Holding Onto Hope

by L. Grubb

  Butterflies take off in my stomach and I'm not sure if it's the nerves because of them bastards coming after us or it's the words spoken by a guy that's so hot he should be made illegal to all women-kind. I shake my head of the thoughts; there's no good coming of trying to start something with someone like him. He's the president of this club, he's a powerful guy and he can chew me up and spit me out... that would make this whole lockdown shit awkward. For now, I need to concentrate on myself.

  A year ago, I went into therapy after an ex-boyfriend assaulted me, leaving me for dead in a flat we shared together in Tottenham. I remember the tasks the shrink gave me for my anxiety so I know what to do. I don't say another word. I concentrate on my feet on the concrete, pushing backwards and forwards to sway the swing in a gentle movement.

  The silence between us isn't uncomfortable which is nice. I sit there quietly, enjoying the rare sun on my face and the slight chill in the breeze that brushes over my skin. I lean my head back, watching the fluffy white clouds drift across the blue sky. It reminds me of a time when I was a teenager, before cancer took the life of my brother, and we used to lay on the grass in the garden and point out the clouds and say what they looked like. I miss those times, I really miss my brother. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. He was taken so young, at just eight-years-old, he had his whole life ahead of him. Leukaemia ravaged his body much like a bullet to the chest. It took just two weeks after he was diagnosed, two weeks of pain and agony, screaming and vomiting, to pass away soundly as he slept. I was the only one there with him, I was just thirteen myself and my wails and uncontrollable screaming woke my mum who was taking a break to catch a couple of hours kip whilst I kept an eye over Jackson. My heart felt like it was wrenched from my chest. We were close, as close as siblings can be. As I laid on his bed, crying on his shoulder as his breathing slowed to a stop, I promised him I'd make something of myself, I'll follow my dreams of being a nurse and helping those who can't help themselves. I kept that promise and looking up at the sky now, I smile. Would he be proud of who I’ve become? Even if I had a shitty roof over my head, a dad that didn't care, a mum who turned to alcohol to help her cope, would he be thinking that I was still his hero?

  I feel the lone tear slide down my cheek, but I have no energy or desire to wipe it away. I love you, Jackson, I silently say to the sky. The breeze ruffles my hair and I imagine it's Jackson telling me he's okay.

  "Hope, what's wrong?" Mack's hand rests on my thigh, squeezing gently to get my attention. "Why are you crying?"

  "It's nothing." I don't trust him enough to tell him about my pitiful life, I may have become a nurse, but it didn't pay well and I struggled. With no friends or family, my mum disappearing with a man half her age, I didn't want Mack to look at me with sympathy in his eyes. I don't need pity.

  "Don't lie to me, babe. I know there's something wrong. If it's something I can help with, then please don't hesitate to tell me.”

  I laugh sarcastically. "No one can help me. No one can bring my brother back. No one can take away the memories of my ordeal. No one," I whisper that last bit. I really am pathetic.

  I can practically hear the clogs turning in his head with what I said but he chooses to stay silent, which I must say I’m grateful for. I didn’t mean to say anything about my brother. It’s hard enough to know that he had to rescue me when he doesn’t know me. And to see me dressed like a hooker? Yeah, not a great first impression.

  “Look, you don’t need to tell me jack shit. We’re here to keep you safe and that’s what I intend to do.” He removes his hand from my leg and turns my face towards him. “But I wish I could take your pain away.”

  This has my heart skipping a beat, my pulse racing and blood rushing to my cheeks. No man has ever said that to me before. I squash down the emotions and force my face away from him and look back down at my feet. I need a minute to compose myself, to calm the crashing waves of emotions that are swirling inside of me. I shouldn’t even think about how good looking he is, how his five o’clock shadow makes his jaw line more prominent, how his hazel eyes darken when he looks at me or his lips that look… enough, Hope, one thing at a time and definitely no thoughts about a man who could ruin you, I say to myself in my mind, shaking my head of the thoughts I had no right of having.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he says, placing his hands behind his head. There is no way in hell I am telling him what I’m thinking. Fucking hell no.

