Painted Memories

by Flowers, Loni

  I turned into the parking lot of the L & L Grocery, seeing that the local florist had already closed for the day. It wouldn’t seem right if I showed up empty-handed, and I wanted to get a bouquet of flowers to place on Jesse’s grave. There were hardly any cars parked in the lot, which was typical at night for a small town like this. Entering the store, I turned to my right and walked to the back, where I knew the flower display would be. I didn’t need to make a calculated decision, and grabbed the first bundle of mixed flowers I saw before heading for the checkout. As I walked up front, I grinned at the giggling I heard coming from a woman and a soft-spoken man who was with her. Passing by the aisle, I saw the back of an older man with his arms wrapped around the woman’s waist, her hands wedged in his back pockets. I couldn’t help but think about Drew, and how he made me giggle like that. I ignored my thoughts of him and continued toward the checkout counter. “A man cooking for me… I’ve got to see this,” I heard the woman say and stopped in my tracks. Turning quickly, I looked down the aisle again and caught their eye. I was speechless when the couple strolled up to me.

  “Lilly? Is that you, dear?”

  I took a step back. “Mom?” I looked from her to the man, “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, demanding an explanation. Yes, my father might be a jackass, but he was still my father, and the last time I checked, she was married to him.

  “Honey, please don’t make a scene… not here. Now’s not the time.”

  “You don’t need to explain anything to me. I can see for myself what’s going on. I can’t believe you, Mom.” I was disgusted. Of all the times I could have learned about this, tonight had to be the night… on top of everything else. Unbelievable! I walked away from them and stepped up to the counter. Tossing a twenty-dollar bill down, I turned away, not bothering to wait for my change.

  “You know, maybe if you came around more often, you’d know just what I had to go through,” my mother said behind my back.

  I whipped around and took a couple steps closer to her. “Come around more often? Really? After everything Dad put me through since Jesse died? He practically forced me to leave. I had to. I couldn’t take it anymore… but you wouldn’t know about that, would you?” I shook my head as the tears fell from my eyes. I was furious and quickly wiped my cheeks. “No, you wouldn’t… it’s kind of hard to know anything when you look the other way all the time, isn’t it?”

  My mother turned away, but not before I saw tears filling her eyes. I didn’t care, nor did I give her time for a comeback. I walked out without another word.

  I sat on the marble bench beneath the small roof of Jesse’s mausoleum. It was a massive structure, larger than any of the others on the cemetery grounds. Mom insisted he have a place that we could visit in any type of weather, something with a bench, and a lamppost. I thought it all seemed foolish, knowing Jesse wouldn’t want something so extravagant, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thankful now for my mother’s idea and planning. I’d spent too many days and nights there. The cemetery was on the way home from school, and many days, I opted to go there and do my homework, or just read. Cemeteries were supposed to be creepy, but not to me. Whenever I was here, it felt like Jess was beside me. I felt more at home at this place than I ever did at home.

  Pulling my legs beneath me, I folded my arms across my midsection. It was dark and the temperature dropped drastically. All I had on were my blue jeans and short-sleeved tee shirt, since in my haste, I forgot to grab a coat. Leaning my head against the marble column, I let the chill seep through me, sending a shiver down my spine. I ignored the goose bumps that covered my body and thought about how ironic it was. I probably looked just like Drew’s painting, only with different lighting. Too bad he wasn’t here to see how prophetic his vision of me truly was. Actually, I was glad he wasn’t here. I didn’t want to see the pity on his face when he looked at me, or after he realized the mistake he made by pursuing me in the first place.

  I sighed and looked over at the bronze door. “I miss you, Jesse,” I said, knowing he wouldn’t answer me back. “I met someone who is brilliant. He’s so talented, but doesn’t give himself the credit he deserves. You were the same way. You two would have gotten along great, I’m sure of it.” I laughed to myself, wondering what Drew must think of me. “I bet he thinks I’m a crazy, emotional wreck. He’ll hate me even more once he finds out I killed you. However much I love him won’t make a speck of difference, once he knows the truth.” Fresh tears moistened my cheeks and I felt the chill on my face when the breeze blew. They swooshed in the distance as the wind picked up, and I started to shake from the cold, but I refused to leave. I wanted to let the chilly air bite at me a little while longer. I heard the rustle of leaves across the grass, giving me an eerie feeling that someone was approaching.

