The Long Way Home

by Rachel Spangler

  They swayed slowly to the music. It felt so comfortable, so perfect, like they were made for this. Beth rested her head on Rory’s shoulder, enjoying the scent that was uniquely Rory’s. She was falling and she couldn’t stop herself. Rory was too charming to resist, and if she kissed her again Beth wouldn’t be able to restrain herself. She felt terrified yet liberated.

  “Can I talk yet?” Rory asked with a teasing lilt.

  “That depends on what you plan to say.”

  “I was going to ask what you were thinking.”

  “How charming you are.” Beth didn’t see any reason to put off the inevitable. Rory had her. She might as well know it. “What about you?”

  “Ironically, I was thinking the same thing.”

  Beth pulled back to search Rory’s deep green eyes for any sign of mockery and found none.

  “What?” Rory asked. “You wooed my whole family tonight. Two weeks ago they barely acted like I was there. This week they’re practically begging me to marry you.”

  Beth rolled her eyes, trying to downplay the way her stomach tightened at the mention of marriage. She’d never even let herself consider such a dream. “Your family is wonderful. I had a good time tonight.”

  “I did too.” Rory sounded surprised. “I never thought I’d enjoy an evening like this.”

  “Really? It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Beth smiled through the wave of sadness that threatened to overwhelm her. “A family around that cares what happens between me and the beautiful woman by my side.”

  Rory gasped and her eyes clouded over. “I never let myself wish for that. If you don’t let yourself want something, you can’t be sad that you don’t have it.”

  “What about now?” Beth held her breath. What would she do if Rory said she still wasn’t interested?

  Her fears, however, were short-lived because Rory held her closer and whispered, “You’re teaching me to believe I can have it all.”

  Beth tried to hide her shudder, but Rory had to have felt it. “There you go being devastatingly romantic again.”

  Rory’s lips still hovered near Beth’s as she mumbled, “I can’t help it. You inspire dramatics in me.”

  “Then you better stop talking before I fall apart completely.” Beth cupped the back of Rory’s head and guided their lips together. As their kiss snowballed from tender to passionate, Beth wondered if she’d ever get her fill of Rory. Right now she couldn’t imagine being able to tear herself away. She couldn’t conceive of the night ending without them making love.

  Beth could barely be angry with herself for being a foregone conclusion, but her resistance had begun to melt the moment Rory asked her to dinner with her parents. Seeing Rory in a casual family setting was like watching the final grain of sand slide through an hourglass. Beth could no longer cling to her modesty. She wouldn’t be able to hold off now, and she didn’t even want to. Rory was everything she’d dreamed of—charismatic, open, attentive, respectful, and so very sexy.

  The way Rory was running the tip of her fingers under the lining of Beth’s bra drove her insane. She wanted to beg her to rip it off but couldn’t pull her mouth away long enough to do so.

  She clutched at the hem of Rory’s shirt and started to lift it, but Rory pulled away, leaving Beth feeling empty and exposed. “What is it?”

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Rory said between panting breaths. “I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret later.”

  Beth stared at her in disbelief. Was she serious? “You don’t want this?”

  “God, no, that’s not what I meant,” Rory stammered. “I want you so badly I can hardly stand up, but earlier today, you were, well, you did this, and then you said all that stuff about, you know...”

  Rory was trying to be chivalrous. Even now, she was genuinely concerned about Beth. Could she be any more perfect? “Forget what I said earlier.”

  Beth pushed Rory onto the couch and lowered herself on top of her. She’d never been like this before. No one had ever made her lose control. She’d always followed Kelly’s lead, but now her need drove her to assert herself. She wanted every inch of Rory naked and pressed against her. Everything about her was intoxicating. Beth wanted to see her, feel her, taste her all at once.

  She didn’t know where to start. She ran her hands under Rory’s shirt and cupped her firm breasts. They felt even better than they’d looked earlier, and she pushed the shirt up over Rory’s head to get a better view. Their eyes locked for a moment, the green in Rory’s darker than ever, her desire evident. Beth exhaled slowly and lowered her head to take one hard nipple between her lips.

  The shrill ring of the phone cut through the sounds of heavy breathing. Beth raised her eyes without lifting her mouth off Rory’s chest.

  “Ignore it,” Rory said through gritted teeth.

  Beth was all too happy to return her attentions to the woman arching up beneath her, but after two more rings the answering machine picked up and Edmond called out, “Raine St. James rides again.”

  “Damnit, I’m going to kill him.” Rory propped herself up on her elbows and reached for the phone, but she bumped the table and sent the cordless receiver flying halfway across the room.

  “You’re brutal, girlfriend,” Edmond continued. “I read your article. If your plan was to say anything to get out of Darlington, it’s worked, because it will certainly get you the attention you need to get back on the public-speaking circuit.”

  Beth sat up, not sure she’d understood correctly. Rory struggled to get off the couch, terror evident on her face, but Beth held up a hand. She wanted to hear the rest of this.

  Edmond kept on talking. “If you really want to go through with this, I’ll get you out of your contract and back on the road at the end of the semester. You’ll never have to set foot in your hometown again.”

