Burn Out

by Ruthi Kight

  I was desperate for a moment to compose myself. The dream had been more vivid this time, more disturbing. Never, in the ten years since the dreams began, did my mother ever speak to me. Not only had she spoken to me, but she had blamed me for her impending death. Sure, I knew that I was to blame for her death...but never, never, did I think that she blamed me.

  The world didn't know, but she did. She had to have known. Right?

  I watched as Liam made his way back into his bedroom, closing the door quickly. He wanted me to open up to him, to tell him about the demons that haunted me, but how could I? Would he even understand what was going on inside my head?

  The blackness that lived within my heart, which threatened to suffocate me during every waking moment of my life. The overwhelming pain that was always just below the surface. These were all things that I had learned to deal with...by myself. Bringing him into the mix had thrown off all of my coping mechanisms.

  Hell, he threw me off balance. Period.

  When I heard the shower start, I stood up and made my way into the kitchen. My ankle was no longer painful, but there was still a slight tenderness to the area. Guess I had to be careful on it for the next few days. I didn’t want to injure it any further and end up completely incapable of doing anything for myself.

  Hmm...But then Liam would be forced to take care of me. Maybe I could get one of those little bells...No. No more thoughts like that. Liam didn't deserve that kind of punishment.

  The coffeepot was easy to spot in the kitchen, since it was the only appliance on the counter. What? Had he never heard of a microwave or toaster? If I had the money, I would have went straight to the store and gotten them, but I couldn't even afford my medication, much less appliances.

  There was fresh coffee already waiting and I thanked the coffee gods above for sparing me the agony of making my own. I found a cup by the sink and grabbed it. With a quick pour, a spoonful of sugar, and a shit ton of milk, my coffee was ready. The taste was like heaven. I sat down at the table to enjoy the quiet moment, my fingers warmed by the heat of the cup.

  I hadn't always been a coffee drinker, but when Ashley practically poured it down my throat a few years ago, I found that I actually enjoyed it. Sure, it left me feeling a little edgy sometimes, but it wasn't the end of the world. Only once had that edginess nearly been my undoing, but that had been after almost a full pot within an hour’s span.

  Luckily, there had been no matches or lighters nearby, so we were safe. I had found that no matter how good my medication was, there were some things that interfered with its effectiveness. Coffee was enemy number one, evidently. Lesson learned, especially after Director James had me put in a lockdown ward for the night. I never wanted to visit that room ever again.

  As I sipped my morning coffee and stared out the back door, I heard footsteps from behind me. I didn't want to turn around. How could I face him after everything that had happened? A lesser person would have run by now, but apparently I was a glutton for punishment.

  “Fresh and clean?” I asked, not bothering to turn around. He grunted and began his search of the kitchen. I heard cabinets open and shut, then more grunts, followed by a very loud sigh. “What are you looking for?” I finally turned, only to find him standing in the middle of the tiny kitchen, both hands on his hips.

  “My coffee cup...well shit. No wonder,” he replied, staring directly at the cup that was clasped in my hands.

  “Oops, sorry. I just grabbed the first one I could find.” I turned back and took a sip, savoring the delicious taste sliding along my tongue. The next minute he was sitting at the table, across from me, blatantly staring at me. “What?”

  “I'm gonna have to buy another one, aren't I?” he asked with a smile. I nodded and took a long, lingering swallow, making sure to run my tongue around the rim to catch any stray drops. “You're killing me right now.”

  With a laugh, I finished off the coffee in the cup and handed it to him. “There, all yours again. So, no more pouting.”

  “Oh, so you're done having a moment with my cup? Good to know,” he said as he ran his finger around the rim where I had just licked. What was it with this guy and needing to taste everything I touched?

  “So, what's on the agenda for today? Anything exciting happening?” I asked, trying desperately to be nonchalant about it. Inside, I was dying to get out of the house. Even if it was only down to the beach, it would be better than sitting inside and dying of boredom.