  “Look who decided to finally pay her brother a visit,” he slurred.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked sarcastically after I recognized him. My father slowly leaned to the side before losing his balance and grabbing the column next to me.

  “I should ask you the same,” he said.

  “Oh, please. The only time you visit is when you can’t remember you were even here in the first place. Is it scotch this time? Or one of your famous cocktails?” I snarled at him.

  “How about you mind your damn business. I don’t answer to you. I can drink whatever the hell I want.”

  He pushed away from the post, standing up straighter. I stood and moved from the bench into the opening. In his condition, I didn’t feel safe standing near him. His eyes followed me, a slow smirk crossing his face. “You know, Dad,” I said, a little more tenderly, “this wouldn’t be so hard on you if you’d stay away from the alcohol. It only makes things worse. We can get you some help.”

  “I don’t need any help. I think you’ve done enough.” A bellowing laugh erupted from him and he stumbled again before glaring at me. “Where’s lover boy?” he asked. “You haven’t told him you’re a murderer yet, I gather?”

  “I did not murder Jesse!” I shot back. “It wasn’t intentional, and you know it! For God’s sake, you’re a freaking lawyer. You know better than I do what “intent to kill” means. I loved him. I spent more time with him than you ever did. You only showed interest in what he did after brainwashing him with your law firm every day while he was in high school.”

  The oncoming headlights of a car illuminated our bodies, lighting up the tombstone and trees behind me. Even the slamming of two car doors couldn’t bring me out of my rant. I continued to voice things I’ve always wanted to say to my father, but never had the guts to before.

  My father stepped closer and I could smell the scotch emanating from his body. His dark brown hair was matted down and oily, as if he hadn’t washed it in days. The stubble on his face told me he hadn’t shaved in as many either.

  “You’re delusional. Jesse’s the one who approached me about taking up the family practice,” he insisted.

  “If it weren’t for your stupid law firm, he would have never agreed to go to Harvard. Maybe it’s your fault he’s dead,” I yelled.

  I didn’t have a chance to react when his hand flew up and stung my face. I held my cheek in my hand, gasping. My eyes went wide and tears immediately fell quickly down my face. He never struck me before and I was more offended at that than the pain of it.

  “No! Stay there and don’t say one word,” I heard behind me. It was my mom. I turned toward her and saw the figure of a man standing in front of the passenger side headlight. The bright light blinded me as I tried to see who it was, but I could only make out a silhouette.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Don’t you ever hit our daughter again, or I can promise you I will dig your grave myself!” Mom yelled.

  I rolled my eyes. I was not in the mood to deal with any of this right now. The last thing I needed was to referee any clash between my dad, my mom, and her new boyfriend. “Mom! I can take care of this myself. Dad and I have a lot of catchi
ng up to do. I’ve got something to say that I’ve been holding back for far too long. Just take your boyfriend to wherever it is you usually go, and leave us alone.”

  “I most certainly will not,” she snapped. “Especially not in the condition your father is in. I’ve had to deal with him like this before, and it’s not pretty, but I’ve learned to handle my own.” Mom stepped closer and held my chin between her thumb and forefinger. She twisted my head in the light to look at my face. Her eyes squinted with anger before she sighed. “It’s pretty red, but at least, he didn’t bust your lip or crack your skin open. Those take the longest to heal.”

  What? I was shocked by her candor. I never saw my dad strike her, but since Jesse’s death, his attitude, fueled by his hatred for me, only got worse as the years progressed. The thought of how he treated not only me, but my mom too, made me hate him more than I already did. “How long has this been going on, Mom? What haven’t you told me? And why the hell did you bring your boyfriend here? How could you?” I demanded, looking back at the car.