  The message ended and the walls began to close in on Beth. She honestly felt like the room was getting smaller and even starting to spin, which would account for the queasiness in her stomach.

  “Beth,” Rory said finally, putting a hand tentatively on her shoulder.

  “Don’t.” Beth jumped up and moved out of reach. She couldn’t let Rory touch her right now, not while she was trying to make sense of so much new information.

  “Please let me explain,” Rory pleaded.

  “You’re planning to leave. You want to break your contract. You’re going to walk out on your family, your friends, your students.” Beth wanted to add, you’re going to walk out on me, but her heart broke at the thought. She wouldn’t be able to say it aloud. “What more is there to explain?”

  “Nothing is certain yet.”

  “Yet? Jesus, Rory,” Beth shouted. “Because the deal isn’t sealed that makes it okay to lead me on, to lie to me?”

  Rory stood up quickly. “I never lied to you, Beth. You knew I didn’t come here to stay. You always knew how I felt.”

  “No, Rory, I obviously didn’t know how you felt or I wouldn’t be here tonight.” Beth’s eyes wandered to Rory’s bare chest and a flame rose in her cheeks. What might have happened if Edmond’s call had come an hour later? “You invited me to dinner at your parents’, you brought me home with you, you were going to let me make love to you, for God’s sake. How was I supposed to know you were secretly planning to make a break for it as soon as you could?”

  “It’s not like that, Beth.”

  “What’s it like then?”

  “I was putting some feelers out there,” Rory said weakly, “exploring my options.”

  “Options?” Beth blew up again. “And what am I, one of those options? Was I supposed to wait around and hope you picked me? Did you even intend to tell me, or were you planning to sleep with me until you decided to run away again?”

  “I’m glad to see you have such a high opinion of me,” Rory said, anger rising in her voice as she grabbed her shirt off the floor and pulled it over her head. “If you remember correctly, you’re the one who ripped this off me twice
today, not the other way around.”

  “You’re right. I fell right into your hands, but I’m sure you’re used to that by now. You played me perfectly.” Beth cringed at the thought but could find no other explanation.

  “You really think that’s what happened here? You think I played you? That I misled you to get you into bed?” Rory sounded incredulous.

  “What other reason is there?”

  “Did you ever stop to think that I was still trying to figure things out? That maybe I was scared and confused because my life wasn’t turning out how I’d planned? Or maybe I was falling for you too, and I was trying to figure out what that meant to my career.”

  “Excuse me. When you put it like that it sounds much better. You like me, but you don’t want me to damage your public persona? You don’t want the country girl to get in the way of big, bad Raine? I might ruin your image?”

  “I didn’t mean that.” Rory pushed her hands roughly through her hair, causing some of it to fall lightly across her forehead in that disheveled look Beth couldn’t help but find a little sexy even now. “I meant that I haven’t figured out some things yet, and I haven’t decided what I need to do.”

  “Let me make it easy for you.” Beth finally stepped close enough to catch the scent of Rory’s cologne, but this time it wasn’t intoxicating. Nothing but a seething calm overwhelmed her. “Choose your precious image, because I’m no longer an option. I just got out of one relationship because it had no future and I was tired of being a doormat. I’m not going there again.”

  “Beth, please don’t do this. Please don’t give up on us before we even get a chance to see where this is headed.”

  “We were never headed anywhere together.” She sighed heavily as she tried to come to terms with that fact. “I was falling in love with Rory, but you were always thinking about Raine. I told you a while ago that you needed to choose between the two. You’ve clearly chosen Raine, and I don’t like her. In fact, I hate her. I want Raine St. James out of my life for good.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I do. I wish I’d never brought you here.”

  Rory cocked her head to the side as though she’d misheard. “You mean you wish the college had never brought me here?”

  Beth shook her head. She’d put off this conversation long enough, and she didn’t know why. “No, I was the chair of the committee. I lobbied for the position, I pitched you to the board, and I contacted your agent. It was always me.”

  Rory stared at her in shock. “But why?”

  “I read your writing, and you sounded so miserable. I knew you were running out of options. I felt drawn to you, and I wanted to help.”

  “How dare you,” Rory whispered, pausing for a moment before she found her voice again. “What right did you have to put me through this? You set me up to endure all the hell I’ve faced here, and you knew all along that it was your fault. Who was lying then? Who was misleading who all this time?”

  The words hit Beth like an icy wind, chilling her through. “You’re right. I overstepped my bounds.”

  “You’re damned right you did,” Rory shouted as she charged across the room and opened the door. “You wrecked me.”

  Beth stared at the door. If she walked out now it would be the end—the end of her time with Rory, the end of their potential as a couple, the end of all her secret hopes and dreams for their future together.

  Beth stopped in the doorway to look back at Rory one last time before she closed the door to her completely. “Then we’re even, because you’ve broken my heart.”

  Chapter Twenty

  October 15

  “What should we do for our class project?” one of Raine’s students asked.

  “We should do something for homecoming next weekend,” another answered. Raine wasn’t paying enough attention to the conversation to notice who said what.

