Burn Out

by Ruthi Kight

  Did they not think I knew what I had done? Did they not realize that I had punished myself, every day, for the past ten years? After you’ve dealt with nightmares every night, those types of things didn’t really bother you anymore. You became numb from it, learning to live through it. There was no other way to have a normal life…or, as close to normal as you can possibly get.

  There, on the corner of Main and Laurel Street, stood a McDonald’s. I didn’t remember it being there before, but evidently progress had hit Sunny Shores in the shape of greasy food that was destined to go straight to your thighs. My mouth was already watering just from thinking about their salty fries and their ketchup drenched hamburgers. Would taking off in a full-out run be considered too much?

  Slowly making my way to the corner, I barely registered the sound of footsteps behind me. Sure, I noticed, but being followed is an integral part of my life. If I hadn’t heard the soft laughter I probably wouldn’t have stopped. But, I’m glad I did. Behind me, walking arm in arm, were two girls, probably in their mid-teens. They were staring at me as they remained exactly five feet behind me.

  When they noticed I had stopped, their giggling ceased. A glimmer of fear flitted across the taller girl’s face, but the shorter, meaner looking one never batted an eye. A sneer twisted her face and her hand flew to her cocked hip.

  “What?” I asked, mimicking her body language. I couldn’t quite pull it off like her, but hey, I wasn’t a snotty teenager with a superiority complex either.

  They exchanged a look and I watched as devilish smiles grew on their faces. “Aren’t you that chick who barbecued her parents?”

  “That’s what the flyers say,” the taller girl whispered. Flyers? They had flyers floating around about me?

  The urge to sweep the floor with her face was strong, but I was stronger. “Are you volunteering to be next?”

  Watching her face go from pink and shiny, to washed out and pale, was priceless. I couldn’t hold back my own grin as they turned and skittered away. Some people’s children…I swear! Were parents no longer teaching their children that it was better to be seen, not heard? At least, that should apply for snots, like those two girls.

  Continuing down the road, I decided to avoid people’s stares. It wasn’t helping my already gloomy disposition to see the looks of disdain and flat out hatred. As I stepped towards the front door to the restaurant, I heard tires squealing nearby. The sounds of laughter followed closely behind, so I chose to ignore all of it. Why turn and look? There was a high probability they were a bunch of kids with nothing better to do than peel out in the parking lot of McDonald’s.

  The blast of air conditioning that hit me in the face when I opened the door was a welcome feeling. It was already hot outside and I could feel the sweat soaking through the back of my shirt. Luckily, there weren’t many people clogging their arteries this early in the day. Maybe I could eat my food in peace…

  I stepped up to the counter and stared up at the menu. So many new choices! I couldn’t help but wonder what in the hell a McRib was. The thought of it made my stomach turn, so I focused on the array of salads they now offered.

  “May I help you?” asked the zit faced young man behind the counter.

  “Um…may I please have a grilled chicken Caesar salad? And a small coke please?” I looked him right in the eyes, but he had already begun backing away from the counter. “Something wrong?”

  He shook his head slowly, continuing to back away. He turned quickly and ran to the back of the restaurant, his shoes squealing as he left. With a shake of my head, I leaned against the counter, my elbows resting on the sticky surface. That was when I saw it. There, on the wall, in plain view, was one of the flyers the girl had mentioned. Those vultures had gotten a current picture and plastered it all over town! Well no fucking wonder!

  Five minutes later, an older man, whose hair was as greasy as the food, came out from the back, a scowl firmly etched on his face. “Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

  “Seriously?” We stared at each other, but he made no move and said nothing. “This is bullshit! I just wanted a salad!”

  “Ma’am, please don’t make me call the police. You need to leave.”

  With a quick turn, I walked away. A part of me wanted to turn around and ream his ass a new one for being such a jackass, but the smarter part of me vetoed the idea. It would do no good to try to reason with these people. If they wanted to treat me like I was the devil, so be it. Around here, people could atone for all of their mistakes for the rest of their lives, but it didn’t mean that they would ever be forgiven.

