The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “God, I want you,” Rory panted in the second before their mouths collided once again. She raised Beth’s arms and pinned them to the shelf above their heads. Rory freed one of her hands and ran it down the length of Beth’s arm and side before touching bare skin where her shirt had come untucked. Beth gasped at the feel of Rory’s hand against the exposed skin of her midriff. Rory dragged her mouth across her cheek and up her jaw to nibble on her earlobe.

  Beth sagged under the weight of her arousal. She’d had moments of need, but they’d never been so out of her control, so unrestrained, so all-consuming. She grabbed Rory’s shirt again, twisting it in her fist before she tugged it over Rory’s head and tossed it to the floor. Beth touched her mouth to the skin of Rory’s shoulder, tasting and kissing her way along her collarbone and into the hollow at the base of her throat.

  Rory trembled and Beth was overwhelmed with her own power. She’d never felt alluring, and certainly not sexy, but when she met the deep green of Rory’s eyes she could see that Rory found her to be both. Rory clearly needed and wanted her, but she saw something more.

  “Beth, I...” Rory seemed to choke on a word. Beth felt the word too, but the realization made her step back and bump the bookshelf again.

  Rory started toward her again but froze when Beth placed a hand firmly on her chest. “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t,” Beth panted.

  “Why? What did I do?” Rory reached out to her, agony mixed with confusion visible on her face. “I thought you wanted—”

  “I do.” Beth nodded. “I want you, all of you, but it’s more than that. I could fall in love with you.”

  “That’s,” Raine ran her hand through her hair, “a good thing?”

  Beth sighed. “I don’t make love to someone with the possibility that it might lead to love, or even because I’m in love with her.”

  Rory shook her head, clearly trying to understand Beth’s ramblings.

  “It’s only making love if both people feel the same. Otherwise it’s just sex, and as appealing as that is right now,” Beth looked at the beautiful body before her one last time, “I’m not sure I could survive it in the long run.”

  Summoning all her strength she turned from the most gorgeous thing she’d ever seen. Beth strode away before she could wonder what a horrible mistake she’d just made.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Raine wandered back to her apartment, dazed. What had happened? One moment she’d held everything she wanted literally in her hands, and the next, Beth was gone. It’d been hard to focus on Beth’s words through her lust-induced haze, but she thought the conversation had turned very quickly from sex to love and she hadn’t sorted that out yet. She knew only that she was cold, confused, and empty, not to mention topless.

  “Where’ve you been?” Edmond asked when she walked into the apartment. “You look like shit.”

  “Great. That means a lot coming from the guy with the hangover.”

  Edmond regarded her more carefully. Whether it was her wrinkled shirt and tousled hair, the way she was pacing aimlessly, or the glazed-over expression she couldn’t hide, he must’ve realized something wasn’t right. He patted the spot next to him on the couch. “Spill it, girlfriend.”

  “Beth and I kissed last night,” Raine said, flopping onto the couch. “Then we made out this morning and she ripped my shirt off.”

  “Beth? The Beth I met last night? Girl-next-door Beth?”

  Rory nodded.

  “Sweet little just-came-out-of-the-closet Beth?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “Gorgeous, dark curls, with blue eyes like Elizabeth Taylor’s?”

  “Are you trying to kill me?” Rory groaned and buried her face in the couch cushion.

  “She doesn’t seem like the lady-on-the-streets, freak-in-the-sheets kind of girl.”

  “I know, right?”

  “So this is a postcoital haze you’re in?”

  “No. She stopped halfway between second and third base and started talking about how she doesn’t have sex without love.”

  “Women,” Edmond said emphatically.

  Raine threw a pillow at him. “What the hell do you know about women?”

  “I watch LOGO. I know how your people are, always pulling the U-Haul behind them. One kiss and she wants a commitment ceremony and a trip to Cambodia to adopt a baby that you’ll name something absurd like Mullet or Xena.”

  Raine rubbed her face. “What am I going to do?”

