The Carmel Sheehan Story

by Jean Grainger

  Zeinab went on. ‘Why did I do it?’ She paused and gave a sad little smile. ‘Because I hate her. There. I hate my only sister.’

  ‘Why?’ Carmel asked, trying to keep the shock from her voice.

  Zeinab waved her jewelled hand dismissively. ‘Oh, for so many reasons. Our parents loved her more, she was prettier, better at school. She married for love, to someone who loved and respected her, despite what I revealed. He loved her to the day he died, and he was eaten up by guilt but didn’t want her or Sharif to suffer for his mistake. Khalid was such a good man.’ She sighed, her thoughts straying to the past.

  ‘But you loved Tariq. You’re always telling us how good he was...’

  Zeinab’s harsh laugh rent the air in the quiet lobby. ‘Good? Oh, he was good all right. Good at making money, good at having affairs, good at never coming home. Yes, he was excellent at all of those things.’

  Carmel had heard as much from Nadia, but it was a shock to hear Zeinab be so candid. ‘So because your marriage was a bad one, you wanted to hurt Nadia?’

  One part of Carmel felt she had no right to pry, but they were here now, and maybe she could get Zeinab to see how hurtful she had been, and maybe set about fixing the relationship.

  Zeinab leaned her head back against the cushions and closed her eyes. As she did, Sharif came out of the lift. Carmel spotted him but shooed him away with her hand. He looked perplexed for a moment but took in the scene and nodded, indicating he was going to the bar.

  Zeinab sighed, a sigh of pure weariness that seemed to come from her toes.

  ‘I suppose so. She had everything—the nice life in London, a husband and son who adored the ground she walked on, even a meaningful career. And Dolly, your mother, she and Nadia were so close, and I knew your mother couldn’t stand me. Whenever we would visit, I’d see them, the knowing glances, the sympathetic smiles. “Poor you, stuck with your stupid sister again.” She chose Dolly over me every time. And, of course, she couldn’t stand Tariq. She should have been respectful to him because he was my husband, but she wasn’t.’

  ‘Where Tariq was concerned, she had her reasons, Zeinab,’ Carmel said. ‘It wasn’t based on nothing.’ She was anxious the conversation stayed in the realm of reality, not some sad narrative of Zeinab’s where everyone was mean to her and she didn’t deserve any of it.

  ‘She said that to you?’ Zeinab snapped her head around to face Carmel once more.

  ‘Yes, she did,’ Carmel said honestly. ‘She didn’t like him because she thought you were worth so much more. She disliked him because he wasn’t a good husband to you. Her aversion to him was because she loved you. She knew you married him because it was what your family wanted, and that she was the lucky one who got to defy their wishes because they already had one daughter in a good match, as they saw it. You marrying Tariq set her free. That’s how she saw it. And then to see him treat you badly, it upset her. She wanted to be close to you. My mother and Nadia were friends, sure, but there is room for more love in a person’s heart. There’s always room for more.’

  Zeinab smiled. ‘For one who hasn’t known much love, you seem to believe in it.’ The words weren’t harsh, just bemused.

  ‘Maybe it’s because of that. It’s true I never had anyone love me, not for the first forty years of my life—except my mother, and I never got to meet her. But now that I do, I can see how precious it is. It’s why I can’t understand how someone who has a sister could choose to reject them. I know Nadia wasn’t without fault in this. And if you felt left out or whatever when you visited before, then that was wrong too. But what you did tonight was so cruel. And I think you know it too. I don’t know if there’s any way back for you two, but I really hope there is. And if there is a way you can make it up to her, I think you should try.’

  Zeinab rested her body back against the couch again and nodded slowly. ‘I’m not a nice person, Carmel. I used to be. I was a kind child. But I don’t know, something along the way, I...I just changed, and I don’t like who I’ve become.’

  There was a cheerless acceptance in her voice.