  “Depends on what you call exciting. I've got to be to work in an hour,” he replied, taking the cup and making himself some coffee.

  Well shit. Guess that meant that I would have to figure out how to entertain myself for the day. With no car and barely any money, my options were seriously limited. As if reading my mind, Liam said, “You could always come with me.”

  I looked at him like he had lost his mind, which made him laugh. “I work at the library, Delia. Nothing exciting, but at least it's a job.”

  A day spent in the library? Surrounded by books that I didn't read, with people all around that wanted nothing more than to have my head on a stake? No, thanks.

  “I think I'll just, umm, find something around here.” He laughed, the sound sending my heart racing again. He was able to elicit so many feelings from me with such simple acts.

  “Suit yourself. I'll be back by five,” he replied. With a final nod, he left the kitchen. Alone, yet again. Seemed to be the norm for me these days.

  With another glance out the back door, I decided that maybe it was for the best. I could spend the day swimming and enjoying myself, something that I hadn't done in a very long time. The ocean, with its calming waves, would be a good companion for the day.

  ***

  “I have no bathing suit,” I grumbled as I threw my bag on the couch. I knew there wouldn't be one, so looking was pointless, but the act alone made me feel better. “Time to shop, then.”

  I grabbed some money and tucked it into my pocket before heading out the front door. If I remembered correctly, there was a small surf shop down the road. It was about a mile, or so, but still within walking distance. As I made my way down the street, I noticed the lack of people all around.

  Ten years before, this street had been a main attraction for Sunny Shores, boasting some of the best seafood restaurants around. But now, the place was abysmal. There were no kids running around. No families packed into their SUVs and mini-vans, ready for a day at the beach. Instead, there were dead plants, brown grass, and tons of litter scattered all over the place.

  It broke my heart to see the town collapsing all around. It had never been a tourist trap like Myrtle Beach, but damn. It used to have at least some action.

  When Mike's Surf Shop came into view, I let out a sigh of relief. Some things never changed. Mike's had always been the best place in town to get anything and everything for surfing and the beach. While there weren't a bunch of cars in the lot, at least they hadn't pulled the shutters down just yet.

  I opened the door and walked in, inhaling the scent of Banana Boat and coconut. It had always been one of the best parts of going there. The smell was calming, just like the ocean, but it was more than that. It was like I had come home.

  As I made my way over to the racks of bathing suits, I noticed someone standing behind the register, watching me carefully. With a small nod and a smile, I resumed my search. I kept my attention split between the bathing suits and the cashier, never letting my guard down. With the reputation that preceded me, I couldn't be too careful.

  After only a few minutes, the man got up and walked towards me. His face, tanned and leathered from the sun, was familiar, but I couldn't place why. His dark blonde hair, messy in an I-haven't-bathed-in-weeks kind of way, was a little off putting. Unlike Liam, this guy's hair was a total turn off.

  “Can I help you find something?” he asked. He scanned my body from head to toe, lingering on my breasts. I immediately felt dirty and wanted to find a heavy winter coat to put on top of my
clothes. Something to cover up the parts that he seemed to be enjoying, as he leered at me.

  “Umm, I'm good. Thanks,” I said as I focused my attention back on the bathing suits. My fingers skimmed different suits, lingering on a bright pink one piece that seemed to scream my name. The low dip in the front, coupled with the even lower dip in the back, left little to the imagination, but there was something fucking sexy about the suit.

  With my focus elsewhere, I didn't notice that creepy dude had moved even closer. His body odor was so overwhelming that I had to take a step back. Once I was out of sniffing distance, I was able to regain my composure. Stopping myself from vomiting right there was more difficult than I could have imagined.

  “Dude, back up. You're in my bubble,” I said, watching his every movement. Instead of moving away, he took a small step forward. “Don't make me fuck you up, dude. It's not the day to mess with me.”

  He laughed at me, spittle flying from his gap toothed mouth. “I guess I should be scared, huh? Too bad, I'm not.”

