Game Up

by Tara Jay Wimble

  “Kryssa asked me to keep an eye on you, that you were figuring some stuff out but not ready to talk about it with them. She didn’t come out and say it, but I could tell that’s what she was hinting at.” Asha shoved her playfully. “They’re your best friends, dude. How could they not know? They’re just waiting for you to tell them.”

  Vianne’s tears returned, harder this time.

  Asha squeezed her hand hard. “I’m here, Vi, and Rhian’s here and Alexa is here. We’re here no matter what. You’re not alone in this.”

  Vianne nodded, taking deep breaths. “I know.”

  They listened to the gentle crash of the waves for a while until Vianne composed herself. “Want to play Monop?”

  “No, not really. I always lose.”

  Vianne flashed her a brilliant smile. “I know. That’s why I play you.”

  She helped Asha to her feet, and they headed back to the house.

  ***

  IT was a lazy day, full of lounging and napping and watching dumb TV shows. Rhian had her head in Asha’s lap, she was absentmindedly playing with her hair. Rhian noticed the distant look in her eyes, it made her nervous. She didn’t like when Asha got like this, she was too withdrawn, too quiet, not at all her normal self.

  “Want to build a fort?” Rhian interrupted, jolting Asha out of her thoughts.

  Asha considered. “Okay.”

  When Alexa and Vianne returned home later that evening, they found their living room transformed - it appeared that all of the mattresses, bedding, and most of the furniture in the house had been relocated.

  Rhian peeked out from behind a comforter. “We built a fort.”

  “I see that,” replied Alexa. “Where do we sleep, since our mattress is currently being used as a wall?”

  “In the fort, dum-dum.”

  Vianne crawled in. “A sleepover? Sweet.”

  Alexa put her hands on her hips. “I live with children.”

  “You’re sleeping with one of them. What does that say about you?”

  “Dude, gross.”

  “Truth hurts.”

  ***

  ASHA walked in the door, arms full of groceries.

  “Hey, someone come help me,” she yelled. She headed to the kitchen and put the bags down. It was way too quiet. “Vianne! Rhian! Get your asses out here and help.”

  Asha walked back out to the living room, only to be hit with a stream of water in the face. Asha sputtered out curses and looked around wildly.

  She was hit again to the sounds of raucous laughter.

  “Nice one, Kryssa!”

  “I swear to god, Vianne,” Asha said menacingly.

  “Fine,” sighed Vianne. “Stand down, Krys.”

  Asha glared at her teammates, who were now doubled over laughing.

  “Your face!” Riley gasped.

  “Surprise! Look who came to visit! They're here for a few days. New kids’ reunion!”

  “Great,” muttered Asha.

  She did a double take. In addition to the water guns in Kryssa’s and Vianne’s hands, Vianne was sporting swim goggles and a blanket tied around her neck like a cape.

  Asha started to ask, but then thought better of it.

  “No more water guns in the house,” Asha ordered as she walked back into the kitchen. “Go unload the rest of the car. I’ll make you guys lunch.”

  “Alright, mom.”

  “Take off the goggles, Vianne! The neighbors already think we’re crazy!” she hollered after them.

  Riley wandered in. “I had nothing to do with that,” she laughed. “But seriously, the look on your face though.”

  ***

  “I told them. That’s why they’re here. I wanted to tell them in person.”

  Asha smiled at Vianne. “I’m proud of ya, kid. How’d it go?”

  “You were right. They said they knew a while ago. And then they cried.”

  Kryssa walked in to the kitchen with a smug smile. “She cried too.”

  “Did not.”

  “Like a baby.”

  “Maybe a few tears.”

  “Waterworks.”

  ***

  AS camp approached, Asha got quieter and more withdrawn. She blamed it on nerves, and her friends reluctantly accepted her excuse.

  Only Rhian knew about how bad the fight had been, but not the details. The other two could sense something bigger was up, but they didn’t want to pry.