  “For the record, Lilly, I would never bring Earl here, especially on a night like tonight. And the problems between your father and me started way before Jesse died. It wasn’t this bad until recently, but believe me when I say, it has nothing to do with you,” she insisted.

  “Of course it concerns me!” I argued back. “After everything that happened tonight even before I got here… and now I find out you and Dad are… What? Divorced? Separated? What? It’s like everything has been one big lie. You never told me anything.”

  “We can talk about it later, Lilly. I didn’t come here to argue with you toni—”

  “Then what did you come here for, Mom? What was the point? Please… just go back to your boyfriend and leave me alone,” I pleaded.

  I heard the gravel crunch beneath the man’s feet as he came forward. “I was the one who asked your mom to come here… to find you.” His voice rang through my ears and I stopped breathing. I didn’t have to see his face to know it was Drew.

  Even though I would known his voice anywhere, it wasn’t until he was nearly a foot in front of me and I saw his face that I believed it. “Drew?” I questioned, my voice cracking.

  “Lilly, I’m so sorry. I had to find—”

  “Don’t.” I said, turning my head away from him. I covered my hand over my mouth as I tried to hold my sobs back, but my body shook from the impact of seeing him. I couldn’t believe he tracked me down. How? How did he know where to find me when all he knew was the town I lived in and my parents’ names? I was overwhelmed. Drew’s fingers curled around mine, but I quickly pulled them away and looked at him. “I don’t think you should have—”

  “Well, well, well. Look at that. The bitch brought her new boyfriend home after all. Look, Jesse, she’s already rubbing in the fact that she’s moved on… without any sorries or regrets that she put you in that grave. Tell me, boy,” my father said, looking at Drew, “how does it feel to date a murderer?”

  The question barely left his mouth when my mother slapped him across his face. “Don’t you ever talk to your daughter that way!” she yelled.

  My dad’s eyes were wide with shock and I stared at Drew. He looked back at me, his hands balled in tight fists next to his sides. I was so tired of crying. My eyes felt raw, my lips tasted of salt, but the tears continued to fall. Like a leaky faucet, there was no stopping the constant drip as they slid down my cold cheeks. I felt guilty and scared all at once and I turned away from him. I was ashamed that Drew finally knew the truth and scared he’d hate me for it. I loved him so much and after everything I’d been through, I was finally starting to feel like I deserved it… deserved him. But now… now I was petrified that I would lose it all.

  Karma has its own way of coming back around and biting you in the ass. Maybe this was it; maybe it was my turn now. All I could do was prepare for the worst and let him go. Soon, he’d tell me it wasn’t going to work out, and if I prepared for it now, maybe it would hurt a little less when it actually happened.

  “Get your drunken butt in the car. I’m not letting you drive like this,” I heard my mother yelling as she pushed my dad towards the car.

  “I’ll just walk,” he shot back.

  “That’s what I should let you do, but I’m far from the monster you’ve become, so get your ass in the car,” she demanded. He conceded and she slammed the car door shut behind him. Walking back to me, she asked, “Lilly, do you know this man?”

  “Yes.” I answered.

  “Do you feel comfortable… I mean, safe with him?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “Very well then. I’ll leave him here with you and take your father to the house.”

  “But—”

  “Whatever questions you have of me or your father can wait. From what I’ve heard,” she looked at Drew, “you’ve got your own life to sort out.” Before walking to the car, she stopped next to Drew and patted him on the shoulder. “Good luck, dear, you still have my number if you need to call me, right?

  “Yes, ma’am I do. Thank you again, Mrs. Morgan. I really appreciate your help tonight.” Drew said.

  “I’m more than happy to help. Lilly, I’ll leave the guesthouse unlocked. No sense in driving back home tonight or wasting money on a hotel. That goes for you as well, Drew. I hope to see you two in the morning.”

  My mom hopped in the car and drove away. The soft, warm glow of the lamp washed over Drew as he stood silently watching me.