  Looks like there are some things that never change, no matter how long you’re gone.

  ***

  After trying three other restaurants, I was ready to give up. There were no more places to try on Main Street and I had a feeling that if I made my way over to the shore, I wouldn’t have much luck there either. Sunset Boulevard, the road that ran parallel to the ocean, had always had some of the best Mom and Pop diners in town, but if the big chains wouldn’t serve me, I was sure they wouldn’t either.

  So I started walking. I could smell the sea air as it whipped by my face and I wanted nothing more than to sink my feet into the warm Atlantic Ocean. If people were there, and they didn’t want me around, then they could just leave. The beach was one thing that I would not be pushed away from. There had always been something so soothing about the smell of the salt in the air, the sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore, and the absolutely heart stopping sunsets that would make even a hardened criminal cry.

  The closer I got, the fewer people I saw. For the first time all day, I finally felt like I could breathe again. There were no menacing looks, no snarled lips, and no whispers as I passed. It was a heady feeling.

  As soon as my feet hit the sand, I was home. The sand was warm and, once I had stopped to take my shoes off, squished between my toes. The sun was beating down upon my shoulders, but I didn’t care. I had no sunscreen to protect my pale skin, but then again, it really didn’t matter.

  With my shoes in one hand and my bag in the other, I walked across the sand to the water. Wasting no time, I dropped my items a few feet from the edge and then ran in, squealing like a kid.

  The water was warm and felt amazing. It took every ounce of self-control not to throw myself in head first. I needed dry clothes for later that night, when the temperatures would drop. There were no shelters to find in town, seeing as the homeless population around here was almost nonexistent.

  I looked down the beach and found the pier. There was tons of space underneath with little nooks and crannies that I could hole up in. I wasn’t sure if the police still patrolled the beach at night, but if I hid well enough then it wouldn’t be an issue. If they did manage to find me, at least I would be given a warm place to sleep for the night. It might be behind steel bars and on a hard ass cot, but something was better than nothing.

  You knew life had turned to pure shit when spending the night in jail didn’t sound so bad. Had I sunk that low? Hell yes, I had. There was little point in trying to bullshit myself anymore. Life hadn’t been something to brag about in a very, very long time. Would it ever be something that I felt proud of? Or would I spend the rest of my life wandering, never finding what I was looking for?

  Hell, if you asked me, I still couldn’t tell you what I was looking for. Evidently, for a single night, the cold sand under the pier was the only thing I had my eye on.

  With my game plan set, I lay out on the sand and allowed the sun’s warmth spread through my body. My pores were soaking it up, breathing it in, blah blah blah. Fuck the whimsical shit. I was sweating and had sand stuck in places that would have made my doctor blush. Figures…even my internal musings were desperate to be something they could never be.

  The call of the seagulls lulled me into a state of peace as I lay on the beach and enjoyed the immense itching spreading up my legs. When I closed my eyes I was shocked to find my mind wandering b
ack to Liam’s face. Fuck, he was gorgeous! I had the distinct feeling that he could rock my world without breaking a sweat.

  His eyes stared back at me, clouded with a mix of desire and hesitancy. Even in my mind he wasn’t sure what to think of me…figures. A grumbling in my stomach ripped me back to reality and his face faded away. Wouldn’t you know it? His fucking smirk was firmly planted on his face as the image faded.

  Opening my eyes, I raised my hand to shield my face and let my eyes adjust to the sun’s blinding rays. Sitting up slowly, I heard my back pop, a reminder of why trying to get comfortable on the ground was futile. Gathering up my belongings, I made my way back towards the road.

  Instead of the soothing feeling from earlier, the sand burned the soles of my feet. I cringed and kept going, hoping I could ignore the pain long enough to make it to the bench that was waiting where the sand met the asphalt. I know what you’re thinking…why doesn’t she just sit her ass down on the sand and take care of it? Because I didn’t fucking want to, that’s why.

