Remember When...

by Scarlett Finn

  Her bluster left and she laughed, he pulled her forward and kissed her head, which was unexpected but nice. “I’ll take your suitcase up,” Murphy said to her, getting up, and since he was the bulkiest of the guys here, she didn’t object.

  Cam was asleep, almost, and she’d move him upstairs as soon as the movement had died down. Nap time was valuable and she wouldn’t let his routine be disrupted because his mommy was so screwed up.

  5

  Ginger was in her bedroom kneeling on the floor with her suitcase open in front of her when someone knocked on her door. She turned to see Shane in the doorway.

  “You doing ok?”

  “Yep,” she said. “This is the biggest room because it’s in the corner. You don’t mind if Cameron and I have it, do you?”

  Rocky was laid out on her bed, taking up most of the space and Cam was asleep in his crib, that had been provided by the lodge.

  “Nope,” Shane said and sauntered in. He went to sit on the end of the bed to brush his hand through Rocky’s fur. The dog lifted his head, registered who was touching him and then laid back down again. “Looks like three of you will be sharing.”

  “He follows me around,” she said, taking toiletries and a bag from the suitcase. “I like it.”

  She put the items in the bathroom, and admired the central claw-footed bathtub. This was the only full bath in the place, which was another reason they got it because Cameron was the only one who needed a bath.

  “I don’t know if you’ve checked, but the shower has a fixed head above the tub,” she said when she came back into the bedroom. “Watch out for the ducks.”

  His brows rose. “Excuse me?”

  Ginger explained. “Cam’s ducks… his bath toys.” He smiled in understanding. “You’ll want to make sure there are none in the bath before you get in the shower. Some of them are pretty painful to step on and you could end up on your butt. I try to make sure they’re all out, but sometimes they get lost in the bubbles and—” She was babbling and stopped to take a breath and look at him. “Is this insane?”

  “Is what insane?” he asked, leaning back on his hands.

  “Us, sharing, like this.”

  “I have absolutely no problem with you seeing me naked.”

  He did have a way of making her smile. With arms folded, she wandered back to her case, but stayed standing to look at him. “What?”

  “I’ve seen you naked, so, nothing new there for daddy.” He eyed the crib. “As for the kid, well, we can get him a blindfold or something.”

  Almost tutting at him, Ginger refrained from laughing but for comic effect. “Cameron has no interest in your penis.”

  “Great,” he said, clapping as he sat up. He paused before his smirk grew. “That kind of implies that you do.”

  Her jaw fell. “It doesn’t. I meant that I had no problem with Cameron seeing you naked because he couldn’t care less… you’re not going to scar him.” Changing the subject before he could tease her more, she lowered her voice. “And no more clapping. He sleeps heavily. When he’s out, he’s usually out, but we don’t make loud abrupt noises that could scare him.”

  He lifted three fingers. “Scouts honor, sorry, mommy.”

  “You were never a boy scout,” she said and crouched at her case.

  There was a pause. “Do you remember that or are you guessing?”

  She had to stop and think about it. “Guessing,” she said, because she hadn’t known it was fact. “How was the test yesterday?”

  “Just blood like you said,” he said, extending his arm, but there was nothing there except the tiniest mark and she was more drawn by the width of his solid, tanned arm. “No big deal. The results will take a few days.”

  She nodded and piled her clothes beside Cameron’s. “Cam has no boundaries and believes everything belongs to him,” she said. “Make sure prescription drugs are locked away, and illegal drugs—”

  “No illegal drugs,” he said. “No prescription drugs either.”

  Pausing, with a pile of clothes on her lap, she looked up at him, cringing that she had to ask. “Can you ask Owen and Murphy to make sure they don’t—”

  He smiled. “I will… I meant what I said about knocking out anyone who hurts him.” She actually believed him. “And the nearest hospital is nineteen point seven miles away… I already checked… I can make it in less than twenty minutes if I have to.” She didn’t know why he’d done that, but it was good to know that he had. Taking her clothes to the dresser by the door, she put hers in the third drawer. “Looks like the kid has more clothes than you.”