  ‘Zeinab, people change,’ Carmel assured her. ‘I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I was afraid of everyone and everything, and I was living out a life of drudgery because I thought that was all I deserved. Then I met Sharif, and everything changed. You’ve a perception of your life, and maybe some of it is right. Maybe your parents did love Nadia more, she did have a great marriage with Khalid, and Tariq treated you badly. Believe me, Zeinab, I know how undermining a toxic relationship can be. But, the point is, Tariq is gone, and you are your own person with your own path to follow. Did you meet Oscar, the yoga teacher at Aashna?’

  Zeinab shook her head.

  ‘Well, he used to be an investment banker, making tons of money,’ Carmel explained, ‘but so miserable—drinking, being a crap husband and father. He had a breakdown and trashed the house, terrified his wife and kids. But look at him now. He’s calm and happy. He has a great relationship with his kids and even with his ex. It was hard work earning their trust again, but he stuck at it, and now they love him. People can change, but you have to want to change.

  ‘Maybe get some sleep and see if you can talk to Nadia tomorrow. She’s sleeping in our room now, and we’ll leave her there. Sharif and I will sleep in Nadia’s room. But in the morning, I’ll go up to her and see if she’ll see you.’ Carmel wanted to pin down a plan rather than leave it up in the air. Zeinab could well return to her awful self once the guilt wore off, but if there was a plan, maybe she would follow through with it.

  ‘Very well.’ Zeinab dragged herself up and gathered her things. ‘Good night, Carmel.’

  ‘Good night, Zeinab.’

  As she went to walk away, Zeinab turned back, suddenly looking very old. ‘And thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ Carmel gave the older woman a smile as she stood and watched her walk slowly towards the lift.

  Chapter 24

  Carmel entered the bar, which was still buzzing with people. Sharif was sitting with two gin and tonics, reading a medical journal. She sat beside him.

  ‘I got you one. I imagine you’ll need it after that.’ He gave her the drink, which she sipped gratefully.

  ‘Thanks.’ She exhaled fully. ‘What a day.’

  ‘What happened with Zeinab? That conversation looked pretty intense.’

  ‘Well, I think she regrets what she did to your mum, but she’s just so...I don’t know...like her life has been kind of empty, and she feels like it’s OK to be mean or something. But she’s full of guilt and shame and self-loathing. She feels like Nadia got everything and she got nothing out of life. It’s just hard to connect with her.’

  Sharif sighed. ‘I just can’t believe she would do that to Ammi, you know? She is devastated, really heartbroken. It’s so hard to watch.

  Carmel put the glass down and tried to process that last fifteen minutes. ‘Well, as I said, she knows that what she did was horribly cruel. And she admits she was jealous of your mother and that her marriage to Tariq was terrible. She was more open and honest than I’ve ever seen her. She seems to think she’s an awful person, and I think she wants to apologise to Nadia but is not expecting her forgiveness. I told her to leave it until the morning, that Nadia’s sleeping now, so we’ll see. How is she?’

  ‘If she does forgive her, it’s going to take time,’ Sharif said. ‘I’ve never seen her so crushed, even when he died. It’s like every memory is tainted or something, and she’s angry with me, too, for knowing and not saying it. I tried telling her—I explained all about going to Dolly when I wanted to hit him I was so angry, and how she talked about the truth being overrated. I tried to say what Dolly would say if she were here. That my father loved her and only her his entire life and that he made one stupid mistake and regretted it instantly. It wasn’t an affair as Zeinab made out. It was a onetime thing. He regretted it immediately, and he was torn apart with guilt and shame.’

  Carmel sig
hed and held his hand. ‘Let’s just see how things go in the morning. Honestly, this feels like the longest day in history. It’s been a roller coaster.’ She leaned against him, and he put his arm around her while she told him about the exchange between herself and Joe.

  ‘Well, the situation with Ammi and Zeinab might be broken permanently,’ Sharif said, ‘but for Tim and that young couple and his friend Kitty, it’s a happy-ever-after, so the day wasn’t a total washout. I’m so glad you and Joe are getting even closer. We don’t stop needing our parents just because we grow up. I have that with my mother, as you know… Or at least I did.’

  ‘She’ll forgive you, Sharif, of course she will. But she’s hurting, and we have to give her time.’