  “We could gay up the parade, get some dykes on bikes and some go-go boys.”

  They all laughed. “What do you think, Raine?”

  “That sounds great,” Raine said absentmindedly as she stared out the window. She could just barely make out the front doors of the library from where she sat in the classroom. She hadn’t been able to force her eyes off the view for the last forty-five minutes. She was dying to see Beth, to make sure she was okay and that the haunted look had left her beautiful blue eyes, but she was also praying she wouldn’t see her, for fear of how she’d react. She’d felt volatile the last few days and never knew when she’d get the urge to cry or throw something.

  “Earth to Raine,” Scott said. “Did you hear any of this conversation?”

  “Yeah, go-go boys,” Raine repeated before the phrase sank in. “Wait. What?”

  The students chuckled, this time more nervously. “We’re talking about our end-of-the-semester project.”

  “Right. Well, it’s up to you, but if you want to change minds I’d stay away from turning Homecoming into a Pride parade.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “How about a Day of Silence? It’s a program where students who support LGBT rights take an eight-hour vow of silence to symbolize the way society has silenced gays and lesbians throughout history.”

  “But our voices are our strongest weapons. Why would we willingly give them up?” one of the girls asked. “Did Harvey Milk or Margaret Mead stay silent?”

  “I think that’s the point,” Scott cut back in. “What would the world be like today if they had been silent? We wouldn’t have the plays of Oscar Wilde or the poems of James Baldwin.”

  “And where would the civil-rights movement have been without Bayard Rustin or the feminist movement without Rita Mae Brown?” The idea began to pick up and names began to be thrown out from all corners of the room.

  It was hard to believe this was the same group of students she could barely get to say two words six weeks ago. They’d come so far, and their enthusiasm seemed to grow daily. Raine felt energized after every class. In fact, this week her students were the only thing that had kept her from crashing completely.

  “But the National Day of Silence isn’t until April,” one of the students said. “We want to make an impact now.”

  Raine smiled at his impatience. She could identify. “Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we don’t feel the effect of our decisions for years, even decades. Many of the great pioneers never lived to see the dreams they set in motion come true.”

  As she spoke, she realized the same was true of her own career. Every now and then she heard from audience members after the fact. She got the occasional fan letter, but most of the time she gave her speeches, signed a few autographs, and moved on to the next town. This was the first time she’d been able to watch her effect on a group of people long-term.

  Her mood lightened. At least her time in Darlington hadn’t been a total waste. She’d clearly made a difference in the lives of her students, and no matter what Beth thought, Raine did care about people other than herself.

  Why did everything always come back to Beth? Raine couldn’t get Beth’s accusations out of her head. How could Beth think Raine only cared about her career and getting laid? Why couldn’t she see how hard Raine was trying? Didn’t it mean anything that she’d reconciled with her parents or that she’d opened up to her? What about the fact that she’d summoned all her willpower to consider Beth’s feelings when they’d started making love? What kind of sex-crazed maniac did that?

  She was trying to make sense of all the changes, trying to figure out who she was now, trying to do right by her. What more did Beth want? More importantly, why should Raine care? Beth hadn’t given her that consideration when she had dragged her back to Darlington.

  “We can always get together next semester,” another student said, as if that was the simplest answer in the world. He had no idea that the words cut through Raine’s inner monologue like a dart to her chest, reminding her how she’d let everyone down if she broke her contract.

  “I th
ink we should table this discussion for now,” Raine said, rubbing her eyes. “Go home, think it over, and we’ll pick this up again next week.”

  The students looked at her and then glanced at the clock, no doubt confused that she was hurrying them out the door ten minutes early. She’d never done that before, and often many of them lingered to chat with Raine about whatever was on their mind.

  Today Raine didn’t have the energy. She was too busy maintaining her anger at Beth while trying to forget the crushing hurt she’d last seen on her face. She couldn’t think about disappointing her students as well.

  Raine packed her things and began to trudge across campus. The crisp breeze blew through her hair and she suddenly envisioned Beth standing beside her, her dark curls windswept and her cheeks rosy. “Damn,” she muttered under her breath. Her mind had been playing tricks like that on her all week. Why couldn’t she get Beth off her mind? Why couldn’t she summon up enough anger to burn away the hurt?

  She had every right to be furious with Beth, and intellectually she was. She was angry at being pulled back into her past. She was livid that Beth hadn’t been up front with her sooner. She was upset that Beth basically called her self-centered and phony. She was infuriated that after all she’d done to open up to Beth, after all the risks she’d taken, Beth had the nerve to push for more. With all those reasons to be pissed off, why did she still long to be with Beth, to hold her, kiss her, wipe away her pain?

  “Raine?”

  She turned around to see Flores Molina hurrying to catch her.

  “You’re in your own world,” Flores said with her usual bustle of energy. “I’ve been chasing you halfway across the quad.”

  “Sorry,” Raine mumbled. She should probably be more social with the dean of the college, but she wasn’t in the mood for small talk. “What can I do for you?”

  “Our Homecoming speaker canceled on us for next weekend, and I was racking my brain trying to come up with an idea when I saw you.”