

  My heart fell.

  Jared stared at me like he couldn’t believe I was really there.

  Pain…agonizing pain.

  I wasn’t stupid. I could connect the dots. Just this past weekend Lexie and I had a night I would never forget. Then the minute she came back to New York she crawled into bed with her ex-husband, a man she swore she would never want again.

  I was an idiot.

  Lexie didn’t want me. She didn’t love me. I was just one of the many and I would always be. That night we came to my apartment and pushed the furniture aside so we could dance meant nothing to her. All those nights I kissed her and made love to her were insignificant. Everything that I treasured had been a lie.

  Jared cleared his throat and spoke. “It’s not how it looks…”

  I ignored his words. “Congratulations.” Jared was a man I could never compete with. He hurt her too many times to count but it didn’t change anything. She still married him; therefore, she still loved him. I would always be the lesser man in her eyes no matter his faults. I treated her like a queen but that’s clearly not what she wanted.

  I turned away and walked off, feeling my heart sink into my stomach. Acid burned it and I felt sick. My girl was with another guy now. Everything that happened between us was a lie. Seven months of our relationship was marked by meaningless empty sex. I never meant a damn thing to her.

  ***

  Beatrice opened the door, surprise in her eyes. “Conrad?”

  I leaned against the doorframe, my hands in my pockets and my breath reeking of alcohol. “ Hey, babe. You busy?”

  She cocked an eyebrow. “Babe?”

  I pushed inside the apartment then gripped her face as I gave her an aggressive kiss. I wanted to fall into someone else, find anything to rid my body of the pain. The booze didn’t help. I needed something stronger.

  Beatrice kissed me back but it only lasted for a moment. “You’re drunk.”

  “I’m better company anyway.” I shut the door behind me then guided her toward the bedroom, wanting to lose myself in the throes of physical passion.

  “Actually, you aren’t,” she said. “I like my Conrad.” She allowed me to push her on the bed.

  “Well, he’s not around anymore.” I pulled my shirt off then moved on top of her. I wanted to get over Lexie, and the best way to do that was by being with someone else. Beatrice was beautiful and familiar territory. What would be better than her?

  Beatrice rested her hand on my chest. “Conrad, slow down.”

  I didn’t want to but I obeyed her command. “Whatever you say, dear.”

  Her fingers moved through my hair while she gave me a look full of pity. “What happened?”

  “Lexie broke my heart.” Saying her name hurt. “I went to her place to tell her…” I couldn’t get out the words. “But her ex-husband answered the door, practically naked with messy hair. She’s fucking him. She just fucked me this weekend but she’s already with someone else. Why was I so stupid?” Thinking about Lexie took all my sex drive away. I lay beside her on the mattress and stared at the ceiling.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  She propped her elbow and rested her head on her hand. Then she rubbed my chest just the way she used to. “Sometimes things aren’t what they seem.”

  “Sometimes—not now.” I looked at her ceiling fan.

  “I’m sorry.” Her voice was full of emotion and she seemed sincere.

  “Yeah…me too. I feel stupid for going over there. What did I think would happen? That she would feel the same?” I rolled my eyes at my own idiocy. “I’m going to die alone and I’m fine with that.”

  “You slept together recently?” She continued to massage my chest.

  “I went to her conference in California. We had dinner together and when I walked her to her room…it just happened. But I thought everything was fine. I could tell she missed me just by being around her. She looked at me the same way she used to. And when we were together…it meant something. I thought we were back together. I thought we both wanted to make it work. But when we woke up the next morning she kicked me out like I was something to be ashamed of.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat. “Why do I always want the wrong ones…?”

  Beatrice rubbed my chest in silence.

  “My dad says how happy he is with my mom. He wasn’t always a monogamous guy. He used to run around town and fuck anything that moved. But then when he met her…he just knew.”

  “When you met her, did you just know?” she whispered.

  I watched the blades from the spinning fan. “I knew…but I don’t know when I knew.”

  Her hand stopped for a moment, resting on my skin. Then it moved again.

  “But she doesn’t feel the same way. All my friends have found their partners. Shit, Slade is even married. Slade. And here I am…alone.”

  Beatrice didn’t say anything as she rubbed my skin. Her eyes were glued to my face, and a few strands of brown hair came lose from behind her ear. She snuggled close to me and rested her head on my shoulder.

