The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “You want my ideas?”

  “No, I want you.” Flores laughed. “I bet women tell you that a lot, but in this situation I mean I want you academically.”

  Raine forced a grin. She did enjoy working for this woman. “I’m not sure I follow.”

  “I want you to give the opening address at Homecoming next Friday.”

  “Oh, well—”

  “Don’t ‘oh well’ me. The theme is Expanding Horizons. It’s perfect for you, and I know you don’t have any problems with public speaking.”

  Raine quickly tried to come up with a logical reason to refuse, but Flores interpreted her silence as acceptance, or at least as resignation, and gave her a quick hug. “You’ll be great.”

  Raine stood, stunned as Flores hurried off again, stopping only to call “thank you” over her shoulder as she went. What the hell had she gotten herself into now? She couldn’t even focus on her classes. How would she be able to keep her mind off Beth long enough to prepare a speech for the entire campus? Then again, maybe a project was what she needed to prove to herself there was more to her existence than Beth Devoroux.

  *

  October 19

  Beth pushed her shopping cart through the grocery store. She needed to eat, but nothing appealed to her. It was unusual for her to lose her appetite. She’d barely been able to choke down a few bites of food a day since last Sunday at Raine’s parents’ home. She’d always had the stereotypical farmer’s stomach, and the last time she’d been too upset to eat was when her parents had died.

  How could losing Rory compare to her parents’ death? She’d only had Rory in her life for the past two months. So what if she had hoped for much more than that? It was a silly dream.

  What hurt the worst was that the dream had felt so close. Last Sunday when Rory picked her up for dinner, Beth could practically feel forever in the air. Rory’s smile when she opened the car door and the tenderness in her eyes as they’d stood on her parents’ doorstep were so endearing. The ease with which they’d settled in around the St. James dining table made Beth feel like she was meant to be there. Then the fire that consumed her and Rory that night stirred an ache in Beth’s chest that she’d never known could exist. Everything had been perfect, too perfect.

  No matter how possible the dream felt that night, Rory wasn’t even real. No, that wasn’t true, and even in her hurt and anger she knew that Rory was the truth and Raine was the illusion. Unfortunately, she could spend the rest of her life trying to convince Rory of that fact and never succeed.

  Beth felt like a fool. She’d been pouring her heart out, and Rory had only been killing time. She supposed she should have been flattered that Rory was willing to go to such great lengths to bed her. She obviously didn’t invite just anyone home to meet her parents, but Beth had misread that event as suggesting she wanted something more than a few nights of hot sex.

  The sex would’ve been hot, Beth was certain. She could still feel the way Rory’s skin burned under her touch and the complete abandon it inspired in her. She’d never been so consumed with desire. She’d practically tackled Rory when she asked if she wanted to go through with what Beth had thought would be a long night of lovemaking.

  And what was that? A perfect act? Did Rory ask all the women that question, or was it one final ploy to give Beth a false sense of security? She was so smooth, and Beth had fallen for her act. She groaned aloud.

  “Hey, stranger, you okay?” Tyler asked as he stood up from restocking the meat counter.

  Beth blushed, ashamed to be caught agonizing in the deli section. “I’m fine.”

  “You sure?” Concern filled Tyler’s normally jovial expression. “You look like shit.”

  “Thanks.” Beth grimaced. That was how she felt, but at least everyone at work had been polite enough not to mention that it showed.

  “I’m serious. What happened to you?”

  How could she tell him that she’d let herself fall for one of their mutual friends and got her heart broken? That would put him right in the middle of everything, not to mention the embarrassment of telling him what a fool she’d been. But she couldn’t go on much longer with all this angst locked up inside. So, without giving any thought to her surroundings, she threw her arms around him and allowed the tears to fall.

  She blubbered, “I almost slept with Rory, and she’s running away again after we had dinner with her parents, and she wasn’t going to tell me. I think I fell in love with her.”