  He sighed. ‘When I was starting out, in Aashna—actually, even before that—it was Ammi who always backed me. She was there beside me and Jamilla, when Jamilla got sick, and when we had to end our baby’s life, she was there. When Jamilla died, it was Ammi I called. And then, setting up Aashna, she has always been there, right by my side. Such loyalty is rare in life, even from blood relatives. And now she thinks I betrayed her. My father did. That is a fact. But she believes I should have told her. Maybe she’s right. She’s been so steadfast, so dedicated to my happiness and success, and now, well, now, everything is different.’

  Carmel heard the desolation in his voice and longed to help, but there was nothing she could do.

  ‘I think I’ll take her back home tomorrow. Is that OK? I don’t think she can keep going with the trip now, after everything. Can you understand that?’

  Carmel felt a panic. Was he leaving her? She forced herself to be calm. ‘Well, I’ll go with you. I don’t want to leave you to do that on your own, and I—’

  He turned and faced her, holding both her hands in his. ‘My darling girl, please don’t do that. I know how much you were looking forward to this wedding and how Joe can’t wait to show you off to everyone. This is a really big thing for you, and I do wish I could be in two places at once, but Ammi needs me now. And you’ll have Joe and Luke and Jen and everyone, while she only has me. I was so low after Jamilla died, she didn’t leave my side for weeks, making me eat, talking, not talking, just being this constant strong presence. And having that helped me get through those first horrific months. I can’t let her down now, even if she’s angry with me. She needs me. I know you might feel a bit intimidated facing that gang on your own, but you won’t be on your own, my love. You’ll have your family, the ones who will love you as much as I do. I’ve been thinking about it, and this is the only thing that makes sense, so I’ll take Ammi home tomorrow.’

  He glanced at his watch. ‘Actually, we should probably go in a couple of hours and try to get to Shannon in time for the first flight back to London. Zeinab can stay here, or go back to Pakistan or… Well, to be honest, I don’t care what she does. But you go on to the wedding as planned, and then you can fly home to me when it’s all over and you’ve met your family.’

  His chocolate-brown eyes were pleading with her to understand and give in, but she dreaded the thought of him leaving her. She knew she was being pathetic, and of course she had Joe and everyone, but Sharif was her rock. Still, she would have to do it, let him be with Nadia. His mother needed him more right now.

  ‘Of course, come back with me if you really want to,’ he said, trying again. ‘I’m not laying down the law here, I know better than that.’ He grinned. ‘But I believe it would be best for you and I really think you’d regret it if you missed out on the chance to meet your whole family.’

  ‘It’s fine, Sharif, and you’re right. I should stay. Joe would be so disappointed if I left, and Nadia really does need you. OK, I’m a big girl.’ She smiled weakly. ‘I can do this. The wedding is on Saturday, so that’s the day after tomorrow, and I’ll fly home either Sunday or Monday.’

  They went to bed in Nadia’s room, and Sharif booked himself and his mother on the first flight back to London. Eventually, they fell asleep, entwined in each other’s arms. She woke when his alarm went off, though the room was still in darkness.

  ‘Go back to sleep, my love,’ he whispered. ‘I’ll call you later, when we’re back at Aashna. I’m just going to get Ammi.’

  He kissed her gently and tucked her in. He dressed quickly, and as all his things were in the other room, he was ready to leave in a matter of moments. They’d packed Nadia’s things the night before, so he just needed to bring her suitcase with him. He rubbed Carmel’s head and bent over her to kiss her goodbye.

  ‘I love you,’ she murmured.

  ‘I love you too,’ he replied.

  She must have drifted back to sleep, because when she woke an hour later, it took her a moment to remember where she was.

  She lay there, in the dark. The distant sounds of occasional traffic and the odd muffled conversation from the car park behind the hotel was all she could hear. She pulled the blanket up to her chin, and soon she wasn’t forty-one, she was seven or eight again, in her small iron bed in Trinity House. A memory returned, of a nun, Sister Bridget, who had been very kind. She played with the children and showed exceptional warmth; all the kids loved her. One day, Carmel had made her a card at school. It was coming up to Mother’s Day, and all the other children were making Mother’s Day cards, so she decided to make one for Sister Bridget. She was so proud of it—it had a blue butterfly on the front, and inside she had written in her best writing: To Sister Bridget, happy mother’s day, love Carmel.