  His began moving towards me again, but I was trapped. A rack of shirts was stabbing me in the back, keeping me from getting away from Captain Nasty and his rank body odor. His hand moved towards me, but before he could touch me, he was jerked backwards by the collar of his shirt. I had been so focused on watching him that I hadn't noticed anyone else in the store.

  Behind him stood my rescuer, clad in board shorts and a white tank top. His blond hair was done in dreadlocks that fell almost to his ass and his angry, green eyes were sparkling in the dull light of the store. He looked like one pissed off stoner.

  He jerked the guy towards the door, the entire time whispering in his ear. No screaming, just quiet threats. Stinky's expression would have been comical if he hadn't just tried to put his hands on me. I couldn't move as I watched the man get ejected from the store. From my vantage point, I watched my savior's tone body as he used his muscles to his advantage.

  When he turned to me, I began to feel scared again. I started to back away, to escape, but he put his hands up in front of him, trying to ease my frazzled nerves. “It's okay. He's gone. You're safe.”

  He took a few steps towards me, but my body was already in fight or flight mode, which sent me skittering to the right. I wanted to get the hell out of there, but he was so close to the front door that there was no way I could make it out.

  “Stay the fuck away from me! I'm serious!” I screamed at him, starting to feel like I was out of control. My heart was racing, bouncing around, and almost knocking a hole right through my chest.

  He stopped, his eyes pleading with me to understand. “I won't hurt you. If I wanted you hurt, I would have let Dan have his way with you.” He shook his head and looked away, scanning the store. “I'm sorry, seriously. He's never...well...I didn't think he was that fucking nuts.”

  “You hired that psycho? What the fuck!?” My heart was slowing down, causing my body to lose some of its rigidity. I was far from calm, but at that moment, I didn't feel like my body was going to rip apart and run in different directions. Control. I had to get it, or bad shit was bound to happen.

  Just as I was coming down, I realized my biggest blunder for the day: I hadn't taken my fucking meds! Shit! Would it make a difference if I took it when I got back? Or was the day already shot to shit since I failed to take them at my normal time? Dammit...this was one moment where I missed the routine and schedule of rehab.

  “Like I said, I didn't know...screw it. My bad. I screwed up. Moving forward?” he asked with a sheepish grin. There was something disarming about this man. Once the fear was gone, I was finally able to take a real look at him. He wasn't as scary as my mind had first made him out to be, but he definitely wasn't a boy scout either.

  I moved closer to him, my body only locking up a little bit this time. He had a cautious look on his face and his own body tensed, waiting on my next move. Good, I had put him on high alert. For our current situation, that was a nice change of pace.

  “I didn't come in here to start trouble. I just need a bathing suit,” I said, moving towards the rack I had first looked at. That pink bathing suit was still calling to me, practically screeching in my fucking ear.

  He was watching me again, still wary of me. “That's a nice choice, that one. I wouldn't have pegged you as a pink fan.” He smiled and I felt my knees go weak. Holy fucking shit. That had to be one of the most perfect smiles I had ever seen. His teeth, all straight and white, were fucking bliss. He should have seriously started off with a smile like that. No way could I have been scared with him looking like that.

  “Normally, pink wouldn't even be on my radar. But this...I don't know. It's perfect.”

  “Shall I bag it up for you?” he asked, moving towards the rack where I was hovering.

  I took a quick look at the price tag and stepped back quickly. Forty nine fucking dollars! There was no way I could afford that. “Um, on second thought, I think I'll just-”

  “Oh, didn't I tell you? Everything is 90 percent off.”

  “You don't have to do that...”

  He shook his head and waved me off. “Consider it a 'welcome back' discount.” Ah, so he knew who I was. Great. I could feel the panic building, just imagining what he thought of me being back around town. The look on my face must have tipped him off, because he said “Nothing to worry about. Unlike the rest of the idiots in this town, I don't believe the rumors.”