  “Oh, Jesus,” Tyler murmured, and ushered her back into the storeroom. “So you fell for Rory and she rejected you?”

  “Yes,” Beth said with a sniffle. “Not exactly. She kissed me, we went to dinner at her parents’, and she wanted to sleep with me, but she doesn’t want to be with me.”

  “She said that?”

  “No, but she’s leaving. She wrote some big article, and her agent found a way to break her contract so she can go back on tour.”

  Tyler rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Isn’t that what Rory does for a living? Goes on tours, talks to crowds, writes articles?”

  “Not when she’s under contract with the college,” Beth said in a huff. She couldn’t believe she’d poured her heart out to Tyler and he was siding with Rory. “And not when she’s leading me on.”

  “I didn’t mean that she should leave. I didn’t even know you two were dating.”

  “We just started.” Beth paused. Were they dating? They’d had one date and a couple of make-out sessions. “She took me home to meet her parents. What does that mean to you, Tyler?”

  He nodded solemnly. “That’s pretty serious. You don’t generally do that with someone you plan to leave in a few weeks.”

  “Right,” Beth said emphatically.

  “So maybe she wasn’t planning to. Maybe she wants to date long-distance or have you go with her.”

  The thought hadn’t occurred to Beth, but she dismissed it quickly. “She should have talked to me about that before she tried to get me into bed.”

  “Well, yeah,” Tyler blushed a little, “but some of us forget the details when we see a pretty girl.”

  Beth cracked a bit of a smile. “Rory knows exactly what she’s doing with women.”

  “Maybe,” Tyler admitted, “but we both know Rory’s not as confident as she wants everyone to believe, especially with everything she’s been through in the last few months.”

  “Don’t make excuses for her.” Beth didn’t want to sympathize with Rory. She recalled Rory’s expression when she told her she wanted Raine out of her life completely and realized grudgingly that perhaps Rory was a little wounded too, but she didn’t care about that now.

  “I’m just saying that a lot has changed in her life. She’s got to be confused.”

  Beth found it strange that Tyler was using the same words Rory had used. “What about me, Tyler? I’ve come out of the closet, been through a breakup, and fallen head over heels for someone who wanted to get as far away from here as possible.”

  “That’d be confusing too. You two are about as different as they come, and neither of you is likely to have a personality transplant anytime soon.”

  “What am I supposed to do?”

  Tyler shrugged. “Hell if I know. When’s the last time you saw me in a serious relationship? I’m more of a buy-you-beer-and-make-you-smile kind of a guy. I’m not the person you ask for love advice.”

  Beth sighed. She hadn’t really expected answers from Tyler. She hadn’t expected so many questions from him either. She’d wanted him to be outraged on her behalf, not make her consider Rory’s side of things.

  “Can I do something to make you feel better?”

  “No. I thought only Rory could make things better, but after talking to you, I’m not even sure she’s capable of that.”

  Tyler frowned. “Glad I could help.”

  As Beth left the store without buying anything, she felt even worse. Now not only was she brokenhearted, she might be at fault. Had she pushed Rory to
o hard? Had she tried to make her something she wasn’t? She’d always thought she was helping Rory by bringing her home. But perhaps she’d really been forcing her own agenda all along. She’d worried she was falling in love with someone who wouldn’t love her, but maybe Rory simply couldn’t. The prospect seemed even more hopeless now.

  *

  October 23

  Raine startled awake and tried to make sense of her surroundings. She was slumped at the bar that divided her kitchen from her living room. She’d fallen asleep sitting up for the third time that week. She’d given up on her bed, hoping to avoid the vivid dreams of her and Beth together.

  The couch was equally haunting; she couldn’t even sit there without memories flooding her—Beth on top of her, their lips pressed together while they allowed their hands to roam freely over each other’s bodies. Raine could still feel Beth’s supple figure and the tantalizing bit of skin that she’d been able to caress before they were interrupted.