  Finally reaching the bench, I practically threw myself on it with a grunt. Not ladylike, but for my purposes, it worked just fine. I slipped my shoes back on after brushing the sand from my toes. Nothing like walking around in shoes filled with sand.

  The sweat was now pouring down my body, from the top of my head to my ankles, pooling in my already uncomfortable shoes. It was then that I remembered why going to the beach was always a pain in the ass. When you leave, you were stuck cleaning those tiny bits of rock out of every crevice of your body.

  With a final heave of my tired body, I made my way down the street. I scanned a few of the small diners, finally settling on one that had only two cars in the minuscule parking lot. My head was held high as I pushed my way through the dingy front doors. The tinkling of the bell signaled all eyes to focus on me, but it was only a short moment before they continued about their business.

  Huh. I had expected a slightly harsher welcome. Guess not everyone in this town was a complete asshat. Shocking, sure, but it was a welcome relief as well. I spied a ton of empty tables, but the one in the back drew my attention. Instead of being empty, it was occupied by the same eyes that had filled my mind only a short while ago.

  Liam was sitting there, his book still firmly planted in his hands, with a smile on his face. He must have lifted his head when I first made my dinging appearance. Damn bells…I swear. They should be outlawed. Ever heard of being able to go unnoticed? Apparently not in this shithole.

  I refused to walk back there. No reason to…but my body was at war with my brain. Of course, it would choose this opportunity to assert itself once again. Still mentally arguing with myself, when I snapped back to reality, I found myself standing in front of his table as he peered up at me. His brows were drawn together, obviously confused as to why my crazy ass was standing in front of him.

  “Um…want some company?” I asked. Smooth…real smooth.

  “Sure,” he nodded. With a sweep of his hand, he directed me to the bench seat across from him.

  I sat down and stared at the table, completely confused as to what I should do or say next. “How are you enjoying the weather?” Shit! Could I be more of an idiot?

  He chuckled and smiled as his eyes drifted to the windows at the front of the restaurant. “Typical weather. Hot. Humid.” He shrugged, returning his attention to me.

  The loud grumbling of my stomach caught both of our attentions and I laughed. Yes, laughed. Cringing would have been more appropriate, but at that point, I had already made an ass out of myself so, why worry?

  “Might want to feed the natives. Sounds like they’re getting restless.”

  “What’s good here?” I grabbed the menu and started reading. Grease, fried everything…basically the perfect recipe for clogged arteries.

  “The fried mushrooms are pretty good. They’re usually mushrooms, so that’s a plus.” I raised my eyebrow and waited for him to finish. Instead, he returned his attention to his book.

  “You’re seriously ending it like that? What do you mean ‘usually’?”

  “I get them at least once a week, and most of the time I end up eating mushrooms. But sometimes…it’s like a potluck dinner. You never know what’s under the wrapping, but by that point you’re too damn hungry to care. You just eat it.”

  It actually didn’t sound too bad. There had been plenty of foods that I had consumed whose origin was still unknown. “Fried mushrooms it is.” I closed the menu and laid it on the table. I could feel Liam’s eyes on me and when I looked up, I was right. He was staring right at me, an intense look on his face. “Either you need to shit, or you find it fun to stare at the freak.”

  He shook his head and winced. “Neither, actually. Why do you call yourself that?”

  How was I supposed to answer that without telling him exactly who I was? There’s no easy way to let someone know that you were a freshly sprung mental patient with a penchant for setting loved ones on fire. Shit. The truth would make him run for the hills.

  “Does it matter? It is what it is.” The waitress chose that moment to come to the table. I ordered the mushrooms and a glass of water. Once she walked away, I stared down at the table. Maybe he would think I was immensely entertained by the cracked plastic table top, instead of the truth: I was avoiding him.

  “Okay. So you’re a freak. That works.” I looked up when he spoke, taken aback by his ability to let the subject go. He smiled and set the glass down. “Next question then. Read any good books lately?”