  “Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. I’m nuts. I have a messed-up family. My mother is apparently seeing someone else. My father hates that I’m still breathing, and it’s my fault Jesse is lying in that tomb. I was driving that day. I’m the one who killed my brother.” I threw my arms out and pointed to the cemetery’s entrance. “Run, Drew. Run as fast as you can away from me and never look back.”

  He didn’t speak, but continued watching me. When he looked down briefly and glanced back up, I saw a glimmer in his eyes. They appeared glassy, but when he blinked, they were normal again.

  “Well, what are you waiting for?” I asked. “Just go. Don’t worry about sparing my feelings. It’s better off thi—”

  “If that’s what you want, I’ll leave, but you haven’t given me any reason to walk away.”

  Chapter 24

  I stared back at him, too shocked to form a sentence. It wasn’t the response I was expecting and his soft-spoken tone and sad eyes told me he was about to join my pity party. But I didn’t want a pity party, I didn’t need it, or deserve it. As much as my heart swelled to hear him say those words, I didn’t want him to feel like that’s what I wanted to hear.

  “Drew, did you hear a word I said?”

  “Yes. Every word.”

  “Are you sure, because I just said I KILLED MY BROTHER!” I yelled. “My father wishes I were dead. All my friends stopped talking to me after the accident. My mother already pities me, so I don’t need you doing it too.” A gust of wind blew and the chill sliced through me. I stared up at him, watching his hair tousle in the breeze and I thought how sexy he still looked in his suit. The tie was gone, the top three buttons were undone, and the shirt beneath his suit coat was slightly wrinkled. The cold tears stung my cheeks as I realized he was missing his own party back home. Instead, he was standing beside me in a graveyard. I walked away, turning my back, and wrapped my arms tightly around myself, freezing in the crisp air.

  “Have you ever really stepped back and thought about what your father is accusing you of?” Drew asked bluntly.

  I turned to face him again, “Excuse me?” I asked, as if it were the dumbest question I’d ever heard. “I’ve had the last five years to think about what he’s told me. Every. Single. Day.” I glared at him as my teeth chattered.

  He closed the gap between us, using his thumb to swipe the tears on my cheek before he pulled his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders. I felt instant relief with his warmth enveloping me. The scent of his aftershave floa
ted up and I sighed longingly as I breathed him in. “Thank you.”

  “Let’s get out of this wind.” Drew shuffled toward the car, and I followed behind. He opened the passenger door, “Get in, I’ll drive.”

  Once he positioned himself in the driver’s seat, Drew pivoted to face me. It was an awkward feeling to have him so close. I was scared he would get angry with me any moment for not telling him the whole truth. I pressed the sleeve of his jacket to my cheeks, wiping the remaining tears off.

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I whispered, breaking the silence between us.

  He ignored the apology. “It was a horrific accident, Lilly. It could have, and I’m sure has happened, to other people. You didn’t ask the deer to jump in front of the car. You jerked the wheel, most people would have. But you cannot blame yourself for what happened. If it were the other way around, would you want Jesse to feel like he killed you?” Drew asked softly.

  He was right, of course, he was; but rationalizing it in my head and saying it out loud still didn’t make it okay. “No, I wouldn’t want him thinking that way. But you know, when your father tells you that you ruined someone’s life over and over… I guess eventually, it starts to stick. I know I didn’t kill him on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was my fault.”

  “It doesn’t change the fact that you were driving, but mistakes happen and you have to learn to let it go. I’m not saying you should forget what happened, simply recognize it for what it was, an accident, and let it go.”

  I nodded, understanding what he was trying to get across. The therapist said as much, but I never confessed to her that my father was blaming me. Maybe my sessions would have been more productive if I had.

  Drew rubbed the back of his fingers across my cheek. “Are you okay? Does it hurt still?”

  “He hurt my feelings more than anything else. Dad never hit me before and it took me off guard.”

  “It took a lot of restraint to keep from coming over to you when he did that. If it weren’t for your mom, I would have kicked his ass. I’m sorry to say, but your dad’s a real dick.”