  She’d replayed that horrible moment in her dreams every night, and now it was happening during the day too. In its current variation Raine had been making out with Beth on the very bar where she was currently sitting, but all that was left now was a small puddle of drool.

  “That’s sexy,” Raine groused, and picked up her pen. She had to finish this speech. She was due at the auditorium in two hours to speak to the entire student body, the faculty and staff, and a large group of alumni. She’d been writing all week, but nothing had any spark. Expanding Horizons should have been the perfect topic for someone who’d made a name for herself by leaving a small town for the big city. She’d traveled all over America and met people from so many different backgrounds that she couldn’t even remember them all. Speeches like this were usually simple for her. Why was she having such a difficult time with this one?

  Her deep depression didn’t help. Her sadness over hurting Beth had infiltrated every aspect of her life. She’d missed a meeting with the Pride students because she couldn’t focus on her schedule. She hadn’t gone to Miles’s on Sunday for fear of seeing Beth, and she’d skipped dinner with her parents because she didn’t want to answer their questions. She’d called and told her mother she wasn’t feeling well, which wasn’t really a lie. Now she couldn’t even do the thing she was famous for—woo an audience with stories of her life. Most disturbing, though, she couldn’t muster up her trademark anger.

  Rage had always been her standby. When she was scared, she got angry. When she was lonely, she got angry. When she was confronted, she got angry. Now she was all of those things, and she merely felt sad, though not the simple kind of sadness that came from life’s little disappointments. Raine’s sadness was deep, bone-aching, and mind-numbing. Every time she thought of Beth, her chest literally throbbed. She’d hurt Beth. She’d let her down. Raine had broken Beth’s heart, which in turn broke her own, but what could she do?

  She’d tried to explain her reasoning, but Beth wouldn’t listen. Beth had never listened to her. Beth had a vision of what Raine’s life should be and she didn’t stop to hear Raine’s protests. She’d brought her here against her will. She’d dragged her out with Chris and Tyler. She’d browbeaten Rory until she met with her parents. Beth did nothing but push her from the moment she arrived back in town, and Raine had nothing more to give.

  Not that Beth expected anything from her now. She’d made it clear that she wanted Raine out of her life for good. It was probably better that way, so why did it hurt so badly?

  The phone rang and Raine snatched it. It couldn’t be Beth, but a part of her was still disappointed to hear Edmond on the line. “Where have you been? You haven’t returned my calls all week.”

  “I’ve had a lot on my mind,” Raine mumbled. She didn’t want to go into it, but Edmond wouldn’t give up until he got his fill of her dirty laundry.

  “Did you already fuck it up with Beth?”

  “Why do you assume I messed it up?”

  “Honey, it’s what you do when someone challenges you. You lash out. It’s your MO, but I thought she might be the one who’d give it right back to you.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Raine ignored the inner voice that told her he’d been brutally accurate. “She’d been lying to me this whole time.”

  “Really? Miss Sweet-Down-Home is a great deceiver? That doesn’t sound like her.”

  “She was the one who brought me here, Edmond. She’s the one who put me through this hell, and she never told me.”

  “That’s why her name sounded familiar. She called to ask about you.” Edmond sounded like he’d just remembered what he forgot to pick up at the grocery store, not like someone who’d been told a revealing secret.

  “Did you hear what I said? Beth’s responsible for me being stuck in Darlington.”

  “That’s one take on it.”

  “Are you going to tell me another way to look at it?”

  “How about you were broke, got evicted, and she gave you the only job you’d been offered in months?”

  “Damnit, Edmond.” Raine jumped off the bar stool and began to pace around the apartment. “She orchestrated the whole thing. If she’d stayed out of my business I wouldn’t—”

  “What?” Edmond asked sharply. “You wouldn’t have a place to live? Wouldn’t have a job? Wouldn’t have reconciled with your parents? Wouldn’t have finally met the one woman who doesn’t let you act like a sullen teenager?”