  I laughed and covered my mouth. “Really?”

  “You asked me about the weather before. So books seemed like a good topic to go with next. Do you read?” I shook my head no. “No time for it? Or no interest?”

  “Neither. All the time in the world and none available. Boxers or briefs?” I smirked as his face turned a bright red.

  “Neither.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me, causing a blush to creep up on my face. “Romantic or comedy?”

  I stared at him for a moment, confused as to what he was asking. He didn’t laugh this time. His mouth hung open in shock, which made me giggle uncontrollably. “What?”

  “Oh shit. You’re a pod person. I knew it.” He closed his mouth and leaned back against the hard booth. “Who the hell doesn’t read, doesn’t have a preference in movies, and asks someone about the weather when they were just outside enjoying it?”

  I shifted uncomfortably, feeling like a caged animal once again. There were no walls closing in on me this time, but his judging eyes were enough to condemn me. “Whatever. Like that shit is important.”

  A plate of fried lumps were suddenly dropped in front of me. They looked utterly disgusting and the smell was enough to gag a maggot, but I picked one up anyway. Liam was watching me again, waiting for me to run from the stomach-churning mess in front of me. Or maybe he was waiting for me to run from him. Either way, I wasn’t going to let him see me squirm.

  With a deep breath, I dropped a nasty lump into my mouth. I began to chew slowly, trying not to breathe through my nose, as I let the atrocity float in my mouth. As I chewed, I realized that the flavor wasn’t that bad. The texture was a little unnerving, but the taste was actually pretty good.

  “Hmm. I thought they would taste more like dirt.” He laughed as I continued to shove the food into my mouth. As hungry as I was, now was not the time to be ladylike.

  He continued to watch me, and after a while, it didn’t bother me as much. Every time I placed another mushroom in my mouth, he would squirm. It became a game, at least in my mind. His eyes were sparkling with glee, which meant he was enjoying my reaction.

  Instead of ignoring him, I decided to play my own game. With each bite, I let out a moan and licked my lips, catching the dripping grease before it could roll down my chin. After the third time, his eyes seemed to darken and his shoulders became tense. He was no longer laughing as he watched me eat.

  “Having fun over there?” he asked.

  I nodded and l
icked my fingers. “I really am. Best damn mushrooms I’ve ever had.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  “I’m sorry. Did you want some?” I asked innocently, letting the innuendo hang between us.

  He cleared his throat and leaned forward, his elbows coming to rest on the table. “Not this time. Maybe next time.” That damn smirk was back.

  “Who says there will be a next time? Maybe these mushrooms were a one-time thing?” I mirrored his movements, our eyes locking over my empty plate.

  He nodded and pulled out his wallet. Throwing a twenty on the table, he rose from the booth and tucked his book under his arm. “We’ll see.” He smiled as he turned away. I watched him walk through the restaurant, my eyes glued to his ass, as he remained oblivious to everyone around him.

  With my body in full-on lust mode, yet again, I grabbed my bag and made my way out of the booth as well. Fucking mushrooms. They would be the death of me if I wasn’t careful.

  Chapter Four

  I tried to stop thinking about Liam. I really did. But as I lay under the pier, my bag of shit bundled under my head, I couldn’t stop his face from taking over my every thought. Why did he have to be so damn addicting?

  I didn’t even know him! I mean, sure, we had had two encounters already, but I didn’t know who the hell he really was. He could have been a murderer for all I knew.

  That thought brought me up short. He wasn’t the murderer. I was.

  All I wanted was an escape. To run from the past that always seemed to be at the front of my mind. Was there no way to leave those memories behind and start over? Really start over? Would I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life?

  No one in town would ever forgive me for what I had done. I would always be remembered as the satanic little bitch that set her house on fire, with no regard for the lives of her parents. They didn’t know the truth of what happened that night. Hell, I wasn’t so sure about it myself.