  ***

  THE breakup was doing wonders for Lara’s fitness. Her coaches and teammates had commented on her dedication, her drive. Her career was fantastic; everything else in her life was a mess.

  Solomon was right, something had to give. She had to talk to Asha, at the very least apologize.

  ***

  ASHA had two days of peace before Lara showed. She was at a loss of what to do, how to act.

  She knew what she wanted - Lara.

  But Lara didn’t want her.

  ***

  WHEN Lara walked in to the dining room, Asha stiffened and stared at her plate.

  Alexa nudged her, but she refused to look up. She could feel Lara’s eyes on her.

  Finally, after a long minute, Alexa sighed. “Okay, you idiot. She’s gone.”

  Asha ventured a glance and saw that Lara had taken a seat at the other end of the room.

  “What was that? I thought you guys were fine?”

  Asha glared at her. “We are.”

  Alexa opened her mouth, but Asha quickly cut her off. “Drop it, Lorenz. I mean it.”

  Alexa looked at Rhian helplessly. Asha had never used that tone with her.

  ***

  LARA was prepared on what she was going to say to Asha. She had even practiced in front of the mirror.

  What she neglected to consider was what she’d do if Asha refused to talk to her.

  But really - she should have expected that possibility.

  Lara also didn’t realize how just the sight of Asha would make her mouth go dry, her hands shake, her stomach drop as if she was on a roller coaster.

  The combination of that, plus Asha doing her best to avoid eye contact, made her panic and abort her plan.

  Lara quickly grabbed her food and moved to the furthest empty table, trying to appear happy as the team shouted greetings. The rest of the night thankfully flew past, as she was kept busy catching up with her friends. She noticed that Asha had disappeared pretty early.

  Tomorrow. She’d talk to her tomorrow.

  ***

  THE next morning, Lara started to step out of her room only to see Asha heading her direction.

  She slammed the door shut without thinking.

  “What the hell, Larry?” Brianna grumbled, still in bed.

  Lara stood flat against the door.

  Why the hell did she do that. There’s no way Asha didn’t see her.

  A knock on the other side made her jump and run to the bathroom.

  Brianna sat up in bed and looked at her in disbelief.

  “Tell them I’m not here. Please!” she hissed.

  Brianna shot her a dirty look and opened the door to find Asha standing there nervously, wringing her hands.

  “Oh. Morning, Bria. Ummm, can I talk to Lara?”

  Brianna gave her a sympathetic look. “She’s not here. She went on a run or something. Really early.”

  Asha narrowed her eyes. “I just saw her. What, did she take the window instead of the elevator? She’s seriously hiding from me?” Asha raised her voice, hoping Lara could hear her.

  “Look, I don’t want to get involved. I’ll tell her you stopped by though.”

  Asha spun around, trying to keep her anger in check. She was trying to be the bigger person, and Lara didn’t even have the guts to face her. Either that or she flat out didn’t care. She burst into her room and kicked the desk hard.

  Tamara looked up curiously. “You alright?”

  “Fine,” Asha seethed as she paced around the room.

  Tamara grabbed her arm, pulling her
to a stop. “Ash. C’mon, you can talk to me.”

  “No!” Asha yelled, yanking her arm away. “It’s just...nothing. It doesn’t matter. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

  She stormed out before Tamara could respond.

  ***

  AT practice later, Asha apologized to Brianna. It wasn’t fair to get her involved.

  Asha apologized to Tamara that night, giving her the bare details of what was going on as a peace offering of sorts. She could trust her not to say anything to Lara or to the team.

  She couldn’t pinpoint the reason, but the idea of her friends knowing made her feel queasy and ashamed. And she certainly didn’t want to let on how much she was hurting.

  Asha was supposed to be strong, the life of the party, no worries. She was the one that people relied on, came to for advice, support, and laughs. Not weak and pathetic.

  She refused to be a burden.

  ***

  WHENEVER Asha sensed Lara nearby, she spoke louder, laughed harder, and pretended everything was just hunky-dory.