  Raine was glad he couldn’t see her with her mouth stretched open. Edmond had never talked to her like that, and she couldn’t think of a single rebuttal. “You make it sound like she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  Edmond sighed wearily. “I didn’t say that, but maybe you should think about it.”

  “It sounds like you like her more than you like me.”

  “Don’t be such a twit, Raine. I like her because I love you.” He chuckled. “And you were happier down there than I’ve ever seen you. You’re the only one who can’t grasp that.”

  “What about my career?” she asked weakly as she sank to the floor. All her energy drained out of her at the daunting shift she was facing.

  “You’ve reached a dead end,” he said sympathetically. “You need to revise your act or find a new one. No one wants to hear from a twenty-seven-year-old who’s still pissed off at her parents.”

  “I’m not pissed at my parents. I’m not pissed at anybody,” Raine finally admitted aloud. “Being back here has changed me.”

  “That’s a new spin on things.” Edmond paused. “Actually, redemption is big right now. I could sell that.”

  “You think being back here redeemed me?”

  “I don’t know, has it?”

  Raine reached back to steady herself even though she was already sitting on the floor. She thought of Chris and Tyler, of her students, her parents and brother, but mostly she thought of Beth.

  Beth smiling at her in a cornfield under the moonlight. Beth holding her while they danced in her apartment. Beth’s pride in her the night they helped Scott. Beth’s hand in hers under the table at her parents’ house. Beth kissing her and making all her uncertainty disappear. That was why she wasn’t angry anymore. Beth had soothed something inside her. Beth had changed the way she viewed the world. Beth had changed the way she saw herself.

  “Damn, Edmond, I did fuck it up.”

  “You better fix it,” he said flatly.

  “I don’t know if I can.” That thought sank in slowly, and Raine felt like she was sinking too. How was she supposed to be what Beth needed? How could they possibly work through this? Was Beth even willing to give her another chance?

  “I can’t sell this story if you don’t get the girl, and you’ll be miserable without her.”

  “I’m hanging up on you now.”

  “Wait.”

  “What?”

  “Did Miles say anything about me after I left?”

  Raine rolled her eyes and dropped the receiver. She’d deal wit
h that problem later. Right now she needed to figure out if she could salvage the greatest thing she’d ever thrown away.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Beth tried to smile as she led a group of distinguished alumni to their reserved seats in the auditorium. She’d volunteered to usher for the homecoming address before she knew Rory would be the keynote speaker, and by then it was too late to find a replacement. She would simply put on a happy face and sneak out unnoticed before Rory spoke. She was being childish but wasn’t sure how she’d react to seeing Rory, and she didn’t want to find out in a room filled with the entire population of Bramble College.

  Beth was ashamed of the way she’d fallen apart. She’d been a wreck for the last twelve days, not that she was counting. She hadn’t thought it possible to be more upset than she’d been during the first week, but after she talked to Tyler on Monday, she began to question her own involvement in her estrangement with Rory. Had she demanded that Rory be someone she couldn’t be or asked more from her than she could give? Had she fallen for an imaginary woman, and if so, could she ever settle for anything less than the Rory St. James she believed existed?

  The overhead lights dimmed, signaling the crowd to settle down. Beth scanned the room one more time to make sure no one else needed a seat, though she wouldn’t be much help since the auditorium appeared to be filled to capacity. She wasn’t surprised to see so many people turn out for Rory’s speech. She was born to command an audience, and Beth knew she’d be stunning under the spotlight, which was exactly why Beth had to get out of there.

  Beth sighed in relief when the last member of the board of trustees was seated and the lights dimmed completely. With everyone’s attention focused on the stage, she’d be able to make her getaway. The only thing to stop her was Dean Flores Molina, who was walking down the main aisle right toward her.

  “Beth.” Flores clutched Beth’s shoulder. “Come sit with me up front.”