  With a nod, I slipped the bathing suit off the rack and held it up. It really was perfect, but if I accepted this “discount”, would I owe him later on? “I'm not sleeping with you.” What. The. Fuck. Where did that come from? The words spilled from my mouth before I could even stop and think about what I was saying.

  Instead of getting upset, he just laughed, clutching his stomach as the tears began to stream down his face. Once he composed himself, he looked at me and winked. “As cute as you are, you're not my type, if you get my drift.”

  Oh. Well then...that changed things. There was no way I could have been any more embarrassed in that moment. “Oh fuck. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. The filter between my brain and my mouth has been on vacation for a while now. Dammit...”

  “Don't worry 'bout it. It happens. I'm not offended.” He took the bathing suit from me and walked to the register. Following behind him, I watched how his shorts clung to the firm globes of his ass. Pity he swung for the other team. I wouldn't have minded spending some alone time with him.

  “So...with that special discount of yours, how much do I owe you?” I pulled some cash from my pocket and began counting. There wasn't much there, which sent my mind on a spiraling trip. The little bit of money I had wouldn't last long, especially at this pace.

  He watched me unfold my tiny wad of cash and stuffed the bathing suit in a bag. “How about this? You take it as a gift, you know, since you were almost accosted in my shop. Least I can do, you know?”

  I shook my head. “No. That's seriously too much.”

  “I won't take no for an answer. Take it. Enjoy it. I insist,” he replied, forcing the bag into my hand.

  He was officially taking Southern hospitality to a whole new level. You’ve always heard that people down south were known for their sweet tea and welcoming arms, but this was beyond anything I had ever experienced. This man was truly too good for words.

  “Thank you. Really. I'll repay you one day, I promise.” With the bag clutched against my chest I waited for him to speak. I was so sure that he would change his mind at the last minute and snatch it back, finally realizing how unworthy I was of this amazing gift. But he didn't. He smiled and waved, signaling the end of our exchange.

  He had ignored my promise to repay him, essentially blowing me off. With my heart ten pounds lighter, I left the store. I couldn't wait to get back to the house and get changed into my new bathing suit. Imagining Liam's face if he ever saw it on me put some pep in my step. No, he wouldn't be home when I got there, but one day...one day I would show it off for him.<
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  Chapter Eight

  Spending the day at the beach was exactly what I had needed. I got fucking sunburned, but hey, it was totally worth it. The feel of the gritty sand beneath my toes, exfoliating my feet and getting a completely free pedicure, was amazing. There were tons of people out on the beach for most of the day, but by the time the sun began to set, most of them had cleared out.

  Now, watching the sun go down while sitting on the sand, was the epitome of perfection. There was no way to describe the sense of pure, unadulterated joy that I felt in that moment. The only thing that could have made it better, was watching it with someone else. But there was no one. I had no idea if Liam had ever come home, but if he did, he hadn't come looking for me. It wasn't like I had gone far.

  This was a life that I could seriously get used to. Waking up whenever I wanted, doing whatever I wanted, answering to no one. It was perfect, but I knew that it wouldn't last forever. There were so many things that I needed to get ironed out, none of which I could do while lounging around on the beach. It was a shame, considering this was a beach town.

  A thought hit me as I sat there. Dreadlock guy. Surf shop. He had fired that creepy guy earlier today, so maybe he would consider giving me a job. From what he had said earlier, he didn't think I was a murdering psycho bitch, but did that mean he would be willing to pay me to hang in his shop? It was worth a shot. As my mother used to tell me, they can't say no and yes in the same breath. Believe me...I had tried.

  Determination flowed from me, pushing me into action. With any luck, he would still be at the shop and I could catch him before he closed up for the day. As I threw my clothes on, I considered leaving a note for Liam, but decided against it. We weren't at the point where we needed to let the other know where we were going, so it could have been a little too much.

  Within twenty minutes I was back at the shop. There was only one car in the parking lot this time; I hoped and prayed it belonged to him. The closed sign on the door almost made me turn back around, but I was already there. It would be a complete waste to leave so soon, without even trying.