  “Going anywhere with a kid requires a trailer,” she said, continuing to put things away.

  “Why do you start in the third drawer?”

  “Cam gets the top two,” she said. “This will have to double as a changing table. I’ll put his clothes away and use the smaller drawers at the top for diapers, wipes, cream, powder.” Wearing a smile, she turned to lean on the dresser because she wasn’t done with her instructions. “Don’t leave food lying around. Don’t leave glasses of liquor or beer bottles anywhere he can reach them. He doesn’t drink soda either. Anything hot, colognes, styling products—”

  He rose from the bed. “Man, you’re good at this mommy thing, your contract is longer than the docs.”

  “Condoms,” she said.

  He paused in surprise then grinned. “Didn’t bring any. Do I need ‘em?”

  “Not you,” she said, pushing away from the dresser. “Owen and Murphy, can you tell them not to leave them lying around? They’re a choking hazard.”

  He was scratching the back of his head when she passed to take more things from her case. “You’re all about teeing up the puns today, Bit,” he said and she smiled, though he wouldn’t have seen it because she was bent over her case. “Murphy never introduces the women in his life to the family, so no danger of him bringing a woman here. And Owen is married.”

  Spinning around, she was in shock again. “My brother is married?”

  He nodded and put his hands in his pockets. “Last year.”

  Dropping the perfume bottle back into her case, she went to the bed and sat down. “I missed my brother’s wedding?”

  “It was right after your mom was diagnosed,” he said, joining her on the end of the bed. “She wanted to see them married before her treatment. We weren’t sure how it would work out for her… we’re still not sure… But Owen’s been with Derek five years now… maybe more than that… I think they met the year we got married.”

  Another surprise. “He’s gay?”

  Shane laughed and gripped her neck through her hair. “You were the first one he told when you were kids.”

  “There’s so much I don’t know,” she murmured and cast her eyes toward the crib. “What about your family?”

  “Mine?” he asked. “Murphy’s my only sibling, he’s got no wife, no kids, but he’s hetero.”

  “And your parents?” He didn’t respond and this was the first time he’d taken his time about being honest with her. When she turned to him, she wondered at his blank expression and the way he fixated on the floor. Scooping a hand to his cheek, she drew his head around, so she could peer at him. “Shane?”

  “We don’t get along. I haven’t had a relationship with my parents for years.”

  Something else that had been neglected because of her accident. “If paternity comes back… will you tell them about Cam?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Like I said, I haven’t spoken to them for years.”

  “They deserve to know he exists, don’t you think?” she asked and had to catch her breath when he stood up because she hadn’t expected him to move so fast. “They’re his grandparents.”

  “Don’t do this,” he murmured without turning to her.

  “What?” Ginger was confused, she’d never seen him like this, so closed off and taut. “Don’t do what? We should talk about it. If they want a relationship with him—”

  Whi
rling around, his expression was so stern it stunned her. “They can kiss my ass is what they can do,” he said. “They’re not getting near him. Never. You understand?”

  Stunned, it took her a minute to find words. “What could they have done that was so awful?” she asked. “I always felt so guilty that Cam wouldn’t know his blood family and here he is, in a room with his father. His father, Shane. You can’t possibly understand what that means to me.”

  He brought his hand up to her face as he gentled his voice. “And to me. I love him more than I knew was possible.”

  “You just met him.”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  And because she understood that parental love, she smiled. “I know.” After they took a breath, she hoped he was feeling more reasonable. “So don’t you think his grandparents will love him that much?”

  His hand dropped. “No, I don’t.”

  “Because there’s something wrong with him?” she asked. “He’s damaged because of me or something I did to him?”

  His eyes flared. “What? No. I’m so proud of you, Bit, you did an incredible job with him.”