  I closed my eyes and concentrated on the way Beatrice made me feel. I focused on the movement of her hand and the softness of her fingertips. My mind started to drift
as I entered the realm of dreams. Before I completely lost myself, I saw strands of golden blonde hair. They moved across my vision until I saw crystal blue eyes.

  Even in my dreams I wasn’t safe.

  Chapter Ten

  Clementine

  I was terrified.

  Ward had never acted like this before. He was really pissed off at me, and he even said he didn’t have a problem leaving me. Now I wish I had just told him the truth. I wasn’t a dishonest person, but since our relationship had been doing so well I didn’t want to risk it.

  Well, it looks like I lost either way.

  Being alone in the large house was depressing. I missed Ward’s footsteps as he came down the stairs after a shower. I missed the way he would put me in his lap when we read together on the couch. He refused to let me go to the grocery store alone and always accompanied me. But then we would make out in the dog food aisle while he groped my tits. It was a tradition we had.

  But now he was gone.

  I wasn’t even sure if we were together anymore. Did he break up with me? Were we done?

  I couldn’t stop crying.

  I lay on the couch with a blanket covering my body. The tears would leak from my eyes and descend down my cheeks. Sometimes I would sob and other times I would just whimper.

  The bed I used to share with him was cold. I could never get warm despite how many blankets I threw on top. It just wasn’t the same without him.

  I didn’t see Ward for a week. He never called me or stopped by the house. I wanted to fight for him with everything that I had but I didn’t see the point. Perhaps he just needed space to cool off. I’d never seen him go on a rampage like that.

  After a week had passed I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. At the end of the day, I headed to his office. My feet felt heavy as I moved, and my hand rested on my stomach because it gave me comfort.

  I walked passed the receptionist’s desk, and fortunately she didn’t ask me to leave. I feared Ward told her to keep an eye out for me and turn me away immediately. I quietly knocked on his door before I stepped inside.

  He looked up from his desk, and when he realized it was me a scowl formed on his lips. “If you need something, you can email me. I’ll have my receptionist bring whatever you want.”

  I approached his desk, my hand still on my stomach. “Ward…”

  “If you’re here to talk about our personal relationship, it’s inappropriate. I’m working right now.” He shot me a hateful glare before he turned back to his computer and replied to an email.

  I stood my ground. “You never come home or return my calls.”

  “Because I don’t want to see you.” His tone was clipped. “Or hear your annoying voice.”

  I couldn’t believe Ward had the strength to be so hostile to me. Was this the end of our relationship? I finally found the courage to trust him, to give him my heart completely. And now it was blowing up in my face. I should have told him about Jeremy to begin with. But who knows if that would have led to a better outcome.

  Without realizing it, I started to cry. The tears left my eyes and drifted down my face. The moisture felt warm and it burned my skin as it fell. My body felt weak and my heart felt helpless. Ward and I were doomed to begin with. Now I wish I’d never met him in the strip club. I wish I’d never fallen in love with him. All it led to was grief—except my son inside me.

  Ward turned my way and watched the tears fall. The rage disappeared from his eyes and something else emerged. It was a look I couldn’t distinguish because I’d never seen it before.

  “I’m sorry…” My voice cracked. “We were doing so well and I didn’t want to risk losing it. We were so happy and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice it. I know what I did was wrong but…I just didn’t want to lose you.”

  While Ward stared at me, his shoulders slumped. He released a heavy sigh, like he was even more agitated.

  “Please come home.” I wasn’t above begging at this point. “Please.”

  He pinched his nose then rubbed his temple while he stared at the desk. Then he stood up, his height dominating over mine, and he came around the desk.

  I flinched as he approached, unsure what was going to happen next. His behavior was so unpredictable that I didn’t know what to expect. He could scream or he could pat my shoulder. I really didn’t know.

  Ward stopped in front of me and he looked down into my face. Then his hands moved to my cheeks and he wiped away the tears with the pads of his thumbs.

  I inhaled deeply at the tender touch.

  Ward pressed his face to mine then kissed the corners of my eyes, taking away the moisture. His lips migrated down my cheek until he reached my mouth. Then he gave me a gentle kiss. I could taste my own tears on his lips. “I apologize for hurting you.” One hand dug into my hair as he pulled me closer to him. “I was just upset and…I didn’t know how to handle it.”