  “Find a different sex buddy.” Edmond shrugged, then laughed. “Unless you love her.”

  Raine’s stomach dropped. She couldn’t be in love with Beth. That wasn’t the feeling she’d been trying to put into words in the library, was it? It didn’t make sense.

  Then again, what was not to love about Beth? She was smart, sexy, and easy to talk to. Beth challenged her, but she also let her be herself. Beth wasn’t after Raine’s fame, she wasn’t invested in her public image, and she didn’t suffer her pretentious side. She’d stood by her when it had been dangerous to do so, even when Raine mocked her for it. Beth had never given up her faith in her.

  Also, there was the way Raine’s heart beat faster every time Beth entered a room with her captivating eyes, her sinful body, and her devastating smile. Raine was frozen, her throat too dry to speak, but Edmond must have sensed her turmoil because he jumped to his feet.

  “Holy shit. You’re in love with her.”

  “No,” Raine finally managed to croak. “That won’t work at all.”

  “I don’t think it’s about working or not. When it comes to being in love, you either are or you aren’t.”

  “Not for me.” Raine couldn’t be tied to someone who was bound to Darlington the way Beth was. That wasn’t how her future was supposed to be, although at the moment she wasn’t sure why.

  *

  Beth had hoped to leave church quickly today. She didn’t feel particularly religious after the way she’d yanked off Rory’s shirt in the library. She wasn’t sure what had come over her, but kissing Rory was clearly a dangerous activity. It was a miracle she’d found the fortitude to walk away because, remembering the sight of Rory standing there, bare-chested, with desire and longing in her eyes, she wasn’t sure she could do it again.

  Thankfully she wouldn’t have to. Rory must think she was a crazy woman for getting her all revved up and then going on a rant about love and sex. Beth had confirmed that she was still an old-fashioned, small-town farm girl, and no amount of coming out of the closet would change that.

  Oh, God, I came out of the closet, Beth thought with horror. Now she’d likely scared off Rory and had certainly alienated Kelly. As soon as word got around she’d lose more friends. Where did that leave her? Sure, she could sleep better at night without the fear of being outed, but she probably was destined to sleep alone. What a trade-off.

  Her life was changing too quickly, and she had no idea what to do about it. The last thing she wanted was to make small talk with her fellow congregants. She’d almost made it out the door when a woman caught her arm.

  “Hello, Mrs. LaRussa,” Beth said, forcing a smile for the pastor’s wife. She and her husband had been good to Beth, never failing to invite her to holiday meals or remember her birthday. What would they, like so many others who had tried to be her surrogate family after her parents died, think of her recent actions? Would they feel shocked? Betrayed? Disappointed?

  “Beth,” Mrs. LaRussa said, “would you like to join us for lunch?”

  “Actually, I have other plans.” It wasn’t a total lie. She’d promised Miles she’d be at his house for their gay and lesbian group that afternoon, but that wasn’t for another hour. In the meantime she needed to rest and try to clear her mind.

  “Another time then?”

  “Of course,” Beth said, and turned to make her get-away, but Mrs. LaRussa didn’t let go of her arm. Beth could see the woman was unsure if she should say what she was about to. She even opened her mouth
and shut it before giving another weak smile. Beth sighed. “I guess word gets around fast in this town.”

  “It does, dear,” Mrs. LaRussa said.

  “And?”

  “And you, my child, are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hand of God. He has a plan for each and every one of us, and He doesn’t make mistakes.”

  Beth threw her arms around the woman in front of her and fought to hold back the tears that filled her eyes. “Thank you.”

  “No thanks needed. We all love you, Beth. We want you to be happy.”

  Beth nodded. That’s what she wanted too, but she wasn’t sure what that meant for her. She had to love herself, but what if she also loved someone else, someone who might or might not love her back?

  She was still pondering that question at Miles’s later in the afternoon as she pulled a pan of chocolate brownies out of the oven.

  “Those smell almost as good as you do,” Rory murmured in her ear.