  “But he’s not good enough, is that it?”

  “You’re twisting this around,” he said. “I didn’t say there was anything wrong with him. There’s something wrong with them, they’re not… they’re not capable of loving anyone except themselves.”

  “So there was some childhood trauma? They did something awful to you that—”

  “Does it matter?” he asked, his volume raised slightly. “I’m saying no, why can’t you just accept that?”

  “Because no doesn’t work, it’s not a reason, and I can’t explain that to my child.”

  His arms opened. “Oh, so he’s your child now. I say something you don’t like and you cut me out? One little thing doesn’t fit with the picture you have and—”

  “Uh, hello, I don’t have a picture,” she said. “Amnesia sufferer, remember? All I’m asking is for some help in understanding why the people who raised you are such despicable people. Is that too much? You can’t give me an explanation?”

  “No,” he argued. “No, Bit, I can’t explain. There. But will you accept that? Somehow I doubt it.”

  She growled at him. “Don’t be sarcastic,” she said. “It’s unproductive.”

  “Unproductive,” he said, leaning back in a head bob. “Right, and we hate when I’m unproductive, don’t we? Goddamn it, Gin, you can’t expect to understand everything in one day. We had five years together, four of them married before you disappeared, and we have the sixteen months we’ve been apart on top of that. Do you really expect to understand everything that happened in a snap?”

  “Now you’re being patronizing,” she sneered and folded her arms as she gnawed on the inside bottom corner of her lower lip.

  Again, he raised his hands and he drove his fingers into his hair before turning his back. “And she’d doing the lip chew, are you that pissed at me? Huh? I won’t give you an inch and you cut me out, is it the silent treatment now? The sulk?” Spinning back, he opened his arms. “ ‘Cause we can’t fuck and make up right now. I mean, far as I’m concerned we can, but your fiancé out there might get in a snit about it.”

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” she said, shocked because she didn’t remember anyone ever being so blunt with her. “My decision not to sleep with you has nothing to do with Calvin and everything to do with the fact that you’re a pig!”

  “A pig you had no problem getting naked with for half a decade. A pig you said ‘I do’ to. A pig who fathered your child.”

  “Well maybe I didn’t have the same perspective then that I do today,” she snapped. “ ‘Cause from where I’m standing, you leave a lot to be desired. You’re rude and coarse and… and…”

  “Unproductive?”

  “What the hell, Boo!” she shouted. “Stop being a bastard!”

  “What happened to watching our language, mommy?” Oh, she wanted to slap him right across the face. When he marched over to her, Rocky began to growl. Shane didn’t take his eyes away from hers and she wasn’t about to shrink. He thrust a finger toward the dog. “Don’t you start, Rock, lie down.”

  The dog grumbled, but did as he was told and she folded her arms. “Maybe he understands how out of line you are.”

  His head tilted, but he was still sneering. “Oh, he was always your big defender… always a mommy’s boy and then you were gone, out of his life, just gone.”

  Was he really throwing that at her? She could match his ire, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t hurt by him pressing on her guilt. “Yeah, ‘cause that was my conscious choice. I thought how can I hurt Rocky today and I made the Gem sink all on my own.”

  His mouth opened to argue back, but he paused, and peered at her. When he spoke again, there was less anger in his voice. “How do you know it was called the Gem?”

  Had she said that? Had she known the name all along or had someone said it? She tried to answer, but came up short, and could only mouth and blink for a score of seconds. “I…” Emotions, she remembered emotions and her chin fell as another memory came to her. “We fought that night too.”

  Hooking a finger under her chin, he brought her eyes up. “What about?” he probed with a desperate hope that tugged on her heart. “What did we fight about, Bit?”

  But she couldn’t find it, the whisper of emotion flittered away and she grit her teeth to growl in frustration. “I don’t know… I… it was right there.”