  I lie instead, “Nothing much. Just thinking about how lucky I was not to succumb to a more harrowing experience with them bastards. How I had it better than a fourteen-year-old girl who was made to do things that no child should ever experience.”

  “Listen to me. It’s over. For both of you at least...”

  I don’t let him finish what he’s saying before jumping in with, “Yeah, for us two. What about the other young girls there, huh? Those men are probably going to be so much harsher with them because we’re gone. Lucy was their star girl; the others must be going out of their fucking mind with what may happen to them. I wish we could save them all, though I know it’s practically impossible.” Tears are running freely down my face, images of those girls flit through my mind and my heart breaks for them. I hope to God they’re okay.

  “You can’t be responsible for everyone. Okay, I know I sounded like a complete cunt right there but you’re right, it’s impossible to save them all. It’s bad enough with the hell that’s coming our way with you two under our protection.” He sighs and his right hand scrubs down his face. “Look, I know it’s hard for you with what you’ve been through and you’re safe, as is Lucy. Try not to think of the other girls, we’ll find a way of getting them out of their clutches.”

  I nod, biting my tongue on saying more. I should be grateful, I could have had it a lot worse and Mack saved me from a lifetime under their roof, stripping to God awful songs and having greasy, obese men salivating over my state of undress. I shiver, still able to feel their sleazy eyes on me. Wrapping my arms around myself, I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting the chill that rushes through me; and it’s not from the slight breeze out here either.

  “Hope?” Mack’s concerned voice breaks the spell that those dickheads have over me. My eyes open but tears pool at the corners, threatening to slip down my cheeks in a slow river of shame, anger and show the weakness of the real me. “Don’t overthink, okay? You’re safe now. If you need someone to talk to…”

  “You mean a shrink?” I look at him incredulously. I’m not a nutter, I’m entitled to be upset after all I’ve been through, right? Why would I even want to speak to a complete stranger? Especially after I was taken by complete strangers. “If you hadn’t noticed, I was taken from the street by people I didn’t know so how do you think I’m going to trust some guy in a white coat?” I stand abruptly and throw him a dirty look. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can.” With that, I head to the glass doors, slide them open and disappear inside where a party is just getting started. How long was I out there for? Why do these people want to party when a danger looms over their heads?

  “Hope, right?” A woman with vibrant red hair and dashing green eyes stops in front of me and I have to crane my neck back a little to see her face completely. She looks quite menacing but then she introduces herself, her voice having a lilt of a melody as her words spill forth. “I’m Amo.” She holds her hand out for me to shake and I hesitate a second before noticing her raised brow. She has a firm, crushing, shake and I wince a little once my hand is released from her grip. “I’m Trip’s Old Lady. I’ll look after ya, sugar.” Her warm smile makes my tense shoulders immediately sag. I like her… I think. She’s intimidating yet kind.

  It hasn’t gone unnoticed that all the girls here look at me like they want to bite me or fuck me up. I’m not scared of them after being in the clutches of Lynx and his Devil’s. “I didn’t think any of the women here were nice to be honest, not with the looks I’ve been getting.”

  Amo laughs, head
thrown back and a hand clutching her stomach. “The club whores don’t like anyone, sweetie. They feel threatened that’s all. Just hold your head up high and ignore the bitches. I do.” She winks at me and takes me by the elbow, leading me to the old oak bar along the back wall. “Two Vodka cokes please, Winnie.”

  Winnie, the name of the girl wearing barely anything and the look of a woman scorned, turns after sneering at me to make our drinks. Will she spit in mine? Probably not if she wants to stay here, right?

  She slams the drinks down in front of us and I swear if she was a feline, she would be hissing at me right about now; lip curled back and all. She saunters away, why she’s swinging her hips for our benefit I don’t know but it just makes me giggle-snort at how pathetic she seems to be acting. “Is she always like that?” I ask Amo, turning my head to look at her.