  Beth jumped and dropped the pan onto the stove with a yelp.

  “Sorry.” Rory chuckled. “I thought you heard me come in.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Beth said forcefully, then mentally added, I was too busy wondering if I should let myself fall in love with you. Seeing Rory now with her hair feathered lightly across her forehead, her green eyes sparkling with delight, and that rakish grin that made her so damn irresistible, Beth wondered if the more appropriate question should be, Could I stop myself from falling in love with you, even if I wanted to?

  “I’ll try to give you more warning from now on.” Rory stepped closer. “For instance, I’m going to kiss you now.”

  Beth relaxed as soon as Rory’s lips touched hers. She fought the urge to reach up and touch her because if she did, she’d lose control and begin tearing at her clothing again. Unfortunately, she didn’t need to worry about the fire starting to spread through her body, because Kelly’s voice saying, “Well, that didn’t take long,” quickly cooled it.

  *

  Raine and Beth jumped apart like guilty teenagers whose daddy had caught them rolling around in the hayloft. Raine had been so wrapped up in seeing Beth again that she hadn’t stopped to consider the other members of the group.

  “Kel...” Beth seemed lost for what to say. Faced with Kelly’s dejection and Beth’s sadness, Raine glanced quickly from one woman to the other. In that moment it was clear there was a loser in every game. She knew how it felt to see Beth in someone else’s arms, and despite her animosity for Kelly, she didn’t wish that kind of torture on anyone.

  “Kelly, can we talk?” Raine finally said.

  “It’s a little late for you to grow a conscience, don’t you think?”

  Beth cut in. “She’s not the reason we broke up.”

  “Doesn’t look that way to me,” Kelly said through clenched teeth. “She’s been after you since the day she got back to town.”

  Raine heard shuffling outside the doorway to the kitchen and realized they had an audience. “Kelly, I think we should move this outside.”

  “Oh my God, Raine’s going to fight Kelly!” she heard Miles say from around the corner.

  “No,” Raine said, loud enough to be heard in the other room. “That sounded bad. I meant we should go somewhere and talk out of earshot from the peanut gallery in there.”

  Kelly scowled but headed toward the back door. Raine motioned for Beth to stay there. Then, reading her nervousness, she kissed Beth’s cheek. “It’ll be okay.”

  They stood on a small deck that descended into a square of dead grass that comprised Miles’s backyard. Of course a gay man would have an immaculate house and pay no attention to his lawn. She smiled fleetingly at another stereotype, but her amusement faded as she noticed the sharp chill in the air. The weather was turning cooler, but it didn’t compare to the frosty vibe Kelly was sending her way.

  “Kelly, I know what you were insinuating in there, but I never pursued Beth while you were together.” Even as the words left her mouth she reconsidered them. She had a flash of memories—she and Beth laughing over pizza, locking eyes in a moonlit cornfield, her hand in Beth’s at the baseball game, Beth in her arms after the homerun. She’d never purposefully come between them, but if she was honest with herself, she’d been attracted to Beth from the moment she saw her standing in the library.

  “You projected your agenda into our lives, Rory. You filled her head with ideas about coming out. What did you think would happen to our relationship when she did?”

  “I didn’t think about—”

  “That’s right. You didn’t think about anyone but yourself.”

  Raine’s anger built. “What about Beth? Did you ever think about what living in the closet was like for her? Did you consider how much it hurt her to lie to the people who’ve loved her like a daughter?”

  Kelly hung her head.

  “No? I didn’t think so. Sounds like I wasn’t the only one thinking of myself.” Raine leaned against the porch rail. Was it possible that she and Kelly were more alike than either of them cared to admit? And if so, where did that leave Beth?

  “What are your intentions with her?” Kelly asked more calmly.

  Raine stifled a laugh.

  “You think this is funny?” Kelly’s voice rose again. “She doesn’t have a father or a brother to interrogate the people she brings home. Somebody has to watch out for her, and nobody loves her the way I do, so it might as well be me.”