  She didn’t let any of the girls in her class see it, because she didn’t want to have to explain. But it felt so good to have someone to make a card for.

  When she’d gotten back to Trinity, there’d been no sign of Sister Bridget, and when she asked Mother Patrick, the Reverend Mother who ran Trinity, where she was, she got a curt, ‘Sister Bridget has gone to another convent. She won’t be coming back.’

  Carmel couldn’t believe Sister Bridget would go without saying a word. Just leave. She was heartbroken, and she scrunched up the card she had taken such care to make and cried tears silently into her pillow.

  As an adult, she’d once asked what had ever become of Sister Bridget, and one of the care workers who had been there the longest said that poor old Sister Bridget suffered from her nerves. She’d apparently imagined some kind of relationship between her and Father Delaney, who said mass in Trinity once a week, so she had to be moved for her own sake, before she disgraced herself and the entire congregation.

  That was the last time Carmel had experienced such an acute sense of loss. She had loved and been let down, and she’d vowed at age eight never to get that close to anyone again. It was a promise easy to keep all those years—nobody ever tried to get close to her. But Sharif, he changed all that.

  She knew she was being ridiculous—it was only a few days, and she’d survived for over forty years on her own before she met him—but she could not shake the bereft feeling she felt in his absence. She got up and dressed and went back to their room. It was still early, and the others probably weren’t up yet.

  All of her things were where she’d left them, but all of Sharif’s stuff was gone. She sat on the bed, took the pillow from his side and held it to her face. It still smelled faintly of him, the woody, spicy scent he always wore. She held it close and allowed the tears to come.

  Chapter 25

  Carmel was trying and failing to read a book when the sound of gentle tapping came on her bedroom door.

  ‘Who is it?’ she asked through the door, suddenly nervous.

  ‘It’s Zeinab.’ Her voice was uncertain.

  The very last person on earth Carmel wanted to see was Zeinab. But she’d have to open the door.

  Zeinab stood there, looking positively dowdy compared to usual. Gone were all the jewels and the heavy makeup, and her hair didn’t even have its usual sparkly clips. She wore a plain dark plum-coloured shalwar kameez.

  ‘Carmel, I’m sorry to come so early, but I just wanted to—’

 
‘Zeinab,’ Carmel stopped her. ‘I’m sorry, but they’re gone. Both Sharif and Nadia, back to London. They left early this morning.’

  Zeinab must have heard the despair in her voice. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ Carmel couldn’t summon up the strength to be anything but blunt.

  ‘Is everything OK between you and them, you and Sharif?’ Zeinab took in the empty room, Carmel’s bloodshot eyes.

  ‘Yes, fine, but I decided I wanted to stay and go to my cousin’s wedding. My dad has gone to lots of trouble for us to be here, so it wouldn’t have been fair on him if I just took off. But Nadia couldn’t face it, not after everything.’

  ‘This is all my fault, isn’t it?’ Zeinab spoke quietly.

  Carmel didn’t answer.

  ‘So what should I do now?’ the other woman asked.

  ‘I have no idea, not one,’ Carmel responded wearily. Last night, Zeinab had seemed so despondent, and she still was, but not to the same extent. And anyway, the more Carmel thought about it, the more appalled she was at what Zeinab had done.

  ‘Does Joe know they are gone? Should we tell him?’

  Carmel thought she detected a bit of enthusiasm in Zeinab’s voice. Surely, she wasn’t still trying to have a crack at her father, after everything? The woman was incorrigible.

  ‘We won’t tell him anything, Zeinab. If anyone is going to speak to my father about this situation, it is me.’

  ‘But what should I do? I’m at a loss...’ Zeinab wanted Carmel to solve her problems and salve her conscience, and Carmel was in no position to do either of those things.

  ‘That’s up to you, Zeinab. I don’t know what you should do, to be honest, but I do know that Nadia doesn’t want to see you, so if you do go back to London, perhaps make arrangements to collect your things from her house through Sharif or something. Maybe going back to Pakistan is the best option, for now, anyway?’