  “They all are, sweetie. They’re only around to keep the single brothers happy and seem to think they have a say in just about everything.” Amo shakes her head as she eyes Winnie with contempt. “And Winnie is one of the worst ones. She’s been trying to get with Mack since she first came here two years ago. He’s never been near her and probably never would.” A fizzle of happiness surges through me at hearing this and I can’t explain why. For some reason, it gives me a sense of power over this girl that flaunts herself around to get attention. How any man can find that attractive, I don’t know.

  “So, Hope, Mack seems to have taken a shine to you.” The twinkle in her eyes warns me that she’s up to no good. I’ve only just met Amo, but the subtle things make her easy to read.

  “Shut up, he saved my arse, that’s all.” I give her a pointed look to drop the subject. Mack is hot, no denying that, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he’s a biker and nothing good comes out of them. “I’m not getting myself involved with a biker.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with this lot, honey. They may be outlaws, but they treat women, that aren’t club whores, with respect. I’ve been around here for about six years now, married to a Crusader for four, and I wouldn’t go back to the mundane life I had before.” The love that pours from her over this club is infectious, but I know I still need to be on my guard. I don’t know these people, I don’t know what they’re capable of. I shiver as the memories of my ordeal flood me. I can’t let myself get into that kind of situation again.

  “I’ve not long been here so I’ll keep my guard in place. Nothing good has come of bikers for me.” I swirl my finger of the rim on my glass, staring intently at the contents.

  “Look, your dad was an arsehole and tainted the picture for you but they’re all different. This club for instance… they donate to charity, run charity events, save people from monsters…” She nudges me with her arm and I can’t help the smile that flits across my face. “Do they sound like bad people to you?”

  I look around the room at the men hanging around, playing pool and drinking beer, loudly conversing with each other and laughing at each other’s bad jokes. They all look like normal guys, shooting the breeze with one another but each wearing a heavy leather jacket with the Crusaders symbol spread across the back. “They don’t look bad but looks can be deceiving, Amo. I should know. My dad was my rock the last few months of his life yet he still sold me to pay off his debt. I didn’t know him, not really.” That thought makes my heart ache. “I truly have no one left.”

  “Oh, honey.” Amo wraps me in her arms and I sob quietly on her shoulder. This partial stranger comforts me and whispers softly into my hair. Her presence makes my shoulders sag. Crying is all I seem to do these days and it’s tiring me out. My life is in shambles and the old me got lost in captivity. Will I ever find myself again? I have no idea. I’ll just have to wait and see.

  Mack

  “Mack? Fancy a game?” Ranger points to the now vacant pool table while smirking. “About time I kicked you arse, Prez.”

  “Kick my arse? I don’t think so. Let’s do it.” I take a glance at the bar and see Hope in Amo’s arms, her shoulders shaking. My heart breaks for her because no woman, girl or whatever, should go through what she’s been through. I sigh and set up the table with Ranger watching me closely. He can read me like I’m an open book and it unnerves me sometimes but it can also be a blessing in disguise when we’re on a run.

  I sneak glances at Hope as we play, making sure she’s okay and that Amo doesn’t leave her side. Yeah, I had a word with Amo, told her to look out for Hope while she was here. Amo is one of those people you hate to love because she’s a pain in the arse at times but she’s the kindest soul that’s ever came through here. Trip is a lucky fucker and he knows it as well.

  “Mack! Pay attention for fuck sake, man.” Ranger is clicking his fingers in front of my face and I swat him away like a fly. I shake my head, clearing the thoughts and take my shot, potting two balls before missing the next shot.

  “Happy?” I say, smirking at Ranger. “You’ll never beat me so you may as well accept defeat before I ruin your pride completely.”

  “Stop chatting shit. There’s still time for me to win.” Ranger winks at me and his lips curl up in a rather scary looking smile. I love the banter we share, sometimes it gets us through the darker times but I wouldn’t cross that smile in a dark alley, that’s for sure.