  Though the logic was convoluted, somehow it made sense. When the tables were turned, Raine had been the one to ask the tough questions about Kelly.

  “I don’t know what my intentions are,” she answered honestly.

  Kelly shook her head. “She left me because she wanted a future I wouldn’t give her.”

  “We’ve only been together for a day.”

  “Are you still going back to Chicago?”

  “Yes,” Raine said automatically. She’d never wanted to come home in the first place.

  “So you’ll either leave her or tear her away from all those people you mentioned earlier. You know, the ones who love her like a daughter?” Kelly was circling now, and Raine felt claustrophobic. Her future seemed to narrow before her. Beth couldn’t leave her home, and Raine couldn’t ask her to, but the possibility of never seeing her again caused a sharp pain in her chest.

  Raine exploded. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about how she’ll fit into my life. I don’t even know what my life will be like a year from now.”

  “You’d better start thinking about it,” Kelly said as she headed for the door.

  Raine didn’t follow her. She stood at the porch rail, staring blankly at the brown grass below her. She didn’t feel the cold or hear the voices from inside. Everything was spiraling out of control. The great cosmic joke that was her life continued. She was working a dream job in her nightmare of a hometown and being forced to realize that she was at least partially to blame for the family tragedy she’d built her career on. Now she had to deal with the fact that she was falling in love with a woman who embodied everything she’d worked so hard to create her identity against.

  Could Raine St. James, the boi who survived, really fall in love with the darling of Darlington? What did that mean for her? Could they have a future together? If so, who would that make her? Surely not the woman she’d worked hard to become. But if she lost Beth now—after holding her, kissing her, letting her into her heart—would she even want to be the person she’d become?

  *

  Beth pretended to focus on the conversation around her, but she kept stealing glances out the window. Kelly and Rory had a lot of animosity between them, and Beth’s actions had only compounded the situation. Still, she cared for them both and hated the way they constantly insulted each other. That’s surely what they were doing outside, and it appeared as though Kelly had won this round. As she came back inside and sat across the room, her mouth was set in a hard line and her dark eyes were resolute, while Rory stayed behind on the porch, her back
turned to the house and her shoulders slumped.

  Beth fought the urge to go to her, to hold her and protect her from whatever demons she was fighting now. She’d had this instinct since Rory had arrived in Darlington two months ago, lost and defensive. Beth felt an unexplainable need to soothe her fears.

  At first she thought she was being a good friend. Now she realized her connection to Rory ran deeper. Maybe she’d started falling in love with her from the very beginning. Perhaps Rory had been tugging on her heart as soon as she walked into the library that first day.

  Whatever the case, she’d been swept up in the rip current of emotions that always swirled around Rory—with her magnetism, her charm, her passion, but also her uncertainties and her sullenness, as well as her distrust. Beth wondered which side Rory was considering now. What if she chose to run again? Would Beth be able to see the signs and protect herself from getting burned, or would she keep dancing ever closer to the flame, knowing even as it consumed her that she’d be left in a pile of ashes when Rory moved on.

  “She’s not easy to love,” Edmond said quietly as he sat beside her on the couch.

  “I don’t know if...I’m not in...” Beth sighed. “Is it that obvious?”

  He smiled. “Yeah, sugar, but don’t worry. I won’t tell her.”

  “Thanks.” She liked him. Despite his flashy and polished appearance, he was someone she’d probably enjoy spending more time with. He’d taken good care of Rory all those years ago when she was a lost teenager in a strange city, which carried a lot of weight with Beth. “Are you having a good time on your country getaway?”

  “I am,” he answered enthusiastically. “It’s not what I expected.”

  “What, you didn’t know there were such devilishly handsome gay men in the middle of cornfields?” Miles asked from across the room, where he’d been chatting with Wilson.

  “I didn’t expect to find gay men at all.” Edmond laughed and let his eyes linger a little longer on Miles. “Especially not such handsome ones.”