  “You’re forgiven,” I blurted. I didn’t care about any of that. I was just grateful he abandoned his anger and looked at me in the tender way he used to. All I wanted was Ward back. My life was so empty without him.

  “You’ve never forgiven me that easily before.” There was a teasing note to his voice.

  I was still too emotional to match his tone. “Because now I’m desperate. My heart can’t afford to lose you.”

  His eyes fell in sadness. “You can never lose me, darling.”

  I released a deep sigh as he used my nickname. I hadn’t heard him say in it in so long.

  “Ever.” He kissed my forehead as he rested one hand on my stomach. “I apologize for getting so angry. I guess…I was afraid you were considering going back to him. Why would you lie unless you had something to hide?’

  “Never,” I said immediately. “You’re the only man I want.”

  “I know that now.” His hand moved across my stomach gently, feeling the deep swell. “My behavior was inexcusable. I apologize.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I’ll be better when our son arrives. I wouldn’t want him to see that.”

  “We’re okay?” My voice cracked at the end.

  His eyes softened. “Of course.”

  A few more tears fell but they were from relief.

  He kissed those tears away and brought me close to his body. “When I get off work, I’ll make it up to you.”

  “Make love to me?”

  He rubbed his nose against mine. “As many times as I can.”

  ***

  My stomach was big and swollen. Even if I didn’t have confirmation from a doctor, I would know we were having a boy. My stomach was far too big for my seventh month of pregnancy. As a result, sexual positions were limited.

  Ward turned me on my side then came behind me, his chest pressed to my back. He pulled my hair off my shoulders then kissed the exposed area while he groped both of my breasts in his large hand.

  I loved his hands.

  He thrust into me from behind, his thick shaft hitting me in the right spot every time. His cock was perfect. It always made me spiral out of control. Whoever said size didn’t matter was full of it.

  Ward moved his hand to my thigh then raised it so he could move further inside. He grunted while he thrust, moving completely inside me and stretching me as far as possible.

  My arm extended behind me and I dug my fingers into his hair. “Ward…”

  He gave it to me harder. “Darling.” His chest was covered in sweat from the exertion but he didn’t seem to mind. His lips moved to my ear and he whispered words of love and devotion.

  I bit my lip and moaned, loving his words as well as his movements. My body flushed in heat and I knew a blinding orgasm was just over the horizon. “More.”

  Ward increased his pace then moved his hand between my legs, rubbing my clitoris.

  “Ward…I love you.”

  He rubbed me harder. “Say it again.”

  “I love you.” I leaned my head back against him as the most delectable climax flushed through me. It f
elt even better since I hadn’t had one in over a week. “God, yes…” My hand fisted his hair and refused to relax.

  Ward panted in my ear then he noticeably tensed behind me. Then he released a loud moan as he released himself inside me. His thrusts became small and he pushed inside as far as he could go so he could fill me as much as possible. He released a satisfied sigh before he kissed the back of my neck. Then he laid his head on a pillow and pulled my back into his chest, getting ready for a long nap. “I love you, darling.”

  My heart filled with warmth. “I love you too.”

  ***

  Having Ward back in my life was wonderful. He filled the house with his buoyant presence, and he always had a smile on his face. That smirk was usually directed at me, and for no reason at all. He made love to me every night before bed, and every morning started with a sensual kiss.

  That was just a bad fight we would move on from. I’d never seen him so angry and I hoped it was just a one-time thing. When it came to me, he was extremely jealous and protective. The fact I was pregnant only made it worse.

  I ended my shift then walked to Ward’s office, ready to go home and make love in our bed before he showered and I got dinner ready. I entered his office and saw him sitting behind the desk, clearly not ready to leave. Whenever he worked late, I wasn’t pleased.

  Ward gave me a guilty look. “I’m sorry, darling. It’ll only be an hour at the most.”

  I released a quiet growl.

  He smirked like he was amused. “Was that supposed to be scary?”

  “It was scary.”

  He chuckled then pulled me into his lap. “I’m so terrified.” He kissed my neck then my cheek. “I’ll make it up to you.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.” His hand moved over my stomach. “To both of you.”

  “And how do you plan to accomplish that?”

  “Maybe some rocky road ice cream.”

  My eyes widened like melons. “That might do the trick.”

  He laughed at the excited look on my face. “Go home and wait for it.”