  A commotion at the bar has mine and Ranger’s heads turning quickly. Hope is stood there looking bewildered as Smoke, one of the older guys here, traps her in front of him with his hands on the bar either side of her. Where the fuck is Amo?

  I drop my pool cue and practically jog over, yank him off of her by the yellow collar, which was once white, and throw him on to the floor. “What the fuck you playing at, old boy?” I bellow. The room is deathly silent as all eyes are on us.

  “What’s up, Mack? Not up for sharing this pretty little thing?” He licks his lips and a pool of fire starts in my stomach before spreading through my veins. I clench my fists until my knuckles are white and stare at him, my eyes burning with rage.

  “She’s off limits and you know that, Smoke. What the hell were you thinking?” I growl as a sick smile lifts the corners of his mouth. My body is telling me to kick the shit out of him but my head is telling me the opposite. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to stop you forcing yourself on a girl.” I take a deep breath before continuing, “I only ever kept you here because you’re an original member. But enough is enough and punishment will be severe.” I nod at Ranger and Crank and they haul him to his feet.

  Struggling, Smoke blurts out, “You’ll fucking regret this, boy.” He spits at my feet before he’s pulled away.

  Shaking my head, I turn to Hope, “You okay, babe?” I put my hands on her shoulders and shake her slightly, causing her to slip out of the daydream she had found herself in.

  “Wh… what did you say?” She blinks slowly a few times, frowning, before staring into my eyes.

  “You okay?” My concern at her state of shock and confusion makes me bite the inside of my cheek. My hands on her shoulders shake with the restraint of pulling her to me. She came here for protection and I’ve already let her down. Guilt swirls in my gut and a wave of sickness makes me break out in sweat.

  Taking a few deep, even breaths, the feeling fades enough for me to look at Hope. “Hope? You okay?” Her body is shaking and her eyes are clouded.

  “I’ll be fine. Thank you, Mack.” She turns her face to me, her eyes connecting with mine and another feeling rushes through me. “It could have been a lot worse but you came to the rescue. You said you’d keep me safe… I trust you.”

  “Am I dreaming?” I blink at her in utter surprise. Did she really just say that to me? After I promised her no-one would touch her?

  She gives me a confused look, her face scrunched up. “What?” she whispers.

  “I made you a promise and at the first chance of my back being turned, someone corners you.” I rub a hand over my stubble on my face and sigh. “He won’t ever bother you again, babe. That’s a permanent promise.”

>   She nods at me once, understanding the meaning. I don’t think she really understands. Who would understand the concept of one human punishing another? But that is club life. I know she understands the majority, her dad was an MC member after all; regardless that in the end he retired and just helped out when necessary.

  “Would you like a drink?” I ask her, my hands now stroking down her arms before dropping to my sides.

  She ponders the question a moment, biting her lip. Fuck, that’s hot as hell. “Can I have a coke with a slice of lemon please?”

  “Sure. Sit here and I’ll be right back.” I turn toward the bar but before I take a step, I ask, “Any idea where Amo has wandered off to?”

  Looking around, she shrugs, saying, “I have no idea. One minute she was next to me and the next…To be honest, I didn’t even realise she was gone.” She takes a few deep breaths before continuing, “I was at the bar when what’s-his-name cornered me. I thought Amo was right beside me.”

  I nod, acknowledging that I heard her before continuing on my way to the bar. Getting there, I gently push a prospect away from the bar and steal his space. “Beer and a coke with a slice of lemon, pronto!” I shout to the club whore serving behind the bar. Confused, I turn to the prospect next to me and ask, “Why is a whore attending the bar?”

  “Mack, I needed a break.” He holds his hands in the air, a spark of nervousness flickering through his eyes.

  “How long have you been having this break…” I look down at his name patch. “Gavin?”

  “Ten minutes.” He scratches the back of his head, his feet are shuffling slightly and I swear his legs are shaking. I’m guessing this one is a newbie. Don’t get me wrong, I usually know everyone but I’m not in charge of taking on newbies. I review their files and approve. That’s it. Ranger is the guy who does the meet and greet bullshit that I have no time for.