  Lara’s brief moments of courage weren’t enough to actually approach Asha. Every time the moment presented itself, Asha latched onto the closest person.

  There were lingering glances, eyes darting away when the other turned.

  They danced around each other, managing to avoid speaking the entire camp.

  Chapter 11

  THE team headed to Vancouver for Olympic qualifiers, while Asha headed back to California. And she quickly remembered why she had moved across the country. She realized how much she had grown to depend on her friends. They kept her moving through life, kept her from dwelling on the past, got her through the day.

  The loneliness was almost overwhelming. Asha had never realized how loud silence could be.

  She occupied her time with surfing and painting, taking long walks at night just so she wouldn’t have to be in the empty house.

  For the past few months, she had been isolating, but there was almost always someone close by to give her some sense of companionship. There was almost always noise in the background.

  The emptiness made her restless; it got under her skin and made her itch.

  ***

  THE news of the WPS suspension floored her. There had been the rumors and the discussions, sure, but she – like many of the others – had brushed them off, had chosen to believe that everything would work out in the end. That the massive surge of post-World Cup popularity would help the league survive. That the higher-ups would realize that there was a market, that given the patience and effort, it could thrive.

  That day was filled with endless phone calls with friends and old teammates.

  Now Asha only had the national team, and being stuck behind Annica? Well, she questioned whether she would ever see minutes with them.

  Soccer was her refuge, her life.

  She just wanted to play, and it seemed even this was too much to ask.

  ***

  THE joy of qualifying was tempered by the uncertainty for their future. They sat on the beach, shivering a little under their blankets when the ocean breeze hit them, lazily clutching sweating bottles of beer in their hands. They huddled there for hours talking about the future, talking about what was next.

  What was next.

  Vianne and Alexa were almost guaranteed, barring injury, a trip to London. The chances were pretty good for Rhian. Pia had converted her to left back, and she seemed excited about the possibilities. Rhian put on an air of false bravado, to cover the fact that she had been terrified every minute she was on the field. But she was up for the challenge, especially if it increased her chances of making the roster.

  For Asha, it would be a battle, and the odds were against her. She knew she was good enough for the backup spot, but it was entirely up to the coaches.

  It didn’t help that the pain in her shoulder had been steadily increasing. Still tolerable, but she knew it would only get worse. This wasn’t a thing that went away by itself. But for now, she could only hope to ignore it, hope that it would hold up for a few more months, hope that her body wouldn’t betray her, like so many times before.

  Asha hated feeling helpless, her fate not in her hands. She had been left off enough rosters to know not to get her hopes up, to brace for disappointment.

  It would be harder though, this time. The Olympics, coming up so fast, not even allowing her time to recover from the disappointment of being left at home for the World Cup. The thoughts of what could have been lingered bitterly every time she allowed herself to ponder the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys.’

  ***

  ANOTHER camp came and went.

  They continued to ignore each other, keeping their interactions to the necessary exchanges, the bare minimum. And they both felt a little emptier, a little more lost.

  ***

  SEX stopped being a distraction, instead drudging up memories with every kiss, bite, and twist of the wrist.

  Asha fucked them hard and fast before thoughts of Lara could invade her brain, breaking her focus, her rhythm.

  She went through the motions, sometimes faking it on her end to get it over with, so she could make the necessary excuses and escape back home to her own bed.

  It got to be too much, too hard, so eventually she stopped.

  Asha didn’t stop the thing with Rhian.

  She couldn’t silence the guilt, no matter how much she tried to rationalize it – she told herself again and again and again that it was just another activity they did together, like surfing or skating or kicking the ball around.

  She couldn’t deny that it was comforting, that Rhian made her feel safe, made her feel wanted. And if she stopped, wouldn’t that be the damning piece of evidence that she couldn’t move on? That she still cared?

  So Asha kept rationalizing, kept justifying, and kept seeking out Rhian.