  “It’s ok,” he said. “Focus… We did. We fought right there on the boat in our cabin… just like this, you and me alone in the bedroom, and I said something that upset you… what did I say to you?”

  Squeezing her eyes closed, she tried to concentrate, but she couldn’t picture the scene, couldn’t remember what the room looked like. All she could remember was the feeling that came before fear. “I remember the water,” she whispered. “It was cold.”

  “Yes, it was,” he said. “The water was cold, very cold.”

  “It was dark… and I couldn’t… I couldn’t see.”

  “That’s it,” he murmured, stroking her cheek. “Keep talking, little Bit.”

  “I couldn’t breathe and… I was so scared I… the surface, I remember I… I thought I was dead and then I got to the surface. But I… I was alone…”

  “What did we fight about, Bit?” he murmured. “Come on, baby, what were we fighting about?”

  But all she could remember was the black ink of the water, the icy feeling in her limbs and the weight of her own body as she fought to kick and find the surface. She couldn’t remember being a person, it was like being out of body, like she was an entity inside herself rather than her whole self.

  Balling her fists, she growled again and bashed his chest in her frustration, not with any intention, or force enough, to hurt him. “I don’t remember!” She felt hollow, desperate, pathetic, and as her eyes opened they drifted, unable to find focus. “God, I’m useless.”

  “Hey,” he said, giving her a shake. “Don’t you ever say anything like that again. Do you realize what you just did? You remembered something.”

  “But it was useless, it wasn’t what you wanted me to remember.”

  Smiling, he brushed his thumb across her lower lips like he was substituting the touch for a kiss. “I don’t want you to remember anything,” he said. “You remember what I told you about the present?” She nodded. “You were amazing. Look at what you’ve done and we haven’t even been here a day.” He glanced toward the crib. “How long until junior wakes up?”

  “An hour maybe.”

  “You want to get some sleep too… or are you hungry?”

  “Are you trying to take care of me?” she asked, surprised that he was being so considerate. “Weren’t we fighting a minute ago?”

  He shrugged. “Baby, one thing you’ll learn about us is that fighting doesn’t change what we are to each other… You might not know what that is now, but I do… We piss ea
ch other off all the time, it doesn’t mean anything. So, food, sleep… walk?”

  Searching her memory was exhausting. “Sleep,” she said.

  “Rocky,” he said and whistled, but she grabbed his arm as the dog looked up.

  “Wait… can’t I keep him?”

  Another grin and it relaxed her. “You want to sleep with the dog?”

  She nodded, biting her lip, she shrugged with hope. “If that’s inappropriate…”

  Brushing his finger down her jaw, he looked into her. “He always did get more love than I did,” he said. But he was joking and she laughed, giving him a nudge that Cam would’ve objected to if he’d been awake. “Rocky, stay with momma.”

  Rocky was still snoozing in the middle of the bed and didn’t appear to have had any intention of moving anyway. Shane began to retreat. “Thank you,” she said before he pulled the slightly ajar door further open. “You didn’t have to come here and… you did and… we’re making progress.”

  “This is just the beginning,” he said and stepped out into the hall to close the door.

  With a sigh, she checked her son, and then began to strip off to climb into bed with her new furry friend.

  Shane closed the bedroom door and turned around to see Calvin leaning against the bannister at the top of the stairs where it turned to be the railing at the edge of the mezzanine. No one else was out here and he was peering right at him wearing a sinister look.

  “Enjoy the show?” Shane asked because he wouldn’t be intimidated or make excuses for spending time with his wife.

  “Don’t get comfortable, Warren.”

  Oh this was great and he couldn’t help but be amused. “Ah, so this is the warning. This is where we square off?”

  “No squaring off,” he said, pushing away from the bannister. “Just a friendly warning… I never lose.”

  Sliding his hands into his pockets, Shane didn’t want to provoke the guy too much, but did smile as he sauntered over to his adversary and lowered his volume. “You’ve never played against me, Bishop.”