  Life chugged along, and one day Asha actually believed it when she told herself that everything was starting to be okay.

  ***

  AND then it all started falling apart.

  Asha couldn’t even identify what triggered it. She woke up one night and was hit with such a wave of despair that she spent the rest of the night quietly sobbing into her pillow.

  Asha could feel herself about to spiral into a dark, dark place. For the moment, Asha was still able to mask it, but her sadness was there, bubbling under the surface, waiting for a chip in her wall.

  She stopped going out at night, giving the excuse of having to compete with Barnie and Jill for the second and third spot.

  Which was partially true.

  But the other part was that she had no energy or desire.

  Rhian noticed something was off and asked her about it a couple times, but she shrugged her off.

  Asha spent almost all her free time at the gym or in the water. She started slipping out before sunrise, knowing Vianne and Rhian wouldn’t join her for a few hours. Asha wasn’t avoiding them per se, but it was getting very difficult to keep up the facade around them.

  When they arrived, she usually stayed for another twenty minutes or so - not to be rude - and then escaped back to the house.

  By the time they returned, Asha was usually somewhere else.

  “Like a freaking ninja,” Vianne marveled as they searched for her one day.

  Rhian didn’t appreciate this newfound talent. She knew something was up, that Asha wasn’t quite herself. She hoped though that Asha was just working things out and that soon everything would get back to normal.

  ***

  “ASH, hold up.”

  Asha pulled away and frowned. “What? What’s wrong?”

  Rhian gave her a final quick kiss, before rolling off her lap to take a seat next to her, studying her with pursed lips and scrutinizing eyes.

  Asha shifted, nervous under her gaze. She knew that allowing Rhian to get this close was risky, that she might take the opportunity to grill her for information. But Rhian had found her napping on the couch, and she had been
too confused, still half asleep, to think of a way to escape. Asha had immediately pulled her into a kiss, hoping that Rhian would be satisfied enough, that conversation could be avoided. She kissed her desperately, hoping to wipe away the questions from Rhian’s eyes.

  It had worked – for about five minutes. And then Rhian remembered why she had initially woken her up.

  “You’ve been acting weird. This is like the first time we’ve really hung out all week. We’re talking about this. If you don’t talk, we don’t kiss.”

  “Yeah, no. I don’t like the sound of that.” She moved towards her again, but Rhian drew back.

  “Well, tough shit. What’s going on with you? Is it the Larry thing again?”

  “No,” Asha lied through her teeth. “I miss her sometimes, but I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted it. It’s cool. I’m just...maybe I’m a little nervous about the Olympics coming up, you know? Trying to make the roster. I don’t know if I’ll make it, and it’s driving me crazy.” Asha kissed Rhian’s forehead, then the tip of her nose. “Was that enough talking?”

  Rhian smiled. “You’ve got a good chance, you’re an awesome keeper.”

  Asha hummed and moved her lips to Rhian’s neck. “Keep saying good stuff about me, it’s hot.”

  “And you’re ridiculous.”

  Asha pouted.

  Rhian placed both hands on her chest, pushing her flat on the couch. She crawled on top. “They see it, they know. You can’t dwell on it though, just leave it all on the field. Just make sure that Liam can’t ignore you.”

  “Okay, less hot, but I can work with it.”

  They lost complete track of time, and were interrupted by Vianne and Alexa arriving home.

  “On the couch? No! Bad Rhian!”

  Rhian shot her a deadly glare. “We’re just kissing. We’re dressed. What’s the problem?”

  “It’s gross.”

  “You’re gross. You want to talk about all the times I walked in on you two?”

  Asha raised an eyebrow, her curiosity piqued.

  Vianne shook her head rapidly. “No no no. Let’s not. Who’s hungry?”

  “Hmmm, yeah. That reminds me of the time I caught you two in the kitch...”

  Asha rolled out of the way seconds before Alexa tackled Rhian.

  “The kitchen, Vi?” Asha smirked.